4 a.m. to 6 a.m.
5.20.07
I’m sick of components, character recaps and old men who can’t drive. The next season of 24 better have digital software, ambiguous statements and sexy Latina waitresses who run illegal street races on Friday nights.
The season finale of 24 started off as most mornings do in LA. A middle-aged blond man kidnaps a 16-year-old kid and brings him to the beach, the FBI is confiscating an old man’s family photo album and Jack Bauer is put in a time-out because his antics from the night before are too much for anyone to handle.
It’s all because one senior citizen, Papa Bauer, has taken it upon himself to piss off three governments at once, all because he wants to retreat to China, a country he believes is the future of the world and whose major exports have been take-out menus and Yao Ming.
But he doesn’t care. Despite the mistakes and misguided judgmental stares, Papa has a dream and believes in China. He should have checked Cuba. Their health care system is apparently better than ours and they have the baseball stars of tomorrow.
It’s also in China where Papa Bauer will have “the means and the power” to mold Josh into the man his bald-headed father should have been. This means Josh will have hair and a robotic arm, which is every bald man’s secret dream. That and less hair “down there.”
Ricky “Strikeforce” Schroder also has a dream and it’s to see Nadia naked someday. That dream went kaput when two of Papa Bauer’s men approached the beach, handed Strikeforce a box and watched it explode in his face. Had he paid attention to the label on the side, Strikeforce would have read “Acme’s In-Your-Face Exploding Component-good for parties, parent-teacher conferences and custody hearings.”
So Strikeforce will probably be blinded and will spend the rest of his grabbing for walls and bore the handicap wing at the hospital with his lengthy anecdotes about the day he did everything wrong. I have those days too. They are called “Thanksgiving.”
Maybe he’ll get an eye-patch and become a pirate, which could be a 24 spin-off titled “CTU: A Day at Sea” where agents would battle pirates and mutant sea urchins for treasure, rum and hooch (you know which hooch I speak of you scalawag).
Strikeforce was at the beach making sure the exchange of Josh for the component went smoothly. Josh’s exchange is a rite of passage in the Bauer family initiation process. After that, he has to learn the various Bauer lessons of life from Gramps. So far we have “Pay attention,” “Don’t let your emotions control you,” and “Put that down.”
However, these three lessons conflict with Khay’s singular one of “Never negotiate with a sociopath.” Isn’t that common knowledge? And if it isn’t, then we should stop teaching kids about nutrition and start teaching them about negotiation and who they can do it with (crossing guards and IT technicians no, meter maids and drunk sorority girls yes). I’d rather have safe fat children than stupid skinny kids who take spam email seriously.
KHay, with her lesson freshly implanted in her mind, calls her disgrace husband, Old Man Buchanan to do “whatever it takes” to spring Jack Bauer from the governmental time-out.
To do this, Old Man Buchanan engages in the most dangerous thing someone his age can do: drive on the road. Since Khay gave him the location of Bauer’s SUV transport (marked with a colorful red dot), he knew exactly which car to run off the road. He also ran off a couple beforehand, but that’s just because Buchanan refuses to respect the road.
Just as Strikeforce is getting blinded by science, Jack and Old Man Buchanan show up in time to fire random shots into the air and see the two men take Josh with them in a dingy headed out to the ocean.
Jack doesn’t shoot and attends to Strikeforce’s wails of “It was a fake!” and “It blew!” The last time he yelled those two phrases on a beach was when be brought his blow-up doll “Nancy” to a secluded beach with a $7 bottle of Merlot.
Random: A man named Stewart shows up. He is Milo’s brother and looks nothing like him. Despite his brief visit, he manages to enrage me with sappy line of “…no, he did it because he was in love with you.” I’m glad Milo and his sappiness was shot in the head even more now.
Jack calls CTU to relay the “I am always right about everything” message and Nadia calls off his arrest and asks for his help. Bauer squints through the darkness and notices a couple of random lights that he determines are oil rigs off the coast. That’s right, he saw through the darkness.
(BTW: Where did hottie Agent Reynolds come from and why is she only answering phones? Shouldn’t she be jumping up and down on a trampoline to keep everyone’s spirits up?)
The CTU Trauma Team shows up to tend to Strikeforce. They are like the CTU Drama Crew except slightly less gay.
Khay and Scowl-face (Chloe) had been on Jack’s side, but unfortunately they have the combined political power of a bag of chips. Their punishment for backing Jack? Khay is arrested and Scowl-face faints at work because she is pregnant with Morris’ child. Expect Scowl 2.0 to have no social skills, a British accent and a penchant for the smell of new shoes. Scowl 2.0 will be the nemesis of Josh, after he gets his robotic arm.
CTU finds the oilrig and informs the White House about the location of the component, along with an innocent 16-year-old boy that everyone seems to be concerned about.
VP Crap Pants, feeling pressure from “Su Su Subero,” orders a massive air attack with a side of mayhem on the oilrig. As this is happening, the Russians are inching towards a US base somewhere in Southeast Asia because their national security is being threatened.
With the attack to occur in less than 20 minutes, VP Crap Pants offers Su Su Subero a “real-time” link so that he can watch the explosion. It tears into his voyeuristic porn time, but the Russian president figures it’s equally, if not more important to watch F-18s take out a teenager, an old man, a handful of Chinese goons and a piece of machinery no bigger than a pack of cigarettes that contains the location to their only stockpile of guns (it’s next to the cases of Vodka in the shed out back).
Bauer is mad and, along with Old Man Buchanan, conspire to take over the helicopter to get Josh out of there. The plan is to “move hard” which simply calls for Bauer to shoot constantly and around every corner. One of the bullets hits a barrel and explodes half of Cheng’s face off. (At this point, my dad picks at his teeth and somehow snores at the same time. I wish there was an explosion barrel in the basement).
The F-18s are screaming towards the rig, which only gives about five minutes for Plan Move Hard (this is also a Bauer-patented sex move that he uses on special occasions like baptisms and Superbowl Sunday).
Papa Bayer drags Josh to the bottom of the rig where another dingy is waiting for them. Josh, who suddenly feels Bauer-ific, clocks gramps on the head with a wrench, takes his gun and shoots his Grandpa in the chest, ending any chance that he’ll have a normal adolescence. He should just buy eye shadow, black leather pants and The Cure’s entire discography after today. And maybe change his name to “Loth” and date a Wiccan chic named “Willow.”
Bauer shows up, tells Josh that even though he’s scared and angry, it’s not worth shooting an old man over and that he should run to the top where another old man is waiting for him.
With Josh gone, Jack yells “Get up! It’s over! You are going to be held accountable for all you did today!” Creepy. This is how I say goodnight to my dad. Unfortunately with the F-18s on their way, Papa Bauer is going to get off easy, which is something he hasn’t been able to do for years.
Jack jumps off the rig just in time to catch a ladder hanging off the helicopter. He eventually drops into the water and swims to shore. Old Man Buchanan looks down and understands what’s going on. Jack Bauer has his own agenda, like a full can of beer floating aimlessly in a lake.
The oilrig has been completely destroyed, Josh is safe and reunited with his mom and Khay and Old Man Buchanan are going to retire to Vermont where they can live their lives without fear of prosecution. Now the only fears they have to worry about are loneliness and the dreaded Sasquatch. Cheng is brought back to CTU and is told he will be “debriefed” somewhere else (this sounds like a dirty job Mike Rowe should tackle).
Suddenly we’re transported to the Heller beach house where Jack has wandered to armed with a silencer and a beef with Papa Heller.
Here we see Jack go through a variety of emotions in an unnatural amount of time. We see displaced daddy issues, wrath, sadness, love, guilt and probably a little bit of indigestion.
Bauer is pissed that Heller didn’t try to get him out of China, that he’s disallowing him to see Audrey (Sheryl Crow) and that he’s the father he always wanted and never got a hug. Unfortunately, it’s too late and you never hug a guy who’s holding a silencer. That’s a Heller family rule.
Jack wants his life back and wants to take care of Sheryl Crow. He lays out his skills as being good at “disappearing” and “killing people.” For some reason, these skills don’t appeal to Heller and he stands by his “Don’t touch my daughter” rule (ah, memories of grade school).
Papa Heller brings Jack into Sheryl Crow’s bedroom, where she is sleeping and hooked up to various machines. Jack sits down, touches her hand, says he’ll always love her, gets bored and leaves. Jack Bauer is a man of action and a woman in a coma isn’t sexy.
He decides to “let her go” and walks out, with silencer in hand to stare at the ocean. Eventually the screen fades to black and the silent clock appears, which is usually reserved for the death of a major character.
Let’s hope it was the emotional, weeping while holding to a small tree Bauer that died, which will leave the gun-toting, smirking, violently frantic, confrontational, knee-cap shooting, heroin injecting, hand-chopping, “dammit” yelling, non-eating, car-jacking, Bauer we’ve all grown to love.
At least, that better be the Bauer we see next January…Till then friends. I’m going to drown myself in a sea of Jack Daniels.
5.15.2007
In Ten Years China Will be a Superpower...in a World of Shame
3 a.m. to 4 a.m.
5.14.07
By introducing the world to the egg roll, pandas and rickshaws and poisoning our pets, China has been inching closer and closer to the ever-elusive ranking of “superpower.” Now, according to Papa Bauer, the timetable for that to happen is 10 years, and the old man plans to be there for the party.
The country has much to learn before it gets those embroidered bomber jackets direct from the UN that says “Superpower” on the back in white lettering. For starters, they have to learn how to properly deal with a hysterical white woman. As it stands, it’s their one true weakness.
Bright Eyes (Marilyn Bauer) freaks out like only a hysterical white woman can (glazed eyes, arms flailing about, incomprehensible shrieking) because the Chinese are dragging her son, the Bauer Boy (Josh) away to see Pappy Bauer.
Jack and company are being moved to “secure rooms” at CTU (Fools. No room at CTU is secure.) Jack informs Nadia that this is the only chance they have at freeing themselves and running after the Bauer Boy.
The Bauer “long-shot-at-best-and-you-might-not-live” plan involves hitting people in the nuts, Nadia trying to wrestle a gun away and Morris humping people’s backs while he’s twirled around like a drunk female socialite on a mechanical bull.
Somehow, this all works, probably because the MSG has set in and the Asian gang isn’t all that quick at the moment. Or maybe it’s because Jack likes to live dangerously. Incidentally so do I. Sometimes, I listen to Creed and see how long I can last before I go blind from rage. My personal record is 45 seconds. Ten if the song is "Arms Wide Open.”
Strikeforce shows up in time to kill the guy on top of Nadia. They share a soft glance towards each other and then look at Milo’s rotting corpse. I wish they were all dead. They are the dollar store version of Michelle and Tony. It’s a cheap imitation that doesn’t work, even with batteries.
Pappy Bauer is reunited with his grandson via cell phone and explains that they are going to start a new life in sunny, non-threatening China. Oh, it’s not China now. It’s China in 10 years, when it will be more like Disneyland, only with less drugs.
They have to leave now because Pappy has been craving fried rice for the past 12 hours. Interestingly enough, Pappy’s 10-year plan is also a version of The Bauer “long-shot-at-best-and-you-might-not-live” plan.
The Bauer Boy doesn’t like this China plan and tells gramps he’s out of his mind. Back in the sewer Jack and Strikeforce are navigating through the tunnels on what I can only assume is Bauer’s uncanny sense of smell (the Bauer Boy smells like fear, which smells a lot like broccoli, which can kill you).
As Cheng and his Chinese thugs take Bauer Boy in the car, Jack pops his head out of the concrete hole in the ground and starts shooting with blind fury at the only thing moving in the vicinity. Amazingly he hits the driver of the car and not the Bauer Boy.
A gunfight ensues (Bauer calls these “funfights”) and Cheng pulls the asshole move and uses Bauer Boy as a human shield on the way to the roof. It’s here where Bauer Boy gains his freedom by kicking Cheng in the face and runs away.
Jack shows up, holds his former captor at gunpoint and screams for Bauer Boy’s location. Cheng cringes and looks confused. I know that look. I see it every time I ask for two happy endings at the local Asian massage parlor.
Bauer Boy ends up below the metal bridge, holding on for dear life from a chain. Didn’t he escape? How the HELL did he end up dangling from a chain?
In the middle of the confusion, Cheng disappears. Literally disappears. He’s in the middle of the roof, Jack is blocking the only door and 30 yards the other way is apparently the walkway that ends with you almost falling off the building. Maybe he can fly because the next time we see him, he’s on the ground, talking to Pappy about “serious consequences” and getting scolded for not delivering the boy.
This is the country that is going to be a superpower in a decade? If they can’t get terrorism right, they don’t have a prayer. The only superpower they’ll be is in a world of shame.
Just in case you forgot about the meandering plot at the White House, the writers made sure that VP Noah “I just crapped in my pants” Daniels was made available for a five minute recap of everything that happened.
The blonde-aide is still trying to get Bishop, the secret Russian operative, to access her PDA and felt the best way to do that was to have long-winded, weird sex. Tom “This is not good” Lennox was stuck in a van watching the tawdry sex dance unfold.
Bishop finally finishes and Blonde Aide excuses herself, leaving the traitor along with the PDA. Just as he’s about to send the files over to Russia, he hesitates and realizes that me might be getting double-crossed. Why? Because he just had sex and he’s enjoying that special time when a man has depleted his sperm supply and he suddenly gains 16 more IQ points.
Lennox and the Secret Service watch Blonde Aide get strangled and then suddenly realize they aren’t at home watching their favorite porn site “HornyPoliticalShrews.gov” and bust into the apartment. Bishop is given a choice: ass sex in prison or death. He chooses life and sends the fake emails to Russia, in the hope that World War III will be stopped.
Speaking of ass sex, CTU has a new dickhead at the office named Ben Cram and he’s here from division to “assess the security breach” which is like a father inspecting his daughter seconds after her boyfriend reached third. It’s unnecessary and uncomfortable, for everyone involved.
Cram reminds Nadia that she sucks at her job. Morris leans in to tell her to stay strong. This would have meant more to her had he not been an alcoholic Brit and former shoe salesman who armed a nuclear bomb for the enemy.
VP Crap-Pants contacts the Russian president to uphold the lie. The Russian prez doesn’t buy it, mainly because he WAS watching “HornyPoliticalShrews.gov” and saw everything. He offers the US two more hours until he advances on a US base, all in the name of defense. I say let them attack. How bad can soldiers armed with shovels, rocks and a dog whistle really be?
Crap-Pants is now prepared to go to war over a piece of circuitry. Tom returns and gets a call from Pappy saying that he’s willing to trade the circuit board for his grandson and safe passage out of the country.
Even though KHay says PB is a sociopath who can’t be trusted (and Tom agrees), it’s said that averting World War III is worth the freedom of an evil man. Crap-Pants suddenly talks about the Russian president acting out of character and has his staff speculate about what could be happening behind the scenes in Russia.
The speculation of evil Russian generals who have a beef with the US is enough to convince him to trust Pappy. So just as Jack is bringing the Bauer Boy back to his mom (who will no doubt grant Jack access to her fun zone), he is snatched away by Strikeforce and taken in a helicopter.
Next week is the two-hour epic finale when we’ll finally find out if World War III is gonna happen and whether or not Jack will get laid.
5.14.07
By introducing the world to the egg roll, pandas and rickshaws and poisoning our pets, China has been inching closer and closer to the ever-elusive ranking of “superpower.” Now, according to Papa Bauer, the timetable for that to happen is 10 years, and the old man plans to be there for the party.
The country has much to learn before it gets those embroidered bomber jackets direct from the UN that says “Superpower” on the back in white lettering. For starters, they have to learn how to properly deal with a hysterical white woman. As it stands, it’s their one true weakness.
Bright Eyes (Marilyn Bauer) freaks out like only a hysterical white woman can (glazed eyes, arms flailing about, incomprehensible shrieking) because the Chinese are dragging her son, the Bauer Boy (Josh) away to see Pappy Bauer.
Jack and company are being moved to “secure rooms” at CTU (Fools. No room at CTU is secure.) Jack informs Nadia that this is the only chance they have at freeing themselves and running after the Bauer Boy.
The Bauer “long-shot-at-best-and-you-might-not-live” plan involves hitting people in the nuts, Nadia trying to wrestle a gun away and Morris humping people’s backs while he’s twirled around like a drunk female socialite on a mechanical bull.
Somehow, this all works, probably because the MSG has set in and the Asian gang isn’t all that quick at the moment. Or maybe it’s because Jack likes to live dangerously. Incidentally so do I. Sometimes, I listen to Creed and see how long I can last before I go blind from rage. My personal record is 45 seconds. Ten if the song is "Arms Wide Open.”
Strikeforce shows up in time to kill the guy on top of Nadia. They share a soft glance towards each other and then look at Milo’s rotting corpse. I wish they were all dead. They are the dollar store version of Michelle and Tony. It’s a cheap imitation that doesn’t work, even with batteries.
Pappy Bauer is reunited with his grandson via cell phone and explains that they are going to start a new life in sunny, non-threatening China. Oh, it’s not China now. It’s China in 10 years, when it will be more like Disneyland, only with less drugs.
They have to leave now because Pappy has been craving fried rice for the past 12 hours. Interestingly enough, Pappy’s 10-year plan is also a version of The Bauer “long-shot-at-best-and-you-might-not-live” plan.
The Bauer Boy doesn’t like this China plan and tells gramps he’s out of his mind. Back in the sewer Jack and Strikeforce are navigating through the tunnels on what I can only assume is Bauer’s uncanny sense of smell (the Bauer Boy smells like fear, which smells a lot like broccoli, which can kill you).
As Cheng and his Chinese thugs take Bauer Boy in the car, Jack pops his head out of the concrete hole in the ground and starts shooting with blind fury at the only thing moving in the vicinity. Amazingly he hits the driver of the car and not the Bauer Boy.
A gunfight ensues (Bauer calls these “funfights”) and Cheng pulls the asshole move and uses Bauer Boy as a human shield on the way to the roof. It’s here where Bauer Boy gains his freedom by kicking Cheng in the face and runs away.
Jack shows up, holds his former captor at gunpoint and screams for Bauer Boy’s location. Cheng cringes and looks confused. I know that look. I see it every time I ask for two happy endings at the local Asian massage parlor.
Bauer Boy ends up below the metal bridge, holding on for dear life from a chain. Didn’t he escape? How the HELL did he end up dangling from a chain?
In the middle of the confusion, Cheng disappears. Literally disappears. He’s in the middle of the roof, Jack is blocking the only door and 30 yards the other way is apparently the walkway that ends with you almost falling off the building. Maybe he can fly because the next time we see him, he’s on the ground, talking to Pappy about “serious consequences” and getting scolded for not delivering the boy.
This is the country that is going to be a superpower in a decade? If they can’t get terrorism right, they don’t have a prayer. The only superpower they’ll be is in a world of shame.
Just in case you forgot about the meandering plot at the White House, the writers made sure that VP Noah “I just crapped in my pants” Daniels was made available for a five minute recap of everything that happened.
The blonde-aide is still trying to get Bishop, the secret Russian operative, to access her PDA and felt the best way to do that was to have long-winded, weird sex. Tom “This is not good” Lennox was stuck in a van watching the tawdry sex dance unfold.
Bishop finally finishes and Blonde Aide excuses herself, leaving the traitor along with the PDA. Just as he’s about to send the files over to Russia, he hesitates and realizes that me might be getting double-crossed. Why? Because he just had sex and he’s enjoying that special time when a man has depleted his sperm supply and he suddenly gains 16 more IQ points.
Lennox and the Secret Service watch Blonde Aide get strangled and then suddenly realize they aren’t at home watching their favorite porn site “HornyPoliticalShrews.gov” and bust into the apartment. Bishop is given a choice: ass sex in prison or death. He chooses life and sends the fake emails to Russia, in the hope that World War III will be stopped.
Speaking of ass sex, CTU has a new dickhead at the office named Ben Cram and he’s here from division to “assess the security breach” which is like a father inspecting his daughter seconds after her boyfriend reached third. It’s unnecessary and uncomfortable, for everyone involved.
Cram reminds Nadia that she sucks at her job. Morris leans in to tell her to stay strong. This would have meant more to her had he not been an alcoholic Brit and former shoe salesman who armed a nuclear bomb for the enemy.
VP Crap-Pants contacts the Russian president to uphold the lie. The Russian prez doesn’t buy it, mainly because he WAS watching “HornyPoliticalShrews.gov” and saw everything. He offers the US two more hours until he advances on a US base, all in the name of defense. I say let them attack. How bad can soldiers armed with shovels, rocks and a dog whistle really be?
Crap-Pants is now prepared to go to war over a piece of circuitry. Tom returns and gets a call from Pappy saying that he’s willing to trade the circuit board for his grandson and safe passage out of the country.
Even though KHay says PB is a sociopath who can’t be trusted (and Tom agrees), it’s said that averting World War III is worth the freedom of an evil man. Crap-Pants suddenly talks about the Russian president acting out of character and has his staff speculate about what could be happening behind the scenes in Russia.
The speculation of evil Russian generals who have a beef with the US is enough to convince him to trust Pappy. So just as Jack is bringing the Bauer Boy back to his mom (who will no doubt grant Jack access to her fun zone), he is snatched away by Strikeforce and taken in a helicopter.
Next week is the two-hour epic finale when we’ll finally find out if World War III is gonna happen and whether or not Jack will get laid.
5.08.2007
CTU Penetrated. Police Say Building was Asking For It.
2 a.m. to 3 a.m.
5.7.07
The security at CTU has failed again, proving once more that their guards are as useful as geriatric Wal-Mart greeters. And those guys can barely see or speak English.
This time the culprits went through the sewer (what? there’s a sewer under CTU?), which is a shame because Old Man Buchanan used to patrol that sector with a flashlight and a baseball bat. Sometimes he would go down there to hear his echo in the tunnels.
The reason CTU was even less secure was because Team Strikeforce, made up of Ricky Schroder and anyone else in the area with a gun, stormed a copper refinery with the hope that it was Cheng’s safehouse. It wasn’t, and just like that episode of “Silver Spoons” where Schroder dressed up like a girl, he wasted precious time.
All they found were empty weapon crates and half-eaten fortune cookies, which is bad news. Asians are the most pissed when they are armed with guns and a belly full of food.
Because Team Strikeforce failed (has Schroder done anything right today?) the job of preventing World War III was passed to Lisa Miller aka Blonde-aid, aka slut-bag whore. Tom has her call Bishop, the boyfriend spy, so that they may be able to trick the Russians into pulling the attack back. When every other plan fails, the US turns to trickery. Six times out of 10, it works.
Sweet. So the hot girl will be a spy for the government because the guy she is banging is the enemy. I liked this plotline…six years ago…when it was called season one. Oh, but this time we actually got to see some sex. Thanks 24 writers. Your need to inject sex into an action-oriented show gave me another uncomfortable moment with my parents.
Unfortunately, Bishop just woke up from a dream about sexy aborigines, so he’s extra horny and only wants to access the whore’s bra strap. This produces an uncomfortable moment for Peeping Tom. I know how he feels. My mom is still accusing me of watching porn.
C’mon, every woman knows how to turn a man off so that he’ll leave you alone. After she said she felt “grungy,” she should have farted. Nothing makes a man gravitate towards a PDA faster than a girl farting on his bed.
Wasted farts reminds me of Milo, who, like Schroder is just using up precious minutes that Bauer could be using to kill people with (instead, he’s sitting at a desk, stewing).
After hours of looking hurt and jealous, Milo has given Nadia his blessing for her relationship with Strikeforce, essentially calling their quick sexual tryst hours before a non-issue. Nadia is confused. I don’t care because I think her by-the-book attitude equates to her being boring in bed.
Morris and Scowl-face make their split-up official. Scowl-face is sad. Morris is confidently ashamed about his prior actions and believes Scowl-face will constantly throw the “you armed a nuclear bomb” every time he leaves the toilet seat up.
But love isn’t completely dead at CTU. It’s found its way to Bright Eyes (Marilyn Bauer) who has been watching the news with her son, the Bauer Boy (Josh) for the past 13 hours. It’s freaking 2 a.m. Any normal teenager would have masturbated in the corner to Nadia and passed out by now. Then again, Josh does have Bauer blood, even though it’s tainted by evil.
Bright Eyes finds out about Audrey being alive through a meddling Scowl-face (her life sucks, so she is arbitrarily helping others). She also hears about Papa Heller putting out a restraining order against Jack. Unless that restraining order has a clause about a giant, army of mentally challenged bears standing in Bauer’s way, it’s utterly useless (if they are mentally challenged, they are unpredictable).
Bright Eyes goes to Jack to show him that she’s still hot and that, like a greasy taco after a night of binge drinking, she’ll be there for him. Just when one fun zone is closed off to Bauer, another opens.
The fun zone will have to wait for now because Cheng’s Asian Street Gang has penetrated CTU from below. It’s a shame they were the ones that penetrated the building because they are the dirtiest and most ruthless of all the penetraters. Ideally, you want the Russians to penetrate you, since they will most likely be too drunk to do any real damage and will eventually die under a dock in the ocean.
Nadia calls for the red alert and orders everyone to go to their “assigned safe rooms.” Scowl-face’s is decorated with padded walls and sensory toys. She is also required to wear a helmet and is kept away from chocolate.
Cheng (if he was passed out in a chair, snoring and wearing a red sweatshirt, he’d be my dad) is now obsessed about “the package,” which turns out to be Bauer Boy. I wish he would use proper words to describe things, although I should reserve my anger for the English night classes at community colleges for failing Cheng.
The leader of the Asian Street Gang (they’re like West Side Story’s Jets, except with more attitude and less dancing) asks who is in charge. Nadia takes her time, which allows Milo to shoot up, thinking this will finally be the way to get her on his side. Instead he gets a bullet to the head. I’m utterly surprised at how much I don’t care.
Bauer is finally let loose and starts killing people and using dead bodies as shields. He meets up with Bright Eyes and the Bauer Boy (they are now Family 2.0) and usher them to safety, especially after he hears that the ASG is after the boy.
Jack finds a vent, gets mad at it and jams his rifle into its fans. The Bauer Boy makes it through, but the other Bauers are left behind and brought back to the leader of the ASG, who informs them that they just want the boy
However, the Bauer Boy eventually comes out of the vent because no son wants to see a bullet rip through his mother’s skull. Now that the ASG has the Bauer Boy, Cheng calls Papa Bauer, who gave up CTU’s codes so that the ASG could get past security (the Wal-Mart greeters).
Papa Bauer has been busy since he answered that Craigslist posting about a broken sub-circuit board. Now that he’s almost done, he’ll be free to torment his family again, which can only lead to more tears, screaming, gun-pointing and drunken Irish jigs. The Bauers know how to have fun, especially during May Sweeps.
5.7.07
The security at CTU has failed again, proving once more that their guards are as useful as geriatric Wal-Mart greeters. And those guys can barely see or speak English.
This time the culprits went through the sewer (what? there’s a sewer under CTU?), which is a shame because Old Man Buchanan used to patrol that sector with a flashlight and a baseball bat. Sometimes he would go down there to hear his echo in the tunnels.
The reason CTU was even less secure was because Team Strikeforce, made up of Ricky Schroder and anyone else in the area with a gun, stormed a copper refinery with the hope that it was Cheng’s safehouse. It wasn’t, and just like that episode of “Silver Spoons” where Schroder dressed up like a girl, he wasted precious time.
All they found were empty weapon crates and half-eaten fortune cookies, which is bad news. Asians are the most pissed when they are armed with guns and a belly full of food.
Because Team Strikeforce failed (has Schroder done anything right today?) the job of preventing World War III was passed to Lisa Miller aka Blonde-aid, aka slut-bag whore. Tom has her call Bishop, the boyfriend spy, so that they may be able to trick the Russians into pulling the attack back. When every other plan fails, the US turns to trickery. Six times out of 10, it works.
Sweet. So the hot girl will be a spy for the government because the guy she is banging is the enemy. I liked this plotline…six years ago…when it was called season one. Oh, but this time we actually got to see some sex. Thanks 24 writers. Your need to inject sex into an action-oriented show gave me another uncomfortable moment with my parents.
Unfortunately, Bishop just woke up from a dream about sexy aborigines, so he’s extra horny and only wants to access the whore’s bra strap. This produces an uncomfortable moment for Peeping Tom. I know how he feels. My mom is still accusing me of watching porn.
C’mon, every woman knows how to turn a man off so that he’ll leave you alone. After she said she felt “grungy,” she should have farted. Nothing makes a man gravitate towards a PDA faster than a girl farting on his bed.
Wasted farts reminds me of Milo, who, like Schroder is just using up precious minutes that Bauer could be using to kill people with (instead, he’s sitting at a desk, stewing).
After hours of looking hurt and jealous, Milo has given Nadia his blessing for her relationship with Strikeforce, essentially calling their quick sexual tryst hours before a non-issue. Nadia is confused. I don’t care because I think her by-the-book attitude equates to her being boring in bed.
Morris and Scowl-face make their split-up official. Scowl-face is sad. Morris is confidently ashamed about his prior actions and believes Scowl-face will constantly throw the “you armed a nuclear bomb” every time he leaves the toilet seat up.
But love isn’t completely dead at CTU. It’s found its way to Bright Eyes (Marilyn Bauer) who has been watching the news with her son, the Bauer Boy (Josh) for the past 13 hours. It’s freaking 2 a.m. Any normal teenager would have masturbated in the corner to Nadia and passed out by now. Then again, Josh does have Bauer blood, even though it’s tainted by evil.
Bright Eyes finds out about Audrey being alive through a meddling Scowl-face (her life sucks, so she is arbitrarily helping others). She also hears about Papa Heller putting out a restraining order against Jack. Unless that restraining order has a clause about a giant, army of mentally challenged bears standing in Bauer’s way, it’s utterly useless (if they are mentally challenged, they are unpredictable).
Bright Eyes goes to Jack to show him that she’s still hot and that, like a greasy taco after a night of binge drinking, she’ll be there for him. Just when one fun zone is closed off to Bauer, another opens.
The fun zone will have to wait for now because Cheng’s Asian Street Gang has penetrated CTU from below. It’s a shame they were the ones that penetrated the building because they are the dirtiest and most ruthless of all the penetraters. Ideally, you want the Russians to penetrate you, since they will most likely be too drunk to do any real damage and will eventually die under a dock in the ocean.
Nadia calls for the red alert and orders everyone to go to their “assigned safe rooms.” Scowl-face’s is decorated with padded walls and sensory toys. She is also required to wear a helmet and is kept away from chocolate.
Cheng (if he was passed out in a chair, snoring and wearing a red sweatshirt, he’d be my dad) is now obsessed about “the package,” which turns out to be Bauer Boy. I wish he would use proper words to describe things, although I should reserve my anger for the English night classes at community colleges for failing Cheng.
The leader of the Asian Street Gang (they’re like West Side Story’s Jets, except with more attitude and less dancing) asks who is in charge. Nadia takes her time, which allows Milo to shoot up, thinking this will finally be the way to get her on his side. Instead he gets a bullet to the head. I’m utterly surprised at how much I don’t care.
Bauer is finally let loose and starts killing people and using dead bodies as shields. He meets up with Bright Eyes and the Bauer Boy (they are now Family 2.0) and usher them to safety, especially after he hears that the ASG is after the boy.
Jack finds a vent, gets mad at it and jams his rifle into its fans. The Bauer Boy makes it through, but the other Bauers are left behind and brought back to the leader of the ASG, who informs them that they just want the boy
However, the Bauer Boy eventually comes out of the vent because no son wants to see a bullet rip through his mother’s skull. Now that the ASG has the Bauer Boy, Cheng calls Papa Bauer, who gave up CTU’s codes so that the ASG could get past security (the Wal-Mart greeters).
Papa Bauer has been busy since he answered that Craigslist posting about a broken sub-circuit board. Now that he’s almost done, he’ll be free to torment his family again, which can only lead to more tears, screaming, gun-pointing and drunken Irish jigs. The Bauers know how to have fun, especially during May Sweeps.
5.01.2007
Touch of Evil
1 a.m. to 2 a.m.
4.30.07
There’s something in the air tonight. It’s not love or an unsettling Phil Collins song. No, that feeling floating through the atmosphere is the grip of evil and it’s touching everyone in their no-no-bad-places.
Sheryl Crow (Audrey) has been touched by the Chinese and is in a state of catatonic shock. That’s what happens when you are prodded with chopsticks and force-fed bowls of rice.
Her arms are all scabbed up and she desperately needs a shower and a Red Bull. She also needs to be caught up on the action and since Old Man Buchanan has been fired and is now at the local stripclub crying into the welcoming arms of a stripper, someone else will have to do the recapping.
Ricky “Strikeforce” Schroder: “Jack bought your freedom from the Chinese with a Russian component that holds plans for their infamous lava moat. That component is now gone. They left in black hummers. Oh, and the Wii just came out and it kicks ass.”
Sheryl Crow: “…they mostly come out at night…mostly.”
The conversation upset Strikeforce and he ran away, telling everyone (including Jack) that his girlfriend is a wack-job. Bauer isn’t amused and yells that he wished he was dead with the Russian component and his former Chinese captor. At least he’d be getting some rest. Instead, he’s being hauled off in a helicopter to CTU, the place where people die and break-up constantly.
This is why Morris wants to leave and has filed a transfer order. That and Scowl-face (Chloe) is constantly playing the “I’ll-put-out-the-day-you-stop-arming-bombs-for-terrorists” card. Morris should get a sense of humor. Edgar would have just called her weird and ate a sandwich (I miss that fat bastard so goddamn much. I’m gonna eat a pizza in his honor).
Unfortunately for Morris, he’s using the Private Santiago transfer order plan. That never works. Just do what Bauer does and just leave. Filing transfer orders only gets you Code Reds and CTU's version of it involves soiled underwear (yours), a lighter, cottage cheese and a slap-happy Bauer. He slaps you every time you say the word “don’t.” I’m not going to tell you what he does with the cottage cheese.
Scowl-face is sorry. She crossed the line and she insists that they have said things to each other they haven’t meant before (like "do me in the ass") and wants to be forgiven. Morris wants a drink and likes looking off in the distance when he talks to people. This is why their relationship is failing. That and Morris just likes anal way too much for a man.
VP ODB (Old Dirty Bastard) is taking care of business by closing the borders (“Whatever Karen, this doesn’t do anything”) and whispering sweet, creepy nothings in the phone to the Blonde Aide aka Slut-Bag Whore. Why? She’s doing some guy named Bishop who is apparently using her to gain access to her cell phone. Commendable. And here I was thinking about getting a new phone when I should just be prowling the streets for a girl with a Blackberry. I’m a fool.
Slut-Bag Whore’s minuteman boyfriend has been stealing info from her and telling someone in Russia. Or maybe he’s just posting everything on his Myspace blog. Either way, the Russians know and they are pissed.
The VP confronts Slut-Bag Whore about her other relationship and tells her to be a spy for him. If she doesn’t comply, he’ll turn her into an enemy combatant, shave her head and start spreading rumors about the days when she worked at “Hooters.”
Random: Would you rather be with a someone young who was done quick or an older guy whose head is so massive that it looks like he could devour you whole?
My answer: I’m with Bauer. I’d rather be dead.
This is now the third time this season that the potential for the long awaited sequel to World War II is waved in front of us (I heard George Lucas wants to direct it, so expect an epic, long-winded story that uses computer animation whenever the plot gets a little “gayish.”). WWIII better freaking happen this time.
It’s also nice that the Russian-American teleconference face-off happened thanks to Cisco, makers of the “human network.” So the company that brings us together will eventually tear us apart in the future. Awesome.
The Russians know the component is missing and have an army ready to invade China. Apparently the dream of the lava moat is now dead and the Russians will have to hope their earth-friendly vodka missiles will do the trick.
Not that the component will do any good. Just as Cheng is sending the information to his man with a laptop (who is no doubt putting pirated copies of the component on Limewire), it’s revealed that the component is damaged and won’t work properly
A broken component. Why didn’t Jack think of that instead of trying to blow himself up with C4? Oh right, he has a death wish this season. It wouldn’t have been that hard to stage a firefight and have Cheng flee, especially since the CTU Drama Crew has already proved their skills. I’m assuming it must be union rules that prohibit the crew from working two jobs in one night. That’s a shame.
This is also the first time pops had something positive to contribute instead of his obtrusive snoring and bouts of over-eating during the show.
“Tom ma da!” (or something like that)
Cheng said this in the hummer after finding out the component was a piece of shit. According to pops, it’s a cuss word in Mandarin that’s equivalent to saying “your mother.” Like you, I am not surprised his positive contribution involved translating profanity.
Sheryl Crow is now at CTU and is being examined by Dr Time Crunch, who has the ability to say 104 words in under a minute. The downside: he rarely makes sense. I gathered that Sheryl Crow has bumps everywhere, can’t use or understand basic phrases and will need psychiatric drugs just to take a piss. She could hold it in, but that would just give her cramps and make her “bitchy.”
Even though Nadia is cool with it, Strikeforce insists that Jack be given a chance to speak to Sheryl Crow. Strikeforce claims that, unlike the drugs, there is no change of her dying if she talks to Jack. That’s not true. Jack once killed a man by using a certain combination of words that, when said at a certain pitch, can actually split a brain in two. I won’t give you the combination, but I will say one of the words used was “panties.”
Strikeforce un-cuffs Bauer and sets him loose in CTU, which is like sending a hungry dog into a bacon factory run by hot, sexy poodles. JB punches the pitiful and pushes the lucky to the ground. He then grabs Sheryl Crow and runs out the door.
The lucky guy (it’s Dr. Time Crunch), pulls the alarm, Morris looks a the video feed of Audrey’s room that no one was watching, Milo says something stupid (fast becoming the most useless character on the show), Chloe can’t be found and the VP is laying into his sexual history to a flabbergasted Tom Lennox as legions of 24 fans allow a prolonged “eewwwwww” to escape their lips for the second week in a row.
Jack only has minutes and plans to bypass years of therapy and medication to get Sheryl Crow to back to normal again. He does this with hugs and telling her it’s ok to hate Chinese people for the rest of her life (don’t worry, we’re used to the suspicious looks, distrust and constant comparisons to Hiro on NBC's "Heroes.").
Just as CTU is breaking down the door, Sheryl Crow says the word “Bloomfield,” which is enough for Jack and turns out to be a decent lead in the end. Papa Heller is back (he didn’t die in the car crash. I know. I wish he did too) and he is ready to bring Sheryl Crow home.
He also visits Jack to say hello and that “everything that you touch, one way or another, ends up dead.” Charlie Brown could do that with Christmas trees and my ex-girlfriend can do that with souls. If you combine those two monsters, you get a bald harpy who wears yellow sweaters with a brown stripe who has an obsession with cats...I'm scared too.
4.30.07
There’s something in the air tonight. It’s not love or an unsettling Phil Collins song. No, that feeling floating through the atmosphere is the grip of evil and it’s touching everyone in their no-no-bad-places.
Sheryl Crow (Audrey) has been touched by the Chinese and is in a state of catatonic shock. That’s what happens when you are prodded with chopsticks and force-fed bowls of rice.
Her arms are all scabbed up and she desperately needs a shower and a Red Bull. She also needs to be caught up on the action and since Old Man Buchanan has been fired and is now at the local stripclub crying into the welcoming arms of a stripper, someone else will have to do the recapping.
Ricky “Strikeforce” Schroder: “Jack bought your freedom from the Chinese with a Russian component that holds plans for their infamous lava moat. That component is now gone. They left in black hummers. Oh, and the Wii just came out and it kicks ass.”
Sheryl Crow: “…they mostly come out at night…mostly.”
The conversation upset Strikeforce and he ran away, telling everyone (including Jack) that his girlfriend is a wack-job. Bauer isn’t amused and yells that he wished he was dead with the Russian component and his former Chinese captor. At least he’d be getting some rest. Instead, he’s being hauled off in a helicopter to CTU, the place where people die and break-up constantly.
This is why Morris wants to leave and has filed a transfer order. That and Scowl-face (Chloe) is constantly playing the “I’ll-put-out-the-day-you-stop-arming-bombs-for-terrorists” card. Morris should get a sense of humor. Edgar would have just called her weird and ate a sandwich (I miss that fat bastard so goddamn much. I’m gonna eat a pizza in his honor).
Unfortunately for Morris, he’s using the Private Santiago transfer order plan. That never works. Just do what Bauer does and just leave. Filing transfer orders only gets you Code Reds and CTU's version of it involves soiled underwear (yours), a lighter, cottage cheese and a slap-happy Bauer. He slaps you every time you say the word “don’t.” I’m not going to tell you what he does with the cottage cheese.
Scowl-face is sorry. She crossed the line and she insists that they have said things to each other they haven’t meant before (like "do me in the ass") and wants to be forgiven. Morris wants a drink and likes looking off in the distance when he talks to people. This is why their relationship is failing. That and Morris just likes anal way too much for a man.
VP ODB (Old Dirty Bastard) is taking care of business by closing the borders (“Whatever Karen, this doesn’t do anything”) and whispering sweet, creepy nothings in the phone to the Blonde Aide aka Slut-Bag Whore. Why? She’s doing some guy named Bishop who is apparently using her to gain access to her cell phone. Commendable. And here I was thinking about getting a new phone when I should just be prowling the streets for a girl with a Blackberry. I’m a fool.
Slut-Bag Whore’s minuteman boyfriend has been stealing info from her and telling someone in Russia. Or maybe he’s just posting everything on his Myspace blog. Either way, the Russians know and they are pissed.
The VP confronts Slut-Bag Whore about her other relationship and tells her to be a spy for him. If she doesn’t comply, he’ll turn her into an enemy combatant, shave her head and start spreading rumors about the days when she worked at “Hooters.”
Random: Would you rather be with a someone young who was done quick or an older guy whose head is so massive that it looks like he could devour you whole?
My answer: I’m with Bauer. I’d rather be dead.
This is now the third time this season that the potential for the long awaited sequel to World War II is waved in front of us (I heard George Lucas wants to direct it, so expect an epic, long-winded story that uses computer animation whenever the plot gets a little “gayish.”). WWIII better freaking happen this time.
It’s also nice that the Russian-American teleconference face-off happened thanks to Cisco, makers of the “human network.” So the company that brings us together will eventually tear us apart in the future. Awesome.
The Russians know the component is missing and have an army ready to invade China. Apparently the dream of the lava moat is now dead and the Russians will have to hope their earth-friendly vodka missiles will do the trick.
Not that the component will do any good. Just as Cheng is sending the information to his man with a laptop (who is no doubt putting pirated copies of the component on Limewire), it’s revealed that the component is damaged and won’t work properly
A broken component. Why didn’t Jack think of that instead of trying to blow himself up with C4? Oh right, he has a death wish this season. It wouldn’t have been that hard to stage a firefight and have Cheng flee, especially since the CTU Drama Crew has already proved their skills. I’m assuming it must be union rules that prohibit the crew from working two jobs in one night. That’s a shame.
This is also the first time pops had something positive to contribute instead of his obtrusive snoring and bouts of over-eating during the show.
“Tom ma da!” (or something like that)
Cheng said this in the hummer after finding out the component was a piece of shit. According to pops, it’s a cuss word in Mandarin that’s equivalent to saying “your mother.” Like you, I am not surprised his positive contribution involved translating profanity.
Sheryl Crow is now at CTU and is being examined by Dr Time Crunch, who has the ability to say 104 words in under a minute. The downside: he rarely makes sense. I gathered that Sheryl Crow has bumps everywhere, can’t use or understand basic phrases and will need psychiatric drugs just to take a piss. She could hold it in, but that would just give her cramps and make her “bitchy.”
Even though Nadia is cool with it, Strikeforce insists that Jack be given a chance to speak to Sheryl Crow. Strikeforce claims that, unlike the drugs, there is no change of her dying if she talks to Jack. That’s not true. Jack once killed a man by using a certain combination of words that, when said at a certain pitch, can actually split a brain in two. I won’t give you the combination, but I will say one of the words used was “panties.”
Strikeforce un-cuffs Bauer and sets him loose in CTU, which is like sending a hungry dog into a bacon factory run by hot, sexy poodles. JB punches the pitiful and pushes the lucky to the ground. He then grabs Sheryl Crow and runs out the door.
The lucky guy (it’s Dr. Time Crunch), pulls the alarm, Morris looks a the video feed of Audrey’s room that no one was watching, Milo says something stupid (fast becoming the most useless character on the show), Chloe can’t be found and the VP is laying into his sexual history to a flabbergasted Tom Lennox as legions of 24 fans allow a prolonged “eewwwwww” to escape their lips for the second week in a row.
Jack only has minutes and plans to bypass years of therapy and medication to get Sheryl Crow to back to normal again. He does this with hugs and telling her it’s ok to hate Chinese people for the rest of her life (don’t worry, we’re used to the suspicious looks, distrust and constant comparisons to Hiro on NBC's "Heroes.").
Just as CTU is breaking down the door, Sheryl Crow says the word “Bloomfield,” which is enough for Jack and turns out to be a decent lead in the end. Papa Heller is back (he didn’t die in the car crash. I know. I wish he did too) and he is ready to bring Sheryl Crow home.
He also visits Jack to say hello and that “everything that you touch, one way or another, ends up dead.” Charlie Brown could do that with Christmas trees and my ex-girlfriend can do that with souls. If you combine those two monsters, you get a bald harpy who wears yellow sweaters with a brown stripe who has an obsession with cats...I'm scared too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)