The Candyman is on the Prowl

24 Season 7, Episodes 11 & 12
6 p.m. to 8 p.m.

General Juma, in his Coming to America garb.

Juma's team has infiltrated America and done so with the greatest of ease thanks to young men with non-threatening faces who are skilled at the art of small talk. They were so ingrained in our culture that white people were inviting them to weekend parties that were serving Chinese food. Add a drunk donkey in the backyard and it doesn't get any more American than that.

They've been hiding in the background of society, doing menial jobs and getting by with plastic ID tags that are apparently legit enough to fool FBI agents standing guard in hospitals.

"Picture match face? You go now."

This is all to lay the groundwork for General Juma's Coming to America party, only instead of searching for a queen (which was apparently Dubaku's side mission) he's here to conduct a good ol' fashion home invasion against the White House, "the high value, high impact" target.

No one could have figured out that the White House was the high value target? Did anyone even try to guess the Lincoln Memorial? Or maybe it was hard to ignore the draw of the National Building Museum, a place dedicated to, of all things, buildings.

MPAT: "Juma's HERE? In DC? He is guilty of crimes against humanity and must be caught!"

His crimes? Genocide and securing funding for enough Olive Garden commercials to last a century. Juma knows where to hit you where it hurts the most: your heart and your pop-culture soul.

But in order to get to the White House Juma needed help, which came in the form of one Ryan Burnett, politico tool for hire who happens to work for Senator Mayer, Red from That 70's Show, and who has watched the Don't Tase Me Bro video enough times to know how to take a hit of electricity.

Thanks to some vague information from Tony in the form of "Dude, um, someone told me something is gonna happen. Here. Like soon" Jack is ready to go balls to the wall with his constant nemesis: sanity.

In five minutes, the two rogue former CTU agents hatch a plan:

-Enter White House.
-Steal Taser.
-Torture Burnett with a combination of taser-ing, medical explanations about what electricity does to the body and counting down the tases from 128.
-Use word "paralysis" as a last resort
-Get arrested

Plan B involves the tried and true offer of immunity from the president.

And because the plan falls into the N category for "Nuts," Bauer subdues Old Man Buchanan with the Brokeback Mountain "It's alright. Don't fight it" hold.

This is how Bauer protects, by rendering you incapacitated and unaware of his antics. It's also how he gets free Happy Meals on the weekend.

As always, he's getting help from Chloe, who has the master list of all the people Dubaku had contact with in Washington. I have a similar list locked away that has the names of the people who farted in or on my car. You know who you are (dad's on there twice for two separate infractions).

However, she's getting hounded by her nemesis, Cryface, who initiated the Awkward IT War with a preemptive strike by monitoring Scowlface's calls and online activity. When she intercepts a cell phone call from Jack to Chloe, Janice turns Scowlface in to Lame Larry and goes on a rant about the alleged "wiz bang" computer geek.

And a word about the beautiful, worlds-colliding awkwardness in Chloe-Janice exchange of computer phrases: awesome. It was uncomfortable with a side of the same tension you get from watching your parents fight on Christmas or when your significant other shames you into admitting what you were "doing" in the home office last night (for future reference, the correct answer is "working on the blog").

With the FBI alerted to the fact that there is another attack that will occur in DC, Bauer's taser-fun time will be cut short, even though he has 128 "pokes" left. At least he got to taser the phone for yelling at him before the room was stormed in.

Unfortunately for Bauer, MPAT was in the Oval Office with Senator Red Foreman who has a foot he wants to stick up Bauer's ass for being the founding-member of Team Torture.

"I don't care if his source is the Blessed Virgin Mary! It's wrong!" said Senator Red as he points to the tortured pile of goo that is his traitorous political aid. So the BVM doesn't count as a source? But what if she comes to you in a dream and tells you to save people by torture?

(Anyone else find it hilarious that after Bauer called Senator Red "weak" there was a commercial for the Army to be "strong"? At least, this was in the Boston market where audiences appreciate subconscious advertising messages).

After MPAT scolds the traitor like a 4-year-old ("What did you say?!?"), she charges him with Title 18, providing aid and comfort to the country's enemy. Comfort? Did Burnett give Juma a Snuggie too?

There's still hope for America, provided Agent Walker will just allow herself to accept the Bauer-side that's in her soul. It's the part of her that follows gut feelings and has no qualms jumping after a boat.

Unfortunately she has yet to acquire the Bauer gear, which would have allowed her cell phone to work after get wet (a pain I know all too well).

It's here where Wet Walker finds General Juma's plans for his attack that conveniently has a picture of the White House as the last page, just in case the Sangalans got confused as to which building they were going to hit. They are, after all, foreigners who just want to know what love is.
By employing scuba gear and an underwater drill (why can't that underwater technology be incorporated into a cell phone so that when you accidentilly wash it, it'll continue to work? I'm not bitter) Team Juma infiltrates the White House thanks to one of their own working on the inside (Remember their skillful small talk banter? No one suspects a weapon when you're talking about food).

With enough weapons for a small war (Less War on Drugs and more War on Banality), the Candyman (Tony Todd is good at playing crazy and scary) is on the prowl to lead his team into the White House with some killer dance moves and oversized overalls. Wait, that's something else.

Candyman and company is on the prowl for the president who, thanks to Old Man Buchanan initiating Operation Run Around, has distracted Team Juma long enough for MPAT to enter the safe room with Bauer.

Buchanan: He's into distractions, not torture.

With Buchanan taken into custody, the White House is now under the protection of the Secret Service, the men and women known for jumping in front of bullets rather than shooting them from a gun. They are also easily fooled by veiled threats.

To enter the lockdown room, Juma's men attempt to crack the entry code with technology. After Bauer sees this, he combats it by using his favorite inpromptu weapon: a lamp. He's used it before to shock people to tell the truth and this time he used it to short-circuit the keypad. You what else kills electronics? Water (stupid cell phone).

Because Juma's men don't have a plan B, he's forced to call Jon Voight, who's shoving Chinese food into his mouth while watching television. I'm fairly certain Voight isn't acting here. That's really what he's like.

He alerts Juma to the pressence of Olivia, the First (and only) Daughter who has been locked in a room with Aaron for at least two hours. And, in true Myspace Whore fashion, she has managed to alienate everyone that's gotten close to her.

Despite his best efforts, Aaron can't do much with the Myspace Whore, except drag her around as eye candy, which is one of the main skills of the social-networking entity. The other skill is taking up cyberspace. She also sucks at finding flashlights and relaying morse code, which gets her and Aaron caught and thrown in with the rest of the hostages.

Just before Juma is about to filet Olivia like a fish, MPAT comes out of the room and is slapped by the Candyman. He wasn't here to knock her boots after all.

Jack is confined to the hostages and remains the sole member of Team Torture. But the tides may be changing, especially since he's convinced his financial backers that Team Torture has to somehow be green now, even though the organization is dedicated to car explosions and firefights in the street.