Death of an Old Man and the Rise of a New Evil

24 Season 7 Episode 13
8 p.m. to 9 p.m.

Three words: Buchanan is dead.

Three other words: Bauer has feelings.

Jack Bauer cried tonight, which is usually only brought out of his system when someone close to him dies or he chops off someone's hand. What's more, it revealed to Hot Walker Bauer's warm gooey side which made her eye-fuck him even more.

But wait, this is supposed to be a eulogy and not about Walker's kinky sex life...

The great Old Man Buchanan conducted his last mission on 24: Operation steal-gun-and-shoot, a plan Bauer cooked up in the gym-class setting that was the Juma hostage situation. It even had Senator Red as the kid no one liked because of his tendency to morally object to everything.

Don't remember that kid? It was you.

Buchanan's actions saved the president, who was exercising her American right to humiliate herself on the internet in front of a Sangalan flag no one would ever see.

"He's embarrassing the president! Make this stop!"
"Dude, it's too late. It's on the internet. It's alive now and can't be stopped."

And it's not even that embarrassing. I still have yet to see something that surpasses this in the online cringe Olympics.

Maybe it was the thought of the countless Youtube videos mocking his president that caused Buchanan to act or maybe his ass fell asleep from sitting on the floor too long and he was afriad of farting and not knowing.

Or, perhaps, it was to give Bauer enough rage in the tank for another 11 hours, which begins with Bauer doing what he does best: running away from the law.

If you want someone to blame for the death of Buchanan, turn towards the VP, this season's slimeball who refused to authorize anything until he got a new status update from the President's facebook that didn't say "OMG Bauer just tasered some dude! 2 hours ago".

And he's getting updates from CNB, like a normal person? Maybe the reason the VP is so ticked off all the time is because he's the only guy in Washington who's not in the conspiracy.

Which is a shame because a conspiracy consisting of a drunken Jon Voight spending an evening in a massive office with bourbon (the official drink of shifty-eyed conspirators) and yelling about the "bitch" of a president sounds like my childhood experiences with my grandfather. And that guy was freakin' hilarious.

But not all senior citizens are created equal. While one plots a shadow government with a side of weapons and military targets, another is a condescending bastard who is constantly demanding to know "what is going on." Though when he finally realizes what is going on, all he can muster is a feeble "nonomaroff!" and immediately grab for his ass to make sure the morning combination of Ensure and Depends is working its magic.

Senator Red will probably leave the hostage situation even more pissed off because he was being shunned and because he witnessed Bauer execute Juma.

Oh yea, that.

The Candyman is gone, which is apparently keeping with this year's theme of introducing evildoers and then exiting them before they become too stale and ridiculous (Season 6, I'm looking in your general direction).

It was all an effort of misdirection to introduce the real enemy of the season, the dark lord pulling all the strings and leaving only despair and fear in its path: CLIMATE CHANGE Wohahahaha.

We're supposed to stop the clock on this whole Global Warming thing...maybe by shooting bullets into the air? No Buchanan proved that was a bad idea, especially indoors. Perhaps Bauer will make a snowman and then take a hair dryer to it as a punishment for snowing in March.

Till then, we'll have to settle for Bauer torturing political aides, provided the FBI allows the world to have a little fun.

"Bauer is a wildcard! There's no telling what he'll do!"

It's Larry again, being lame. Just like he was in the trailer for this season when everything was about a CIP device and an evil Tony Almedia (I have no idea what it's actually about now).

This leads to Hot Walker revealing the true essence of the show in a simple reply.

"You know, maybe if we just got out of his way, none of this would have happened."

I've certain I've heard this statement from some of my friends before, but when you hear it from Hot Walker, it just sounds better, the same way suicide bombings don't seem so bad on Naked News.

Larry's lameness is spreading around Washington, forcing many to just do the opposite of what he wants based on principle. You want to arrest Bauer and ride in the helicopter? Screw you and take a bike.

The order for torture comes from the president's chief of staff Ethan, who may or may not be evil and who has a beef with the bratty first daughter Olivia, who graduated from the Rovian school of politics with a major in Political positioning and a minor in lying. Her hobbies are flirting with guys who take bullets for her and making sure they are single by bringing up their past relationships (Martha is...still crazy?).

Thanks to Hot Walker betraying her boss and getting suspended, Bauer is allowed into the hospital to interrogate the political aide, armed with the idea of fear. The only problem is there's real fear lurking in the ceiling who looks like a regular dad but has the moral aptitude to snuff out a patient to cause a distraction.

The sequence, introduced by a drunken Voight with the simple statement of "Quinn is good. Bauer is good too," showed the skillful Quinn implementing an intricate plan that involved climbing, using a nonchalant stroll and gas. Smelly, drool-inducing gas.

Bauer didn't get to torture, which is like telling a married guy he can watch 4 hours of porn only to find the internet connection was ripped out. Expect some major blue balls for Bauer in the torture category that will most likely manifest itself by him torturing homeless bums for their bags of cans.

Which is appropriate, since Bauer is back in the street, where he belongs, trying to convince the FBI a random dude appeared from the ceiling and stabbed the political aide in the chest with glass. I think 24 would be even funnier if we didn't see Jack's point of view and just thought he was nuts.

This was all to frame Bauer, sending him rogue again where he'll most likely meet up with Tony in some alley and create CTU Homeless, which will be two guys roaming the streets in a van trying to make the world a better place by uncovering government conspiracies and recycling whenever they can.

Because if it's not the lead in the bullets that will get you, it'll be the plastic in your condoms.