No Trust for Old Men

24 Season 7 Episode 14
9 p.m. to 10 p.m.

A man is dead and Bauer is "At Large," which is a lot like going to the fast food restaurant, picking the worst thing on the menu and then asking them to deep fry it...again.

But this is when he thrives, when the adrenaline is coursing through his veins which allows Bauer to tap into that dark place we all have inside of us when we see a car with an unattended Mac book. We. Must. Have. It. Now.

This is the magic of being "At Large." Nothing fazes you and nothing is impossible. Elbow through the car window? Yes. Having a tender moment with Senator Red Foreman about regrets? Fine.

Emotions are everywhere and before you know it, you find yourself yelling at an old man and then running through a door.

You know what my biggest regret is? Spending too much time on the Pinewood Derby event in the Boy Scouts and not going after the bust-through-a-door merit badge. Once again, 24 has shown me just how much of my life I've wasted.

But at least Bauer is spending quality time with Senator Red and his useless home security system instead of with Jon Voight and his creepy old-man slumber party where people need "pajamas and toothbrushes" because "It's going to be a long night."

Pajamas and toothbrushes is corporate lingo for male rape. It's not torture if they like it. And since it's not torture, the White House can get behind it.

Which is probably the case since there is still this looming conspiracy headed up by Jon "My Name is Jonus" Voight, who I'm fairly certain is acting while under house arrest since he never seems to leave that room.

Like Walker's subconscious love for Bauer, the threat to the White House is real and, like most administrations, the White House is choosing to ignore the emerging possibility of a corporate scandal involving a company called Blackwater Starkwood that has a private army of Bauer clones at its disposal to "secure" anything that "gets in the way."

Instead, the White House does what it does best and declares victory after invading a small country half a world away. Why? Cause it's an "opportunity" to tell the world how awesome we are, just in case they didn't that postcard with Alec Baldwin playing "Masturbator" on the Wii.

While Bauer tries to find "the connection" to a complicated corporate investigation in a matter of minutes, Morris O'Brian is recruited by the FBI to crack some encrypted code from an email. Encrypted code that Janice couldn't crack.

Apparently her only real FBI talent is to release classified information as hallway gossip and to stare people down from across the room with a perpetual face like she just stepped into a shoe with poo and can't decide if actually likes the feel.

(hint: she likes it)

Here's my theory about Janice: she's a walking pile of vomit. And not the fun oh-I-got-drunk-last-night vomit. She's more the I-will-punish-you-for-combining-fried-dough-and-yogurt-in-your-belly variety.

Morris is compelled to help nab Bauer because of his fear of being a single father, especially since his only real parenting skill is telling someone else to "Make sure Preston gets Baboo before bedtime."

The Brit's actions spring Chloe from the FBI's musical-chair time-out room and places Hot Walker in there for being an accessory after the fact and for making Lame Larry look stupid. Which, given his hot streak of poor decisions and misguided instincts, isn't that hard to do.

He is smart enough to warn his team it was "impossible to overestimate Bauer," which I took to mean that if they're fighting Bauer and he turns into a fire-breathing dragon wielding a gun that shoots exploding hammers in their face, they should expect it.

If only they knew about Bauer's Achilles heel: trust.

The world has been made for a person like Bauer to exist and in a rare moment of reflection, Bauer lets his guard down and allows himself to think that maybe the political system that has crapped all over him in the past may be able to finally do some good.

But the endeavor to trust the government is as futile as the girl typing in "stomach fat" into Web MD looking for an answer. The government will never work and stomach fat happens because of your diet of Taco Bell and Krispy Kreme donuts.

The only thing Bauer really trusts are thin connections within a storyline to move along the plot, which has done wondrous things for him in the past.

Once the connection is made, and Senator Red is blasted away, the Bauer Dance of Rage begins with Quinn, which involves an elegant crash through a door, followed by misdirection into a trailer and capped with Bauer using a bulldozer to slam into said trailer. Why? Because it's hilarious.

Just like all of Bauer's dances, this one ends with a screwdriver to the heart with a little extra wood-to-the-chest for good measure. I also would have accepted rock-to-the-crotch and a Gary Busey-esque knifefight.

However, it may be nothing compared to what awaits Bauer with Voight's shipment of bioweapons, which are regular weapons infused with angry biotechnology that will make people sneeze and shit at the same time till they die.

It's called Colon-Blow and it barely passed its clinical trials, which makes them perfect as political teaching instruments that are fundamentally necessary for a country gone awry.

And the person to help Bauer fight these bioweapons? A former terrorist who has wasted the past two hours sitting at a cafe "monitoring the FBI's bandwidth," which is criminal speak for "I'm hitting on the waitress and I want her to think I'm cool."

Tony's back. And he's ready to state the obvious for the audience.