Bauer and the Way of the Monkey Fist

Everyone has a monkey full of rage inside of them

24 Season 8 Episode 8
2.15.10
11 p.m. to 12 a.m.

While the nighttime is the right time for love, it's also the right time for torture, stalking, falling into distrust with your partner, revealing to your father about your secret relationship and cutting carrots.

I know...who cuts carrots that close to midnight? Old men from Ukraine who Americanized their accent so much that you can't tell where they're from anymore. Or maybe he's really a stripclub owner from Jersey City who is trying to hide from the rift-raft who hole up in there.

That would be Kevin and his friend Rage Boy, whose secret power is yelling at (people) or into things (phones).

And what's Kevin's secret power? Getting ex-girlfriends to do stuff for him. Illegal stuff. That and sweet talk with phrases like "We got something good here" and "Things change."

Things do change, and once you say that to a woman, or your friend Rage Boy yells at her, she's likely to change into American Psycho who stalks her prey from the champagne room (there's no sex, but there's plenty of peeping Toms).

Why is Starbuck doing this?

Bubba Gump Hastings: "I don't know."

Well, where is Jack?

Bubba Gump Hastings: "I'm not sure at this time."

Have you seen a CTU drone that was actually useful?

Bubba Gump Hastings: "We have exhausted our workforce in an attempt to answer that question."

The Buba Gump subplot of stupidity is starting to run its course. Someone needs to give the man a shotgun and something to do. Or maybe something stronger since shotguns can't even break tables in a late-night NYC restaurant.

Just as Petrovich (I don't remember his last name) who decides to blase wine glasses instead of Jack when he discovers his prisoner has escaped. A table can sustain a shotgun blast? Really? And then that same table can be used as a weapon to knock out the guy shooting said shotgun. Really. O.M.F.G.

I can buy the Jack hanging from pipes and knocking people out with his monkey feet. I'll even buy that Chloe was quick-thinking enough to cover for Starbuck.

But a guy getting knocked out after being table'd by Jack? Unless that table was dripping with remnants of nuclear material and maybe had upside-down nails glued to it.

Jack's game of manhunt-for-a-viable-Sprint-cellphone (it has to be Sprint because that's the only service Bauer understands) again showed off his monkey attack skills. Apparently grandpa Jack has been hanging out at the senior center jungle gym to ensure he stays in shape.

Hassan should learn from Jack and start hitting the streets and manhunting the people plotting against him. That way he wouldn't have to feebly "forbid" people from messing with him. It never works. Inevitably someone comes storming in to tell you they are doing your chief security officer. If it's not a mutiny, it's something else.

And great idea Daughter Hassan. That's exactly the kind of news your dad needs to hear when he's an angry-as-fuck head of state with the power to enact his own version of the Patriot Act.

But worse than that is playing Sophie's Choice with your two sons and not expecting any real consequences.

So now the nuclear rods are free and in the wild, and ready to ram someone new up the ass on the way to the black market. Let's all hope it's Kevin and Rage Boy so we can kill two dumbasses with one nuclear stone.