Life with Vlad and Going Dark

How Jack relaxes as Mier

24 Season 8 Episode 6
9 p.m. to 10 p.m.
2.1.10

In this week's installment of Russian Soap Opera, which has been brought to you by the Human Resources department of Mother Russia, we find all the storylines that have enthralled audiences for years: shameful five-minute sex, drunken (and empty) apologies, makeshift medical treatment and special guest star Jack Bauer reprising his role as Meir, the bespectacled troublemaker who's always smoking Marlboro's and speaking in an American accent.

But let's not forget everyone's favorite subplot with Starbuck. Her ex-boyfriend has dropped in for a visit with a friend and his van with a yellow-mustard hood. Why? Because people with vans live by a different set of rules. I'd explain them, but you really have to be at a Denny's with a Lumberjack Slam in front of you (Technically, that's rule numero uno).

CTU apparently lives by a different set of rules as well, which don't include things like implementing "sexual harassment policies" and avoiding a "hostile environment."

Arlo: You always have my shoulder to cry on if you need it. You can also have Big Arlo downstairs, who's always ready and willing to serve at a moment's notice...I'm talking about my penis.

Starbuck: (stares intently and without the slightest hint of sarcasm or human emotion says) I'll remember that.

So wait, women like sexual harassment now? Or is everyone in the nation now completely enraptured with Mad Men?

Sadly, the Starbuck, or the female creepfest magnet, was nothing compared to Vlad and his vague notion of how relationships, and nuclear arms deals, should go.

According to Vlad's book of love, first you get drunk. Then you do what comes natural. In his case, it's being creepy and reneging on nuclear arms deals. Yes, scotch is just that strong.

Oh why is Renee showering before a deal with German Bauer? Because that's what crazy people do when the are a bomb about to go off. That and they have really bad BO (it comes with being crazy. The body can't help it).

Those who don't listen to Vlad get a taste of Drago. The English translation of this is to "roid out" and say things like "I must break you."

And you know what else crazy people do? They go "dark."

It's never good to do that. Eventually your dad finds our you've gone dark and send two thugs to kill everyone in their path until they get to you. Then they kill your Uranium-poisoned brother...in the very room he was supposed to die in the first place (dramatic pause).

There are other ways to go dark, such as rounding up assumed criminals from your country and holding them without any cause or legitimate evidence...waaaaaaaiiiit a second....

President Hasaan, who I noticed sports a healthy head of Elvis hair, is angry. Like throwing-stacks-of-paper-and-screaming angry, which is a special kind. I did the same thing when daughter Hasaan picked up her cell phone to take a car from Ridiculous Subplot 5.

The final way to go dark? It's at the counter at Kentucky Fried Chicken. Ask for the dark meat with extra sauce. Then close your eyes for the big surprise (warning: it comes with a side of diarrhea).

Soon we are treated to Bauer's CTU Drama Crew skills with his Harry Potter glasses, German tongue and that special tinge of insanity that is present in all nuclear arms dealers. Vlad wants no part of it (he only deals with human arms dealers) and plans to steal $5 million instead.

However, we get Freddie "Why won't anyone explain anything to me?" Prinze Jr snipering the double cross agents in Vlad's mob.

The result? Potter Bauer Meir is now pissed off and ready "to go to war" with Vlad if he does not comply. Judging from the glasses, I'm assuming going to war with Potter Bauer means it will be a seven-year operation against the same enemy for vague reasons. There will also be a bunch of old men who claim to be "wizards" who hang out with young children all day.

Either way, it's gonna get weird.