Death From Above

Without fail, whenever some says a drone has gone rogue or someone exclaims that they've lost control of a drone, my mind immediately conjures up the image of a plastic toy flying haphazardly in the wind and inevitably clonks some poor sap on the head.

In the world of 24, the drones may as well be that, since apparently it's impossible to shoot them down once we've lost control. Really? REALLY? You lost control of 6 drones, but there isn't one drone that's living off the grid that you can put back in the field? A drone that was decommissioned because of its surly attitude and penchant for watch tower flybys?

Where have all the maverick drones gone? Even Terminator sent back the old tech to attempt to kill the rogue robot. It's the first step you take when robots go bad. You go back to the old tech and hope for the best, the same way you pick up your Blackberry with your iPhone dies.

So now President's Heller's toy drones are all over Europe's yard and are headed to attack drone supporters in London. They may be robots, but they appreciate irony just the same. Empathy, as Blade Runner has taught us, is impossible.

This development has left the British Prime Minister less than pleased.

But fear not. We will be saved by code. The beautiful bits of phrases and commands that control all things internet and wired. The code will be proof that these robots are evil and should be trialed as an adult.

Wait. It's too late.

Brown Leader has taken control of 6 drones and will be releasing its payload into the deathstar London unless Heller gives himself up. Because he killed children with drones years ago. By accident. Also this worked as a plot point on Homeland.

He's really going to save us all. He has it planned out with his 9-fingered wife how they are going to survive since he used code for good to relay his location to the authorities and he's so smart because no one will find out and only he can pilot the...

Oh damn. The mom found out. And her son can apparently learn how to pilot stuff by just watching and playing Chuck Yeager's Advanced Flight Trainer video game. AND his wife is cold blooded. Brown Leader has made some bad life choices and will now die as all cowards do, on their knees as they get shot by their mother-in-law.

Somehow, that wasn't as awkward as Audrey's reunion with Jack where he tells her he killed a bunch of Russians and she allows her lady feelings to emerge. Why is this so awkward? Because in the span of their relationship they have both allegedly died and gone to China and lost their minds. Don't remember? Watch this lame video.

Speaking of feelings, I'm sick of Mark Boudreau expressing himself at all hours of the day. He also has the constant look of con-spair, which is a mixture of confusion and despair. It's the same feeling you get when you drink what you thought was a bloody mary only to realize it's just tomato juice in ice.

Con-spair is also the feeling Heller had when he realized the raid had the wrong coordinates and that Benjamin Bratt may have died. Even more con-spairing is that in 5 minutes he's going to forget who Benjamin Bratt was and will be forced to fake it.

So now the only option is to deploy Bauer once more into the field because these drones are out of fucking control and no one ever thought of developing a giant electronic drone swatter as a precaution. All Bauer needs is to find that forgotten drone who is most likely holed up in a dive bar on the edge of town sucking on a 56k modem and watching Flight of the Navigator. If anything, the government should create its own flying silver brain to combat drones. Either that or just sign up the drones for an online porn site and they'll be down every couple of hours or so.

Mommy Dearest Loves the Little Finger

Hey Girl. I ate your pinky.

Tonight it was all about communication. Some of it was done in a room designed for ample yelling with an accusatory tone. Some of it was done with a knife. The last time I screamed like that was every time I watched True Detective.

Per usual, no one really believes Jack except the alleged criminals and his groupies. He's somehow found a way to roam around the US Embassy thanks to a stolen jacket and is on the hunt for a keycard. Already, the jacket is emerging as the Jack Bauer invisibly cloak since it can mask a sidearm and the musk of a man found in a ditch in episode one. At some point, I'm expecting Jack to put the jacket over his head and just stand still as US Marines run by him with itchy trigger fingers. 

(Jack-et. He's in the word...I have kids and I'm tired)

"Jack Bauer has hostages. But don't worry, I'm taking notes for my I'm disappointed in you speech with Benjamin Bratt, so it's all good." - Chief of Staff Mark

The Hellers are back to talking about Bauer behind closed doors and wondering if he's actually right. Makes sense. He was right the 60 other times he got in touch, but this one could be the time he's WRONG. 

Also, the president is suffering from a condition that rhymes with "pals-mymer" so it's possible he forgot who Bauer was in the minute after he hung up the phone and just referred to his memory phrase cards and picked the "Tell the marines to go in when they are ready."  To be fair, that is the right phrase to use 70% of the time when you're president. 

Side observation: If you start pretending everyone is talking about the Amazon Drones, this immediately turns in to a comedy. Just sayin.

So again, Heller makes a shitty decision. The same time he decided to have that sushi taco in Mexico and now it's rotting his brain. Or the time he thought having a chief of staff with natural curly locks was a good idea. Nope on both accounts. 

Fortunately for Bauer, Lady Dexter believes him and is willing to climb through a ventilation shaft Shawshank Style because deep down inside, she knows her husband was innocent. They keep playing this up and it's annoying. I get it. She was blinded by love. Or maybe she was never wrong and her husband was set up. By Bratt.

The finger. Dude. DUDE. How in the hell is she going to do the "shocker" now? Don't know what that is? Don't look it up. At least at work. What? You did anyway? Sicko.

I get it. You don't really need the pinky finger. All you really need is a computer with decent RAM because at the end of the day, we all hate staring at the screen as a progress bar slowly updates you. 

Riding in Cars with Boys

I thought it was slow. I thought there was going to be a weird mother-daughter love triangle in the middle of the episode. I thought "Kate Morgan" would have been a decent alias for Hannah McKay.

I did NOT think a full-fledged protester riot would be Bauer's only way in. And BTW, with all the quick flashes to the protester signs, I would have expected to see an "Attack of the Drones" one. Shame on you 24 prop guys.

But to get to the riot, we had to endure endless conversations in cars about dead family members (MORRIS IS DEAD) , criminal histories and Catelyn Stark's new identity. You know you've been watching Thrones too much when you're expecting an incest subplot to pop up and being genuinely surprised when it doesn't.

The only thing that did pop up was Terrorist Boyfriend's inner piece and, thanks to the trusty 24 clock, we also know his piece was only half loaded. It was most likely tired from a day of worrying if he had picked the right girl to marry, despite her penchant for banging other guys all in the name of a "cause."

It seems this plot to take down President "I don't know where I am" Heller is based on a US drone killing a terrorist, which in turn sparked more terrorism through the dead man's wife. Yes. This sounds like a rejected plot from Homeland.

For some reason, I feel like at some point Tate Donovan's character is going to re-enact Weekend at Bernie's with the president. Maybe part of me just wants to see that movie again, while the other part of me just wants all of me to suffer through a horrible plot point. Like getting up in front of Parliament and acting surprised when people start yelling at you. Then again, you let your daughter bang your chief of staff, so smart life decisions probably went out with the memories.

Which brings us to Fairbanks, the fake name Bauer used to gain access to the American Embassy. Only it doesn't work. Apparently Fairbanks has been flagged as a troublemaker and will be denied access. That is until Bauer uses his gun-hiding dreamcoat and shoots enough legs in the crowd to warrant a riot.

For those keeping score, it's 2 shot legs for a riot. Had he shot 3, he would have incited looting. And though he's in riot-mode, Bauer still has the common sense to turn around when a hot blonde shouts "BAUER!". We may be 1 minute closer on the Doomsday clock, but in the end, even Bauer knows the importance of getting laid...and lasting more than a commercial break.

Game of Drones

You know why I picked this picture

24 Season 9 Episode 1 & 2
11:04 am - 1pm
5.5.14

In the world of Bauer, you either win or you end up in West London pretending to take a powernap on cardboard before the CIA man-rushes you with loud bangs and lights. Thus began 24, the show that left us four years ago with talk of a movie and a massive franchise in the works. 

Instead of that, we got Kiefter Sutherland in the ill-fated Touch and Homeland, which I took as an open apology for Season 3 of 24 (the one where the writers spent half the season screwing with us).

So I thought I was done. I was fine with The Bauer getting spammed comments throughout the years and even considered re-watching the entire series for the laughs. 

But then I saw the Superbowl Ad. And then in tonight's episode, everyone kept using the term "Special Activities" and I couldn't stay away. Apparently, neither could Jack.

For the past four years, he's been keeping a low profile, hanging out with tatted up dirty European electricians who will do anything you want at the touch of your embedded Life Alert device in your hand.

Things have changed. Bauer wears a hoodie now and is forced to coerce people to help him instead of asking because (welp) he has no friends. Life Alert is helpful, but it doesn't pour you a drink or provide a customary reach-around when you need it.

Chloe has changed too (same confused scowl-face though, despite the goth look) and is now a Freedom Hacktivist, which means she sets information free.  It's like that time your friend took your iPhone and made all your private Spotify playlists public, which exposed your love for Taylor Swift and the soundtrack to the film "Frozen." Sure, it's embarrassing, but in the end the public had to know. 

After four years, it seems the CIA has cornered Bauer and is hauling him in for questioning by the mysterious Special Activities division. With that vague of a name, I have to imagine they can engage in torture and endless games of Uno in the same day. 

At this point, we know what's going to happen. Jack puts on his constipated face and his vitals remain steady. Then the blonde from Dexter shows up and he experiences an erection emotion. Yes he wanted to get caught and before anyone knows what's going on, Life Alert shows up and starts firing shit through the road and dropping down $500 rescue ladders.

It's all for the good of the country who chose to mark Jack as a terrorist and elect a president with a "condition" that makes him forget facts and numbers. This "condition" could be Alzheimer's or Oldness. Either way, The President Heller plot is boring, aside from the "I remember how annoying Audrey was in Season 4" factor. #massive24nerd

The true danger is revealed later to be the cold, emotionless drones, flying above our heads ready to drop bombs or Amazon.com packages (only if you're an Optimus Prime member). Someone has found a way to hack 10 of them and that someone has a penchant for slutty girls with Russian accents. 

Nerds. I get it. Slutty girls with Russian accents are a fantastic fantasy. But seriously, get paid first and definitely don't leave the thing that's worth billions on the bathroom sink while you take a pee. Or knife to the brain you will get. (Seriously writers? A knife to the BRAIN?)

So who wants to control the drones? It's Catelyn Stark from Game of Thrones, who has a history of mothering cripples and imprisoning innocent men. Now her sights are set on moving the doomsday clock closer to, well, doom. She's starting by attacking confused old men yelling at the clouds above them. Heads and bombs will surely roll.