Game of Drones

You know why I picked this picture

24 Season 9 Episode 1 & 2
11:04 am - 1pm
5.5.14

In the world of Bauer, you either win or you end up in West London pretending to take a powernap on cardboard before the CIA man-rushes you with loud bangs and lights. Thus began 24, the show that left us four years ago with talk of a movie and a massive franchise in the works. 

Instead of that, we got Kiefter Sutherland in the ill-fated Touch and Homeland, which I took as an open apology for Season 3 of 24 (the one where the writers spent half the season screwing with us).

So I thought I was done. I was fine with The Bauer getting spammed comments throughout the years and even considered re-watching the entire series for the laughs. 

But then I saw the Superbowl Ad. And then in tonight's episode, everyone kept using the term "Special Activities" and I couldn't stay away. Apparently, neither could Jack.

For the past four years, he's been keeping a low profile, hanging out with tatted up dirty European electricians who will do anything you want at the touch of your embedded Life Alert device in your hand.

Things have changed. Bauer wears a hoodie now and is forced to coerce people to help him instead of asking because (welp) he has no friends. Life Alert is helpful, but it doesn't pour you a drink or provide a customary reach-around when you need it.

Chloe has changed too (same confused scowl-face though, despite the goth look) and is now a Freedom Hacktivist, which means she sets information free.  It's like that time your friend took your iPhone and made all your private Spotify playlists public, which exposed your love for Taylor Swift and the soundtrack to the film "Frozen." Sure, it's embarrassing, but in the end the public had to know. 

After four years, it seems the CIA has cornered Bauer and is hauling him in for questioning by the mysterious Special Activities division. With that vague of a name, I have to imagine they can engage in torture and endless games of Uno in the same day. 

At this point, we know what's going to happen. Jack puts on his constipated face and his vitals remain steady. Then the blonde from Dexter shows up and he experiences an erection emotion. Yes he wanted to get caught and before anyone knows what's going on, Life Alert shows up and starts firing shit through the road and dropping down $500 rescue ladders.

It's all for the good of the country who chose to mark Jack as a terrorist and elect a president with a "condition" that makes him forget facts and numbers. This "condition" could be Alzheimer's or Oldness. Either way, The President Heller plot is boring, aside from the "I remember how annoying Audrey was in Season 4" factor. #massive24nerd

The true danger is revealed later to be the cold, emotionless drones, flying above our heads ready to drop bombs or Amazon.com packages (only if you're an Optimus Prime member). Someone has found a way to hack 10 of them and that someone has a penchant for slutty girls with Russian accents. 

Nerds. I get it. Slutty girls with Russian accents are a fantastic fantasy. But seriously, get paid first and definitely don't leave the thing that's worth billions on the bathroom sink while you take a pee. Or knife to the brain you will get. (Seriously writers? A knife to the BRAIN?)

So who wants to control the drones? It's Catelyn Stark from Game of Thrones, who has a history of mothering cripples and imprisoning innocent men. Now her sights are set on moving the doomsday clock closer to, well, doom. She's starting by attacking confused old men yelling at the clouds above them. Heads and bombs will surely roll.