Grand Theft Bauer

24 Season 9 Episode 7
5 p.m. - 6 p.m.
6.9.14

"Her mother is sending a drone to kill her."

Few shows have the courage and the stomach for the ridiculous. Sure, other shows have vampires or incorporate lady prison feelings or mathematical dick jokes, but none have a man running around the streets of London dodging drones.

Forget the fact that all of this is based on desperate motherly rage, akin to a new mom trying to bargain with a toddler's desire to watch "Let it Go" for the 35th time that day. You want pain? Watch this a million times. Then imagine every woman in your life singing it off key. All the time. With unbridled joy.

But I digress.

When my mom wanted me to keep my mouth shut, she would simply lock me in my room or, in some extreme cases, employ the stern look that communicated the phrase "Try me" in my mind. Although if moms today want to torture their precious kids with drones, you can do that with a manned paper airplane.  C'mon scientists. We get that and no flying cars?

Maybe if flying cars existed, London would be able to pick itself up from this horrible day. Drones are now responsible for killing British soldiers, a hospital, a woman's arm in the crowd and a terrorist's husband. And the only man that can replace Margot's dead husband is a president who can't remember how Breaking Bad ended.

At least it's the late afternoon, which means bedtime is just around the corner once 7 p.m. hits. If anything, Margot is an evil genius by forcing a senior citizen to stay up past their late afternoon bedtime. Not that Heller even knows what time it is.

"I hate these people. They can justify anything."

I'm confused. Is this a Bauer monologue or is he talking to a mirror. Either way, whatever part of the brain that detects irony is now gone. After acting like a used car salesmen to Simon (lots of yelling, twisting her broken finger, walking away from a slumped body on the ground in an effort to get the sale), he saves her from the Mother Drone even though her pulse is fading and she no doubt has internal bleeding.

She's in good company at least since Benjamin Bratt lived out the dream of every American boss by sending his tech guy out in the field to get shot in the arm. That's what happens with the Wi-Fi doesn't work and the printer is broken. Just be glad you didn't bed a brown deserter or else you lose a finger.

I don't even want to get into the fact that Chloe's boss was revealed to be the mysterious voice on the other end of the phone, essentially pulling the strings. Yawn. Unless the dead traitor husband shows up alive, this plotline sucks. Oh and the Russians want Bauer too. Double yawn. Stop living in the past man. That was 4 years and a season ago.

But hijacking cars to trick drones? Yes. That's a plotline we can all get behind because deep down inside we all want to out maneuver the robotic drone sent to kill us all.