6.04.2014

On the Edge of Torture Porn


To be fair, when I look at Yvonne Strahovski I think of the word "drilling" too. Just not in a torturey kind of way.

Jack Bauer has moved on. He's done sharing mouth air with married women (it's the new way to have a covert affair) and is demanding the feisty blonde girl he met earlier to join him on adventures.

Even President Heller is on board. If Bauer lives through the day, he'll be in prison, so he may as well go out with a metaphorical bang that includes unmarked cars, untraceable cell phones and syringes filled with drugs. I'm willing to bet this plotline came from some real-life Kiefer stories.

The plan? Re-establish cover with a known terrorist and hope the dude is absolutely fanatical about online banking, but lacks the most recent Norton update on his computer. It's sound as a pound and nothing could go wrong.

Oh wait, Heller has ALZHEIMER'S? Finally the condition has a name. For a while I thought we were dancing around the fact that he was constipated or, worse, menstruating.

As the president is being painted as a loon, the British PM is busy starting at heat signatures and basing one lifeless body as evidence that Jack is turning against the US, thus summoning MI5.

Let me get this straight. We can find a dude who's technically off the grid in a car tunnel  through heat signatures, but we can't blast drones out of the sky? The best idea is to deploy airplanes with massive metal fly swatters in the hopes of finding the unmanned aircraft that is no doubt hiding in the clouds?


Cloud cover is important when a drone is heading direct to London to completely wipe out the rest of Brown Leader's family. The plot is becoming clear. The mom wasn't down with an interracial marriage. So every Brown must die. At least, every London Brown.

And let's send the emotional fragile daughter to do the mercy killing. Makes sense. She's lost a finger and her husband in the same day. If she loses her cell phone by dropping it in the toilet, she wins a free weekend at a napping hospital for the mentally broken.

That's nothing compared to the mental scars Jack's new girl partner will endure after her torture wake-up call. It was essentially 3 tortures in the span of as many minutes. Torture sure has changed. It used to be all about timing and questioning and there was a flow. You start with the fingernails, you start asking questions and THEN you go to the bucket of pee before the electrocution. Amateurs.

At least we still have computer viruses and moles, two 24 staples that is always a consistent "c'mon" moment that we all wait for. But I have to ask. If we have a goddamn drone that can send a rocket up a man's ass, why don't we have computers that can press Enter for you? Get on it Apple. Abolish the Enter key and just make it happen.

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