The Blood of Bauer is filled with Rage, Remorse and Weaponized Gas

24 Season 7 Episode 23-24
6 a.m. - 8 a.m.

There will be blood...in your bomb.

There is only one true threat to the nation and it lies within the throbbing angry veins of Bauer that can either be used for a bioweapon or as fighting juice. If Bauer feels tired, he drinks some from any of the inevitable cuts he has on his body and is good for another 24 hours.

The plan, according to Tony, is to extract the blood from a dying man as a last-ditch effort to create a bomb that will teach the nation a lesson. I'm not sure what that lesson is, but I'm sure, like this plan, it's probably something ridiculous like save the environment or something (what sound does your Hybrid make? I bet it's lame).

Bauer is viable as a weapon and the White House has no "actionable intelligence" as to why. It's probably because all of the administration's intel comes from random accusations and obsessed family members content on treating the country's highest office as a conduit for revenge.

Silly Taylors. If you want revenge, you go to the principal's office and get your enemy's child thrown in behavioral classes where they learn phrases like "Freeze!" and "Drop it!"

Thanks to Aaron's red-headed, one-armed meddling, as well as his lack of compassion for his new employer (he's probably pissed. people retire for a reason), Olivia is drowning in her sea of lies and blaming it on the fact that Hodges killed her brother.

Ugh. I hate the Taylors and I'm glad their OCD ways only gave them trips to the hospital and prison. As for Ethan, he only proves that my paranoia is well-grounded and that everyone should drive around in a Hyundai Genesis, the only car equipped to analyze evidence against your sworn enemy.

In fact, Ethan may be the only clear winner after today's events with the president saying "I need you" with that creepy my-husband-will-never-let-me-touch-him-again look.

Best line of the night: "I'm sorry honey" from Mama Prez as she sends her daughter to pound-me-in-the-ass prison in the same vocal tone as a mother apologizing for forgetting to pick up her kid after school.

Redheads like to meddle, as well as recycle tired plots from past 24 seasons, as evidenced by Kara's I-have-your-daughter-Jack-now-do-what-I-say plan. At this point, Jack's file should really come with a "If he picks his nose, he's been compromised" clause to let people know when he's under duress.

But then we wouldn't be privy to his bipolar tendencies of changing from an agent of good to a maniacal terrorist (real world example: Bauer narrating Bank of America ads to Bauer headbutting fashion people...though I still can't decide which one is more evil).

It doesn't matter. Jack flat-out yells about Tony's people keeping Kim captive (she's trapped inside of a laptop screen!) and is quickly dragged away into the terrorist car so that Tony can explain his "We can use his blood" plan because he has seen "the big picture" (is that code for seeing the medical procedure on the Discovery Channel?).

With Tony treating Jack like an American Buffalo (no part must go unused...except the loins. Those are Jack's to keep in the afterlife. It's only fair), Kim Bauer is being treated like the family dog, with all eyes watching her, hoping she won't shit herself in public (I'm talking about us, not the terrorist couple of Curly Smiles and Hobble Hair).

We've been in this territory before and know what Kim is capable of. A part of me expected her to be caught under the airport seats because of some loose clothing and then, in an epic cameo, Johnny Drama would show up to offer his assistance.

However Kim doesn't actually mess anything up. She tracks down Hobble Hair, gets a cop to actually aim at someone bad and grabs a laptop out of a burning car. The only tragedy from the entire situation is that Kim wasn't tackled by Hot Agent Walker to extinguish her arm of fire. When are we going to have good lesbians on 24?

BTW: two people get through airport security with a gun AND a knife? Is our airline security so awful that...oh they're both white? Nevermind.

Apparently the only thing airport security is good at is fleeing from the scene and spitting out the words "It was chaos...everywhere...streetlights...people."

They probably graduated from the same online university that trained doctors to administer a sedative and extract spinal chord fluid. Either that, or the weaponized blood allows Bauer to store paralyzing drugs in one area of his body while the rest of him seethes with rage.

Or maybe Bauer has made peace with his weaponized blood, which gives him the strength to subdue four terrorist doctors and escape to the sunlight where he...finds a garage with a cab in it? Whhhaaa....?

Right. I don't care about logic. Totally forgot.

Bauer is captured again, after failing to kill himself with a flare (deep down, the blood won't let him) and is brought into a room where Tony explains his really for reals reason for doing everything he's done today: sweet sexy revenge.

And not just any sort of revenge. It's revenge for his wife, his unborn son (Riiiight. While Michelle was preggers, she was ready to help fight terrorism in season 4) and every other lousy plot twist in the 24 franchise.

All of that, according to Tony, is the fault of one Alan Wilson. He was behind the Logan administration, the assassinating of President Palmer and he's probably the one who let the cougar loose in the woods to terrorize Kim. Yes, this guy is pure evil.

So the plan, which at this point must be based on the Wile E. Coyote cartoon he saw on his iPod Touch a couple of hours ago, is to strap Jack with a bomb that will detonate when Tony texts "FU" on his phone.

Why the human bomb? Because Alan "Evil Patient Zero" Wilson will get close enough to Bauer during Tony's meet-and-greet. It's partly Bauer's fault, after pleading to Tony to let him die in pieces. What? Oh, I guess I heard him wrong too.

But Tony does get close enough, thanks to the FBI showing up (Kim figured it out? The 24 world I grew up in is dead), and gives Wilson a righteous beating for the various 24 plots he was involved in (I have to believe the majority of those kicks were for season 6) while screaming "YOU KILLED MY SON!!"

Bauer ruins the moment by shooting Tony in the shoulder and then in the hand (which is especially cold since Jack knows it's Tony's masturbating hand).

With Alan "I'm innocent in the eyes of the law" Wilson in custody, Bauer is ready to die, but before he gets some rest (coma), he offers Hot Agent Walker some advice in the form of "Make choices you can live with" and "Don't say anything at all."

Walker takes the advice to heart and, upon seeing Wilson in a holding room, takes off her gun and badge, disables the monitoring system and handcuffs Janice. Why? To make her watch. Torture is so much dirtier when there's an audience.

Too bad for Janice. She just got validation from Chloe at the conclusion of their awkward Olympics, which is like the special Olympics, only no one cheers at the end.

Bauer returns to his pain cycle and calls upon the only Muslim he didn't physically torture in his life and, in the fleeting moments of consciousness, finds enough religion inside of him to forgive himself for everything he's ever done...which includes most of season 3.

The day ends with Bauer enjoying his Morphine-induced coma with Kim by his side, ready to offer up her stem cells in an experimental treatment because, like those of us who enjoy haphazard plots and wooden dialogue, she isn't ready to let him go yet.

Bauer doesn't usually apologize for anything, but when he does, he likes to make sure he's got the forgiveness of God and a healthy batch of stem cells by his side. Season 8 is upon us....stay thirsty my friends.

Neighborhood Watch and the Immense Stupidity of Kim Bauer

24 Season 7 Episode 22
5 a.m. to 6 a.m.

Uuuhhh...I get kidnapped now? Yes?

Tony is in charge and controlling every one's level of awareness, from the Muslim on the train to the random people at the airport who felt the need to look at the pretty blond girl in front of them through a laptop screen.

But what happens when people try to increase their awareness into an unauthorized level? People die...badly...while Tony...spits out...broken...dialogue...slowly.

Tony's speech is also how he gets people to do things for him since no one can really stand the sound of his sandpaper voice.

Jibraan armed with the desire to save his Puerto Rican-looking brother, is told to board the red line and take it to the final stop at Washington Square. Oh, and just to mess with him, Tony hung a "Save the World" poster in the train ticket booth.

In Jibraan's defense, those posters are pretty motivational, which is why 16-year-old girls are barred from having such things in case someone's college-aged brother gets the wrong idea.

However, no poster or PSA can save Jibraan, especially since now that terrorist blond has donned on a brunette wig with glasses, an image that is nonthreatening in society thanks to Tina Fey.

Train people don't care if an angry, hungover-looking Tina Fey shows up. But a Muslim in a jean jacket with a look of uncertainty? Then train people go on neighborhood watch and keep their belongings close. You never knew that happened? It's probably because you're being watched...by everyone (even Tony...but mostly by the suspicious train people who will turn you in to the commuter cops in a hot second).

Unfortunately, since the train people work alone, Bauer has no access to them and must rely on the only thing he knows how to do: inflict pain. And his favorite kind of pain? The one that's already there that only needs to be irritated with a harsh push.

In this case, it's a bunch of nerve clusters ripped to shreds from broken glass. Ah, the unbridled joy of torture is back in Bauer's life and with the FBI silently watching (and secretly cheering on), Senator Mayer must be shaking his head shamefully in hell. You question Bauer's methods during a congressional hearing, you go to hell.

As always, torture works and uncovers a secret emergency number for Tony, which sparks an encryption geek war back at CTU, which has created a strange universe where Chloe is the father figure and Janice is the unappreciated son looking for validation. As for everyone else, they're in the kitchen making Jello in the hopes that the geek war gets physical and sexy.

From the geek war of awkwardness, Tony's general location is found and sends Bauer to a certain neighborhood in D.C. where he has instructed himself to ram his car into anything suspicious, be it dark green mailbox, a McDonald's that runs out of Chicken McNuggets (I can actually smell them as I type) or various vans that come jetting out of streets.

There's one! And Tony's inside? Whhaaaa.....Oh wait. I stopped caring about logic and reason years ago with this show.

With the bomb set to go off in less than 15 minutes (anyone else happy the timing wasn't going to spill into the next episode?), Bauer is feeling frantic, tired and betrayed, allowing him to bring the pain on his former frienemy/friend/co-conspirator/drinking buddy/collateral damage/enemy.

But he doesn't shoot because they're just two dudes with nothing left to lose. Like the title? Good. CBS just hired a TV writer to come up with a new sitcom with that premise staring Charlie Sheen and his brother Emilio.

On the other side of town, Olivia Taylor is attempting to prevent a political bomb from exploding in her face thanks to her late-night murder-call and now has to be coaxed into a political coverup. I thought she got off on this type of stuff. OT, I don't know you at all.

And what do you mean they shot first and now demanding payment? Who did Taylor get mixed up with, real estate agents?

Besides, that's no way to make random friends. The best way is through an earpiece and telling your new friend to search a train for an abandoned bioweapon in a bag because when a person is in a crazy situation, he'll naturally listen to the voice booming into his head.

So with only about a minute left, Jibraan runs out of the station yelling "I Have Bomb!" in an effort to save the very train people who suspected him in the first place, which will only give them credence to their stereotypical accusations, even when they find out later they were wrong.

Bauer, who has run out of crafty ideas to save the world, reaches in and uses his season 3 move for the canister, only this time no teacher lunches were harmed in the process.

Now, according to Hot Agent Walker, Bauer can rest and live the last couple of hours of his life in peace. Until Kim shows up at the airport and does what she does best: the most idiotic thing in the world

Thanks to her misguided CTU training, she suspects the man staring at her as someone bad (he's working for the FBI and was ironically put there to keep her safe) and ends up walking toward the people working with Tony. The only thing missing from this scenario is an inbred mountain lion circling Kim in the woods of LA waiting to pounce, shattering and semblance of reality from the plot.

Tony's people, armed with homicidal tendencies and a well-positioned laptop, have taken (there's a movie called that about a father getting his daughter back from...heeeeeyyy I think I just got cross market'd) Kim, or at least taken the idea of taking Kim, in an effort to provoke Bauer to free Tony from FBI custody.

Unfortunately, this is bad for the FBI because when Bauer gets provoked, headbutts of rage start flying around in the name of honor, liberty and rebelling against the fashion elite.

Jack Bauer, headbutting the world for justice, so you don't have to.

Government cover-ups are hard, controlling the innocent is easy

24 Season 7 Episode 21
4 a.m. to 5 a.m.

Bauer, racially profiling you with one hand in his pocket.

CTU was up to its racial-profiling tricks again with Bauer checking every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse for a Muslim who may or may not have been a terrorist.

Another great CTU tradition was in effect as well, with Jack telling Chloe something personal and then growling at her to "Go back to work." Interestingly enough, he's already ordered that for his gravestone so when people visit him, they'll know the time they wasted would have been better spent racially profiling terrorists with the CTU servers of hate.

Too soon? Not for Bauer. He's already accepted his fate since his day has revolved around the seven stages of grief: shock ("Why did you call my daughter! That wasn't your call!"), denial ("Whatever you heard Renee, I didn't kill anyone!"), guilt ("I'm so sorry I got you in the middle of this"), anger ("Look at the picture?!?), depression ("I gave up on forgiving myself a long time ago") and acceptance ("There is no treatment. There is no cure. I stick things in my arm to feel better and play racial profiling games to improve my memory.")

And, as always, racial profiling proves that it works and this time was even sanctioned by the liberals (embodied in the pathetic gaze of the Janice). If Janice had her way, the FBI would have a six hour discussion on the best course of action, complete with pie charts and the collected works of Hank Williams playing in the background, only to read about what they should have done in next week's Time Magazine. And then bitch some more.

The servers turned up a 28-year-old Muslim man named Al-Zarian, who has a penchant for early breakfasts and acting like a terrorist when a gun is pointed at his brother's head. Actually, he's a little too good at playing the pissed-off Muslim role. Hmmm...

Everything is an effort to keep his brother safe (who DOES look Puerto Rican...are they even related?) and all Al-Zarian has to do is read a script from Evil Tony Almeida and pose for a home-made video.

We're starting to get more clues about the very bad things Tony did as a low-level criminal. Videotaping the Muslims...for shame Tony. For. Shame.

Though it may be a bad day for the brother of a would-be Muslim terrorist (who has yet to get breakfast by the way), it is perhaps worse for Chief of Leakage Olivia Taylor who is just as good at spilling the beans as she is at spreading her legs for unethical journalists in the mood to bump uglies late at night.

For $250,000 she can put away Jonas Hodges, the man she blames for the terrorists attacks, the murder of her brother and that time in the 6th grade when everyone laughed when she farted (whenever gas is used, Hodges is involved).

However, from her dramatic mouse scroll away from the "EXECUTE" button (what system allows double-meaning buttons on their system? It can't be Vista, unless that's Latin for suck and blow), we see Olivia does have a conscience and eventually rejects the payment to off the old man who is being set up with a new identity, torn away from his family and brought to a place where presumably no one will know his name.

If Hodges was a science teacher being crushed with a huge mortgage and in a loveless marriage, he'd be living the American dream.

But he's not. He's a powerful man who has built his name into someone who can smell attitude and throws files at closing doors.

Now he'll be Robert Tippit, an avid bowler who is affectionately called Beard Sauce by his friends because he likes to stroke his beard for the sauce that fell there while he was eating hot wings. He also likes exploding in cars.

Goodbye Hodges. I was going to post a picture of a surprised Jon Voight out of respect, but after googling "Hodges" I found this instead and was distracted for a good two minutes and forgot all about you. Then I found her MySpace page and remembered why I don't bother with my account on there anymore.

As for Olivia, she has found she's good at politically sabotaging herself as well and has the beginnings of a government cover-up on her hands. Do I care? Hardly.

How will Hodges face judgement in the next life? He'll be a beard covering the double chin of a female circus performer from Russia. That's right, Karma is ice cold.

Karma has also found a way to knock Jack down a couple of steps from the Grief scale by helping Chloe determine that the timestamps on the terrorist websites on Al-Zarian's computer were fake.

Rage ensues once more, with Bauer lamenting that he should have known an innocent man would be easier to control than an actual terrorist. Why? Because an innocent man is completely willing to buy into the terrorist health plan, which looks pretty attractive these days given the state of the current health care industry.

Bauer finds the staging area for Tony's Muslims Gone Wild video shoot, but is too late and can only witness a Puerto Rican-looking dude engaging in a personal jihad to some guy's throat.

The good news? Since learning that Bauer is on a suicide mission to save the world, America's 24-hour hero has finally received the respect and adoration of a Muslim leader.

The bad news? The attack is targeting a subway, which is probably meant to disrupt the morning commute in an effort to create an army of William Fosters, who will be a group of ordinary men at war with the everyday world (also known as journalists...Boston journalists to be exact).

The worse news? The war on climate change has a week off because of the absence of a 24 PSA on global warming.

Jack Bauer wants to believe in the resurrection of CTU

24 Season 7 Episode 20
3 a.m. to 4 a.m.


CTU is back, along with it's complicated, illegal-searching servers, to save the country with Big Brother tactics and racial profiling. Oh you have a problem with that Air America?

Janice: Talk about Big Brother

Finally, Garofalo has become relevant on the show as the liberal mouthpiece of the FBI, talking about freedom, the bill of rights and everything else Bob Marley wanted you to have. And it only took 20 hours.

The 24 producer's Bauer's response? GO WHINE SOMEWHERE ELSE! The only thing missing was a colonel's uniform and a speech about how no one has the courage to pick up a weapon and stand guard.

Despite being bombed and constantly infiltrated with moles and obese computer technicians (I'm gonna go ahead and throw the leftovers of my ham sandwich on the ground for Edgar Styles), CTU apparently did a better job at protecting America than people thought. However with Tony enacting the "I think one bomb is enough" plan, the country needs to fight crazy with crazy. Hence, the resurrection of CTU her sexy, know-it-all servers.

And, like most of the missions old-school CTU engaged in, Bauer opened the department up with his tried-and-true "I know you have lost friends and colleagues today, but we have to work" speech.

Tony, like a dog humping a stuffed animal, has an agenda and it involves an anonymous group of people willing to meet late at night to scheme how to wage war on the general public.

If I'd had to guess, I'd say this group is the National Association of Realtors, a group that probably spent countless encrypted 4 a.m. phone calls dreaming up terms like PMI (it's like rent only with PMS) and how to make sure a cloud of raining pee is perpetually showering a home's backyard the second you close on said house.

Someday, Realtors of America, the cloud of raining pee will be above your head, causing the housing market to crash, banks unable to give out loans and more people turning to apartments...

I'm not sure what Realtors would do with the canister, but I'm almost positive it would be to clear up some space for some low-priced, high-risk model homes situated near the ghetto. The draw? A built-in fireplace and Tony Almeida as a handy day worker who can replace shower curtains and give motivational speeches about taking terrorist opportunities when they present themselves.

Bauer: I made a terrible, terrible mistake. I wanted to believe.

Yes, we all wanted to believe that, deep down, illegal aliens are good. But the sad reality is that they're not. They're like Tony Almeida, a man who's ready to go the distance for one last terrorist attack. And the plan? To blame it on a real illegal alien who's doing right by the country he's visiting indefinitely by making breakfast in the middle of the night and watching the news...because that's not suspicious at all.

Jeez, Al-Zarian. You know why it's never a good day to be a Muslim? Cause you pull creepy shit like that. Listen to your brother and try to look as Puerto Rican as possible. The only thing they're suspicious of is being too awesome at dancing and baseball.

Unfortunately for Al-Zarian, he falls under the umbrella of enemy combatant, which is reserved for anyone who has killed Americans or who looks suspicious. That is, unless you're old, white and rich. In that case, you can do what you want and in the end, get a vacation from any sort of responsibility thanks to Witness Protection.

Jonas Hodges, who sucks at domestic and internal terrorism, is alive and screaming about protecting his family and suicide. Eventually, Bauer gives him the aural version of Twitter's beloved Fail Whale and tells the old man that he's "already dead" (which is a common tactic to confuse senior citizens into giving up vital information such as bank account numbers and where they hid their supply of vanilla wafers). In exchange for information, Hodges will get a proof of death certificate.

However when that doesn't work, Bauer places a fake late-night drunk dial to a Washington Post journalist because Hodges is old enough to remember when the print media mattered.

This tactic works, thanks to the combination seniors fear most: the press and not having their obituary in the paper.

If Hodges wasn't so out of touch, he would have realized that any journalist awake past midnight is either drunk or begging for sex and hardly working on a story.

And the one's who are working? They're getting screwed by the president's daughter, who has ceased to be the Chief of Staff and has become a crazed woman thirsty for revenge (or maybe just a hug from Aaron. The red-headed Secret Service stranger and cure all with his open arms, even if one is in a sling).

The only thing Olivia is good for is calling random men in at night. Her newest contact is apparently "too hardcore" for politics and may be the answer to her feelings of revenge when it comes to one Jonas Hodges.

As for Bauer, he's running on pure feelings of rage, which is emerging through his hatred for the liberal media, writing "terrifying reports" about his day and placing old friends into the enemy combatant pile. He's losing patience, the same way regular people stop caring about a cappella groups halfway through their song.

The worst part? He's apparently reverted back to Season 2 and thinks Palmer is still alive.

When the entire world lies, the truth will be locked in a man full of rage

24 Season 7 episode 19
2 a.m. to 3 a.m.



Everybody lies. Those who don't are stricken with a bioweapon or killed in a firefight, all because Tony "Climate Change is Real" Al-Queda (thank you to the "Anonymous" commenter from last week's post for that one) wants to sell off a little bit of dementia-causing gas for a shit load of money.

The payoff? He gets to keep his street cred and his badass jacket.

But his mission has come at a price and has claimed the life of Special Agent Larry Moss, along with Tony's love handles on the left side of his body.

Hot Agent Walker, who was gearing up for a 5 a.m. "talk" with the Moss, was informed she had been promoted, which allowed her to issue her first order: someone tell Moss' ex-wife and it can't be me.

Janice: "I'll do it" (looks up with sad dog eyes).

Yes, Janice is the obvious choice here especially since she's so good with people. At this point, did we really need Garofelo on the show? I keep waiting for her to do something and all she gives me is a "Why won't you save the environment?" sad face staring back at me. 24 could have hired a dog to do the same thing.

Moss' ex isn't the only one getting hit in the face with horrible news. Jonas has called his hot blond lawyer to help him out of a jam, only she gets hit in the face with a paralyzing spray and finds out she's being replaced by someone just as pretty who is taller. Ouch.

The lesson? If you're blond and you wear glasses, you're replaceable. Same goes for people who wear jackets that say "FBI" on the back of them.

"You've left us in a difficult position," says the blond to Jonas while he's behind bars. "In fact, you've put everyone in a difficult position."

(wait, I've seen this porno. And incidentally, it ends the same way with the old guy putting something in his mouth and then having a heart attack)

Apparently Jonus' hijinks were too crazy for the faceless "others" to handle, which has caused them to turn to their precious little "bright spot on a dreary day."

Tony, who's treating most of the FBI with the same respect the Navy SEALS has for Somali pirates (read: none), has somehow concocted an impromptu plan to get the bioweapon into the hands of the his buyers. I say impromptu because if they say Tony planned everything that happened today, I'm calling bullshit right now.

There's no way an undercover counter agent who was secretly a terrorist figured out how to manipulate Underground CTU, an African nation and the White House in one night. And if he did, this better have been plan 143 in a list of plans that started with the alphabet.

Bauer, who can't properly debrief himself yet still thinks he can be helpful in the field, follows Hot Agent Walker to the area where Tony's Special Forces Bad Guy is roaming around with a canister of evil.

Sure Bauer's sick, but even with him firing at 50 percent, he's still better than most of the FBI agents on the field combined, especially since they can't notice a blinking red light in an abandoned building in the dark that may have been making a slight "beep" sound.

They are also fooled easily by a distorted walkie, which allows them to believe Tony's inside man about finding the suspect in the apartment building, as well as the detachable finger trick, which just brings them shame a children's birthday parties.

It may be because the FBI isn't allowed to feel. Hot Agent Walker has turned robotic since word of the Moss death hit her and the Asian FBI again who said "Code Yellow" did it without irony. If only they held more Friday bowling nights to get to know each other better they could feel more human.

Walker: "Don't tell me what to feel or how to feel it." Fine. Be dead inside. Oh and now you want me to save the environment too? Psssft!

In what may be the greatest insult, Tony and his Special (Forces) Friend attempt to fool the FBI with its own blood and rub it all over themselves, partly for disguise and partly because human blood just feels good after it hardens on your clothes. I can't tell you how I know that.

The zombie disguise is good enough to get the friend to the ambulance with the package, but not before Bauer, a man who sufferers from debilitating dementia and who must take a shot of drugs to stop from shaking involuntarily, sees through the bloody faces to the lie.

Why is this? Because, unlike the FBI, Bauer feels emotion and his current mood is Angry Rageful Rage, which is only heightened by the fact that he's paralyzed by dementia and shock now that Tony has walked away with this anti-dementia-shake needles.

And, like most of us last week, Bauer will be pissed he wasted so much time trusting Tony and will want to exact his revenge, Cajun style...which is waterboarding, only people think they are drowning in Tobasco.

Jack Bauer is Confused, Sad and Creep'd Out

24 Season 7 Episode 18
1 a.m. to 2 a.m.

Evil Tony Almeida, taking a shit on your expectations.

After all the promises of a massive conspiracy where Jonas "I'm with the unremarkable genius" Hodges is a mere cog in a giant machine (which doesn't make sense btw), we find out that Tony is, in fact evil and was after the bioweapon all along.

Thanks 24. I just wasted approximately 15 hours watching all this "plot" just to get us back to where we were in January. For those who stopped watching then, here's what you need to know:

Larry Moss is a wuss, dead and had "history" with Hot Agent Walker

Jack Bauer has some sort of Africanized Dementia and, without stem cells, will be dead soon.

The president's daughter is a whore.

Sure, stuff happened in between now and then, but apparently Dubaku, a White House raid and occasional assertions of a government conspiracy was just the precursor to what we already knew: the Tony Almeida we knew is dead and all that is left is some bastard who waits till the final couple minutes of the game to intercept the football so he can run down the field and throw RP7 fuel on the other team's mascot as he lights it on fire with C4.

Oh, there's a good reason for Tony to have stayed in the shadows and bide his time? Did he change his mind when he found out Bauer had the advanced dementia and will used the small bioweapon canister to gas a doghouse? A mini cooper?

There's barely any left and now Tony has it. I'd say it would be for a trophy, had it not been for the snuffing of one Special Agent Larry Moss.

It's as if the show knew the second I started to turn pro-Moss that they would ax him out. Even Renee was coming around, especially after Larry had no problems with a raid on Starkwood. We should have known something was bound to happen. Larry has a problem with everything, even himself.

Which is why he and Renee were going to have "a talk" about "things," which mostly like meant sex or something awkward that happened during sex (fart, strange armpit odor, dead look in the eye, etc). Knowing what I knew about the late Larry Moss, it was most likely the latter and all three of the possibilities happening at once.

You know who else likes to talk? MPAT and her favorite discussions are about the futility of what people are trying to do in the world. Does that include trying to donate stem cells to an estranged father and reaching for things in a drain when you have short arms? Yes. Yes it does.

Bauer is in pain and now, thanks to Hot Agent Walker's meddling, he's in emotional pain because his spawn Kim Bauer has shown up with her luscious, life-saving stem cells that he refuses to take. Why? Because that's how estranged fathers roll. The second they start accepting free gifts, they turn into a deadbeat dad and end up on this show.

This was right after Jack "did the right thing" and told Tony to go off the grid on a secret mission to blow up bioweapons with little canisters of C4...all without being detected. Oh but he's been undetected for so long. Cause he's eeeeevvviiiil.

Without the missiles, Jonus Hodges has no collateral and no means of sitting with the president to present his 27 eight-by-ten color glossy pictures with circles and arrows, and a paragraph on the back of each one, explaining in triplicate why he and Starkwood should be the rulers of the universe with level 6 clearance (which gives knowledge of where the "good" cheese is hidden).

It was a fine sales pitch, one filled with intrigue, blackmail and condescending looks on the both sides of the table. And it would have worked out, had it not been for those damn CTU kids.

Confused? So is Jack Bauer. Pretty soon he'll be hallucinating and reenacting different moments from his life, only in current circumstances...oh wait, he's been doing that all along.

Bauer "feels" like he's losing part of himself and, according to the CDC, this new demonized version of dementia may cause him to bring out various personalities.

This week's inner Bauer was frightened turtle cry face. Don't get used to him. I'm sure pissed off raccoon will show up eventually, as will a possible second appearance of a sexual panda, especially with Larry out of the way (too soon?).

His death is being monitored by the White House "in real time" as well as by the CDC who has enacted its sacred "wait-and-see" technique for the disease.

But don't worry about the stolen bioweapon or the fact that Almeida has emerged as the new terrorist. CTU startup is back in play and has released an informative PSA to combat the evil in the world.

"We here at 24 care about being green and will fight global warming. But Jack can't do it all cause he has a lot on his plate. So you help now."

And cue creepy smile from Chloe...now. That's O'Brian. That face will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Jack Bauer Can't Die and the Power of Shame Sex

24 Season 7 Episode 17
12 a.m. to 1 a.m.


A domestic terrorist attack is brewing in Virginia, Jack Bauer has the shakes and the man seemingly in charge "can't find an opening" for justice or sex. And if Bauer dies, this blog ends up in an internet woodchipper.

Starkwood, who has spent most of its career pulling America's "tight" ass out of the fire, is set to penetrate various cities on the Eastern seaboard with missiles armed with the dementia-giving bioweapon. The silver lining? The missiles are from Pakistan, so there's a decent chance they'll just fly into the ocean or just give up and fall over.

The FBI had a chance, but fell for the empty warehouse trick, which led Jon Voight to show up and yell "Where are the WMBs? There's nothing here at all!" This...sounds familiar.

So, like any other old man who finds varmint on his property, Voight was prepared with a small army aiming weapons at the heads of the soldiers with the FBI, giving more proof that Voight, aka Hodges, is "out of control."

"Who does he think he is?!" yells MPAT. He's Jon Freak'n Voight and this is his way of arranging a sit down with the president.

Because the bioweapon has a hold of Jack, which causes him to shake and his eyes to pop out of his skull with fear, Tony is left to do the all the high-flying attacks and uttering "dammit" under his breath. He's a decent Bauer substitute and can be an army of fun at times. Though it's like watching the Golden Girls when you really just wanted to watch porn.

Like this gross sex tape I just found on Vimeo showing a journalist tending to one of his sources with shame sex, which is the only true way to actually communicate with a member of the press (I started Shame Sex Club at the weekly I used to work for).

Journalists are known to be drunken, immoral buffoons who constantly have to blackmail women to have sex with them (they've tried begging and it doesn't work). They are also slow on the uptake with technology (many of them are just discovering the internet now), which was clear from Ken's OMG-phones-can-take-video look.

Yes, Ken. But only Sprint phones. They are the only ones that can film sex, document bioweapons and allow you to video-mock the president of the United States. All on one charge.

So why do journalists engage in shame sex? It's better than crying into a bottle of whiskey or, for the recently unemployed, a can of Pabst.

The only thing the phones can't do is stop you from putting your foot in your mouth like when Tony told Jack he was "really exposed here" right before he broke into the WMD warehouse. Right Tony. You're exposed. Not the guy back at FBI headquarters who looks like his skin is about to turn inside out.

(Routine Rant about the FBI: Janice always says the things she's doing when she's doing it. "I'm loading the system now. Typing in the word. I just ate some crumbs on my keyboard. They were good.")

Though Tony has located the WMDs, Hodges is still claiming that it's a great day for Starkwood Actually, he's right. They finished their project on time, reduced costs by letting their board of directors go and have setup a one-on-one meeting with the president. Given this economy, that's a capitalistic victory, save for the impending war and the mutant population it will produce in the aftermath when the bioweapons are unleashed.

We are now in hour two of the Bauer Deathwatch and only NOW are we hearing about an experimental treatment that can use the healing power of stem cells? Did the CDC just google "bioweapon + stem cell" and come back with that?

And where would such stem cells come from? They must be extracted from a spawn and since Bauer either killed or frightened most of his family, that leaves only Kim "I only show up when dad has a bad day" Bauer. Oh you clicked on the link? You're welcome.

This is why Bauer can't die: he will be cured (and probably given super powers) and convince the nation to embrace stem cell research.

If history and Rocky IV have taught us anything, it's that the American people don't latch on to moving political speeches or scientific evidence. They react to an actor embodying a political issue on screen in the form of a boxing match or terrorism.

Rocky IV and Stallone's "If I can change" speech helped melt the hard feelings from the Cold War. Bauer springing to life and kicking more ass thanks to stem cells will convince the rest of the country that such research is a good thing. I'm calling it now. Oh, the side effect? A glowing Dr. Manhattan-style, blue penis. It's bright and here to make you uncomfortable forever.

So Bauer's diagnosis of "Will die in 24 hours" has been elevated to "Slight chance of living." Only he refuses to talk to Kim. Apparently Rocky IV can only melt certain Cold Wars.

Touch of Evil

24 Season 7 Episode 16
11 p.m. to 12 a.m.


Bauer has been exposed to a bad touch that can only be manufactured by American hands on African soil, the type of touch that gives you Alzheimer's disease and MS in 48 hours and ushers in what may look like the longest death scene in television history.

It's also the kind of touch that leaves a man naked and wet on the side of the road with his hands in the air as he gets sprayed down by protective CDC water (Secret: it's just Windex and does nothing).

Jack Bauer has been exposed...to a lot...and he has the scars to prove it.

"Oh that? It was there before. Grilling accident from '94....In Nam."

The scars of Bauer even got a reaction from the CDC, who aren't known for showing much emotion apart from their long faces and cold stares.

What they are known for is handing out pieces of paper that tells people they are positive for bioweapon/mad cow disease/gay monkey syndrome/exploding head phenomena.

Bauer is now branded with the touch of evil and forced to watch the US government and the FBI fuddle up the situation with Starkwood, a product of the country's capitalistic greed, military prowess and the madness of Jonus Hodges. He has a slower version of the virus called Alzheimer's.

Between yelling into the phone, uttering strange phrases at people (though this week failed to have a "eat your vegetables" or "put on your PJs" moment) and blank emotionless stares, Jonus Hodges is in control of Starkwood, a company with a private army that has enjoyed various military contracts and sympathetic legislation from the US.

And now Hodges has only two hours to make his gaseous bioweapon operational, which is also the same amount of time it takes him to rid his body of the natural gaseous fumes that occur when he forgets to drink his daily can of Ensure.

Which isn't much time, especially since the FBI finally knows what's going on (Bauer is a hero, bioweapons are bad) and Janice's information-compiling skills have presented itself. I was wrong. She is talented.

She's also really good at making sure that Webcam stays on top of that Dell laptop. Seriously, that's a marketable skill, especially in an economy where former office managers are cleaning up stains from off-duty janitors at strip clubs.

Another marketable skill? Dublicity, which can get you a job as a provisional chief of staff at the White House or as the right-hand man of a successful military corporation hell-bent on teaching the world a lesson in pain.

You know what doesn't take any talent at all? Calling the White House and explaining the "Imminent Homeland Threat" to the president. Larry Moss, I hate everything that you choose to be.

According to Moss, the enemy, as it turns out, is America and her penchant for getting in bed with 1,500 highly trained merceneries at once and without protection. Thier love child? A company called Starkwood that trains its employees to be angry patriots instilled with the knowledge that they are better than any American ever born. Ever.

"I wanted to stop. I should have called you guys months ago. I was just, uh, busy. Soooo about that immunity."

Greg, the corporate troll seated at the right hand of Jonus, duped Tony and the FBI into thinking they were going to find the self-made weapons of mass destruction with the Starkwood insigna (it's the finger). Instead, they found an empty warehouse and a shit-eating grin from Greg. The only thing that was missing was Greg raising his fist and knee in the classic power fart pose and letting one rip.

Unfortunately for Moss, his ragtag team of federal agents and Navy Seals won't be able to search the three-mile complex of Starkwood, a facility approved by lawmakers interested in enhancing their bank account and allowed to exist becuase MPAT didn't do anything "fast enough" to stop them.

It's probably because she chose to bond with her daughter that day instead of dealing with national security problems.

All Bauer can do is hang back with an infected, uncontagious body and watch the FBI get chewed to bits by merceneries who are motivated to fight thanks to a matching corporate 401K and bonuses from federal bailouts. And, as we've seen from the FBI waredrobe and their lack of Humvees, they haven't seen a decent bonus check in about 10 years.

Private Armies and the Corporations Who Love Them

24 Season 7 Episode 15
10 p.m. to 11 p.m.


The world is being threatened and from different angles, from bioweapons hidden in metal crates to political douches willing to spray manufactured lies all in the name of dirty sex with a broadcast journalist which, given this economy, will no doubt be filled with elements of shame and sadness (their medium is dying).

However, the biggest threat isn't coming from a White House conspiracy, a corporation with a private army or your uncle's bathroom after he's had two bowls of chili and a bran muffin. The greatest national threat to the country's freedom comes from a weak man with strong sperm.

Carl "I'm just a Port Cop"...Guy unknowingly engaged in terrorism all for some extra cash so that his twins wouldn't have to live with more natural food and less electronics (not poor).

Everyone knows about Carl's plight, thanks to his penchant for performing badly-worded monologues about his crappy life.

"My wife got pregnant. Natural thing in the world right? But it's gonna costs us an arm and a leg..."

Carl probably performed this monologue to the wall in a men's bathroom, allowing him to suddenly be pee pals with "the wrong guy" (AKA: the guy who pees with raised fists in the air as a sign of victory).

"Money troubles friend? How would you like to make five large...whoa! Get off your knees man, not like that."

A decision in the men's bathroom can change your life. For the better. Just ask Larry Craig or George Michael. They're famous now.

For Carl, his shitty monologue (which would have been better served in a horror or Lifetime Presents movie) brought him to the docks with Starkwood, the corporation who just wants to help with their army of drugged-up felons led by a guy who uses metaphors to confuse and creep out his staff.

"They're a bunch of 6-year-olds and need to eat their carrots." Is that because...they are being punished...for not bringing pajamas (the weird metaphor from the week before)? Or has Jonas Voight (I'm completely convinced Voight isn't acting and writing his own lines) been watching too many episodes of House.

And did anyone else want the cane-wielding doctor to show up at the hospital with the first gentlemen to pronounce "Wrong! You are dying! Now look at Cuddy's ass and tell me how awesome it is."

Yes, he's awake, alive and armed with the potential to bore. At least he's happy because his daughter is back at the White House douching all over the place.

"Give Olivia my love. And come over whenever. I'm not going anywhere...plotwise."

Olivia has been leaking since she got into the White House and now has a seat at the presidential table where she will no doubt douche it up all over the floor, table and linens. And with the presidential wet towel now resigning his post, Queen squirt will now have the run of the castle.

Ugh. I feel icky.

Larry probably feels the same way as his feeble brain is putting together the various clues by telling Hot Walker the random things he sees in the dead senator's office.

"Computer. Lamp. Chair. Gun. Paper. Wood. Glass...Tall lamp?"

Hot Walker eventually takes pity on Larry's incoherent blabber and reveals the Starkwood connection along with Jack's building rage.

Since the shooting at Senator Mayer, the Bauer Rage Gage has peaked at badger, one of the angriest of woodland creatures. If he hits pelican, we're all screwed.

Badger Level allows Bauer to infiltrate an area with a large gun and no real plan, the same way a badger creeps around a house in the hopes the wind will blow down a trashcan filled with food.

It also allows Bauer to recruit Carl to work for the Firefight Corporation, which has an army of 10 packed into the military duo of Bauer-Almeida.

Again, this is where Carl's life of mediocrity comes in handy as he tells his sad life of being a father of twins soon and forces Jack to "promise" to protect him. Jack's rage level subsides and lowers to Donkey, the animal of perpetual guilt.

Bauer's down with breaking bones and hearts, but not promises, especially the ones the come out of the mouths of ones made to witless men with no reason to live (though, I just realized we were Janice free tonight, so thanks Carl). (Bauer tortured me by throwing a lamp at my balls, hence the change).

With Carl, the Firefight Corporation is now two and a half men, ready to watch Starkwood and follow them with bioweapon in tow. Carl lives up to his intern status at Firefight, and quickly gets pulled into the inner circle and is eventually led off to the corner of the yard to be shot in the head.

Bauer guilt: rising.

After Bauer saves Carl's life by shooting Bad Guy #10 in the head, he and Tony play the who-can-say-firefight-more-in-one-minute game.

Almeida: Goddammit Jack! Now it's firefight time.

Bauer: Just be ready. We need a large enough firefight to get to the truck.

Almeida: There's 10 people there and it's gonna turn into a firefight.

Bauer: Can't you count? I just shot a dude in the freaking skull. There's only nine....firefight.

As the Firefight Corporation engage Starkwood Corporation (this is called a breakdown in negotiations in the business world), bullets fly hitting cars and chemical weapons. Bauer eventually leaves to Die-Hard the truck (jump and pull driver from) to grab the bioweapon. As he drives, he hums the Firefight Corporation theme song, written and performed by Jimmy Eat World.

While on the road, Bauer calls Larry to tell him about the bioweapon, his new ride and the fact that he left Tony behind. "Screw you" is the Firefight company motto, which is on lease from AIG.

Eventually, the bioweapon beeps and leads Bauer to discover the weapon is leaking its evil out into the world. So to save the random late-night commuters, Bauer holds his breath, turns the valve down and steps outside, just in time for Starkwood to show up with a helicopter to air-lift the weapon off the road the same way the giant claw game at the bowling alley picks the crappiest toy with the hole in it.

This leaves exposed Bauer to "sit tight" on the road as he waits for the CDC to show up to prod him arbitrarily or for the zombie gas to take over his body.

This week's 24 lesson? Never save anyone. Especially those named Carl.

No Trust for Old Men

24 Season 7 Episode 14
9 p.m. to 10 p.m.

A man is dead and Bauer is "At Large," which is a lot like going to the fast food restaurant, picking the worst thing on the menu and then asking them to deep fry it...again.

But this is when he thrives, when the adrenaline is coursing through his veins which allows Bauer to tap into that dark place we all have inside of us when we see a car with an unattended Mac book. We. Must. Have. It. Now.

This is the magic of being "At Large." Nothing fazes you and nothing is impossible. Elbow through the car window? Yes. Having a tender moment with Senator Red Foreman about regrets? Fine.

Emotions are everywhere and before you know it, you find yourself yelling at an old man and then running through a door.

You know what my biggest regret is? Spending too much time on the Pinewood Derby event in the Boy Scouts and not going after the bust-through-a-door merit badge. Once again, 24 has shown me just how much of my life I've wasted.

But at least Bauer is spending quality time with Senator Red and his useless home security system instead of with Jon Voight and his creepy old-man slumber party where people need "pajamas and toothbrushes" because "It's going to be a long night."

Pajamas and toothbrushes is corporate lingo for male rape. It's not torture if they like it. And since it's not torture, the White House can get behind it.

Which is probably the case since there is still this looming conspiracy headed up by Jon "My Name is Jonus" Voight, who I'm fairly certain is acting while under house arrest since he never seems to leave that room.

Like Walker's subconscious love for Bauer, the threat to the White House is real and, like most administrations, the White House is choosing to ignore the emerging possibility of a corporate scandal involving a company called Blackwater Starkwood that has a private army of Bauer clones at its disposal to "secure" anything that "gets in the way."

Instead, the White House does what it does best and declares victory after invading a small country half a world away. Why? Cause it's an "opportunity" to tell the world how awesome we are, just in case they didn't that postcard with Alec Baldwin playing "Masturbator" on the Wii.

While Bauer tries to find "the connection" to a complicated corporate investigation in a matter of minutes, Morris O'Brian is recruited by the FBI to crack some encrypted code from an email. Encrypted code that Janice couldn't crack.

Apparently her only real FBI talent is to release classified information as hallway gossip and to stare people down from across the room with a perpetual face like she just stepped into a shoe with poo and can't decide if actually likes the feel.

(hint: she likes it)

Here's my theory about Janice: she's a walking pile of vomit. And not the fun oh-I-got-drunk-last-night vomit. She's more the I-will-punish-you-for-combining-fried-dough-and-yogurt-in-your-belly variety.

Morris is compelled to help nab Bauer because of his fear of being a single father, especially since his only real parenting skill is telling someone else to "Make sure Preston gets Baboo before bedtime."

The Brit's actions spring Chloe from the FBI's musical-chair time-out room and places Hot Walker in there for being an accessory after the fact and for making Lame Larry look stupid. Which, given his hot streak of poor decisions and misguided instincts, isn't that hard to do.

He is smart enough to warn his team it was "impossible to overestimate Bauer," which I took to mean that if they're fighting Bauer and he turns into a fire-breathing dragon wielding a gun that shoots exploding hammers in their face, they should expect it.

If only they knew about Bauer's Achilles heel: trust.

The world has been made for a person like Bauer to exist and in a rare moment of reflection, Bauer lets his guard down and allows himself to think that maybe the political system that has crapped all over him in the past may be able to finally do some good.

But the endeavor to trust the government is as futile as the girl typing in "stomach fat" into Web MD looking for an answer. The government will never work and stomach fat happens because of your diet of Taco Bell and Krispy Kreme donuts.

The only thing Bauer really trusts are thin connections within a storyline to move along the plot, which has done wondrous things for him in the past.

Once the connection is made, and Senator Red is blasted away, the Bauer Dance of Rage begins with Quinn, which involves an elegant crash through a door, followed by misdirection into a trailer and capped with Bauer using a bulldozer to slam into said trailer. Why? Because it's hilarious.

Just like all of Bauer's dances, this one ends with a screwdriver to the heart with a little extra wood-to-the-chest for good measure. I also would have accepted rock-to-the-crotch and a Gary Busey-esque knifefight.

However, it may be nothing compared to what awaits Bauer with Voight's shipment of bioweapons, which are regular weapons infused with angry biotechnology that will make people sneeze and shit at the same time till they die.

It's called Colon-Blow and it barely passed its clinical trials, which makes them perfect as political teaching instruments that are fundamentally necessary for a country gone awry.

And the person to help Bauer fight these bioweapons? A former terrorist who has wasted the past two hours sitting at a cafe "monitoring the FBI's bandwidth," which is criminal speak for "I'm hitting on the waitress and I want her to think I'm cool."

Tony's back. And he's ready to state the obvious for the audience.

Death of an Old Man and the Rise of a New Evil

24 Season 7 Episode 13
8 p.m. to 9 p.m.

Three words: Buchanan is dead.

Three other words: Bauer has feelings.

Jack Bauer cried tonight, which is usually only brought out of his system when someone close to him dies or he chops off someone's hand. What's more, it revealed to Hot Walker Bauer's warm gooey side which made her eye-fuck him even more.

But wait, this is supposed to be a eulogy and not about Walker's kinky sex life...

The great Old Man Buchanan conducted his last mission on 24: Operation steal-gun-and-shoot, a plan Bauer cooked up in the gym-class setting that was the Juma hostage situation. It even had Senator Red as the kid no one liked because of his tendency to morally object to everything.

Don't remember that kid? It was you.

Buchanan's actions saved the president, who was exercising her American right to humiliate herself on the internet in front of a Sangalan flag no one would ever see.

"He's embarrassing the president! Make this stop!"
"Dude, it's too late. It's on the internet. It's alive now and can't be stopped."

And it's not even that embarrassing. I still have yet to see something that surpasses this in the online cringe Olympics.

Maybe it was the thought of the countless Youtube videos mocking his president that caused Buchanan to act or maybe his ass fell asleep from sitting on the floor too long and he was afriad of farting and not knowing.

Or, perhaps, it was to give Bauer enough rage in the tank for another 11 hours, which begins with Bauer doing what he does best: running away from the law.

If you want someone to blame for the death of Buchanan, turn towards the VP, this season's slimeball who refused to authorize anything until he got a new status update from the President's facebook that didn't say "OMG Bauer just tasered some dude! 2 hours ago".

And he's getting updates from CNB, like a normal person? Maybe the reason the VP is so ticked off all the time is because he's the only guy in Washington who's not in the conspiracy.

Which is a shame because a conspiracy consisting of a drunken Jon Voight spending an evening in a massive office with bourbon (the official drink of shifty-eyed conspirators) and yelling about the "bitch" of a president sounds like my childhood experiences with my grandfather. And that guy was freakin' hilarious.

But not all senior citizens are created equal. While one plots a shadow government with a side of weapons and military targets, another is a condescending bastard who is constantly demanding to know "what is going on." Though when he finally realizes what is going on, all he can muster is a feeble "nonomaroff!" and immediately grab for his ass to make sure the morning combination of Ensure and Depends is working its magic.

Senator Red will probably leave the hostage situation even more pissed off because he was being shunned and because he witnessed Bauer execute Juma.

Oh yea, that.

The Candyman is gone, which is apparently keeping with this year's theme of introducing evildoers and then exiting them before they become too stale and ridiculous (Season 6, I'm looking in your general direction).

It was all an effort of misdirection to introduce the real enemy of the season, the dark lord pulling all the strings and leaving only despair and fear in its path: CLIMATE CHANGE Wohahahaha.

We're supposed to stop the clock on this whole Global Warming thing...maybe by shooting bullets into the air? No Buchanan proved that was a bad idea, especially indoors. Perhaps Bauer will make a snowman and then take a hair dryer to it as a punishment for snowing in March.

Till then, we'll have to settle for Bauer torturing political aides, provided the FBI allows the world to have a little fun.

"Bauer is a wildcard! There's no telling what he'll do!"

It's Larry again, being lame. Just like he was in the trailer for this season when everything was about a CIP device and an evil Tony Almedia (I have no idea what it's actually about now).

This leads to Hot Walker revealing the true essence of the show in a simple reply.

"You know, maybe if we just got out of his way, none of this would have happened."

I've certain I've heard this statement from some of my friends before, but when you hear it from Hot Walker, it just sounds better, the same way suicide bombings don't seem so bad on Naked News.

Larry's lameness is spreading around Washington, forcing many to just do the opposite of what he wants based on principle. You want to arrest Bauer and ride in the helicopter? Screw you and take a bike.

The order for torture comes from the president's chief of staff Ethan, who may or may not be evil and who has a beef with the bratty first daughter Olivia, who graduated from the Rovian school of politics with a major in Political positioning and a minor in lying. Her hobbies are flirting with guys who take bullets for her and making sure they are single by bringing up their past relationships (Martha is...still crazy?).

Thanks to Hot Walker betraying her boss and getting suspended, Bauer is allowed into the hospital to interrogate the political aide, armed with the idea of fear. The only problem is there's real fear lurking in the ceiling who looks like a regular dad but has the moral aptitude to snuff out a patient to cause a distraction.

The sequence, introduced by a drunken Voight with the simple statement of "Quinn is good. Bauer is good too," showed the skillful Quinn implementing an intricate plan that involved climbing, using a nonchalant stroll and gas. Smelly, drool-inducing gas.

Bauer didn't get to torture, which is like telling a married guy he can watch 4 hours of porn only to find the internet connection was ripped out. Expect some major blue balls for Bauer in the torture category that will most likely manifest itself by him torturing homeless bums for their bags of cans.

Which is appropriate, since Bauer is back in the street, where he belongs, trying to convince the FBI a random dude appeared from the ceiling and stabbed the political aide in the chest with glass. I think 24 would be even funnier if we didn't see Jack's point of view and just thought he was nuts.

This was all to frame Bauer, sending him rogue again where he'll most likely meet up with Tony in some alley and create CTU Homeless, which will be two guys roaming the streets in a van trying to make the world a better place by uncovering government conspiracies and recycling whenever they can.

Because if it's not the lead in the bullets that will get you, it'll be the plastic in your condoms.

The Candyman is on the Prowl

24 Season 7, Episodes 11 & 12
6 p.m. to 8 p.m.

General Juma, in his Coming to America garb.

Juma's team has infiltrated America and done so with the greatest of ease thanks to young men with non-threatening faces who are skilled at the art of small talk. They were so ingrained in our culture that white people were inviting them to weekend parties that were serving Chinese food. Add a drunk donkey in the backyard and it doesn't get any more American than that.

They've been hiding in the background of society, doing menial jobs and getting by with plastic ID tags that are apparently legit enough to fool FBI agents standing guard in hospitals.

"Picture match face? You go now."

This is all to lay the groundwork for General Juma's Coming to America party, only instead of searching for a queen (which was apparently Dubaku's side mission) he's here to conduct a good ol' fashion home invasion against the White House, "the high value, high impact" target.

No one could have figured out that the White House was the high value target? Did anyone even try to guess the Lincoln Memorial? Or maybe it was hard to ignore the draw of the National Building Museum, a place dedicated to, of all things, buildings.

MPAT: "Juma's HERE? In DC? He is guilty of crimes against humanity and must be caught!"

His crimes? Genocide and securing funding for enough Olive Garden commercials to last a century. Juma knows where to hit you where it hurts the most: your heart and your pop-culture soul.

But in order to get to the White House Juma needed help, which came in the form of one Ryan Burnett, politico tool for hire who happens to work for Senator Mayer, Red from That 70's Show, and who has watched the Don't Tase Me Bro video enough times to know how to take a hit of electricity.

Thanks to some vague information from Tony in the form of "Dude, um, someone told me something is gonna happen. Here. Like soon" Jack is ready to go balls to the wall with his constant nemesis: sanity.

In five minutes, the two rogue former CTU agents hatch a plan:

-Enter White House.
-Steal Taser.
-Torture Burnett with a combination of taser-ing, medical explanations about what electricity does to the body and counting down the tases from 128.
-Use word "paralysis" as a last resort
-Get arrested

Plan B involves the tried and true offer of immunity from the president.

And because the plan falls into the N category for "Nuts," Bauer subdues Old Man Buchanan with the Brokeback Mountain "It's alright. Don't fight it" hold.

This is how Bauer protects, by rendering you incapacitated and unaware of his antics. It's also how he gets free Happy Meals on the weekend.

As always, he's getting help from Chloe, who has the master list of all the people Dubaku had contact with in Washington. I have a similar list locked away that has the names of the people who farted in or on my car. You know who you are (dad's on there twice for two separate infractions).

However, she's getting hounded by her nemesis, Cryface, who initiated the Awkward IT War with a preemptive strike by monitoring Scowlface's calls and online activity. When she intercepts a cell phone call from Jack to Chloe, Janice turns Scowlface in to Lame Larry and goes on a rant about the alleged "wiz bang" computer geek.

And a word about the beautiful, worlds-colliding awkwardness in Chloe-Janice exchange of computer phrases: awesome. It was uncomfortable with a side of the same tension you get from watching your parents fight on Christmas or when your significant other shames you into admitting what you were "doing" in the home office last night (for future reference, the correct answer is "working on the blog").

With the FBI alerted to the fact that there is another attack that will occur in DC, Bauer's taser-fun time will be cut short, even though he has 128 "pokes" left. At least he got to taser the phone for yelling at him before the room was stormed in.

Unfortunately for Bauer, MPAT was in the Oval Office with Senator Red Foreman who has a foot he wants to stick up Bauer's ass for being the founding-member of Team Torture.

"I don't care if his source is the Blessed Virgin Mary! It's wrong!" said Senator Red as he points to the tortured pile of goo that is his traitorous political aid. So the BVM doesn't count as a source? But what if she comes to you in a dream and tells you to save people by torture?

(Anyone else find it hilarious that after Bauer called Senator Red "weak" there was a commercial for the Army to be "strong"? At least, this was in the Boston market where audiences appreciate subconscious advertising messages).

After MPAT scolds the traitor like a 4-year-old ("What did you say?!?"), she charges him with Title 18, providing aid and comfort to the country's enemy. Comfort? Did Burnett give Juma a Snuggie too?

There's still hope for America, provided Agent Walker will just allow herself to accept the Bauer-side that's in her soul. It's the part of her that follows gut feelings and has no qualms jumping after a boat.

Unfortunately she has yet to acquire the Bauer gear, which would have allowed her cell phone to work after get wet (a pain I know all too well).

It's here where Wet Walker finds General Juma's plans for his attack that conveniently has a picture of the White House as the last page, just in case the Sangalans got confused as to which building they were going to hit. They are, after all, foreigners who just want to know what love is.
By employing scuba gear and an underwater drill (why can't that underwater technology be incorporated into a cell phone so that when you accidentilly wash it, it'll continue to work? I'm not bitter) Team Juma infiltrates the White House thanks to one of their own working on the inside (Remember their skillful small talk banter? No one suspects a weapon when you're talking about food).

With enough weapons for a small war (Less War on Drugs and more War on Banality), the Candyman (Tony Todd is good at playing crazy and scary) is on the prowl to lead his team into the White House with some killer dance moves and oversized overalls. Wait, that's something else.

Candyman and company is on the prowl for the president who, thanks to Old Man Buchanan initiating Operation Run Around, has distracted Team Juma long enough for MPAT to enter the safe room with Bauer.

Buchanan: He's into distractions, not torture.

With Buchanan taken into custody, the White House is now under the protection of the Secret Service, the men and women known for jumping in front of bullets rather than shooting them from a gun. They are also easily fooled by veiled threats.

To enter the lockdown room, Juma's men attempt to crack the entry code with technology. After Bauer sees this, he combats it by using his favorite inpromptu weapon: a lamp. He's used it before to shock people to tell the truth and this time he used it to short-circuit the keypad. You what else kills electronics? Water (stupid cell phone).

Because Juma's men don't have a plan B, he's forced to call Jon Voight, who's shoving Chinese food into his mouth while watching television. I'm fairly certain Voight isn't acting here. That's really what he's like.

He alerts Juma to the pressence of Olivia, the First (and only) Daughter who has been locked in a room with Aaron for at least two hours. And, in true Myspace Whore fashion, she has managed to alienate everyone that's gotten close to her.

Despite his best efforts, Aaron can't do much with the Myspace Whore, except drag her around as eye candy, which is one of the main skills of the social-networking entity. The other skill is taking up cyberspace. She also sucks at finding flashlights and relaying morse code, which gets her and Aaron caught and thrown in with the rest of the hostages.

Just before Juma is about to filet Olivia like a fish, MPAT comes out of the room and is slapped by the Candyman. He wasn't here to knock her boots after all.

Jack is confined to the hostages and remains the sole member of Team Torture. But the tides may be changing, especially since he's convinced his financial backers that Team Torture has to somehow be green now, even though the organization is dedicated to car explosions and firefights in the street.

Dead Like Bauer

24 Season 7, Episode 10
5 p.m. to 6 p.m.

Bauer is behind the tree, waiting to watch you cry.

Jack Bauer is dead inside. He doesn't cry and if you want him to save someone from fire, you better be ready to shoot him in the nuts or pinch his nipples because the only language he understands is pain.

So when Emo Walker (once she starts self-medicating with NyQuil and cutting, the transformation will be complete) is confronted with a hysterical wheelchair-bound woman screeching "You KILLED MY SISTER!" Bauer's only reaction is to relay the "good" news of the day.

"Do you feel that?! How about that? And thhaa..."

Bauer doesn't have feelings nor does he understand the music genre called "emo." He won't even throw change on the ground the next time he sees wheelchair-bound Rosa panhandling on the street with a cardboard sign that reads "The government killed my sister!"

Instead, Jack will just grab the sign, take his mini-Sharpie out, write "Live with it" and then set the sign on fire.

The second you let emotions in, they make you stupid and horny, which incidentally are the nicknames for Team Mole in the FBI where Sean, who is part of the vast conspiracy, attempted to aid Dubaku's efforts by recruiting the dumbest and most unstable employee to literally be his partner in crime.

"I'm sick of your promises! Everything will be ok, you're gonna leave your wife, I'll get to wear your special Dubaku decoder ring!"

There's only one reason to jump into bed with the crazy girl. It's shame. Interestingly enough, that's also what makes the sex so spectacular.

Somehow Erica's unstable mind has found a way to understand servers, which proves the FBI hiring practices are the same as they were at CTU (if you can walk aimlessly down halls, you can work for the government).

She is here to help Sean wipe out a memory device found IN Dubaku, which in turn was a plotline found IN season 2. Apparently during the writer's strike, the 24 scribes passed the time watching past seasons for ideas.

This device was Dubaku's insurance policy and contained a list of all the government officials he worked with. And it was inside of him, under his ribcage and next to the undigested McRib from 1993.

To get it, Bauer crashed the generic Washington DC festival (which was celebrating red banners) and drove like a senior citizen as he barreled through a park, aiming his vehicle at picnickers and rabid squirrels, things my Grandfather used to call "Park Terrorists" because squirrels stole his nuts and people who brought their food in a basket thought they were better than everyone else ("With their goddamn fancy cheese" he would say).

After ripping out Dubaku's insurance policy, along with the spare change and gum next to his liver, Bauer hands over the bloody device to a guy with a helicopter and orders him to bring it to the FBI. He also gives him a takeout order for Del Taco, the only place in the world a person can get Taco and Fries.

Bauer would rather yell at Dubaku when he wakes up at the hospital (it's hard to yell at technology, at least for information). Till then, Dubaku will be tortured with our health care system through a combination of Superman Band-Aids and medical instruments made out of discolored Legos. It's not that the doctors are dumb, it's just that all the devices come from Sangala.

However, if you're the First Gentlemen, who has a penchant for unfounded conspiracies and Suduku puzzles, you're given the best care in the country, which comes with a personal national guard and slightly more hope from the medical staff (they come in with candy instead of solemn expressions).

MPAT, who has been in the waiting room allowing the guilt to crush her slowly, blames herself for not believing her husband. Ethan, the Sancho to MPAT's Don Quixote, blames himself too.

"I should have known too. We're porn pals."

The president is called back to the White House to deal with the ongoing conspiracy, talk to her estranged daughter and to finally go to the bathroom. It's here where Old Man Buchanan informs her that Dubaku has been captured and that his list of government officials has been procured.

How? Internet magic from Chloe. I'd explain it, but I would need a bag of fireworks and a stuffed dinosaur to do it properly.

Basically, Erica the whore handles the technical stuff the same way she handles the bedroom stuff: quick to anger, bouts of confusion, talking too much and finally falling into a slump on the floor. Only this time she's dead.

Though the device is wiped out, Chloe used the aforementioned "Internet magic" to download Dubaku's storage device that set off shoplifting alarms whenever he walked into a retail store (except Wal-Mart, which has those things by the door for show. If they do see you steal, they unleash the geriatric greeters to hunt you down on their mopeds. And they can go on for days since they have nothing else better to do).

The crisis has been averted, all thanks to the great JB, who we're reminded is still set to be violently peed on by Senator Mayer for his counter-terrorism crimes. Red, the dad from That 70s Show, has been drinking bottles of truth about the now-defunct CTU and his bladder is ready to rage on Bauer's head with a maniacal laugh.

We've also been set up for round 2 of this season, which appears to involve Red's chief of staff and a secret source from Tony, who has spent the last couple of hours torturing a man for information by talking in short, indiscernible sentences about his life and chewing loud.

It also offers Bauer more instances to prove just how useful a person devoid of any emotion can be, a sort of patriotic zombie who feasts on the carcasses and shits CIP devices for breakfast.

Geek War and Jackie Two Times

24 Season 7 Episode 9
4 p.m. to 5 p.m.

She's ready for geek war.

It's coming. The great geek hacker war of 2009 between two socially inept women who cling to their terabyte hard drives the same way real housewives of New York cling to their Botox appointments has begun.

Hold on to your USB drives because it's gonna get CAPTCHA-azy in here son.

Chloe has been reinstated to raise suspicions, make quick accusations about people she just met and to end arguments with comments like "No, you're a little bitch" whenever possible. Why? Because that's the FBI way.

Scowlface is officially back working for the government, giving her the coveted federal 401K plan and health insurance. She needs both since it appears her son "Prescott" has special needs as evidenced by the "magarowah!" response he gave when he was told mom was leaving for work.

The health plan will also come in handy for Morris "You know where to find me" O'Brian. Of course we know where to find you. You'll be under the table. Crying. And sniffing women's shoes.

The reinstatement comes at the hands of Old Man Buchanan who, despite an economy that mirrors your mom (it's constantly going down), has found a way to get a job during a recession (Oh, 24 isn't set in 2009? Then they should stop driving the Hyundai Genesis and make with the flying cars of 2019).

Buchanan, with his mussed up hairdo (which has to be really annoying for the actor to essentially be in "bum mode" for nine months) has convinced the White House of an internal conspiracy, thus gaining the president's trust.

Once this is accomplished, it is then time to beg.

"I have experience. And a car."

Just like in high school, this line works with all the easy girls. Every once in a while it snags a dirty Catholic girl too.

The car is needed since Madam President is skipping the invade-a-new-country party to visit her half-dead husband Henry who, we thankfully found out, won't be out of surgery for the next five hours (breathe in the lame-subplot-free air for five weeks people).

Shit. I spoke to soon. The president has a daughter. An angry one who will "do anything to get the job done."

The upside? We get our favorite red-headed stranger, Aaron Pierce, back in play...because he's the only person Buchanan can trust. I trust Aaron too. If he told me shit would turn into gold, I'd be buying stock in Lehman Brothers tomorrow.

It's also good for the nation that the First Paranoid Gentlemen is out of commission, since he was the only collatoral Dubaku had. Now that he's gone, Dubaku's immigrant American Dream has reached the critical stage four: Flee the Country.

He's lived well here and managed to balance out global terrorism and Mancala night with his waitress girlfriend who is apparently part of his exit strategy to Belize. And who doesn't want to live in Belize?

Dubaku loves America and hates it at the same time. He's so complicated. No wonder chicks dig him.

(By the way, exit strategies are important and should be in place for every possible situaiton. I have one for when I show up to work without pants. Your nightmares = My reality).

Dubaku now has to alter his life plans from the American Dream to the Belizian Dream, which is essentially the same, except that in Belize the wheelchair-bound sister is sold to the circus for half a year's rent.

Which brings me to Rosa. Man I hate you. And not because you're annoying or meddling. It's because you were right. Now every crazy person is going to call INS whenever their sister dates someone strange instead of handling it in a civil manner and slashing the dude's tires. You weakened a country today Rosa. Sleep tight.

Rosa is against love the same way Lame Larry is against fun. If he's not setting up the network security of the FBI in an assbackawards way, he's stating obvious facts like "Bauer rationalizes every illegal act he's ever done." Dude, everyone does that. It's called surviving.

I'm beginning to think Larry is the true enemy of the show, since his lameness can spread across phone lines, causing Hot Walker to have a Soap-Opera moment in the mirror.

"I'm still me Larry. I'm looking at myself in the mirror and wiping the blood off my face in an obvious attempt to show I'm still human."

Bauer recognized the lameness and yelled at Hot Walker to run with him to the car so they can drive to a possible Dubaku safe house. Did I mention Hot Walker was running? With her coat open? Bauer's a mad genius.

Bauer's power of yelling also came into play with Dubaku's girlfriend after he showed her a picture of her boyfriend.

Waitress Girlfriend: "I don't know who that is."
Bauer: "You're lying. WHY ARE YOU LYING??"

Why is he screaming? Cause liars only hear every second thing that comes out of your mouth, which is why the best liars almost always have the moniker "two times" after their first name.

After Waitress Girlfriend sees Hot Walker's collection of genocide photos, she's convinced she wants to help take Dubaku down by meeting him so Bauer and Hot Walker can follow.

Walker is concerned about the safety of Waitress Girlfriend. Bauer thinks the idea is awesome and yells "THIS IS AWESOME!" twice so the Waitress can hear him. Hot Walker doesn't think so and almost mucks stuff up with things like "feelings" and "conscience."

However, she's also clearly drawn to the Bauer's brand of random fun. She's like a horny librarian torn between the How-To manuals of Larry and the secret stash of pulp fiction that is the Bauer.

"Life gets ugly" is the Bauer's conforting advice, which comes true in a matter of minutes when the two are surrounded by DC police, which forces Jack to the ground as he screams "LARRY DO SOMETHING" futily into the air. Hot Walker probably yelled the very same thing when she and Lame Larry first tried to get it on.

The cops showed up because Sean is the mole. Yup. That guy. The guy who screws around with co-workers and makes sensitive, personal and illegal calls from his cell phone. At his desk. In the middle of the day.

Don't terrorist organizations have a vetting process? Or did they have the ideal candidate, but had to let him go because of a failure to pay his taxes?

Either way, this almost ensures a Geek Alliance between the Scowlface and Janice. But only after the virtual pudding wrestling match takes place in Second Life. Because online, there can be only one.