6th Grade Michael Moore Logic

7 a.m. to 9 a.m.
1.9.05

Firstly, I was in LA for a press junket this weekend. When i realized i wasn't gonna be back till 9:30 pm on sunday, i had the airline change my flight so i wouldn't miss 24. When i finally did arrive, God felt it necessary to delay my plane 40 minutes, leaving enough time for me to miss the first 30 minutes of the first episode. Listen closely..you can hear Him laughing at me. (yes, i stole a Four Seasons robe...sue me). Thanks to a frantic call to my sister and the episode recap before the second episode, i've been completely debriefed (haha! I'm using CTU talk).

Hot damn for Jack getting the Sheryl Crow look-a-like for a girlfriend (upgrade!). Sucks that she's kidnapped along with her dad who has an uncanny knack of being a little too optismitic for his own good ("honey, there's no reason for them to kill you" "We're gonna get rescued! Say it with me! No more bad thoughts! Click your red slippers baby, we'll be home soon!!") Doesn't he know he's not on Knot's Landing anymore?

Yea Chloe's back and she apparently discovered make-up since the last season. She looks less like a potato and more like a painted doll. Strangely enough, the writers have passed the annoying torch to the robotic poor-man's Lorraine Bracco. It's a shame she's suffereing from Bauer envy, which is ten times worse than your garden varitey penis envy.

The new CTU staff. Ok Curtis (smooth black man) is boring. They all seem like robots and void of any personality. It just makes me miss Tony and Michelle (to the newbies, they were old characters from the past that, er,aren't around anymore) And the girl (she looks like a cheerleader) is...eh, that's how boring they are. I can't even think of anything about them to yell about.

Fat hacker guy with the NYC accent is awesome. I want to see an episode where he tracks a terrorist, talks to Jack and eats a five foot-long hero sub simutaneously. That guy deserves his own show. It could be the spin off of 24 where a man has to eat 24 food items in 24 minutes. I'm calling Fox right now.

The hippie hacker guy is pretty weak. I'm not surprised he's friends with Chloe. Mayhap he was more than just a friend in college, eh? Yea I grossed myself out there.

(side note: NO MORE LATE FEES AT BLOCKBUSTER!)

Ok i'm sorry, but terrorist mom is really hot. I don't care what you think, I can't help the way I feel. It's a shame the brillo-head son got caught up in America's best defense against terrorism, the white she-devil. She'll fall in love with you and then fuck up your evil deeds. And you know what? You'll still forgive her and buy her some flowers. (if anything I must have flowers always). That's how we get them. If we just opened a Hooters in Baghdad, maybe the world would be safer.

So who do I think the terrorists are? I think they are Nadar supporters who are tired of waiting for politicians to help the environment. They are smooth criminals (yes, i'm listening to the song and so should you) with a green agenda. What's in the briefcase? Tree seeds. Millions and millions of tree seeds....and a water gun.

I'm glad to see that Ronnie guy or whatever his name was is already dead. He looked like an ostrich and was only getting in the way of Jack's Baurerness. He also tried to be Bauer's friend. Fatal flaw #1= Bauer needs no friends.

Which brings me to the man we all know and love. I like how after he tries to do everything by the book, he looks at his watch and then starts walking toward the interrogation room, as if symbolically saying "It's Bauer time" (you could tell it was badass time because the music started to get epic). Even more impressive was his manhandling of that damn dirty table in the way of the truth. And who knew that the part of the body that makes us lie is a small bullet-hole spot on our right thigh?

Yea that Ronnie guy didn't know how to yell properly. As always, the characters in this show try to be Jack and then fail miserably.

BTW: best quote of the night was "Don't give me your 6th grade Michael Moore logic!"