Who Farted?

11 a.m. to 12 p.m.
1.17.05

A moment of silence for the dear Chloe who's seemingly last words were "You're a geek...but I guess you're a good guy. Don't change." I think someone wrote that to me when i graduated high school...We'll miss your wrinkled pink shirt and your condescending manner. BTW, i'm going to end all my insults with "amateur" now. It gives it that extra kick in the balls that every insult needs. Watch.

"Hey, the next time you try to talk to me, take a breath and think about what the hell you say to me first...AMATEUR!"

The smooth terrorist guy with the earring really had the worst day out of anyone so far. Not only does he get emasculated by Jack when he failed to spray him with bug spray, but he honks at car that has a large black man with threatening spiky hair. Terrorist guy should get an Emmy for the best "Oh shit he's black!" look on television. That was priceless.

Kudos to blowing himself up in style too. Other terrorists would go the selfish route and start yelling "HELL no! I saved a primo seat for the execution and i'll be damned if that rookie from Baghdad is gonna take my spot!" But no, he was noble and made his final act in the world of 24 a big "screw you" to the Bauer.

The Deputy of Pain is now an honorary Bauer. He's the man Bauer is going to be assuming he makes it to 60. "Dammit! get the chain over my neck and kill me! DO IT NOW!" Only a man with Bauer blood would order his own daughter to kill him and others. I heard there was scene they cut though.

Sheryl Crow: Dad...i'm sorry i couldn't kill you.
Deputy of Pain: That's ok sweetie.
SC: (sniffs) Dad...did you just fart?
DP: Yea...sorry baby. I had a breakfast burrito this morning. With extra sauce. I've embarrassed my country...again.

Sadly, that exchange was changed to the "gas leak" scene we saw last nite. Obviously, the original intent was kept intact. People were gonna die from gaseous fumes. This theme is echoed when the terrorist smell the leak later on.

"Gas....I smell gas...HELLER!"

Hooray for Edgar for sticking it to Sassy Spice by saying "just because you overheard that conversation with my and Chloe doesn't mean i'm your bitch." Again, the man needs to eat soon. He looks hungry.

Crazy daughter really freaks me out. Maybe she has a numeric code hidden in her psyche and they bring in the famous psychiatrist Michael Douglas to come in to dig it out of her, forcing her to say the eery "I'll never teeeelll" as she quietly gets crazier.

Bazra (or whatever the terrorist son's name is) all of a sudden got smooth with the lie about his cell phone. And his dad is STILL not impressed! What's this kid got to do? Mastermind his OWN attack on the United States? Actually kill someone (for real)? He's just 15 so pops, give the kid a break. You're lucky he can talk to girls and help cover up their death at this point without whining "Fine, but there is NO WAY i'm taking the garbage out tonight. That's all yours old man."

This week's speculation on the contents of the briefcase: glass animal figurines. "I was afraid it broke in the train crash." You should be. They are pretty delicate."

I don't think terrorist mom blinks. I think she's a robot too. It's funny how she's the one the men approach to fix problems. Maybe she'll kill her family and demand the US government for a lifetime supply of Botox and a new set of eyes, preferably ones that won't conjure up the adjective "freak."

I have a new 24 game. Everytime Jack disobeys an order, you drink (beer, vodka, cough syrup, whatever you have lying around) Everytime Jack gives an order, you eat a taco. Everytime Jack obeys an order, you do ten jumping jacks. Try it, it's fun. I really wanted a taco tonight...can you tell?

Jack just found a regular Friday night girl and now the US government wants to take her away from him. Those bastards. It's one thing to mess with Jack's family in past seasons, but to screw with a man's sex life is unforgivable. Screw the precision missles. I heard their only precise 20 percent of the time and it entirely depends on their "mood."

Is everyone at CTU clueless? Why does Jack always seem to come up with the good ideas? No one thought to check for the heat readings or anything? I mean there are like 30 damn people there and half of them seem to busy with either casting dirty looks or updating MySpace profile...Perhaps this was what the Homeland Security main office was like.

Tom Ridge: "DOES anyone have a reading on there whereabouts of my burger? Anyone? I'm gonna raise this to level Red because I am FUCKING STARVING!"

For the first time in 24, Bauer couldn't talk to the president. That was sad and made me long for the days when Palmer was...WAIT! There he is doing those damn ALL STATE commercials. That damn tease. He better show up with his own ski mask and a shotgun.

I'm looking forward to Jack killing everyone and then shooting down the missles with a pistol next week. Seems crazy, but somehow Jack will make it happen. Though I fear what this shocking event is going to be...Will we be saying goodbye to Sheryl Crow? Boo Hoo...the first cut really IS the deepest. (one tear)

One would think this country would have learned already about pre-emptive strikes on people. They always end badly and some fat bastard with a video camera will make a documentary about all your mistakes. Fools.