Fourth and long...

11 p.m. to Midnight
4.11.05

Every week I suffer a letdown at the beginning of 24, thanks to that stupid asinine warning about graphic violence. Before you only got that warning every once and a while and when you did, you knew some nasty shit was going down. It's so commonplace now that it's lost the excitement it once had. At this point it would be more shocking to see everyone on 24 having a picnic together and talking about the first time they fell in love. The warning before that show would be "Invite Grandma. It's Hallmark time."

Air Force Done has been shot down and no one knows who's alive or who's dead. There's a bunch of people at CTU, two high-ranking people from division and one drunk who's freelancing for the day and NO ONE knows about this super secret channel that can get in touch with the secret service? Jack must have gotten the knowledge from craigslist.org. You can find anything there. And, being at a desk job for a while, he's had the free time to finally surf this "Internet" he's been hearing about.

Old Man Buchanan wants Tony and Bichelle to be back together. So the lovefest is back on. All Tony needs is a brown trench coat and an old stereo that's playing Amy Grant's "Baby, Baby" that he can hold over his head and Bitchelle will be all his again.

Ah Mike, the VP's advisor and another recycled character from the 24 closet. What is the deal with him always wanting to get the president knocked off so he can get the VP to rise up? And nice pick for a VP. He looks like he's complete useless and close to tears all the time. I'd rather have a guy in there that misspelled "potato."

So the boyscout is dead and the president is in pretty rough shape. Well, at least we know there isn't anything serious going on right now.

FUMBLE!

Oops! We dropped the nuclear football and like the Buffalo Bills, we did it at the most crucial point in the game. I wish Heller called Jack on a video phone and yelled "Get me that ball!" while wearing a "#1 Coach" hat from K-Mart.

And, just like the Bills, the two people closest to the football have no idea what to do with it.

(John Madden looks up from his Hungryman TV Dinner to comment)
"That's just dumb football right there. See the ball, get the ball, run down the damn field. It's not that difficult."

Who goes to the Mojave Desert to make a baby? Crazies and potheads. Although I question Jay's intentions of actually wanting a baby since he left his wife in the tent and is outside with a flashlight because he "heard" something (don't planes falling from the sky make a louder noise than a fart passing in the night?). When sex turns into procreating, a man will do anything to get out of it, even hunt for treasure in the middle of the night in the Mojave.

The wife knew this because she "pretended" not to hear a plane falling from the sky a mere 100 feet away from them. She was probably ovulating and was hoping it was going to be man-seed time. Unfortunately for her, Jay lived every man's dream by actually finding treasure in the middle of the desert.

(He's a bastard. I've been searching for treasure all my life and all I've found is a hat that says "Cliff" and a discarded pizza).

John Madden (somewhat awake and still hungry): Looks like they got the football back, but here comes the defense storming up. They are gonna have to do something with that ball and quickly. Let's see if we can listen on the field to what the QB is telling his team.

The Bauer: Take the football and start moving. I don't care what direction.
The Madden: Yup. Sounds like Bills thinking to me.

But Marwan sniffed the play out, just like the unemotional Patriot's coach Bill Belichick, and is fully aware that CTU is making a break for the redzone.

(sidenote: If you want to be super cool, here is The Bauer's direct line. 310.597.3781. Yes it works. No you can't leave a message. Yes cast members and directors used to pick up the phone. Sorry, they don't anymore. Yes I call it in the middle of the night.)

I wished Jay took the briefcase and spiked it on the ground when they got to the abandoned building. It would have been fitting given the situation.

The Madden: Ok, they made it. But that defense looks threatening. I'm smelling a blitz pretty soon.

Indeed. Here they come. Madden is a genius…or just painfully obvious.

The Madden: Looks like it's 2nd and 10. And with those two running around the basement like chickens with their heads chopped off, looks like they're in trouble.

POW! Another Bauer backup is dead. Backups are completely useless. Yes, they are in trouble. But it can't be that bad. Bauer is talking on the cell and shooting at thugs. He's even got two calls going on at once. I can barely talk on the cell phone and drive, which is why I only do it when I'm drunk.

And who needs back up when a perfectly decent empty tin can is there? Bauer needs no back up. Only a sack of tin cans that are ready to do his bidding, be it explode bullets or hold a handful of beans.

The Madden: I told you! Blitz. And now they're back another ten yards and off to the left. I hate making plays on the left side, especially on 3rd and 25. Looks like Bauer is gonna call the play-action split, sending the married couple off in different directions. Let's see if it pays off.

Bauer is the last person on earth who should be giving relationship advice. One wife in the grave and a slew of ignored girlfriends. I bet that's the last time Jay goes searching for treasure. Especially now that he's shot in the shoulder and the leg.

The Madden: This looks hopeless. Fourth and long? Where's the microwave? I want another damn Hungryman. Screw this game.

But you can't count The Bauer out. He's a playmaker and when the game is on the line, he sends in special teams to shoot the crap out of the opposing team so he can cause a fumble. Yay! We have the football back! Hmm..Red chapter section three is missing. I hope it wasn't important or anything.

Audrey: "Section three? That tells them where the warheads are. Had you said section two, that would only lead them to the nearest 24-hour Whitecastle, which is equally important. Tell me, is that still there? I could have about 10 burgers right now."

So Marwan wants a warhead. He kidnapped the Secretary of Defense, threatened to melt down nuclear power plants, killed terrorist mom, indirectly killed Edgar's mom, blew up a warehouse, traded for Brillohead, and shot down Air Force One. That's a hell of a lot to do just for a measly warhead. Had it all been for directions to the nearest Whitecastle, then I could see it. But a warhead?

Just pull a Bauer and use a tin can. They are easier to find and a lot more fun.