4.25.05
1 a.m. to 2 a.m.
"Did Jack do this?"
Ah the eternal question around 24. You can tell the Bauer did something when you see the branding on the side of his victims. It's small, but with a magnifying glass you'll be able to read "Beat by Bauer" on it. If he's really pissed at you, he'll put it on your forehead.
Poor Audrey is turning more into a mom than a girlfriend these days. You can tell from the stern look she gave Jack with her arms crossed in the hall. She's diminished Jack to being a rowdy 14-year-old who needs to be locked in his room for all the hi-jinks he's done.
Curtis: Dude….she's looking at you.
The Bauer: Walk away. Slowly. I'll confuse her with an ambiguous smile.
Instead of love, all the Bauer gets is a speech about consequences. That's such a mom thing to do and it never works. My mom said drugs and alcohol were bad. Boy was she wrong. Drugs and alcohol got me to where I am today…which is at the bar…with a bunch of old men…who call me sonny boy.
But I guess when you piss off President "You want it when?!" Logan, you're bound to suffer some crap for your actions. So let's arrest the Bauer and put him in the time-out car so he can think of what he did wrong. Yes, that's the answer. The more we run this country like a first grade class room, the better we'll be.
Marwan certainly knows how to party. What better place to film a terrorist video than in a closed off room of a dance club? If you get bored, you can always run out the door and start dancing.
Which apparently is why you see 40-year-old men in dance clubs. It isn't for the college aged girls (or boys). It's the perfect cover to conduct business, both legal and illegal. And besides, walking through a club while talking on a cell phone makes you sooo badass.
The Reasons for Terrorism:
Um, pretty damn weak and obvious. Oh the United States is a bully. We will blow you up until you admit you suck. Yea, we know that. Why don't you come up with something more specific? We know we're a bully and have come to terms with it. Why can't you?
And I'm sick of the vagueness. Give me something specific dammit.
"To the people of the United States. I am sick and tired of waiting for my pizza after I order it. The ad in the phonebook said prompt service, but here I sit for over 40 minutes with no pizza. Where is the pizza? I ordered it, so it should be here. Is this not a service that is easy to provide? I can plan a terrorist attack easier than I can get a pie with extra cheese, peppers, and sausage. It is because of this grave injustice that your country will be terrorized until you remedy this problem...and I get my damn pizza."
There are seven words in the English language that, if used in the right order at the right time, will strike complete and utter fear into the heart of every man in this country.
"I found that bookmark on your computer."
The mere thought of answering the phone and hearing your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, or boss say those words will send a man into hysterics. Why? Because, as is usually the case, it means they (the enemy) found your hidden stash of computer porn.
Go ahead, ask your male friends. If they're honest, they'll admit it. If they deny it, say the above seven words and watch them crumble and freak out. If they're smart, they would have renamed the bookmark to something that sounds mundane or commonplace like "tennis."
It's common enough to not raise any flags and boring enough to deter anyone from actually clicking on it.
Sabir the terrorist should have lied to his girlfriend and told her he was cheating on her. Women need a reason, any reason. But nooo, Sabir had to be vague and say he couldn't tell her what was going on. This leads back to the problem terrorists' have of not being specific enough.
And she knows his politics? What does that mean? Does Sabir have a Death to the United States tattooed on his ass? And if he does, what the HELL are you doing with him?
Girlfriend logic: "Oh, I know he has his faults and that, sure he might be into this whole America is bad thing. But when he hugs me and I smell him, I just remember that time he brought me flowers on the beach and…"
Scent is the strongest sense tied to memory. How will you be remembered?
Old Spice Body Spray. Helping terrorists fool their girlfriends one hug at a time.
I want the video camera that I can make walk through a vent. I wouldn't use it for spying. I would use it to look into the living room to see what's on television as I work in the office or to even check the fridge for a beer. It would need a remote and a claw too. Then again, if I had the funds for such things I could probably just buy another television for the office and get a mini fridge.
Another problem terrorists have is not being able to mesh well with the environment they are in. Maybe this is where their hatred for America stems from. If we just taught them how to dance, maybe this whole hatred thing would blow-over. I'm calling Kofi at the UN now. He's always up this late watching Law & Order reruns anyway.
And finally, the Palmer comes back! Though I was a little disappointed that he didn't pick up a shotgun and say "Let's roll" to his secret service pals. I still hold on to the hope that Palmer will be out in the field with the Bauer, shooting everyone up and leaving All State business cards on the cars he crashes into.
Palmer should see Logan face-to-face so he knows just how much of a wuss this bastard is. Logan looks like a goldfish I used to have as a kid. We called him "Shit Brick" and cheered when we flushed him down the toilet.
Logan's heroes for this episode (AKA people who have a nervous breakdown): Jack for his monkey dance while yelling "WE HAD HIM DAMMIT!" and Edgar huffing and puffing about how no one can use his computer. Maybe he has some bookmarks too…
I had just about had it with Edgar's shit when all of a sudden he starts saying sweet nothings into Chloe's ear. It was nice that Edgar offered to go instead, but he should know it wasn't because Chloe's the best. It was because Edgar couldn't fit in the car.
CTU backup, yet again, is completely useless. And so is this goon who can't get rid of two unarmed girls. Thanks to the bullet-repellent car, Chloe escaped and got to shoot a machine gun at the bad guy. Though I'm not surprised she had such good aim. Every computer geek has played Doom 3, so I'm sure she's had a lot of practice.
I liked her face at the end of the episode with that glow of "I can't believe I just did that." I had that same face after I convinced my girlfriend from many moons ago at that the suspicious bookmark she found on my computer was actually for a paper I was doing research on.
Stay in school kids. The second you leave, you will never be able to blame anything on "research" ever again.
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