Stabby McGee

10 p.m. to 11 p.m.
4.4.05

I don't blame President Keeler to want to get on the ground and start doing something. Even though it's Air Force One, I’m sure he's getting a little stir-crazy up there. No one likes to be on a plane for an extended period of time, even with all the cashews you could ever eat. If they would only allow Chuck E Cheese to take control of the ride, they could call it Air Force Fun. The government would get lots more done in that plane if video games and over-priced pizza were available.

Keeler's son (the boy scout) seems weak. He and crazy Mya would have made a great couple. She would just yell and he would cry out "I'm…scared!".
They just came from a stop in Mexico? Maybe Keeler kidnapped him from the boy scout troop he was with because he never had a son. Which is why his wife died…because he killed her.

On to the speech. Yes, let's tell the country the truth. That always works. Just like that whole WMD thing in Iraq.

"My fellow Americans. We are screwed. I suggest loading up on cans of refried beans since that is the only food that can survive just about anything and will last forever. That and fruitcake. I'll be up in the air when the shit hits the fan so I won't be there physically, but I'll be snapping a bunch of pictures with my camera phone."

Ho ho, Keeler's single? Maybe he should give Bitchelle a call since she's into old men with white hair.

Just when I thought Bitchelle was getting sweet on the Tony, she allows creepy Division man to caress her shoulder. Yes, let's get the oldest bastard that still works for the government to shack up with. I hope Tony breaks a beer bottle on the table and threatens to stab the old man in the throat.
Tony should have taken out the pocket-sized photo of his roommate and thrown it in her face.

"Her name is Lorna and she's a two-dollar stripper. That's right, she's better than you."

I love how everyone at CTU can handle personal problems in little five-second conversations. There was probably a class at the academy that taught everyone how to deal with a question like "When were you gonna tell me you were sleeping with that butthole?" with the very curt "Never." Short and to the point. You can't really say anything after that except hang your head in shame and reply. "I hate you."

The seeds of love have apparently transferred away from Tony and Bitchelle and landed in the love pond that is Chloe and Edgar. She's covering for him and even giving him a second "hey now" look. They could have an Internet relationship that consisted of smiley faces to get their point across and cyber sex. Again, another handy tool taught by the academy. That lesson was called "Feelings."

You could tell Chloe was trying to get Edgar alone with the "Do you want the bad news here or somewhere private?" Had Edgar chose the fun option, Chloe would have brought him into the break room and whipped out her seductive chicken dance set to Tina Turner's "Private Dancer." You'd be surprised how often the chicken dance works in seducing people. That's why it's used at weddings.

Edgar's gonna shoot himself at the end of the day. He's not hungry anymore. He's just emotionally drained and has to go home and plan a funeral for an empty casket. He doesn't need a sub anymore, he needs a private dance. Oh wait, he screwed that up already.

Paralyzed Paul thinks he can walk again. That fool. He's going to be singing the "I got no legs" song on subways with a little tin can for change. Audrey knows this and this is what makes her sad because she knows Paul can't sing. He's not gonna get shit in that tin can.

Which is why she's probably going to dump the Bauer (sniff) so she can nurse Paul back to health. You could tell from the "Yea…right" she gave him after their phone conversation. I've heard that many a time and when a woman says that to you, it usually means she's angry at you for using a lamp as a torturing device. Had he used a pillow, maybe she could let it slide.

But then again, why doesn't she want the Bauer? He can crash into the sides of buildings and unload bullets into terrorists. Not to mention have someone run into his trusty knife and then stab them twice with a level of excitement usually reserved for 10-year-olds on Disney World rides.

Jack's new nickname: Stabby McGee

Jack should just shoot anyone new he comes in contact with because one way or the other, they are going to die. Either because they are his "back up" (The Bauer doesn't need a backup unless that said person is getting him a coffee and a donut) or because a hot terrorist seductress with a bad accent is giving him the eye. No one gives Bauer the eye. If you do, you get the rage bullets.

Rage bullets are regular bullets except they can go through walls and hit the intended target perfectly. Bullets fired sans rage don't go through walls and hit nothing. In fact, they avoid the intended target because the bullets just aren't angry enough. And a bullet fired without rage is like whipping someone with a piece of string.

The cat and mouse game was fun with the pseudo Agent Drake for awhile, but the Bauer could tell something was up. Not because of the ransacked the room in a most un-FBI way. It's because she's an attractive woman and, as all burned men know, attractive women can not be trusted.

Wait a minute, Driscol was ugly as sin and she couldn't be trusted either. So I guess I'm wrong. All women can't be trusted.

But the absolute best scene of the episode last night was the Lifetime moment Jack had with Crazy Captain Anderson. It even looked like Anderson was going to cry about his crappy life and the fact the military threw him out. The problem was that Jack didn't give Anderson another option. He had him. Anderson was ready to change. He just needed another target.

"Look, all you have to do is change your coordinates to this and you can bomb the crap out of this guy who stiffed me on a bar tab once. That way everyone wins…and I finally get to see what the fuss is with these Stealth Fighters."

Instead, the crazy redhead shot at Air Force Fun and now the prez along with his poor-excuse for a son are going down into the desert. Wait. I saw that Harrison Ford movie…isn't there suppose to be an escape pod for the president when shit goes down on the plane?

Then again, if it did deploy, he would be stuck alone in the desert, which is worse than being bored on Air Force Stunned. The desert is a scary place filled with illegal Mexicans crossing the border with signs around their neck reading "What can Brown do for you?" and a group of patrolling crazies called Minutemen armed with slingshots and dodgeballs with signs around their necks with the reply of "Ab-so-lute-ly nothing! Say it again! Uh!"