Let the Madness Begin...

7 a.m. to 10 a.m.
1.15.06

The three things that had me howling at the television in the first 15 minutes:

Palmer getting it in the throat
The car bomb that took out Michelle and will eventually give Tony a speech impediment
Chloe had sex.


Hey now! How did that happen with Chloe? Has she been on a quest for the past 18 months to get laid? And out of all the guys at CTU, you picked Spencer? He looks like an intern or a horse jockey at best. And I don't trust him. He bagged Chloe and still mocked her from behind. Oh wait, that's normal for a guy.

"Don't worry. No one's going to think you're a slut."
"Why?"
"Cause you didn't move at all during those 15 seconds of passion I gave you
last night."

Dammit! Michelle is dead just when she was looking her hottest. It's nice to see that she and Tony have maintained the work relationship at home, being that she clearly outranks him. Then again, if I was married to Michelle, I'd let her walk all over me with stilettos on.

And they have a business? I bet they sold Tupperware together. It's only job where a person would gladly throw themselves in the middle of harm's way. But it doesn't matter. The car is going to blow up, throwing hercarcass on the lawn.

At least Tony survived the blast, though thanks to a hemorrhage or some crap hitting his skull, he'll have a speech impediment. I can't wait for him to shake his head in his bed and open his mouth with the voice of Elmer Fudd.

But the surprise that started it all, the death of Palmer. It finally happened. And wow was it easy. Are you kidding me? The entire first season was dedicated to that plot and these fools did it in 10 minutes. I guess no one had thought of shooting him from across a building yet.

Worry not. I heard he recently bought All-State's new assassination insurance. Even though he's dead, any surviving members of his family will get a big chunk of cash, a plaque with his picture on it, and a key chain that says "Are you in good hands?" when you press a button.

I can see the commercial now.
"Hi friends. I was David Palmer and if you're watching this, I've just been assassinated. And though my family's suffering mentally, they shouldn't have to suffer financially. So if you're a former president, a redhead, or that person who doesn't turn off their blinker when they're driving on the road, then Assassination insurance may be for you."

The Handyman

He's college educated, knows how to fire a gun, can kill you with a fist or a stern look, and the only work Frank Flynn can find is as an oil rigger and a part-time handyman around the house of his girlfriend who probably pays him with sweet, luscious peach cobbler.

But he's not Frank Flynn. He's the Bauer and he keeps a gun under the sofa cushion, just in case the pizza boy is late.

He's supposed to be hiding, so why does he have a girlfriend, not to mention one with a teenage son? The Bauer can take on terrorists, bombs, and spies. But apparently when he goes home, his man-tool rules his life, just like everyone else.

"I thought I was the kind of guy who could get a second chance at life. But
I'm not."

Well, maybe you are Bauer, but this is Fox, not Lifetime. When you stop getting pissed of and breaking car windows with your bare hands (WTF?), then you can be in a sappy movie about finding the woman of your dreams who has a dark past.

He does have the perfect cover though. MILFs are known to go after guys who don't open up all that much. In her eyes, Hot Mom probably thinks she's found the perfect man. Then again, she also thought she found love on Spin City but was dumped constantly.

Her son is another matter. Emo Boy (since he has long greasy hair and whines a lot) seems hell-bent on making sure that Frank doesn't ditch his mom. If only Bauer could slap him upside the head. But he's not that guy any more. He's Frank.and Frank's a big pussy who repairs fences.

But that is until he gets a call from Chloe and he runs out to his room and takes his satchel out from a hole in the wall. It's also complete with his fashionable pair of sunglasses, a must for anyone hiding from the Chinese government.

Finally the Bauer sheds off the wimpy Frank skin and starts punching people and stealing everything from cars to helicopters. But Emo Boy tracks him down, making the Bauer do something he hasn't done in a while: babysit.

"The only reason you're conscious right now is because I don't want to
carry you."

Somehow, some way, I'm going to say that to someone. And it will be awesome.I should get a gun first though. And maybe those sunglasses. At least towards the end the Bauer and Emo Boy had a man moment in the car where he laid out his entire reason lying. Though it's pretty obvious that Emo is more interested about this mysterious daughter that the Bauer has.

"He has a daughter.is she hot? Does she like greasy hair and music about
how bad I feel?"

And he admitted to Hot Mom that he lied to her. What are these lies you
ask?

The Lies of the Bauer
-His name
-The fact that he loves oil (he prefers solar energy)
-He likes to dance (the Bauer dances for no one)
-He likes making love in candlelight (he prefers sticks of dynamite)

Pretty badass killing the Palmer shooter yourself, even after promising to bring him to the hospital. He used mental torture and it worked. Screw you McCain. Torture works.

Crazy for You

So CTU is smart enough to figure out that Jack faked his own death and that the people who were recently killed all knew about it. But I love how quick they were ready to believe that Jack woke up one day and decided he wanted to kill everyone who knew his secret.

You could throw a paper airplane in there saying "Trust no one" and it would send the entire building into high alert. You don't need a bomb or a computer virus to bring CTU to its knees. All you need is mental confusion and a hapless fool like Buchanan to believe that anything is possible.

Even Edgar couldn't figure out that Chloe and Intern Spencer were getting busy. Though he was obviously crushed when he heard the news. Poor Edgar. Why don't girls want rolly-polly love?

The only person who knows what's up is Chloe who figured out that white vans and suspicious looking men always mean trouble. Never trust anything that comes out of a white van like children or clowns.

Apparently President Logan is also quick to assume Bauer is the culprit, making him even more useless as a president. And just when you thought his life couldn't get any wackier, we get introduced to Mrs. Logan, aka Crazytown.

She described herself as a wedding cake, threw her head in a sink of water, and to top it all off, she has delusions and loves conspiracy theories.

"I'm not crazy!" That's the mantra for crazy people everywhere. You'd think
she knew that already since it's on their business card.

What was Palmer going to tell Crazytown?
-Elvis isn't dead
-His secret stash of Girl Scout cookies in the White House
-Assassination Insurance
-Your husband is a tool

At least Logan has Walt, his Brokeback Cowboy who subtle longs for those precious moments alone with his man. He needs Walk since Logan looks like he could get rattled after a bowel movement.
"Ok what was THAT?"

And, surprise surpirse, the man who thought it would be a great idea to kill the Bauer last year ends up being part of the plan of mayhem. But he looks so innocent and loyal. Aw, Brokeback, I wish I knew how to quit you.

The Terror

There are 167 agents in Wayne Palmer's building and the Bauer doesn't even think twice about infiltrating it. Tells us why Chloe.
"Relax. He's good at this."

Hmm, the study is completely empty and of the multitude of FBI, Secret Service, and Bike Cops that are there, no one even thought of looking into Palmer's laptop. I guess it's easy to be smart when the local authorities are dumbasses. That's why terrorists target LA all the time. They can actually get away with it.

So a clue to who is setting Jack up as the shooter to the Palmer killing is the baggage claim supervisor? Makes sense. Those guys are malicious and will hold onto your luggage until you do "favors" for them. And I've heard that death pill is standard equipment because eventually, every baggage claim supervisor wants to die.

I like how the terrorist traveled in a UPS van, giving even more meaning to the slogan "What can Brown do for you?" Get those PSAs ready Fox. And the Ontario Airport? Are you serious? Were you going for the least amount of hostages possible? Do they even have real planes there?

So now that the truth is out and everyone knows Jack is alive, here's a list of arbitrary predictions.

Hot Mom (Diane, Jack's new woman): Gets drunk and does a bad rendition of Melloncamp's "Jack and Diane"

Tony: says "Taco" before he dies. Buchanan proclaims it as the "ultimate clue" for the day's events

Sheryl Crow (Audrey, Jack's old woman): Can someone say catfight?

Edgar: Joins the catfight to prove to Chloe he's more than just a friend

Chloe: has sex again...with Emo Boy

Intern Spencer: dies after thinking too hard

Crazytown (Mrs. Martha Logan): Eventually pretends that Palmer is still alive to cope with his death. Why? Because she's afraid of Virginia Woolf.

Walt: Leaves his shirt behind after he's killed. Logan hangs it up and smells it constantly saying "Oh Walt, I swear."

The Bauer: Changes his profile on his MySpace page to say:
"If you ever need anyone to pick you up in a helicopter, do your mom, or kill the guy who killed you, I'm your man."