The Door in the Floor

4 p.m. to 5 p.m.
2.21.05

Driscoll has a heart. By giving Edgar some emotional support with the understatement of the year (my goodness, how callous of me!) and giving Sarah the old my-bad-for-torturing-you shrug, the she-beast proves she's so much more than a hard, hard bitch. But ho, what's this? Let's keep an eye on that new Tony guy that I just re-instated because he's scowling at me funny. (yay for Tony!)

And I knew Sarah would get some brains after the shock therapy. She noticed creepy husband Paul's company on the computer and even got herself a promotion and two pay raises. So I guess that means her title will be Torture Technician and she'll be making $15.76 an hour. But still no benefits. You have to die and then be resurrected at CTU to get that. Now she has be friends with Driscoll. Eewwww. Was it really worth it?

Oh Edgar. He saved the pretty girl and she's still giving him shit like he's a dim witted fool. She'll find out it was him and then the lights will go down and they will be crowned king and queen of CTU. Jack would get it, but he's never around.

Crafty Curtis is getting better at this whole "torture" thing in his House of Pain. Although it did look like a desperate attempt to prove to the higher ups that he could actually get information out of someone.

"A dead body? You're a sick bastard!"
"It's the only thing I could think of. That sensory video game wasn't doing shit."

Amazing that Maryanne was trying to keep Curtis as a friend after the madness with the "I know it's gonna be hard for you to trust me after this..." She even flirted with Curtis with the whole "Can I put my foot down now? Or should I continue throwing out this sexy yet administrative vibe towards you?"

Poor Maryanne. That second password must have opened up that secret wall in the other room where the two thugs with guns and the bald man were hiding. If only she typed in the other password, the waiters would have shown up with ice cream sundaes and cookies.

Those thugs were crazy. You know why? The man had a shotgun and a suit on. I mean, it's one thing to be running around in a fancy $500 suit and wielding a pistol, but a shotgun? There's no way you can hide that. Unless you're the governor of California or a character in Grand Theft Auto.

So now I guess it's Crafty's turn to get tortured. Good. Maybe he'll learn something from the real House of Pain (Everybody Jump jump!)

BAAARRRROOOOZZ! He's going to playing that "I'm just a minor baby!" card for the rest of the season. So kill your pops, do some drugs, and help both sides in the fun game that is terrorism because it's going tp suck the minute you turn 18. Then you have to "act" like an "adult." At least until you hit 21. Then you revert back to 13.

It was funny when Bahrouz yelled "You're choking me!" at the beginning when Terrorist dad was dragging his ass down the hall. As if whining ever got you anywhere. I yell "I'm poor" and "I'm hungry!" all the time and I have yet to see a leprechaun with a pot of gold or a panda with a plate of food.

(And speaking of whining, Heller was going off on a pretty nasty whine with Driscoll. "Audrey's going where? WHHHY?? Why didn't you tell me? I'm gonna sit in the corner and pout.")

I was afraid Bahrouz was gonna pop one in Jack after he said "It's ok son...put the gun down." For a second I thought Brillohead was gonna come back with "You're not my father either! BLAM!"

-break-
A strang thing happened in the middle of writing this...

Ok at this point, I heard a knock at the door and when I looked out there was this little 8-year-old kid named Carlos. He asked me if there was a Carlos inside my apartment. Truth be told, I actually turned around and checked because this kid was really convincing. Then I said "But you're Carlos."

The kid shrugged and said he was looking for his dad. He left and tried another door. Five minutes later I heard another knock and it was Carlos again. I peeped through the hole and saw that he was crying! So i opened it up and he asked "Can I just stand outside your door?"

I brought the kid inside, offered him some water, and with my best Bauer impression I said "Let's go. We're gonna find your father."

We walked around the complex a little bit and I made sure we were at least five feet away from each other at all times. You have to protect yourself legally these days.

Carlos is eight but he'll be nine soon. I tried to lighten the mood by telling him that nine was a great age to be, as opposed to say 26. We found a door around the corner that was a jar.

"Hey the door's open." Carlos said.
"You don't go opening ajar doors Carlos. That's a rule" I said in a Bauer whisper.

I made Carlos stand behind me as I knocked on the door with cell phone in hand ready to call 9-11. It was his dad. He went in and I returned home, feeling like I did something good.

-break-

When Terrorist mom gave Jack an address to the final place where they were to get thier instructions, I was so sure it was going to be a 7-11, just to complete the stereotype trifecta. Alas, I still wait.

The door in the floor. Oh these guys are wicked smart for using a powerstrip to bring the eletricity downstairs in the basement. They can kidnapp the DOD and his daughter, write a virus to crack the security in all the nuclear power plants, and yet they STILL can't figure out how to bring a generator downstairs for power?

And what were all those chords for anyway? It's not like they had a television or a microwave for popcorn down there. There wasn't even a table or a sexy poster of terrorist mom for inspiration.

Aww. Tony got reinstated with Jack's help! Tony cried a little and Jack smiled. If you took out the music by Sean Callery (the first three seasons of music are available now!) and replaced it with the theme from Titanic, it could have been a Hallmark commercial.

"I read that card you slipped in my pocket while we were storming that room Jack. You really want me back?"
"Yes Tony. Hallmark doesn't lie. Not ever."

But the absolute best part of this entire episode was the wierd love triangle that formed around Jack, creepy husband Paul, and Sheryl Crow. I thought for sure Sheryl and creepy husband were gonna make out or something. It was also funny with Jack yelling at her to not go into the room alone because you know that's coming from CTU Agent Jack and Boyfriend Jack at the same time.

Appropiate Sheryl Crow song for this episode: "Picture" (w/ Kid Rock)
And this time I don't even need to mess with the lyrics!

"I called you last night at the hotel/ Everyone knows but they won't tell/ But their half-hearted smiles tell me something/ just ain't right..."

I can see why she dumped Paul. He was creepy as is, but when he said that "Maybe we shouldn't be talking..." that made ME want to leave the room and wash my hands.

But then WHO-HA! Jack comes storming in yelling "Get your hands off of her!" Is there a fantasy Jack hasn't experienced yet today? He robbed a 7-11, stormed a compound that was being fired at with missiles, saved his girlfriend, related with Terrorist mom, and climbed down a laundry shoot.

The only thing left is for him to ride a donkey drunk off Jack Daniels with the American flag wrapped around him and singing "We are the Champions...of the world!" And believe me, the rate this season is going, it's coming.

An Offbook Conversation

3 p.m. to 4 p.m.
2/14/05

And here I thought I wasn't going to cry on Valentine's Day.

Edgar's mom! That was gut-wrenchingly heartbreaking. It was even worse when you saw she was still alive at the end of the episode. I guess they are gonna milk all the tears they can. Maybe Edgar will pass the phone around CTU so his mom can say how proud she and her husband are of everyone. It's the opposite of a drunk call at 2 a.m., though it still ends with everyone in tears.

And heed Edgar's words. Be rich or a politician because those are the only people the National Guard or police care about. So attractiveness, fame, and talent have gone out the window. Either win the lottery or hire Karl Rove (I hear he's up for an even BIGGER challange and it will be a reality show called "Extreme Makeover: an American President").

Terrorist mom's sister is cheating on her husband with a half-naked white guy that speaks with a slight southern drawl? After Terrorist Dad threw him back in the room he probably sat down and added a lyric to the ever-expanding "Friends in Low Places" by Garth Brooks.

"I was having some fun, you came with a gun, and ruined my dirty affair. With the sound of a thud, and no Muslim blood, I was the last one you thought you'd see there..."

And you have to be doing something really foul to have someone who is willing to kill millions, his wife and his son to be disgusted by you. "You cheated? Jeez, you're horrible. I wish they would send people like you to Gitmo."

Begging for drugs at the hospital never works, especially when you're 17, sweating, and possess a brillohead that for some reason looked extra poofy this time. Maybe they wanted him to look high. He definitely ran like he was high.

After the PSA's last week, it's nice to see the show bring forth another Muslim stereotype to the forefront. So far, we have the terrorist and the doctor. A trip to the local 7-11 to visit Barooz's cousin Raheeb for a round of raspberry slurpees should complete the trifecta.

That was pretty silly for Barooz to start yelling "We've killed people!" right in the middle of the hospital. That's druggie talk and once you do that, they NEVER give you drugs. In fact, he should have walked in their holding his ass and just whimpered "I need something for the pain." No one would have questioned it because everyone would be too busy laughing.

Nice entrance by Terrorist Dad in the hallway, a la Terminator 2. Though he's got to feel really bad now that his son just told him to go to hell. That was just mean and he probably brought him to the basement so they could talk about their feelings about each other. Maybe next week Dr. Phil will guest star to help them out, which is what Tony meant when he said they should start the negotiating process. Dr. Phil is the best. You either submit to the angry bald man or you kill yourself. Either way, he always wins.

A big "that sucks" to those poor bastards exposed to the nuclear radiation. And I thought losing my cell phone on the ski mountain was a crisis. Heller must have felt hella dumb when he told those guys to get out of there. Didn't he see the flesh dripping off their skin?

"We'd like to leave but my skin is slipping off my face and I want to fix that up before I leave. I gotta meet my date in a couple hours at Chuck E. Cheese."

I liked Crafty Curtis changing documents. I hope he also adds "Doesn't wash her hands after she pees" on Maryanne's resume. If you're gonna discredit someone, you may as well attack their character as well. And that may even be worse than being a spy because not having good hygiene is unforgivable and gross.

Jack has found a new interrogation technique: relating. This worked even better than shooting someone in the leg.

"I totally get you wanting to blow up and kill half the people in this country. I have problems restraining myself all the time. Why, just a few hours ago I was at this 7-11 and..."

Did Tony really just want to go home? He really must really dig watching soccer on TV. Or maybe he just wants more beer. I'm surprised he hasn't brought up how he's going to be paid for his day of work. He probably needs the rent money.

And what was that shit with Jack getting hit by a car??? A CAR! Though he did make it believable with that slight little limp afterwards. I guess the car was a Volvo or something.

It's a good thing Barooz is getting all the terrorism out of his dirty Muslim blood now. If it doesn't happen at 17, it won't come out until youre early 40s and by that time, it won't be as much fun anymore.

But it looks like no matter what happens, Terrorist Mom is going to have a "good news" day. Either Americans die or her son and her start a new life. If she ever gets that slurpee, she'll be in heaven.

"Actually, I'm unemployed"

2 p.m. to 3 p.m.
2.7.05

Tony had the best lines and it's probably so new people can warm up to him. We'll see him scrowl when he sees Michelle (the ex wife) for the first time...which leads to...

SHE LEFT HIM!?!!!

Oh wait he has a drinking problem, though I see nothing wrong with opening a beer at 2 in the afternoon to watch spanish soccer. I wish Tony was playing quarters by himself or waiting for the guy to yell "GOOOOOOOAAAALLLLL!!!" so he could chug his entire beer. And it's nice to see the Cub's mug back into play. That was for all the 24 dorks from season one.

And what's this about President Palmer and Jack getting Tony out of prison? I hope it was a smash and grab job where Palmer had to take out a couple of guards while screaming "Allstate can't help you now!"

(the actor that plays Palmer is the same guy who does those annoying Allstate commercials)

I hope Michelle is dating some loser enraging Tony even more and allowing him to say "I saved your ass and went to prison so you could date this doofus?" Better yet, maybe Michelle's gay now because no man could replace Tony. A woman on the other hand...

Prediction: Tony will get his job back...as Michelle's office boy toy.

Edgar is by far my favorite character now with his rolly-polly ways. I liked his little shuffle as he was trying to run away from Maryanne. Though I'm surprised she didn't just point him in another direction. He was already moving and it would have been hard for him to stop on a dime and change direction. He would have ended up on his back with all four limbs in the air, like a confused turtle.

I am now waiting for Edgar to body-slam someone into a wall. He may be stout, but the boy's got some muscle under that frame. But don't worry Sarah, he's a teddybear after that.

The Jack and Audrey romance is over...It's all about Edgar and Sarah now. (cue "Hungry Eyes" from Dirty Dancing...One look at you and I can't disguise i got...) By the way, your welcome for getting that song stuck in your head for the entire day.

CTU gets an F- for torture so far. They have yet to inflict one ounce of successful torture. In fact, Jack has been the only one who has successfully extracted any information out of someone and it was only because he shot some fool in the leg. Less torture. More shooting in legs.

Finally, Curtis gets some action and he gets to arrest his ex-girlfriend, every scorned man's dream. He also gets the best "What the..." face award for his reaction after Maryanne was knocked out from the explosion of her car. Curtis looked like he had never seen a car blow up before, as if to say "I didn't know those buttons could make the car explode! I'm glad I ride a bike."

Poor Sarah stuck in the torture chamber. Maybe the shocks to her system will get her brain going and she'll be smarter. Let's hope anyway because her "But Miss DRISSCCOOOLL!!" yelping wasn't winning her any brownie or style points.

I think we now know the truth about Terrorist Dad. He's gay and is all about his boss. (Hmm apparently there is a homosexual theme today for some reason. I wonder if that means I'm...NO WAIT!) Today wasn't about terrorism. It was about the universal language of love. Did you not see the longing in his eyes when he said "I promise you that by the end of the day, my wife and son will be dead"? He wants to live the Terrorist version of the American Dream: kill your loving family and nail your boss up against a wall.

And speaking of bad and sexy Muslims, the Jack Bauer (he tried to play it off that his name was Kiefer or some shit like that) PSA about Muslims being our friends was awesome. Though it would have been more effective if they were playing "We Are the World" in the background and ended with an uncomfortable handshake with Jack and Barooz.

(This apparently was in response to the enormous amount of mail FOX got from Muslim groups about the portrayal of a Muslim family being a terrorist cell in the US. I'm going to try to provoke my own PSA by writing a letter a day to FOX saying I don't appreciate the way Chinese people are portrayed on 24 until they make Bauer do another PSA about a character that doesn't even exist).

"BBBAAAAAAHHHHHHHHRRRROOOOOOZZZ!!!"

That's mom again. She's moved on from screaming "TONY!" to yelling Barooz in one long shrielk into the phone which inevitably ends in a howl.

Barooz, AKA Oedipus, is now living the teenage American Dream: disowning your father and driving your bullet-wounded mother to the emergency room, only to avert trained police officers with a quick throw-shirt-over-bloody-part manuver he no doubt saw on an old MacGyver episode. Next up? A stop at Disneyland because no one looks for criminals there.

Who's this crazy chic Jen who lives with the Tony? Can't he just live with a dog or something? Does he really need a roommate for the cheaper rent? He's only drinking Bud and, besides his computer, doesn't seem to have anything fancy. Well, there was that haircut and jacket. And how does an ex-convict from FEDERAL prison have a pistol at his house?

BTW, my new hobby will be busting into people's homes with a gun and demanding to use their computer. "I need mapquest, AOL IM, and a funny picture of a lion roaring on your screen NOW!"

And what's Audrey doing telling Jen that she would have his boss killed? All of a sudden she has a sense of humor? It must be from all the running around and high stress from the day. I liked her sexy pose on the couch. If this day ever ends, Bauer is gonna get sooooo lucky.

Sheryl Crow song for this episode: "All I wanna do, is have some fun."

Sweet ass ending, especially for an episode that was full of laughs. The white stooge is dead and I barely knew his name. One tear.

Speculation on who the sniper is
a. Chloe (she was planning to quit CTU to become a hired assassin)
b. Driscoll's schitzo kid (she's sane when she holds a gun)
c. Edgar's evil twin, setting up a rolly-polly-royal-rumble for the final episode
d. a Muslim...a damn dirty Muslim (this proves PSAs accomplish NOTHING)

I love how Tony drank a beer and then was all ready to bust out his gun and do some damage. It would have been better if he was trashed. Then next week's PSA would be Tony saying

"I know it looked pretty badass with me drinking a beer and then running around with a gun. And, truth be told, it was. We here at 24 just want you to remember that not all Musilims are bad. Some of them are our friends, while others are our enemies. But once you buy this new 24 Muslim decorder from me for a mere $24.95, you'll be able to tell the difference. And the world, mine and yours, will be a safer place."

I heard Bush already ordered the first box.

Diverting Suspicion...from my ass

1 p.m. to 2 p.m.
1.31.05

The override...

People must feel really dumb whenever they have to explain what this device does to the nuclear power plants. "Yea, see it's called an override and, uh, it, you know, over rides the security. Yes, I'm aware it's fairly obvious...eat me."

Heller does look tired and needs a hug.

The second I saw Mya on the TV yelling about how schitzo she was, I wanted her to die. Little did i know that the gods of 24 would heed my crazy plea. Now who switched the files? Maybe it was Chloe. Or maybe CTU is just that disorganized. A division of the government screwing up documents? never. That's right Fran-Tom Ridge.

Speaking of being suspicious, how the hell is sassy Aisha Tyler, (aka MOLE!), supposed to "divert suspicion"? Is that equivalent to farting in a crowded room and then immediately saying, "Dude, that was NOT me!" It's a shame cheerleader girl, who's only talent seems to be walking around and upsetting people, doesn't get that she's being set up.

Best quote of the night: "I've got low blood sugar...I feel faint."

I knew it...he's really freaking hungry. Edgar Styles (which by the way, how did some doofus get the cool last name of Styles?) deserves a chicken burrito, preferably from Taco Bell. Maybe that will give him some confidence or at least rid him of his speech impediment. Or maybe he talks like that because the breakfast burrito is still lodged between his jaw so he can suck on it from time to time. Ok, now I want a burrito.

Wimpiest quote of the night: "She's breaking my heart..."

WHAT?

I wish Heller slapped him across the face and said "You're worse than my son. It's time for torture. It won't really work, but it sure as hell will piss you off."
Husband Paul gave Bauer a nice glare when he said that Audrey was his wife. Didn't this love triangle happen on That 70s Show too? I'm starting to think that really is Topher Grace and that Fez, Hyde, and Kelso are going to show up in the interrogation room smoking weed.

Smooth move with the "I'm sorry" and "I'm wrong" speech to Sheryl Crow...if only I knew that trick in high school/college. Apparently it worked since it garnered a "That's fair" from Sheryl Crow (which translates to a pity lay in the future) which in turn got "How far are we?" from Jack (which translates to "Urge to kill...rising.")

It was also funny seeing Jack and Audrey trying not to makeout with each other in the back of the van...ah, memories of high school, yet again.

Terrorist Dad is a bastard. I'm starting to think that BrilloHead isn't really his son and that's why he's so willing to knock him off. Perhaps that was an extra bonus he had planned in his busy day of terrorism.
Hooray for Terrorist Mom fighting off pops and trying to help her boy. BrilloHead was funny with his whiney "Mom...he tried to kill me!"

(My mum said she would NEVER try to kill me. "Oy Chester. After 9 months in my belly how could I kill you?" How indeed.)

Terrorist Dad was foolish to leave the mom alone with her son. Apparently, he knows nothing about the connection between child and mom. If had any brains, he would have rigged the car with a bomb so that both of them would die. He already told her that nothing would get in the way of his day. He's such a dumbass.
I bet when he got in the car with the two other thugs, he immediately went "Man, never, I mean NEVER have any kids if you wanna have this life. They will just fuck up your day."

Sidenote: Maybe no one on this show should have kids since they all end up nuts. (Schitzo girl, BrilloHead, tortured son

Yea and about tortured son, what the hell? He never spilled any beans? Apparently this new "torture" technique that Curtis used , um, sucks. All Bauer needs is a lead pipe and a minute with the boy to find out the dark secret of his personal life.

Speculation of dark secret: Likes to play monopoly...by himself.

And finally, The only person I can trust...
YAY FOR TONY!

Though I have to admit I was looking forward to seeing Jack pistol whip everyone in the warehouse. Alas, i'm sure there will be some pistol whipping before the season is through.

Brief summary on the Tony: He used to work for CTU (He had ugly Driscol's job sans Schitzo kid) and was married to Michelle, another CTU agent. When his wife was kidnapped, terrorists forced Tony to re-direct a group of agents so that a suspect could escape a building. Michelle was safe, but when CTU found out what he did, he was arrested and was going to go to prison (this is where season 3 ended). Tony scowls a lot and is a half-Bauer. (half the time he's like Bauer, the other half he's pissed off that he's not).

So how did Tony get there so fast? Here's a quick list of options to pick from:
a. He just so happened to be on break from the Starbucks across the street and took the "Starbuck's Gun" from under the counter.
b. Jack's funny-yet-serious text message got his attention: screwed again. 2 or 3 guys, bring ur gun. got a new GF, she's hot. i luv u
c. He never went to prison and is now working with the Burbank division of CTU which consists of only two guns and a donkey. So naturally when the donkey is taking a nap, he's pretty bored with an itchy trigger finger.
d. Jack heard Tony was planning to break out of prison that day and knew he would be running by the area pretty soon. May as well help a brutha out.

Seriously, they must have a code word for "being pinned down in a warehouse and I need you to get over here to kill people so I can escape." Tony's acting on a lot of faith, especially for someone with his past.

Then again, it is Jack. The Bauer could call and ask me to run around and sing that Lindsey Lohan song and I'd do it. It could be for national security or to give the Bauer a chuckle. Either way, it would be worth it.