Citizen on Patrol

11 a.m. to noon
1.23.06

You can't use a gun to kill Jack Bauer. At the very least you need a shotgun, a wild boar, and a dancing clown (to scare and confuse him into submission) to even have a shot at taking Bauer down. If not, all you'll do is crack the man's rib and he's lived with a pair of blue balls and electronic clamps on his nipples. I think he'll survive.

Spencer was in Internal Affairs, which can only be another jab at Chloe having sex this season. I was quite disappointed that there was no torture scene where Spencer would weep like a little girl. Either they got that memo from McCain or they figured seeing Chloe's "O" face was torture enough.

At least Edgar got a date out of all this. Once the day is over, he gets to know all of Chloe's secrets. Here's a short list of what to expect:

-she was featured on MTV's Made where she spent two grueling months trying to become a cheerleader (she didn't make it)
-she's a MAC user who secretly wants to buy a Dell
-refuses to eat cereal or hot pockets. Also refuses to give reasons as to why

It's still suspect whether or not Edgar will get to go on his date, especially since the odds of a fat man getting what he wants is quite low (unless that something is an extra large with everything on it. Then he's golden).

Catfight Level: Blue (Homeland Security has been notified and the National Guard has been put on stand-by.)

I really thought it was going to happen between Curly Sue and Sheryl Crow, especially after this exchange.

"Did you know him before?"
"Yea, I knew him before…he liked whores with curly hair."

POW! They hit the floor, the catfight alarm goes off, and Edgar starts making bets. Just one minute of cat-fighting is all that is keeping this show from being deemed the greatest of all time, surpassing Saved by the Bell and Coach.

Jack's been forgiven for killing Sheryl Crow's husband, but I bet she still pissed about the time he left the toilet seat up. Women can get over most mistakes, but they'll never forget a wet ass in the morning…especially if you forgot to flush.

Crazytown is being sent to the one place crazy people don't want to go: Vermont. Its hippie-living ways and ice cream only intensifies the craziness and often results in a person killing themselves or requesting a frontal lobotomy done by a cross-eyed lumberjack with a butter-knife. Cross-eyed lumberjacks are one of the three things the state is famous for. The other two are drugs and skiing.

Again, she becomes smart half-way through the episode (haha and she's played by the actress Jean Smart! Ok I'm a dork. Screw you all). But after that bottle of pills (probably Pez. I've heard Pez calms you down) she has enough sense to quietly sneak out the window. Yea, and Mulan packing her bag didn't hear anything? She's playing dumb or she's deaf. Either way, she's perfect for the White House.

I was also hoping for a shot of Crazytown running up the street with her arms flailing in the air. But I was already denied a cat fight earlier, so I'm getting used to disappointment.

Walt's creepy and not because he's going against the president or because he wants to kill Bauer. He touched Crazytown…and I'm starting to think he liked it. Maybe this isn't about terrorism after all. Maybe it's about love. Maybe Walt was so blinded by his love for Crazytown that he hatched this crazy plan to steal nerve gas and alter her call with Palmer.

All that, just so she would finally notice him. Sure it's ill conceived, but it's also devastatingly romantic. I may have just uncovered the greatest Valentine's Day present ever…scratch that, I just made myself puke. Actually that's a good present to give to someone you hate. Hmm….

They staged a hostage situation for nerve gas? Wouldn't it have been easier to feed a dozen fat guys beans and hot sauce and let them loose in the city? I guess I was wrong. Fat men's dreams can come true. Edgar may still have a chance.

Nerve gas. It's not as powerful as the nuke, but in terms of annoying the crap out of you, it's right up there with reruns of MASH and the drunk guy at the party. Or maybe the nerve gas will be used to purchase something worse like naked pictures of Donald Rumsfeld. Then the terrorists will plaster them everywhere and watch as people throw themselves off of bridges to escape the horror.

But now they've sniffed out the patsy in CTU and the mole in the White House. And though they don't have evidence, they have Bauer, a citizen on patrol who only answers to the little man inside of him. And the little man is telling him that it'll be a cold day in hell before he takes orders from a Goonie. I fully expect this to be like Police Academy 4, only this time I'll be laughing.