My Balls are on Fire

9 a.m. to 11 a.m.
1.16.06

I love Jack Bauer's satchel and I can't wait to see what else he has in that bag of tricks. I'm sure Old Navy will capitalize on it and start selling the Freedom Satchel next fall for $29.99. So far he's procured sunglasses, a camera phone, and a scope. I expect to see ninja stars and maybe a voodoo doll of President Logan soon.

Logan still reminds me of Nixon, with his big ears and rounded nose. Is it just a coincidence that there has already been something involving tapes and an office break-in for documents? At this rate we should be seeing more paranoia and some guy named Deepthroat hiding in the shadows.

I'm going to scream louder than any woman ever has in the next three seconds if you don't give me that key card. - Martha "I don't respect societal boundaries" Logan

I'm sure all of America was empathizing with urinal-guy because no one wants to see Crazytown show even a little skin. In fact, we won't feel safe until it's socially acceptable for people to wear bags over their head.

All her power comes from that right boob. It was exposed when she got the keycard from urinal-guy and it was the only one she trusted to hold the evidence she found. And how did she get sly all of a sudden? She knew to wait to talk to Logan and even put forth some degree of sleekness. It's either the drugs or she's bipolar since she went right back to being Crazytown towards the end, only to be robbed by Walt the Molester.

And how did she expect her assistant to cover for her when she sneaked out? There's only one way to successfully cover for a crazy person and that's to take an obscene amount of LSD.

But that's all secondary to the madness that is happening in the airport. Isn't it fitting that at first no one could find the baggage claim guy? He's been tossed away, like a forgotten piece of luggage. He should be left to rot with the ones he kept captive. I know the blue backpack I lost in New York City when I was eight would have wanted it that way.

It's sad that guy got shot just for trying to use his cellphone. He wasn't going to call the police. He, like everyone else there, was dying to text message this to all his friends:

Wtch Fxnews. Totally hostage rt now. Tel Oprah I wnt 2 b on her show

What the hell kind of phone did Bauer have? You're a part-time oil rigger who mends broken fences and you have the bank to get that thing? He should suffer like the rest of us with the fuzzy, pixilated photos that get spewed out of regular camera phones. Then again, maybe Curly Sue is really a suga-mama.

Yea, the mom is Curly Sue now because she has naturally curly hair and shrieks like a five-year-old. Though it wasn't Teri Bauer bad (Where's Kim? Where's Jack? I don't know who I am!), it didn't help her hotness level. She goes down to a seven, leaving her deadlocked with Sheryl Crow. Unless she gets sassy or starts shooting guns, she may lose Jack forever.

Which brings us to a name change for Emo Boy who, thanks to his crying and childish actions (I wanna tell Jack something!), he is now Hanson, the boy whose head was almost Mmmbopped off. At least the terrorist coached Hanson on how to breathe while kneeling in a puddle of blood. He must have thought he was part of the Hansons too. I heard they did have worldwide appeal, despite sounding like singing cheerleaders.

And if you remember correctly, Hanson was cool for about ten seconds before everyone wanted to kill them, which is the dilemma Jack had to deal with hiding out in the vents. He should have went with his gut and yelled "Just shoot him!" out of the vent.

Logan was even more annoying during the crisis. He acted like a ten-year-old who just found out the magician who makes balloon dinosaurs and farts out candy wasn't going to be at his birthday party.

But daddy, I want my summit now! -President Charles "Watch my eyes pop out of my skull" Logan

An anti-terrorism alliance is what he's been working on for the past 16 months? I mean, threatening a ban on gay marriage, nominating unqualified people to the Supreme Court, or even starting a war I can understand. That shit takes time.

But an anti-terrorism alliance is the weakest move that can be done in the playground of international relations. It never works because eventually the special needs kids (Iran, N. Korea, Cuba) gang up on the popular kids (USA, UK, Russia) once they finally get their hands on water balloons (it's tough to get figure out when to stop putting water in those things). Then the only people who are left are the honor students (Canada, France), only because they kept out of the entire thing.

There's a bottle of Absolute Vodka I have been saving in the freezer for a special occasion and tonight I finally broke it out because it looks like in the world of 24, Cold War II is unfolding.

These guys don't want money, they just want the alliance to be stopped. To top it off, they walk around with vests armed with explosives, which is a pretty accurate depiction of how workers are treated in Russia. (Ah, let the commie jokes begin.) Even though it's just television, Joe McCarthy is giggling in his grave and scrawling "I told you so" on the side of his coffin.

Again Jack is thwarted with the one thing that gets him every time: personal relationships. Why can't he just live alone? Then he'd be free to kill anyone and sacrifice as many innocents as he wanted.

I'm the reason all these people are going to die. -Derek "I don't know how to breathe properly" Huxley

I'm pretty sure that's a B-side on one of the Hanson albums too. Even scarier than that is the fact that now CTU has no clue what to do without Jack. With the amount of hi-jinks and cock-eyed theories these people come up with, how the hell did this place not implode in the past 18 months?

Without Jack, our success rate is less than 20 percent. -Chloe "I want you to want me" O'Brien

Even if Jack was blind, lost the use of his left hand, and possessed only one working testicle, CTU's success rate would still be over 50 percent. Without the him, they have no plan and that's a shame. Just ask a Philadelphia Eagles fan and they'll tell you how dumb it is to build an offense around one player.

So what do you do when the game is on the line? You do what any fighting Irish man or woman would do. You send that lovable Rudy in from the bench.

Hello Mr. Buchanan. I'll need your office Mr. Buchanan. -Lynn "I just graduated from high school" McGill

You can't blame Rudy for being so formal. He's been yelling "Mr. Frodo!" for the past four years. And besides he's only there because he's searching for One-Eyed Willy's other treasure map. Once he finds it, he'll blow his official Goonie whistle and Chunk, Data, and Mouth will soon be at his side, ready for action. Maybe a Fratelli will show up too just to see what's going on.

Rudy already had his day on the field (one sack recorded, less than two minutes playing time, one glorious movie), so now he wants to coach. But old man Buchanan isn't having it. He even treats Rudy like a child by giving him what he wants and sending him back to his room.

That only gave him time to think and where, I suspect, he brought out his trusty inhaler and took a couple of sucks before reading the transcripts. Only a Goonie would be able to figure out the hidden distress code from the Bauer and in classic Goonie fashion (No sign! No sign!), he saves the day in the last minute.

It's easy for everyone at CTU to forget that Flank Two Position was a distress code, especially since CTU updated to the more catchy "My balls are on fire" that is used extensively today

Come in from the north entrance at your own discretion, there are four armed targets, the hostages are to the southeast… my balls are on fire.

With the terrorists all dead and Jack shooting a gun out of someone's hand (marking the 512th time in my 24-watching career that I yelled "WHAT?" at the television screen), it's time to go home to CTU where his two girlfriends will meet (catfight. CAT. FIGHT.) and where his attention will turn to the infamous Yellow Tie Man and a crate full of what looks large thermos bottles.

Oh yea, and he's being brought into custody because the Bauer can't save people without pissing someone off. He even had to give up his Freedom Satchel, which will be hard to replace since Old Navy doesn't replace anything.