To The Pain

Noon to 1 p.m.
1.30.06

There is a special division within the government that allows ordinary citizens to become part of the political process. These people are called interns. Sometimes their job is as simple as getting the coffee or donating bodily organs to Dick Cheney. Other times it's creating a sex scandal so the American public is too interested in the word "blowjob" instead of the word "Somalia."

Jack Bauer has now joined the prestigious group known as Washington DC Interns.
He's unpaid, he's second-guessed by everyone, and, like most interns, is completely unnoticed until he either screws something up or kills someone.

It was nice to see the reunion of Novick and Jack, especially when it came from a secretive text message. As always, Jack still has to learn how to save time with texts. The "Tell no one" could have easily been replaced with a "Shh!" smiley that comes standard with any chat program.

It's still amazing that with everything going on, the show finds time to squeeze in a love triangle. Even more amazing than that? I care about it.

The little girl inside of me was slowly curling up into a ball when Jack said he was still in love with Sheryl Crow. I may have even allowed a tiny "aww" to escape my lips when he growled "I've never stopped loving you" into the phone. Though after that I rammed my testicles into the closet door and threw down a couple of shots of Jack Daniels just to feel like a man again.

Whenever a girl wants to talk about her feelings, it's at the worst possible time. Not even a secret political meeting will deter a girl from putting off the "Do you still love me?" conversation. Guys don't have feelings. We consistently ram our balls into things to make sure of it.

It's a shame Curly Sue and Hanson never knew the crazy, every-second-counts-so-make-me-a-sandwich Jack Bauer. They only knew Frank Flynn, a boring guy who liked to mend fences and enjoyed Lifetime movies.

At least Curly Sue knew what she was up against, thanks to how Jack and Sheryl Crow were looking at each other. Women can tell two things from looks: how you feel about someone and what kind of mess you made in the bathroom. Incidentally, the looks for "You make me sad" and "I missed the toilet…again" are the same.

It's a good thing there was a video to explain to people what happens when you get exposed to nerve gas. I'm sure a small part of Logan was thinking it only made you nervous for a couple of hours.

But are we so dumb that a video on the affects of nerve gas is warranted? Couldn't an ambiguous "That shit will fuck you up" suffice? And why do I keep thinking nerve gas emits an awful kind of smell? If it doesn't, then I think it should.

According to the video, you feel disoriented before you start losing control of your senses and hit the floor. There has to be more than that. I'm going to feel like that ten minutes into the State of the Union.

Other things that have the same affect on me as nerve gas:

-The State of the Union
-Renaissance Fairs
-Reruns of MASH

Crazytown is doing what she can to get the truth out and that's by playing an impromptu game of hide-and-seek. And quite poorly I might add. Hiding in the stables never works, unless you look or smell like a horse.

And besides, everyone knows the best place to hide is your dad's closet where there's always a chance to find porn, firearms, or drugs. If you grew up in my house, you found the Communist Manifesto, which is like porn except sexier.

The nerve gas was never going to Moscow (the Cold War is still dead. The wait for Red Dawn II continues). Instead, it's heading to southeast Asia to prove to the world that the terrorists there have WMDs, allowing the US to throw more "peacekeeping" troops over there, which in turn will ensure future generations oil.

Yea, there's no way that sort of plan could backfire. That's as foolproof as introducing democracy to a country and not letting the terrorist group garner a political seat.

It's fitting that prior to the nerve gas, there was only one storage unit with medical supplies going to Southeast Asia. It's not like that region of the world needs medical supplies. I'm sure they would all be happier with magazines and day-old donuts instead. Why does the world hate the US again? Oh right, we kick ass in the Olympics.

It was about time Old Man Buchanan ripped into Rudy about being too young. At least the old man gave the whippersnapper some advice.
"You need experience, you need to make decisions faster, and you need a name change.
I can't respect a boy named Lynn. I can only kill them. (old man pauses and looks off into the distance) All male Lynns must die."

"You've read my file, so you know what I'll do. First, I'll take your right eye and then your left…"

Bauer is referencing fighting to the pain, a technique from the movie the Princess Bride, where one leaves the victim completely deformed except for his ears.

"So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, 'Dear God! What is that thing,' will echo in your perfect ears."

(Next week: Jack Bauer engages in a land war with Asia and goes against a Sicilian when death is on the line, only to live to tell about it.)

Though in the world of 24, To the Pain involves a box cutter to the eye and getting yelled at by Jack Bauer. I'm actually surprised Cummings' girlfriend didn't call him in the middle of it. Her telling him she wanted to talk about her feelings would have completed the trifecta of pain and left Cummings yelling "Just take the eye!"

That's right girls, guys will do ANYTHING to get out of talking about their feelings.