The Plight of Senior Citizens

4.24.06
1 a.m. to 2 a.m.

In the past, 24 has taken aim at women, proving to the world through characters like Nina, Sherry, and Kim that they were evil and shouldn't be trusted. Tonight, the show took aim at another demographic that has plagued this land for too long: Senior Citizens.

They babble, they know too much about a time you don't care about, and they drive on sidewalks. Since setting up CTU 2.0, Old Man Buchanan has given Scowl Face the run of his house, complete with hard wood floors, a fireplace (old people are cold all the time), and a "pathetic computer" (another staple of the senior citizen).

He's also been bumped down in rank, which is pretty sad since it is his house. All he does now is make coffee and answer the phone, making him a glorified secretary. Within a week, he'll be in a nursing home screaming about conspiracies and how the government is out to get him.

And though he's quick to put the phone on speaker when it rings (Scowl Face is incapable of moving her hands off a laptop), any common chimp can do that. Some can even offer you advice. All Buchanan can do is press the button and look confused, as if he's unsure where the sound is actually coming from.

Jack is trained to do things at certain sounds too, like when he hears a fire alarm, he knows it's finally time to take a piss on the fire that's nearby (Bauer's urine can't be wasted in a urinal). Or when he hears the sound of silence, he fires a gun.

But when he hears the sound of a cell phone, he picks it up, not caring if it's off a dead man or in someone's purse. It's part of his curious nature. He can't help it. In this instance, the call was somewhat for him. Secretary of Dumbness Heller was calling in after getting chewed out by the president. You don't betray Bauer. Bauer betrays you, craps on your cat, and hides your remote control in a cave on a mountain.

Bauer turns to Scowl Face to direct him to Anti-Bauer and soon finds him driving blissfully on a mountain road after just speaking with Logan about how cautious he is and how he's keeping the recording.

Anti-Bauer: "If I so much as trip over a toolbox and I think of you, that recording is coming out."

Jack sees him and proceeds to ram him with the stolen cop car that he's still able to drive because dead cops tell no tales.

Ironic Moment of the Night: a quick shot of the cop car showing the words "To Protect and To Serve" after plowing Anti-Bauer's car into a barn.

Bauer finally has his nemesis, but like old people with no health insurance, Anti-Bauer has a contingency plan. The plan involves a helicopter assassinating Dumb Heller as he's driving his car. To make it more dramatic, a red dot of shame is shown on the Heller's chest to prove that he's marked for death and that he betrayed Bauer.

And, like most senior citizens when they find a strange red dot on their chest while driving, Heller floors it off the mountain road and plummets into the water. Hmm so that's all it takes to get them off the road. Thanks again 24, for opening my eyes.

Clearly driving off the road was the best option since killing a moving target from a helicopter is so easy. I mean it's not like he could have merely stopped the car and ran into the woods or anything.

With Papa Heller gone, Sheryl Crow has her first taste of vengeance (or maybe it's all the blood loss) and wants Anti-Bauer's blood spilled everywhere. Finally, I'm starting to see Sheryl Crow's angry side…and it's turning me on (or maybe it's all the blood loss. She's finally lost those pesky ounces and is now in the Nicole Richie Realm of fitness).

After getting shoved and mildly spit on, Anti-Bauer admits that he doesn't have the recording and soon, after Buchanan's pathetic PC catches up, it's revealed there was a meeting where the recording was apparently handed off to someone else. That person is heading back toward the airport. And that pisses Bauer off. (More people will die soon. Bauer was betrayed and lied to).

Bauer goes to the airport, leaving an emotional Sheryl Crow with a gun. Bauer doesn't deal with emotions. He wants you to work it out for yourself…which is why he left the gun. He also tells her not to use the phone unless it's him calling.

Bauer Power #13: No one can trace his cell phone calls. If they try, they keel over with explosive diarrhea

Anti-Bauer wakes up finally and suggests that Papa Heller could be alive and attempts to guilt Sheryl Crow into using her phone. The children of senior citizens are used to dealing with guilt, so naturally she's able to ignore his words. Though pointing a gun in his face and telling him to shut up also helps (another proven technique when dealing with seniors, especially when they miss their medication).

However, their location is found out by Anti-Bauer's men and soon Sheryl Crow is backed up into a corner, only to be grabbed from behind by Curtis (still liked him better when he was laid out on the sidewalk). Anti-Bauer's men are killed and he's taken into custody.

Only it doesn't matter. There's someone else who is more dangerous than Anti-Bauer and a recording. There's a new batch of terrorists (Led by Red from That 70s Show? For reals?*) and they are the ones working with the president "for the good of the country." And just like Red Forman, they don't trust women, especially crazy ones. Unlike Red Forman, they think about their kids to get through the day.

*Ah, I'm an idiot. Apparently it's the bald guy from ER. Red would have been much cooler.

But maybe that's because no one wants to go home to a screaming five year old and would rather wreak havoc on the country instead. As the Secret Service is discovering, anything is better than babysitting, especially when that baby is a howling Crazytown wondering where Aaron had run off.

"Where's Aaron? Who are you? Is this a hallway? Did I quit smoking again?"

The Secret Service handled her as they do with all screaming children. They locked her in a room in the hope that the screaming will stop. If it doesn't they are within their right to throw ice cream sandwiches at her until she does (no one likes getting pelted with ice cream).

Logan shows up and lays down the "horrible and ugly" truth. But instead of holding a mirror to her face like I thought he would, he tells her the truth. How the people that killed Palmer worked for him, that everything that happened today was for the good of the country, and that he routinely pisses all over the seat and sometimes on the White House dog.

Crazytown, predictably, freaks out and starts waving her hands in the air and pacing around the room like a drunken seagull. Once she's calm, she tells her husband she hates him (I hear it's one of those great milestones that few marriages get to experience) and that she promises to keep her mouth shut for the good, to protect the American public. She has also lost faith in her country.

Join the club. I lost faith when Arrested Development got cancelled and the price of gasoline started tapping into my coveted "porn fund."

Mum, who's visiting me this week, also had this to say about Logan: He's a rat! (pauses for dramatic effect) A big fat black rat! Mum hates rats...and evil white men (EVM).

Also on mum's EWM list is Homeland Security man ("He creepy! And bad. Chloe is funny" -Mum) who tracked down Scowl Face to Old Man Buchanan's and is all set to bring down the pain.

Karen (she's not part of Homeland Security anymore because she's proven she can think independently) isn't buying the recent events and after hearing Novick's professional response that "It's been a strange night," she warns Scowl Face and Buchanan about the impending raid. Scowl Face refuses because Jack needs to find out who the hell is on the plane. That and no one (except Jack) can tell her what to do.

The mystery person with the recording is about to take off and Jack needs to find a way onto the plane. Conveniently, a service truck shows up and Jack hides on top of it because he knows the security detail is too lazy to climb the ladder to take a peak up there.

He then sneaks onto the plane using two bags of luggage and a brown hoody as cover. My faith in this country may be rattled, but my undying faith in hoodies will never die, as long as I can sneak onto planes with a Freedom Satchel full of weapons.