Secrets, Lies, and Eyebrows

11 p.m. to Midnight
4.10.06

Kids, at least in the world of 24, are utterly useless. They can't shoot guns, they cry all the time, they'll make you hop on one leg, and when you're not looking, they'll call your mortal enemy on the phone and tell them where you are. I'm actually surprised the medics showed up, since 911 operators are to assume all calls from children are merely part of the new game "Mommy's Dead" that's been sweeping grade schools around the country.

And are Mulan and her child dead? Or were they left in the hotel, Mulan passed out on the floor and her child crying into the void of open space? God I hate kids. They aren't the future of anything.

Mulan has served her purpose anyway because she told Jack and The Pain where the evidence was hidden. It's in a safe deposit box in a bank. The said recording has Logan and Anti-Bauer on the phone talking about the hit on Palmer.

Logan, the crapbag that he is, was behind giving the terrorists the nerve gas "to make the country stronger and safer." (didn't he yell at Walt the mole for this? What the fuck?) That's like purposely giving someone cancer and saying "It'll build character."

This explains why Crapbag sucks so hard when it comes to thwarting terrorism. He wants the bomb to go off, the virus to break out, and the cheese to spoil in the fridge. Terrorism is just more fun. Maybe terrorism calms Crapbag down, like what Pilates does for normal people.

But Bauer can stop terrorism, which makes him the angry clown to Crapbag's fun terrorism party. Crapbag calls CTU and issues a warrant for the arrest of Bauer, thanks to "new evidence" that has come to light concerning the Palmer assassination. He can't say what it is, but assures Homeland Security that it's legit.

Crapbag could have just said Bauer was in the country illegally (he crossed the border from Mexico) and have him deported. Jack doesn't have a job and he's running around with a gun. That's more than enough to put him in a wheelbarrow and dump his ass back into Mexico.

And I saw the evidence Crapbag has on Jack. It's a drawing with a stick figure holding a gun (Jack) and another stick figure with his head blown off (Palmer). The Jack stick figure has the sinister eyebrows, letting you know that he meant to shoot Palmer. Sometimes eyebrows are better than DNA. Actually that's not true. It's always better.

Homeland Security is ranking right up there with irritating kids in 24 Land. They've taken over CTU and haven't done anything for the past two hours except fire people and constantly suspect Chloe whenever something weird happens. CTU could do that and find the bad guy at the same time.

Creepiest moment of the night: Crazytown coming back and kissing Crapbag. Ewwww. She said he was magnificent too, which was uncalled for (does she even know what it means?). I was really scared they were going to bang. Then again, maybe that's the only way to kill the president, with dirty, loud, messy, and awful sex with his wife.

Jack has called Sheryl Crow to let her know about Crapbag and insists that she get the help of her father, the Secretary of Ass-Kicking Heller. He's on a plane and can meet Sheryl Crow in an hour, right after his pre-midnight nap and some cookies.

Papa Heller: "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Sheryl Crow: "Papa, don't preach…"
Papa Heller: "You called me this morning to tell me Jack's alive. Now he's a suspect in the murder of Palmer? Can't you find a normal guy? Have you tried Myspace?"
Sheryl Crow: "That's where I found Walt. Which reminds me, I have to take Jack's profile off of MyDeathSpace" It really exists!

Sheryl Crow has left CTU and is now on her way to meet with Papa. Homeland Security is still suspicious of her and tracks her, but the tracking device is found (thanks to Scowl Face) and Sheryl Crow puts it on another vehicle.

Then they find her on satellite, but Scowl Face fixes that too, which enrages the Creep. He runs around CTU looking for Chloe only to find her coming out of the bathroom where he unintentionally sexually harasses her.

Creep: "What were you doing in there?"
Scowl Face: "I had a bean burrito with some corn for lunch. Figure it out."

(Random: What's up with the funky, energetic music on 24 now? It happened when Creep was walking around looking for Chloe. I felt like dancing and shooting a gun at the same time. This must be the music they play in LA clubs.)

Before Jack can meet up with Papa Heller, he needs to have the evidence in his hand. And in order to do that, he has to scare the shit out of the bank manager so that he'll open up the vault of treasures.

I like The Pain as Jack's new black partner. The Pain's got emotion and a shaved head. Curtis had a monotone voice and a perpetual look of fright on his face. Where is he anyway?

Jack takes out a lockpick from the Freedom Satchel, along with a small device that apparently tells the alarm system to go to sleep. (Seriously, did Jack just plan for another bad day with that satchel? And why didn't he pack a Powerbar?)

Bank Manager is in bed with his wife when he hears a sound. This is normal since men are always looking for an excuse to get out of bed with their wife, even for a non-existent sound.

Oh, but it's not the sound of silence. It's the sound of Bauer aiming a gun to your head and telling you to shut-up. Jack finds the wife and aims that gun at her too. She doesn't look too freaked out until The Pain shows up.

Reason #4 The Pain is a better sidekick: People are afraid of black guys, especially bald black guys holding a gun.

Before they go into the bank, Jack gets a call from Aaron, warning him of him being a criminal again. Jack, as always, takes it with a shrug and offers the good-hearted redhead the same advice he got on his wedding night.

"Keep your eyes open and watch your back."

The Three Amigos get inside the bank and into the vault. Bank Manager recognizes The Pain and realizes this isn't a regular robbery. He asks the Pain for the truth and it is given. Bank Manager's head starts to hurt from the realization.

The recording is found and it's exactly what Mulan said, a recording of Crapbag and Anti-Bauer talking about killing off Palmer. The Pain lets a couple of tears fall out of his eyes. Don't worry. That just fuels the rage for later.

This is also when Bank Manager is privy to the whole truth. It was subtle, but this is the point where his brain crapped all over itself. (You could tell from his eyebrows. Go ahead, watch it again).

The Three Amigos are set to leave, only now Anti-Bauer's men are outside of the bank, waiting to take down the trio as if they were trying to run for the border. Jack has a plan and it involves bringing in more cops, which will create a shoot-out a.k.a. diversion. Zombies also use this tactic of asking for more cops, but for them, it's food.

The diversion works and Jack shoots some of the bad guys before reliving his high school days and stealing a cop car. Bank Manager is now a patriot, one of the man that helped Bauer and died in the process. The Pain is upset at the death and pushes his feelings down further, adding to his stockpile of rage. Soon The Pain will unleash his fury.

And when he does, his eyebrows will be slanted up, because it means he'll finally be happy.