Revelations

Midnight to 1 a.m.
4.17.06

It's always hard to get the truth out of people. Sometimes it's because they are embarrassed about what they did or that they simply don't want to tell you about running over your dog…seven times.
But in the wee hours of the morning, the truth can be found almost everywhere. Go out one night and stay up past midnight. Once you do, and you're with someone with a secret, they are more apt to spill the info, as if the people who are capable of staying up late are trustworthy. Fools. The reason we stay up late is for all the secrets.

Old Man Buchanan knows this and is why he never went to sleep or crawl into the local old man pub to start bitching about the government taking his job.

Old Man Buchanan: (raises drink to this mouth) "Oh yea, I used to be a government agent. It's a tough racket." (Finally, a Mamet reference!)

Instead, he's waiting by the phone and saying "secret…secret" constantly inside his head. His madness works out for him as Bauer finally calls him for help. Bauer reveals the whole truth, which causes Buchanan's brain to explode and his eyes to widen. At least he's not crazy anymore.

Bauer tells Old Man to stash The Pain (Wayne Palmer) away somewhere safe since he could be a target. Not so much because he's involved with a huge government conspiracy, but because he's hanging out in a stolen police car and in LA, a black man can get shot fifty times for such an offense.
Buchanan knows just where to hide the Pain. It's in a neighborhood near his house where he buys crack on the weekends. No one will find him because no one wants to look there.

Refusing to toss the stolen cop car because the handling is "superb," Jack shows up at the airport where Sheryl Crow is having a family reunion with her father, Secretary of Defense Heller. It's after midnight and Heller isn't in the mood for secrets. He was on his way to an all-night bordello and does not like his plans changed. He's even more pissed when he sees Bauer pop out and asking for help.

A myriad of statements like "What the hell?" and "Hey now!" come out of Heller as the truth is revealed to him. As he hears the truth, he shifts his weight from side to side since revelations always causes his bowels to stir (that and once you're old as sin, your bowels do all sorts of funny things after midnight).

Bauer tells Heller to take the recording to the Attorney General and to use the evidence to bring Crapbag in. As Heller leaves, Bauer tells Sheryl Crow he's going to "go dark" for awhile, until the news breaks.

By the way, "going dark" is guy language for "I'm going to check out the seedy strip club in the bad part of town for a couple of hours." It can also mean they are going to start the all-dark diet where they eat nothing but dark meat. Both interpretations leaves you with a stomach flu.

Heller returns to the empty airport hanger and reveals to Bauer that he doesn't like being told what to do and thinks Jack is wrong. Though instead of saying it in a calm manner, he jabs Bauer in the throat and scolds him like an Iraqi terrorist.

Heller: "You don't do it this way! The US government would crumple. Is that what you want? Is it? Bad! Bad Bauer! You go away now!"

Jack yells back about Heller being wrong, but he doesn't hear him. Heller is already walking away, yelling at himself because once you've started a good yelling fit, they are impossible to stop. You don't stop yelling or peeing once you've started. It stings.

Back at CTU, Homeland Security engages in the only thing it knows how to do right: spy on Americans. In this case, they use Stupid Sheri as bait after Scowl Face isn't invited into a level three meeting.

Homeland Security listens in on the conversation and finds out that Scowl Face has been helping Sheryl Crow. They also notice that Stupid Sheri leaves her mouth open all the time, even when she's not talking.

Scowl Face is arrested and put into holding where Homeland Security creep yells for the truth (yelling doesn't help. Only hitting people with bullets or lamps does the trick). Before he leaves, Scowl Face uses weird hippie language to distract him so that she can swipe his keycard.

"You're not as mean as people think you are. Your aura is clean and shines like rocks in the river. Come with me, to the river, and we will write poetry with grass and trail mix."

Seriously, if a crack head and a tech geek can take those key cards, they are useless in terms of security.

Scowl Face escapes with a laptop and gets to threaten Stupid Sheri about telling everyone that she lies about sexual harassment and that she could end up with a psychiatric evaluation.

"And trust me, you wouldn't like it."

So that's why Scowl Face is crazy. She's a product of therapy…and a hippie upbringing.

Novick's been distracted for a couple of hours because he recently discovered his cell allows him to watch television. He's finally snapped out of it and confronts Crapbag about sending the military in to get Bauer instead of CTU drones (who will all eventually be killed either by bullets or falling down).

Crapbag yells at him for questioning his decision and at midnight no less. I hate it when people try to offer advice after midnight (I only want secrets) and only hear the first thing they say before I tune them out. When they ask me if I've been listening, I respond with "You make me want to die" or "You're not making any sense. You stop talking now Dad."

Scowl Face has left the building and is at Old Man Buchanan's place, which is now the home of CTU 2.0. It's smaller, but more efficient and with better bathrooms (Buchanan buys the soft toilet paper, not the coarse one-ply shit) and a higher brand of security that involves a secret knock (three quick taps and a hooting like an owl). Once Buchanan installs that special CTU ring on his phone, he'll be all set and better that CTU 1.0.

Heller calls up Crapbag and wants to talk about "You know what" with the president face-to-face. Crazytown suspects something is up and asks Agent Pierce for the 411. The redhead, talking out of the side of his mouth, tells Crazytown to meet him by the stables. She does and he stands her up, but sent his phone in his place.
I do that on dates all the time and it's hilarious, especially when they call it and see that I put in their name as "Big Foot" in my contact list.

Heller is still in his yelling mood and asks Crapbag what his "insane plan" was all about. Crapbag lays it all out, saying how everything was for the good of the country and that people will always need energy and won't stand for oil to reach $100 a barrel (wait, he's right. I'm already pissed it's over $70 a barrel).
So wait, this is all for cheaper gas? Hmmm, maybe Crapbag isn't so bad. I'd sacrifice Hilary Duff and the entire cast of The OC for a better deal at the pump.

But Crapbag isn't sacrificing annoying pretty people. He's killing real, ugly people (at a mall and an airport no less!) and as much as we don't want to look at them, they don't deserve to be murdered, at least by their government. Mafia hits are cool.

Bauer and Sheryl Crow are still restrained by plastic ties, which Bauer burns off thanks to a pipe on the ceiling (no plastic or woman can hold Bauer). He knocks out one guard and yells "Don't move" at the guy by the plane. Bauer gets the recording back, only to see Anti-Bauer's helicopter come down to attack him.

Bauer shoots at the helicopter with a pistol, convinced that a couple of bullets will actually take it down. He does manage to shoot a couple of guys coming off the plane (from 50 yards away and under a plane) and gives the guard his gun back to help (he doesn't and immediately dies. Bauer takes the gun back and farts on the man's useless, dead face). He gets rid of the rest of the men by shooting something and willing that thing to explode. Jack can make anything explode with his mind.

Anti-Bauer is in the hanger and has taken Sheryl Crow as a hostage. He and Bauer yell at each other in a political debate.

Bauer: "Dude, just tell me why."
Anti: "I'm protecting the integrity of the government"
Bauer: "But with Crapbag as president, there is no integrity in the government."
Anti: (silent) "Dammit you got me. Now your girlfriend loses an artery." (soft chuckling)

Scared Crow walks out between the two men with her arm dripping with blood. In three minutes, she will bleed to death through her arm. Bauer considers it, but realizes he doesn't want Heller to yell at him again and tosses the recording over to Anti-Bauer who runs off and calls Crapbag that the recording is back in their possession.

This leads to Crapbag accusing Heller of falsely accusing him with no evidence, allowing Crapbag to ask for his resignation. This enrages Heller even more and he soon comes to two revelations: Bauer is infallible and yelling, while fun, will eventually get you fired.