4.24.06
1 a.m. to 2 a.m.
In the past, 24 has taken aim at women, proving to the world through characters like Nina, Sherry, and Kim that they were evil and shouldn't be trusted. Tonight, the show took aim at another demographic that has plagued this land for too long: Senior Citizens.
They babble, they know too much about a time you don't care about, and they drive on sidewalks. Since setting up CTU 2.0, Old Man Buchanan has given Scowl Face the run of his house, complete with hard wood floors, a fireplace (old people are cold all the time), and a "pathetic computer" (another staple of the senior citizen).
He's also been bumped down in rank, which is pretty sad since it is his house. All he does now is make coffee and answer the phone, making him a glorified secretary. Within a week, he'll be in a nursing home screaming about conspiracies and how the government is out to get him.
And though he's quick to put the phone on speaker when it rings (Scowl Face is incapable of moving her hands off a laptop), any common chimp can do that. Some can even offer you advice. All Buchanan can do is press the button and look confused, as if he's unsure where the sound is actually coming from.
Jack is trained to do things at certain sounds too, like when he hears a fire alarm, he knows it's finally time to take a piss on the fire that's nearby (Bauer's urine can't be wasted in a urinal). Or when he hears the sound of silence, he fires a gun.
But when he hears the sound of a cell phone, he picks it up, not caring if it's off a dead man or in someone's purse. It's part of his curious nature. He can't help it. In this instance, the call was somewhat for him. Secretary of Dumbness Heller was calling in after getting chewed out by the president. You don't betray Bauer. Bauer betrays you, craps on your cat, and hides your remote control in a cave on a mountain.
Bauer turns to Scowl Face to direct him to Anti-Bauer and soon finds him driving blissfully on a mountain road after just speaking with Logan about how cautious he is and how he's keeping the recording.
Anti-Bauer: "If I so much as trip over a toolbox and I think of you, that recording is coming out."
Jack sees him and proceeds to ram him with the stolen cop car that he's still able to drive because dead cops tell no tales.
Ironic Moment of the Night: a quick shot of the cop car showing the words "To Protect and To Serve" after plowing Anti-Bauer's car into a barn.
Bauer finally has his nemesis, but like old people with no health insurance, Anti-Bauer has a contingency plan. The plan involves a helicopter assassinating Dumb Heller as he's driving his car. To make it more dramatic, a red dot of shame is shown on the Heller's chest to prove that he's marked for death and that he betrayed Bauer.
And, like most senior citizens when they find a strange red dot on their chest while driving, Heller floors it off the mountain road and plummets into the water. Hmm so that's all it takes to get them off the road. Thanks again 24, for opening my eyes.
Clearly driving off the road was the best option since killing a moving target from a helicopter is so easy. I mean it's not like he could have merely stopped the car and ran into the woods or anything.
With Papa Heller gone, Sheryl Crow has her first taste of vengeance (or maybe it's all the blood loss) and wants Anti-Bauer's blood spilled everywhere. Finally, I'm starting to see Sheryl Crow's angry side…and it's turning me on (or maybe it's all the blood loss. She's finally lost those pesky ounces and is now in the Nicole Richie Realm of fitness).
After getting shoved and mildly spit on, Anti-Bauer admits that he doesn't have the recording and soon, after Buchanan's pathetic PC catches up, it's revealed there was a meeting where the recording was apparently handed off to someone else. That person is heading back toward the airport. And that pisses Bauer off. (More people will die soon. Bauer was betrayed and lied to).
Bauer goes to the airport, leaving an emotional Sheryl Crow with a gun. Bauer doesn't deal with emotions. He wants you to work it out for yourself…which is why he left the gun. He also tells her not to use the phone unless it's him calling.
Bauer Power #13: No one can trace his cell phone calls. If they try, they keel over with explosive diarrhea
Anti-Bauer wakes up finally and suggests that Papa Heller could be alive and attempts to guilt Sheryl Crow into using her phone. The children of senior citizens are used to dealing with guilt, so naturally she's able to ignore his words. Though pointing a gun in his face and telling him to shut up also helps (another proven technique when dealing with seniors, especially when they miss their medication).
However, their location is found out by Anti-Bauer's men and soon Sheryl Crow is backed up into a corner, only to be grabbed from behind by Curtis (still liked him better when he was laid out on the sidewalk). Anti-Bauer's men are killed and he's taken into custody.
Only it doesn't matter. There's someone else who is more dangerous than Anti-Bauer and a recording. There's a new batch of terrorists (Led by Red from That 70s Show? For reals?*) and they are the ones working with the president "for the good of the country." And just like Red Forman, they don't trust women, especially crazy ones. Unlike Red Forman, they think about their kids to get through the day.
*Ah, I'm an idiot. Apparently it's the bald guy from ER. Red would have been much cooler.
But maybe that's because no one wants to go home to a screaming five year old and would rather wreak havoc on the country instead. As the Secret Service is discovering, anything is better than babysitting, especially when that baby is a howling Crazytown wondering where Aaron had run off.
"Where's Aaron? Who are you? Is this a hallway? Did I quit smoking again?"
The Secret Service handled her as they do with all screaming children. They locked her in a room in the hope that the screaming will stop. If it doesn't they are within their right to throw ice cream sandwiches at her until she does (no one likes getting pelted with ice cream).
Logan shows up and lays down the "horrible and ugly" truth. But instead of holding a mirror to her face like I thought he would, he tells her the truth. How the people that killed Palmer worked for him, that everything that happened today was for the good of the country, and that he routinely pisses all over the seat and sometimes on the White House dog.
Crazytown, predictably, freaks out and starts waving her hands in the air and pacing around the room like a drunken seagull. Once she's calm, she tells her husband she hates him (I hear it's one of those great milestones that few marriages get to experience) and that she promises to keep her mouth shut for the good, to protect the American public. She has also lost faith in her country.
Join the club. I lost faith when Arrested Development got cancelled and the price of gasoline started tapping into my coveted "porn fund."
Mum, who's visiting me this week, also had this to say about Logan: He's a rat! (pauses for dramatic effect) A big fat black rat! Mum hates rats...and evil white men (EVM).
Also on mum's EWM list is Homeland Security man ("He creepy! And bad. Chloe is funny" -Mum) who tracked down Scowl Face to Old Man Buchanan's and is all set to bring down the pain.
Karen (she's not part of Homeland Security anymore because she's proven she can think independently) isn't buying the recent events and after hearing Novick's professional response that "It's been a strange night," she warns Scowl Face and Buchanan about the impending raid. Scowl Face refuses because Jack needs to find out who the hell is on the plane. That and no one (except Jack) can tell her what to do.
The mystery person with the recording is about to take off and Jack needs to find a way onto the plane. Conveniently, a service truck shows up and Jack hides on top of it because he knows the security detail is too lazy to climb the ladder to take a peak up there.
He then sneaks onto the plane using two bags of luggage and a brown hoody as cover. My faith in this country may be rattled, but my undying faith in hoodies will never die, as long as I can sneak onto planes with a Freedom Satchel full of weapons.
4.25.2006
4.18.2006
Revelations
Midnight to 1 a.m.
4.17.06
It's always hard to get the truth out of people. Sometimes it's because they are embarrassed about what they did or that they simply don't want to tell you about running over your dog…seven times.
But in the wee hours of the morning, the truth can be found almost everywhere. Go out one night and stay up past midnight. Once you do, and you're with someone with a secret, they are more apt to spill the info, as if the people who are capable of staying up late are trustworthy. Fools. The reason we stay up late is for all the secrets.
Old Man Buchanan knows this and is why he never went to sleep or crawl into the local old man pub to start bitching about the government taking his job.
Old Man Buchanan: (raises drink to this mouth) "Oh yea, I used to be a government agent. It's a tough racket." (Finally, a Mamet reference!)
Instead, he's waiting by the phone and saying "secret…secret" constantly inside his head. His madness works out for him as Bauer finally calls him for help. Bauer reveals the whole truth, which causes Buchanan's brain to explode and his eyes to widen. At least he's not crazy anymore.
Bauer tells Old Man to stash The Pain (Wayne Palmer) away somewhere safe since he could be a target. Not so much because he's involved with a huge government conspiracy, but because he's hanging out in a stolen police car and in LA, a black man can get shot fifty times for such an offense.
Buchanan knows just where to hide the Pain. It's in a neighborhood near his house where he buys crack on the weekends. No one will find him because no one wants to look there.
Refusing to toss the stolen cop car because the handling is "superb," Jack shows up at the airport where Sheryl Crow is having a family reunion with her father, Secretary of Defense Heller. It's after midnight and Heller isn't in the mood for secrets. He was on his way to an all-night bordello and does not like his plans changed. He's even more pissed when he sees Bauer pop out and asking for help.
A myriad of statements like "What the hell?" and "Hey now!" come out of Heller as the truth is revealed to him. As he hears the truth, he shifts his weight from side to side since revelations always causes his bowels to stir (that and once you're old as sin, your bowels do all sorts of funny things after midnight).
Bauer tells Heller to take the recording to the Attorney General and to use the evidence to bring Crapbag in. As Heller leaves, Bauer tells Sheryl Crow he's going to "go dark" for awhile, until the news breaks.
By the way, "going dark" is guy language for "I'm going to check out the seedy strip club in the bad part of town for a couple of hours." It can also mean they are going to start the all-dark diet where they eat nothing but dark meat. Both interpretations leaves you with a stomach flu.
Heller returns to the empty airport hanger and reveals to Bauer that he doesn't like being told what to do and thinks Jack is wrong. Though instead of saying it in a calm manner, he jabs Bauer in the throat and scolds him like an Iraqi terrorist.
Heller: "You don't do it this way! The US government would crumple. Is that what you want? Is it? Bad! Bad Bauer! You go away now!"
Jack yells back about Heller being wrong, but he doesn't hear him. Heller is already walking away, yelling at himself because once you've started a good yelling fit, they are impossible to stop. You don't stop yelling or peeing once you've started. It stings.
Back at CTU, Homeland Security engages in the only thing it knows how to do right: spy on Americans. In this case, they use Stupid Sheri as bait after Scowl Face isn't invited into a level three meeting.
Homeland Security listens in on the conversation and finds out that Scowl Face has been helping Sheryl Crow. They also notice that Stupid Sheri leaves her mouth open all the time, even when she's not talking.
Scowl Face is arrested and put into holding where Homeland Security creep yells for the truth (yelling doesn't help. Only hitting people with bullets or lamps does the trick). Before he leaves, Scowl Face uses weird hippie language to distract him so that she can swipe his keycard.
"You're not as mean as people think you are. Your aura is clean and shines like rocks in the river. Come with me, to the river, and we will write poetry with grass and trail mix."
Seriously, if a crack head and a tech geek can take those key cards, they are useless in terms of security.
Scowl Face escapes with a laptop and gets to threaten Stupid Sheri about telling everyone that she lies about sexual harassment and that she could end up with a psychiatric evaluation.
"And trust me, you wouldn't like it."
So that's why Scowl Face is crazy. She's a product of therapy…and a hippie upbringing.
Novick's been distracted for a couple of hours because he recently discovered his cell allows him to watch television. He's finally snapped out of it and confronts Crapbag about sending the military in to get Bauer instead of CTU drones (who will all eventually be killed either by bullets or falling down).
Crapbag yells at him for questioning his decision and at midnight no less. I hate it when people try to offer advice after midnight (I only want secrets) and only hear the first thing they say before I tune them out. When they ask me if I've been listening, I respond with "You make me want to die" or "You're not making any sense. You stop talking now Dad."
Scowl Face has left the building and is at Old Man Buchanan's place, which is now the home of CTU 2.0. It's smaller, but more efficient and with better bathrooms (Buchanan buys the soft toilet paper, not the coarse one-ply shit) and a higher brand of security that involves a secret knock (three quick taps and a hooting like an owl). Once Buchanan installs that special CTU ring on his phone, he'll be all set and better that CTU 1.0.
Heller calls up Crapbag and wants to talk about "You know what" with the president face-to-face. Crazytown suspects something is up and asks Agent Pierce for the 411. The redhead, talking out of the side of his mouth, tells Crazytown to meet him by the stables. She does and he stands her up, but sent his phone in his place.
I do that on dates all the time and it's hilarious, especially when they call it and see that I put in their name as "Big Foot" in my contact list.
Heller is still in his yelling mood and asks Crapbag what his "insane plan" was all about. Crapbag lays it all out, saying how everything was for the good of the country and that people will always need energy and won't stand for oil to reach $100 a barrel (wait, he's right. I'm already pissed it's over $70 a barrel).
So wait, this is all for cheaper gas? Hmmm, maybe Crapbag isn't so bad. I'd sacrifice Hilary Duff and the entire cast of The OC for a better deal at the pump.
But Crapbag isn't sacrificing annoying pretty people. He's killing real, ugly people (at a mall and an airport no less!) and as much as we don't want to look at them, they don't deserve to be murdered, at least by their government. Mafia hits are cool.
Bauer and Sheryl Crow are still restrained by plastic ties, which Bauer burns off thanks to a pipe on the ceiling (no plastic or woman can hold Bauer). He knocks out one guard and yells "Don't move" at the guy by the plane. Bauer gets the recording back, only to see Anti-Bauer's helicopter come down to attack him.
Bauer shoots at the helicopter with a pistol, convinced that a couple of bullets will actually take it down. He does manage to shoot a couple of guys coming off the plane (from 50 yards away and under a plane) and gives the guard his gun back to help (he doesn't and immediately dies. Bauer takes the gun back and farts on the man's useless, dead face). He gets rid of the rest of the men by shooting something and willing that thing to explode. Jack can make anything explode with his mind.
Anti-Bauer is in the hanger and has taken Sheryl Crow as a hostage. He and Bauer yell at each other in a political debate.
Bauer: "Dude, just tell me why."
Anti: "I'm protecting the integrity of the government"
Bauer: "But with Crapbag as president, there is no integrity in the government."
Anti: (silent) "Dammit you got me. Now your girlfriend loses an artery." (soft chuckling)
Scared Crow walks out between the two men with her arm dripping with blood. In three minutes, she will bleed to death through her arm. Bauer considers it, but realizes he doesn't want Heller to yell at him again and tosses the recording over to Anti-Bauer who runs off and calls Crapbag that the recording is back in their possession.
This leads to Crapbag accusing Heller of falsely accusing him with no evidence, allowing Crapbag to ask for his resignation. This enrages Heller even more and he soon comes to two revelations: Bauer is infallible and yelling, while fun, will eventually get you fired.
4.17.06
It's always hard to get the truth out of people. Sometimes it's because they are embarrassed about what they did or that they simply don't want to tell you about running over your dog…seven times.
But in the wee hours of the morning, the truth can be found almost everywhere. Go out one night and stay up past midnight. Once you do, and you're with someone with a secret, they are more apt to spill the info, as if the people who are capable of staying up late are trustworthy. Fools. The reason we stay up late is for all the secrets.
Old Man Buchanan knows this and is why he never went to sleep or crawl into the local old man pub to start bitching about the government taking his job.
Old Man Buchanan: (raises drink to this mouth) "Oh yea, I used to be a government agent. It's a tough racket." (Finally, a Mamet reference!)
Instead, he's waiting by the phone and saying "secret…secret" constantly inside his head. His madness works out for him as Bauer finally calls him for help. Bauer reveals the whole truth, which causes Buchanan's brain to explode and his eyes to widen. At least he's not crazy anymore.
Bauer tells Old Man to stash The Pain (Wayne Palmer) away somewhere safe since he could be a target. Not so much because he's involved with a huge government conspiracy, but because he's hanging out in a stolen police car and in LA, a black man can get shot fifty times for such an offense.
Buchanan knows just where to hide the Pain. It's in a neighborhood near his house where he buys crack on the weekends. No one will find him because no one wants to look there.
Refusing to toss the stolen cop car because the handling is "superb," Jack shows up at the airport where Sheryl Crow is having a family reunion with her father, Secretary of Defense Heller. It's after midnight and Heller isn't in the mood for secrets. He was on his way to an all-night bordello and does not like his plans changed. He's even more pissed when he sees Bauer pop out and asking for help.
A myriad of statements like "What the hell?" and "Hey now!" come out of Heller as the truth is revealed to him. As he hears the truth, he shifts his weight from side to side since revelations always causes his bowels to stir (that and once you're old as sin, your bowels do all sorts of funny things after midnight).
Bauer tells Heller to take the recording to the Attorney General and to use the evidence to bring Crapbag in. As Heller leaves, Bauer tells Sheryl Crow he's going to "go dark" for awhile, until the news breaks.
By the way, "going dark" is guy language for "I'm going to check out the seedy strip club in the bad part of town for a couple of hours." It can also mean they are going to start the all-dark diet where they eat nothing but dark meat. Both interpretations leaves you with a stomach flu.
Heller returns to the empty airport hanger and reveals to Bauer that he doesn't like being told what to do and thinks Jack is wrong. Though instead of saying it in a calm manner, he jabs Bauer in the throat and scolds him like an Iraqi terrorist.
Heller: "You don't do it this way! The US government would crumple. Is that what you want? Is it? Bad! Bad Bauer! You go away now!"
Jack yells back about Heller being wrong, but he doesn't hear him. Heller is already walking away, yelling at himself because once you've started a good yelling fit, they are impossible to stop. You don't stop yelling or peeing once you've started. It stings.
Back at CTU, Homeland Security engages in the only thing it knows how to do right: spy on Americans. In this case, they use Stupid Sheri as bait after Scowl Face isn't invited into a level three meeting.
Homeland Security listens in on the conversation and finds out that Scowl Face has been helping Sheryl Crow. They also notice that Stupid Sheri leaves her mouth open all the time, even when she's not talking.
Scowl Face is arrested and put into holding where Homeland Security creep yells for the truth (yelling doesn't help. Only hitting people with bullets or lamps does the trick). Before he leaves, Scowl Face uses weird hippie language to distract him so that she can swipe his keycard.
"You're not as mean as people think you are. Your aura is clean and shines like rocks in the river. Come with me, to the river, and we will write poetry with grass and trail mix."
Seriously, if a crack head and a tech geek can take those key cards, they are useless in terms of security.
Scowl Face escapes with a laptop and gets to threaten Stupid Sheri about telling everyone that she lies about sexual harassment and that she could end up with a psychiatric evaluation.
"And trust me, you wouldn't like it."
So that's why Scowl Face is crazy. She's a product of therapy…and a hippie upbringing.
Novick's been distracted for a couple of hours because he recently discovered his cell allows him to watch television. He's finally snapped out of it and confronts Crapbag about sending the military in to get Bauer instead of CTU drones (who will all eventually be killed either by bullets or falling down).
Crapbag yells at him for questioning his decision and at midnight no less. I hate it when people try to offer advice after midnight (I only want secrets) and only hear the first thing they say before I tune them out. When they ask me if I've been listening, I respond with "You make me want to die" or "You're not making any sense. You stop talking now Dad."
Scowl Face has left the building and is at Old Man Buchanan's place, which is now the home of CTU 2.0. It's smaller, but more efficient and with better bathrooms (Buchanan buys the soft toilet paper, not the coarse one-ply shit) and a higher brand of security that involves a secret knock (three quick taps and a hooting like an owl). Once Buchanan installs that special CTU ring on his phone, he'll be all set and better that CTU 1.0.
Heller calls up Crapbag and wants to talk about "You know what" with the president face-to-face. Crazytown suspects something is up and asks Agent Pierce for the 411. The redhead, talking out of the side of his mouth, tells Crazytown to meet him by the stables. She does and he stands her up, but sent his phone in his place.
I do that on dates all the time and it's hilarious, especially when they call it and see that I put in their name as "Big Foot" in my contact list.
Heller is still in his yelling mood and asks Crapbag what his "insane plan" was all about. Crapbag lays it all out, saying how everything was for the good of the country and that people will always need energy and won't stand for oil to reach $100 a barrel (wait, he's right. I'm already pissed it's over $70 a barrel).
So wait, this is all for cheaper gas? Hmmm, maybe Crapbag isn't so bad. I'd sacrifice Hilary Duff and the entire cast of The OC for a better deal at the pump.
But Crapbag isn't sacrificing annoying pretty people. He's killing real, ugly people (at a mall and an airport no less!) and as much as we don't want to look at them, they don't deserve to be murdered, at least by their government. Mafia hits are cool.
Bauer and Sheryl Crow are still restrained by plastic ties, which Bauer burns off thanks to a pipe on the ceiling (no plastic or woman can hold Bauer). He knocks out one guard and yells "Don't move" at the guy by the plane. Bauer gets the recording back, only to see Anti-Bauer's helicopter come down to attack him.
Bauer shoots at the helicopter with a pistol, convinced that a couple of bullets will actually take it down. He does manage to shoot a couple of guys coming off the plane (from 50 yards away and under a plane) and gives the guard his gun back to help (he doesn't and immediately dies. Bauer takes the gun back and farts on the man's useless, dead face). He gets rid of the rest of the men by shooting something and willing that thing to explode. Jack can make anything explode with his mind.
Anti-Bauer is in the hanger and has taken Sheryl Crow as a hostage. He and Bauer yell at each other in a political debate.
Bauer: "Dude, just tell me why."
Anti: "I'm protecting the integrity of the government"
Bauer: "But with Crapbag as president, there is no integrity in the government."
Anti: (silent) "Dammit you got me. Now your girlfriend loses an artery." (soft chuckling)
Scared Crow walks out between the two men with her arm dripping with blood. In three minutes, she will bleed to death through her arm. Bauer considers it, but realizes he doesn't want Heller to yell at him again and tosses the recording over to Anti-Bauer who runs off and calls Crapbag that the recording is back in their possession.
This leads to Crapbag accusing Heller of falsely accusing him with no evidence, allowing Crapbag to ask for his resignation. This enrages Heller even more and he soon comes to two revelations: Bauer is infallible and yelling, while fun, will eventually get you fired.
4.11.2006
Secrets, Lies, and Eyebrows
11 p.m. to Midnight
4.10.06
Kids, at least in the world of 24, are utterly useless. They can't shoot guns, they cry all the time, they'll make you hop on one leg, and when you're not looking, they'll call your mortal enemy on the phone and tell them where you are. I'm actually surprised the medics showed up, since 911 operators are to assume all calls from children are merely part of the new game "Mommy's Dead" that's been sweeping grade schools around the country.
And are Mulan and her child dead? Or were they left in the hotel, Mulan passed out on the floor and her child crying into the void of open space? God I hate kids. They aren't the future of anything.
Mulan has served her purpose anyway because she told Jack and The Pain where the evidence was hidden. It's in a safe deposit box in a bank. The said recording has Logan and Anti-Bauer on the phone talking about the hit on Palmer.
Logan, the crapbag that he is, was behind giving the terrorists the nerve gas "to make the country stronger and safer." (didn't he yell at Walt the mole for this? What the fuck?) That's like purposely giving someone cancer and saying "It'll build character."
This explains why Crapbag sucks so hard when it comes to thwarting terrorism. He wants the bomb to go off, the virus to break out, and the cheese to spoil in the fridge. Terrorism is just more fun. Maybe terrorism calms Crapbag down, like what Pilates does for normal people.
But Bauer can stop terrorism, which makes him the angry clown to Crapbag's fun terrorism party. Crapbag calls CTU and issues a warrant for the arrest of Bauer, thanks to "new evidence" that has come to light concerning the Palmer assassination. He can't say what it is, but assures Homeland Security that it's legit.
Crapbag could have just said Bauer was in the country illegally (he crossed the border from Mexico) and have him deported. Jack doesn't have a job and he's running around with a gun. That's more than enough to put him in a wheelbarrow and dump his ass back into Mexico.
And I saw the evidence Crapbag has on Jack. It's a drawing with a stick figure holding a gun (Jack) and another stick figure with his head blown off (Palmer). The Jack stick figure has the sinister eyebrows, letting you know that he meant to shoot Palmer. Sometimes eyebrows are better than DNA. Actually that's not true. It's always better.
Homeland Security is ranking right up there with irritating kids in 24 Land. They've taken over CTU and haven't done anything for the past two hours except fire people and constantly suspect Chloe whenever something weird happens. CTU could do that and find the bad guy at the same time.
Creepiest moment of the night: Crazytown coming back and kissing Crapbag. Ewwww. She said he was magnificent too, which was uncalled for (does she even know what it means?). I was really scared they were going to bang. Then again, maybe that's the only way to kill the president, with dirty, loud, messy, and awful sex with his wife.
Jack has called Sheryl Crow to let her know about Crapbag and insists that she get the help of her father, the Secretary of Ass-Kicking Heller. He's on a plane and can meet Sheryl Crow in an hour, right after his pre-midnight nap and some cookies.
Papa Heller: "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Sheryl Crow: "Papa, don't preach…"
Papa Heller: "You called me this morning to tell me Jack's alive. Now he's a suspect in the murder of Palmer? Can't you find a normal guy? Have you tried Myspace?"
Sheryl Crow: "That's where I found Walt. Which reminds me, I have to take Jack's profile off of MyDeathSpace" It really exists!
Sheryl Crow has left CTU and is now on her way to meet with Papa. Homeland Security is still suspicious of her and tracks her, but the tracking device is found (thanks to Scowl Face) and Sheryl Crow puts it on another vehicle.
Then they find her on satellite, but Scowl Face fixes that too, which enrages the Creep. He runs around CTU looking for Chloe only to find her coming out of the bathroom where he unintentionally sexually harasses her.
Creep: "What were you doing in there?"
Scowl Face: "I had a bean burrito with some corn for lunch. Figure it out."
(Random: What's up with the funky, energetic music on 24 now? It happened when Creep was walking around looking for Chloe. I felt like dancing and shooting a gun at the same time. This must be the music they play in LA clubs.)
Before Jack can meet up with Papa Heller, he needs to have the evidence in his hand. And in order to do that, he has to scare the shit out of the bank manager so that he'll open up the vault of treasures.
I like The Pain as Jack's new black partner. The Pain's got emotion and a shaved head. Curtis had a monotone voice and a perpetual look of fright on his face. Where is he anyway?
Jack takes out a lockpick from the Freedom Satchel, along with a small device that apparently tells the alarm system to go to sleep. (Seriously, did Jack just plan for another bad day with that satchel? And why didn't he pack a Powerbar?)
Bank Manager is in bed with his wife when he hears a sound. This is normal since men are always looking for an excuse to get out of bed with their wife, even for a non-existent sound.
Oh, but it's not the sound of silence. It's the sound of Bauer aiming a gun to your head and telling you to shut-up. Jack finds the wife and aims that gun at her too. She doesn't look too freaked out until The Pain shows up.
Reason #4 The Pain is a better sidekick: People are afraid of black guys, especially bald black guys holding a gun.
Before they go into the bank, Jack gets a call from Aaron, warning him of him being a criminal again. Jack, as always, takes it with a shrug and offers the good-hearted redhead the same advice he got on his wedding night.
"Keep your eyes open and watch your back."
The Three Amigos get inside the bank and into the vault. Bank Manager recognizes The Pain and realizes this isn't a regular robbery. He asks the Pain for the truth and it is given. Bank Manager's head starts to hurt from the realization.
The recording is found and it's exactly what Mulan said, a recording of Crapbag and Anti-Bauer talking about killing off Palmer. The Pain lets a couple of tears fall out of his eyes. Don't worry. That just fuels the rage for later.
This is also when Bank Manager is privy to the whole truth. It was subtle, but this is the point where his brain crapped all over itself. (You could tell from his eyebrows. Go ahead, watch it again).
The Three Amigos are set to leave, only now Anti-Bauer's men are outside of the bank, waiting to take down the trio as if they were trying to run for the border. Jack has a plan and it involves bringing in more cops, which will create a shoot-out a.k.a. diversion. Zombies also use this tactic of asking for more cops, but for them, it's food.
The diversion works and Jack shoots some of the bad guys before reliving his high school days and stealing a cop car. Bank Manager is now a patriot, one of the man that helped Bauer and died in the process. The Pain is upset at the death and pushes his feelings down further, adding to his stockpile of rage. Soon The Pain will unleash his fury.
And when he does, his eyebrows will be slanted up, because it means he'll finally be happy.
4.10.06
Kids, at least in the world of 24, are utterly useless. They can't shoot guns, they cry all the time, they'll make you hop on one leg, and when you're not looking, they'll call your mortal enemy on the phone and tell them where you are. I'm actually surprised the medics showed up, since 911 operators are to assume all calls from children are merely part of the new game "Mommy's Dead" that's been sweeping grade schools around the country.
And are Mulan and her child dead? Or were they left in the hotel, Mulan passed out on the floor and her child crying into the void of open space? God I hate kids. They aren't the future of anything.
Mulan has served her purpose anyway because she told Jack and The Pain where the evidence was hidden. It's in a safe deposit box in a bank. The said recording has Logan and Anti-Bauer on the phone talking about the hit on Palmer.
Logan, the crapbag that he is, was behind giving the terrorists the nerve gas "to make the country stronger and safer." (didn't he yell at Walt the mole for this? What the fuck?) That's like purposely giving someone cancer and saying "It'll build character."
This explains why Crapbag sucks so hard when it comes to thwarting terrorism. He wants the bomb to go off, the virus to break out, and the cheese to spoil in the fridge. Terrorism is just more fun. Maybe terrorism calms Crapbag down, like what Pilates does for normal people.
But Bauer can stop terrorism, which makes him the angry clown to Crapbag's fun terrorism party. Crapbag calls CTU and issues a warrant for the arrest of Bauer, thanks to "new evidence" that has come to light concerning the Palmer assassination. He can't say what it is, but assures Homeland Security that it's legit.
Crapbag could have just said Bauer was in the country illegally (he crossed the border from Mexico) and have him deported. Jack doesn't have a job and he's running around with a gun. That's more than enough to put him in a wheelbarrow and dump his ass back into Mexico.
And I saw the evidence Crapbag has on Jack. It's a drawing with a stick figure holding a gun (Jack) and another stick figure with his head blown off (Palmer). The Jack stick figure has the sinister eyebrows, letting you know that he meant to shoot Palmer. Sometimes eyebrows are better than DNA. Actually that's not true. It's always better.
Homeland Security is ranking right up there with irritating kids in 24 Land. They've taken over CTU and haven't done anything for the past two hours except fire people and constantly suspect Chloe whenever something weird happens. CTU could do that and find the bad guy at the same time.
Creepiest moment of the night: Crazytown coming back and kissing Crapbag. Ewwww. She said he was magnificent too, which was uncalled for (does she even know what it means?). I was really scared they were going to bang. Then again, maybe that's the only way to kill the president, with dirty, loud, messy, and awful sex with his wife.
Jack has called Sheryl Crow to let her know about Crapbag and insists that she get the help of her father, the Secretary of Ass-Kicking Heller. He's on a plane and can meet Sheryl Crow in an hour, right after his pre-midnight nap and some cookies.
Papa Heller: "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Sheryl Crow: "Papa, don't preach…"
Papa Heller: "You called me this morning to tell me Jack's alive. Now he's a suspect in the murder of Palmer? Can't you find a normal guy? Have you tried Myspace?"
Sheryl Crow: "That's where I found Walt. Which reminds me, I have to take Jack's profile off of MyDeathSpace" It really exists!
Sheryl Crow has left CTU and is now on her way to meet with Papa. Homeland Security is still suspicious of her and tracks her, but the tracking device is found (thanks to Scowl Face) and Sheryl Crow puts it on another vehicle.
Then they find her on satellite, but Scowl Face fixes that too, which enrages the Creep. He runs around CTU looking for Chloe only to find her coming out of the bathroom where he unintentionally sexually harasses her.
Creep: "What were you doing in there?"
Scowl Face: "I had a bean burrito with some corn for lunch. Figure it out."
(Random: What's up with the funky, energetic music on 24 now? It happened when Creep was walking around looking for Chloe. I felt like dancing and shooting a gun at the same time. This must be the music they play in LA clubs.)
Before Jack can meet up with Papa Heller, he needs to have the evidence in his hand. And in order to do that, he has to scare the shit out of the bank manager so that he'll open up the vault of treasures.
I like The Pain as Jack's new black partner. The Pain's got emotion and a shaved head. Curtis had a monotone voice and a perpetual look of fright on his face. Where is he anyway?
Jack takes out a lockpick from the Freedom Satchel, along with a small device that apparently tells the alarm system to go to sleep. (Seriously, did Jack just plan for another bad day with that satchel? And why didn't he pack a Powerbar?)
Bank Manager is in bed with his wife when he hears a sound. This is normal since men are always looking for an excuse to get out of bed with their wife, even for a non-existent sound.
Oh, but it's not the sound of silence. It's the sound of Bauer aiming a gun to your head and telling you to shut-up. Jack finds the wife and aims that gun at her too. She doesn't look too freaked out until The Pain shows up.
Reason #4 The Pain is a better sidekick: People are afraid of black guys, especially bald black guys holding a gun.
Before they go into the bank, Jack gets a call from Aaron, warning him of him being a criminal again. Jack, as always, takes it with a shrug and offers the good-hearted redhead the same advice he got on his wedding night.
"Keep your eyes open and watch your back."
The Three Amigos get inside the bank and into the vault. Bank Manager recognizes The Pain and realizes this isn't a regular robbery. He asks the Pain for the truth and it is given. Bank Manager's head starts to hurt from the realization.
The recording is found and it's exactly what Mulan said, a recording of Crapbag and Anti-Bauer talking about killing off Palmer. The Pain lets a couple of tears fall out of his eyes. Don't worry. That just fuels the rage for later.
This is also when Bank Manager is privy to the whole truth. It was subtle, but this is the point where his brain crapped all over itself. (You could tell from his eyebrows. Go ahead, watch it again).
The Three Amigos are set to leave, only now Anti-Bauer's men are outside of the bank, waiting to take down the trio as if they were trying to run for the border. Jack has a plan and it involves bringing in more cops, which will create a shoot-out a.k.a. diversion. Zombies also use this tactic of asking for more cops, but for them, it's food.
The diversion works and Jack shoots some of the bad guys before reliving his high school days and stealing a cop car. Bank Manager is now a patriot, one of the man that helped Bauer and died in the process. The Pain is upset at the death and pushes his feelings down further, adding to his stockpile of rage. Soon The Pain will unleash his fury.
And when he does, his eyebrows will be slanted up, because it means he'll finally be happy.
4.04.2006
All the President's Men
10 p.m. to 11 p.m.
4.3.06
Crazy shit always happens on this show and the audience is always asked to take some things with a grain of salt. For instance, I can believe that Jack could have braved the inferno in a squad car. I can even believe that he simply walked out of said inferno with nothing more than a dirty face and a half-alive Warlock on his back.
But nothing could prepare me for what I saw last night on 24. The Freedom Satchel, Jack's trusty sidekick, survived the inferno. That's almost as crazy as seeing Florida win by a blowout. (Stupid bracket. Every year you cause me nothing but misery and pain. And screw you UCLA for sucking so bad).
Though he wasn't scared in the inferno, Bauer is scared now because he thinks the entire day is bigger than anyone ever imagined. Jack Bauer doesn't get scared. What he thinks is fear is probably just heartburn. A couple of Pepcid AC pills should do the trick. (Now everyone's in trouble. They've upset Bauer's stomach).
Aaron and Wayne "The Pain" Palmer have survived the attack in the woods and were able to drive off in a car. They took the normal seating arrangements when a red-headed man and a black man are in an SUV together. Red's up front, black is crumpled up in the trunk and stowed away…to hide the shame.
The "super secret special present" for Aaron from the late David Palmer was nothing more than The Pain expounding on emails from a source within the White House. Aaron must have been pissed. He was promised presents and he a gunfight in the woods. If the Pain lives through this, he's gonna have to bring Aaron to Red Lobster to make up for everything. He should take him there anyway. Redheads love the lobster.
The source in the White House is Crazytown's assistant, Mulan (those cigarettes have really calmed Crazytown down. Maybe I should start smoking…) The Pain confronts Mulan and learns that she does know everything, but won't say anything until she gets her daughter back. Anti-Bauer has kidnapped her and is holding her hostage for the evidence.
It had to be coming. It's been too long since someone on 24 was kidnapped this season and at least it's a little girl and not some raving lunatic screaming about killer animals in the woods (You stop making fun of me now!-Kim Bauer).
The Pain explained to Mulan that she and her daughter have the mark of death because they know too much. Mulan doesn't go along with it until Red explains everything again, but uses less emotion and more concise words. Now he should get Red Lobster and a piggyback ride from the Pain.
Bauer is down with Operation Not Without My Daughter and has called CTU for assistance. However, CTU is getting replaced by Homeland Security because their last office was recently turned into a Starbucks/KFC combo store. They have everything Americans need, extreme caffeine and 99 cent chicken sandwiches.
Apparently, all the federal grants to Homeland went into hiring younger and prettier versions of all of us. For Scowl Face we get a random blonde girl who dresses better and moves her arms when she walks.
CTU just saved the world again, pushing them over the billion mark in terms of lives saved (they refuse to release the figure of lives lost, maimed, or ruined by CTU). It also means that Pseudo Glenn Close is feeling funny about the situation. But the Creep has a plan to convince someone to speak out against Old Man Buchanan about how crazy he was today.
I really thought they were gonna use Sexual Harassment Sheri to get Old Man Buchanan out. Why else would they litter last week's episode with the maddening "I can't believe he touched my back-hair. That's wrong" dialogue.
But no, they went to Sheryl Crow because she's DOD and warned her that her father's good name need not be dragged through the mud. This means the writers just threw that sexual harassment shit in my face arbitrarily. Unless Old Man Buchanan comes storming back and sexually harasses everyone with a weird dance and a metal pole, I'm gonna be super pissed.
Why does Homeland want the CTU hub so badly? Did the government spend too much money on hiring people and simply forget to buy a physically place for these people to work? They seemed to get there awfully quick and were eager to get to desks.
"We have desks here! No more securing the homeland in bars anymore!"
Those fools. Bars are the best place to secure the homeland because it's usually the place where terrorists plan to attack the US. That and the bathroom. You'll be surprised what people can think of after a case of explosive diarrhea (Hey, let's bomb something! Maybe use gas…gas that smells bad).
Jack needs Scowl Face and because of that, Sheryl Crow signs the document saying that Old Man Buchanan was crazy, forcing him out of play. He leaves solemnly and with only a long, hard stare at Sheryl Crow. She has become his new nemesis, which allows his old nemesis, Ryan Seacrest, to breathe easier now, at least for a little while.
The Pain and Mulan are on their way to meet with Bauer inside an abandoned barn off the road. Mulan admits that she trusted Palmer with her information and didn't think he would get killed. She should have just kept the info to herself and let it out at the appropriate time, like the office Christmas party where she can drunkenly stumble up to people and say "Guess who's bad in bed and plotting against this country?"
Inside the barn, The Pain hears someone drive up, but grows scared when he doesn't seem someone come in the front. The Pain is silly for not knowing the Bauer is a backdoor kind of guy. I guess if he were a chic, he would have known that.
The Anti-Bauer wants to trade the child for the info Mulan has. He's totally getting ripped off. One healthy child in Japan can get you a new car and a couple hundred Xbox 360s. If that child is a boy, it comes with a house that has no grudge and a free maid service.
The Pain wants to enlist in the One Man Army that is Bauer, but is shot down because shooting people in video games or in Marine training isn't the same as shooting people in real life (then my mother was right. I am completely useless to the US military). The Pain doesn't want to hear it. He wants revenge for his dead brother. And since revenge is the only language Bauer understands, the Pain is allowed to tag along.
Anti-Bauer has holed up in an industrial plant and has surrounded the area with guards. Bauer shoots two of them with a silencer and with two shots each. One to kill, the other for rage. Bauer then takes out the sniper and with this handy knife from the Freedom Satchel that refuses to die. He stabs the radio which helps to disguise his voice to Anti-Bauer with bad reception.
I'm gonna start carrying a knife with me and every time something bad happens, I'm going to stab inanimate objects until the situation rights itself. Tonight I went Bauer on a cantaloupe and my interest rate on my student loan went down.
Mulan shows up, gets her daughter, and Bauer shoots everyone in the head with his sniper rifle. Everyone except Anti-Bauer since he wasn't close enough to dispatch his former mentor with something clever like "And now the student has become the master" or "You're wife can't cook."
Anti-Bauer drives away and Mulan uses her Asian powers to divert all the bullets from the discarded machine gun away from her and her daughter. When crouched down and filled with fear, Asians can divert bullets and order pizza from the local Papa John's at the same time.
Now that Mulan has her daughter, she's allowed to expose who was the big mastermind behind the day's events to Bauer.
"Is it the vice president? Tell me now! I just made a bet with my bookie that it's the VP to make up for my NCAA bracket. Who was it!?"
The Evil Twin had nothing to do with it and Bauer is going to end up owing his bookie three large at the end of the day (season six will be about Bauer scoring big in Vegas and just letting it ride for 24 hours as he gets loaded with strippers and hoes). It was President Bug-Eyed.
WHAT??!?
It ends with Bug-Eyed talking to Anti-Bauer on the phone about dealing with the Bauer and The Pain problem they now had on their hands. I can't wait for the writers to explain to me how a guy who couldn't think straight during a crisis and whose biggest anti-terrorism initiative was to kneel and pray is somehow connected to terrorism.
And since anything is possible plotwise, I fully expect an army of Robocops to fill the street, leaving Bauer and the Pain to deal with them all. It's time to throw reason and logic out the window and smack yourself with a hammer.
4.3.06
Crazy shit always happens on this show and the audience is always asked to take some things with a grain of salt. For instance, I can believe that Jack could have braved the inferno in a squad car. I can even believe that he simply walked out of said inferno with nothing more than a dirty face and a half-alive Warlock on his back.
But nothing could prepare me for what I saw last night on 24. The Freedom Satchel, Jack's trusty sidekick, survived the inferno. That's almost as crazy as seeing Florida win by a blowout. (Stupid bracket. Every year you cause me nothing but misery and pain. And screw you UCLA for sucking so bad).
Though he wasn't scared in the inferno, Bauer is scared now because he thinks the entire day is bigger than anyone ever imagined. Jack Bauer doesn't get scared. What he thinks is fear is probably just heartburn. A couple of Pepcid AC pills should do the trick. (Now everyone's in trouble. They've upset Bauer's stomach).
Aaron and Wayne "The Pain" Palmer have survived the attack in the woods and were able to drive off in a car. They took the normal seating arrangements when a red-headed man and a black man are in an SUV together. Red's up front, black is crumpled up in the trunk and stowed away…to hide the shame.
The "super secret special present" for Aaron from the late David Palmer was nothing more than The Pain expounding on emails from a source within the White House. Aaron must have been pissed. He was promised presents and he a gunfight in the woods. If the Pain lives through this, he's gonna have to bring Aaron to Red Lobster to make up for everything. He should take him there anyway. Redheads love the lobster.
The source in the White House is Crazytown's assistant, Mulan (those cigarettes have really calmed Crazytown down. Maybe I should start smoking…) The Pain confronts Mulan and learns that she does know everything, but won't say anything until she gets her daughter back. Anti-Bauer has kidnapped her and is holding her hostage for the evidence.
It had to be coming. It's been too long since someone on 24 was kidnapped this season and at least it's a little girl and not some raving lunatic screaming about killer animals in the woods (You stop making fun of me now!-Kim Bauer).
The Pain explained to Mulan that she and her daughter have the mark of death because they know too much. Mulan doesn't go along with it until Red explains everything again, but uses less emotion and more concise words. Now he should get Red Lobster and a piggyback ride from the Pain.
Bauer is down with Operation Not Without My Daughter and has called CTU for assistance. However, CTU is getting replaced by Homeland Security because their last office was recently turned into a Starbucks/KFC combo store. They have everything Americans need, extreme caffeine and 99 cent chicken sandwiches.
Apparently, all the federal grants to Homeland went into hiring younger and prettier versions of all of us. For Scowl Face we get a random blonde girl who dresses better and moves her arms when she walks.
CTU just saved the world again, pushing them over the billion mark in terms of lives saved (they refuse to release the figure of lives lost, maimed, or ruined by CTU). It also means that Pseudo Glenn Close is feeling funny about the situation. But the Creep has a plan to convince someone to speak out against Old Man Buchanan about how crazy he was today.
I really thought they were gonna use Sexual Harassment Sheri to get Old Man Buchanan out. Why else would they litter last week's episode with the maddening "I can't believe he touched my back-hair. That's wrong" dialogue.
But no, they went to Sheryl Crow because she's DOD and warned her that her father's good name need not be dragged through the mud. This means the writers just threw that sexual harassment shit in my face arbitrarily. Unless Old Man Buchanan comes storming back and sexually harasses everyone with a weird dance and a metal pole, I'm gonna be super pissed.
Why does Homeland want the CTU hub so badly? Did the government spend too much money on hiring people and simply forget to buy a physically place for these people to work? They seemed to get there awfully quick and were eager to get to desks.
"We have desks here! No more securing the homeland in bars anymore!"
Those fools. Bars are the best place to secure the homeland because it's usually the place where terrorists plan to attack the US. That and the bathroom. You'll be surprised what people can think of after a case of explosive diarrhea (Hey, let's bomb something! Maybe use gas…gas that smells bad).
Jack needs Scowl Face and because of that, Sheryl Crow signs the document saying that Old Man Buchanan was crazy, forcing him out of play. He leaves solemnly and with only a long, hard stare at Sheryl Crow. She has become his new nemesis, which allows his old nemesis, Ryan Seacrest, to breathe easier now, at least for a little while.
The Pain and Mulan are on their way to meet with Bauer inside an abandoned barn off the road. Mulan admits that she trusted Palmer with her information and didn't think he would get killed. She should have just kept the info to herself and let it out at the appropriate time, like the office Christmas party where she can drunkenly stumble up to people and say "Guess who's bad in bed and plotting against this country?"
Inside the barn, The Pain hears someone drive up, but grows scared when he doesn't seem someone come in the front. The Pain is silly for not knowing the Bauer is a backdoor kind of guy. I guess if he were a chic, he would have known that.
The Anti-Bauer wants to trade the child for the info Mulan has. He's totally getting ripped off. One healthy child in Japan can get you a new car and a couple hundred Xbox 360s. If that child is a boy, it comes with a house that has no grudge and a free maid service.
The Pain wants to enlist in the One Man Army that is Bauer, but is shot down because shooting people in video games or in Marine training isn't the same as shooting people in real life (then my mother was right. I am completely useless to the US military). The Pain doesn't want to hear it. He wants revenge for his dead brother. And since revenge is the only language Bauer understands, the Pain is allowed to tag along.
Anti-Bauer has holed up in an industrial plant and has surrounded the area with guards. Bauer shoots two of them with a silencer and with two shots each. One to kill, the other for rage. Bauer then takes out the sniper and with this handy knife from the Freedom Satchel that refuses to die. He stabs the radio which helps to disguise his voice to Anti-Bauer with bad reception.
I'm gonna start carrying a knife with me and every time something bad happens, I'm going to stab inanimate objects until the situation rights itself. Tonight I went Bauer on a cantaloupe and my interest rate on my student loan went down.
Mulan shows up, gets her daughter, and Bauer shoots everyone in the head with his sniper rifle. Everyone except Anti-Bauer since he wasn't close enough to dispatch his former mentor with something clever like "And now the student has become the master" or "You're wife can't cook."
Anti-Bauer drives away and Mulan uses her Asian powers to divert all the bullets from the discarded machine gun away from her and her daughter. When crouched down and filled with fear, Asians can divert bullets and order pizza from the local Papa John's at the same time.
Now that Mulan has her daughter, she's allowed to expose who was the big mastermind behind the day's events to Bauer.
"Is it the vice president? Tell me now! I just made a bet with my bookie that it's the VP to make up for my NCAA bracket. Who was it!?"
The Evil Twin had nothing to do with it and Bauer is going to end up owing his bookie three large at the end of the day (season six will be about Bauer scoring big in Vegas and just letting it ride for 24 hours as he gets loaded with strippers and hoes). It was President Bug-Eyed.
WHAT??!?
It ends with Bug-Eyed talking to Anti-Bauer on the phone about dealing with the Bauer and The Pain problem they now had on their hands. I can't wait for the writers to explain to me how a guy who couldn't think straight during a crisis and whose biggest anti-terrorism initiative was to kneel and pray is somehow connected to terrorism.
And since anything is possible plotwise, I fully expect an army of Robocops to fill the street, leaving Bauer and the Pain to deal with them all. It's time to throw reason and logic out the window and smack yourself with a hammer.
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