Drunk on Whiskey

2.19.07
3 p.m. to 4 p.m.

I love it when a CTU techie ends up in the field. It’s like watching a fat man swim in the ocean. You just really hope he makes it out alive.

Stache was that lucky techie and he was armed with a pistol and a big dumpster. His primary mission: protect Bright Eyes, the wife of Dead Brother Bauer. His secondary mission: don’t die.

Bright Eyes was told to run to the ally while Stache covered her. She didn’t listen, which is understandable since people ignore 90 percent of what tech support says. Stache is shot in the arm and Bright Eyes is taken, though not before Bauer shows up, armed with a pistol and crazy rage. You can beat a pistol, but there’s no defense over crazy rage.

Bad Drone: “I will kill her.”
Bauer: “Put down your weapon or I will use mine.”
Bad Drone: “Oh man…you’re gonna use that thing? Like for reals? Ok ok, it’s cool. Just don’t throw it at me or anything.”

Crazy rage also drives a man to grab a woman’s throat and push her up against a wall. Bright Eyes, respecting the rage, yells out that Papa Bauer is behind the house blowing up Jack’s CTU team. This calms him. I guess I lied. There is a defense against crazy rage and that’s unresolved daddy issues.

Bundy shows us once again why he’s more qualified to be a shoe salesman than a CTU agent. When he’s not arming nuclear bombs for the enemy, he’s binge drinking whiskey in alleys next to convenience stores.

There are certain ways whiskey can help a person. There are also ways whiskey can harm a person. Here’s quick list.

Whiskey can help with:
-courage
-hiding shame
-public speaking
-writing blogs

Whiskey can impair your ability to:
-have sex
-drive
-set fires
-draw

Unfortunately, we’ll never know what whiskey would have done to Bundy since he spit it straight out and gulped some Altoids to deal with the smell. Silly. The only thing that hides whiskey is weed.

From there, Bundy returns to CTU after “taking a walk” and resumes his post after splashing his brain with booze. He’s back to being steady, though Scowl-Face, who has already smelled the whiskey (If you can’t hide the smell of whiskey, than Altoids has no business calling themselves a mint). She informs him that she’ll be watching him and that he should contact his sponsor, furthering the notion that AA is just for quitters.

Everyone wants Palmer 2.0 dead. It’s not a race thing. Really. It’s a political thing. Pay no attention to the lack of black staffers Palmer 2.0 has.

Even if it’s not race, the cabinet feels Palmer 2.0 has botched up the dire situation in the country long enough. Tom Boy is instrumental in the plot to assassinate the president and has given Huckleberry Palmer 2.0’s itinerary. The plot involves a “security specialist,” Beard to take the fall (the visiting terrorist turned good), and a set of steak knives. It’s really complicated.

Tom Boy, after being reassured by the president that his opinion still matters, has second thoughts and informs the secret service of the plot. Huckleberry overhears the conversation and whips Tom Boy with a flashlight, rendering him unconscious. Shame on you Tom. You failed to protect the president AND you got beat by Chad Lowe. With a flashlight.

Bauer is dealing with Papa Bauer, who has held Josh, son of Bright Eyes and the only Bauer who hasn’t been contaminated with altruistic patriotism. If he is to be saved, he should be exposed to video games and pornography. When the CIA wants to kill patriotism, that’s what they use.

The Bad Drone has been turned and is incredibly cooperative towards Jack. Bright Eyes gives up the real address for Crazy Ivan (Gen. Gredenko, the Russian who is using brown people to explode Nukes on the US soil and who has some gnarly hair).

But in order for Bright Eyes to see her son again, she has to get Papa Bauer to give up his location. To make sure that happens, Bauer instructs Bright Eyes how to talk to his father.

-Don’t ask him about his work
-Be calm and nod your head while he talks, but don’t listen. Don’t let his madness in.
-If he doesn’t answer you or pass the mashed potatoes, say “This is not a negotiation.”

Those are the same rules with my father unless he's drunk. When that happens, you just wait for him to pass out and place him in a corner till he wakes up looking for food.

Papa Bauer tells his drone where he is and takes Josh, who has seen the scary side of Gramps, to another part of the building. When Bauer storms in, the hotel room is empty and a call is waiting for him.

(cue Cat Stevens’ “Father and Son”…now)

Jack pleads with Papa and offers himself as a trade for Josh’s life. Papa agrees. Jack gives his “point-and-shoot” gun to Bright Eyes for protection, which is better than his digital gun that allows you to adjust the zoom, lighting, and focus.

The trade goes smoothly, allowing father and son to have a moment together. Papa says he’s a patriot, that he was trying to prevent this day from happening, and that he never wanted it to end up like this.

Jack, now on his knees, says he had to go his own way and do things for himself and that he was never good enough for his Papa and that he was sorry. He’s also ready to die. When he doesn’t, he turns around and sees Papa is gone. Ah, the unheard heart-to-heart conversation with your father that ends when you realize you’re alone. I know how Bauer feels all too well.

Outside of the room, Bauer finds a cell phone waiting for him. On it is a message for Jack to call a certain number. It’s Bug-Eyes and he has grown a tasteful beard since season 5. Bug-Eyes is also an example of what happens to a person when they don’t drink whiskey. So unless you want treason and disgrace in your future, drink well and often.