Bearded Up and Back for More

2.26.07
4 p.m. to 5 p.m.

Jack just ordered CTU to arrest his father stating that “It’s complicated” as a reason. Wait, does that work? I don’t even have to say it’s complicated. Here’s a list of punishable offenses my old man commits on a daily basis

-breathing loudly
-complete disregard for personal hygiene
-his snore rattles the houses and scares neighborhood cats
-begins every conversation with the phrase “No, you’re wrong…”
-points to things he wants and grunts when you pick up the hammer instead of the mixed nuts.

Bauer is also planning to explain this complicated day to Josh, spawn of Bright Eyes and Dead Brother Bauer. That should be a fun bedtime story for Josh, especially the part when he finds out Jack and his mom banged once.

Josh: “You could’ve been my dad?”
Bauer: “I’m partly your dad. Bauer sperm never leaves a woman’s body. Never. This is why you have great anger and a predilection to torture.”

President Logan (Bug-Eyes) is back and bearded up for the occasion. It’s the standard issue beard, given to crazed movie stars, shamed political leaders, and bargain-bin Santas during the holidays.

Bug-Eyes pleaded guilty to everything and was put on house arrest, complete with the Secret Service and horses. The horses are there for companionship. The Secret Service is there in case Bug-Eyes attempts to elevate his relationship with the horses to “the next level.”

He’s also a changed man. Terrorism isn’t cool anymore, dressing himself is easy, and his best friend is the reflection he sees in the mirror. The Secret Service doesn’t care that his mind has slipped, just as long as he respects the personal space of Seabiscuit.

Bug-Eyes knows how to get to Crazy Ivan, the crazy Russian who is trying to start a war between the West and the Arabs so that they can destroy each other. Starting wars is also known as the Vizzini Plan and is a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition. What? It never works?! Inconceivable!

Nevertheless, the Russian is determined and, thanks to his impeccable house cleaning skills, has eluded capture from CTU, an agency that needs the trash you leave behind to find you.

Because there are no leads, Bug-Eyes wants to help, insisting that he wants nothing in return. He knows the Russian consulate and, if he meets him face-to-face, should be able to get the information CTU needs.

Bauer: “I don’t trust you.”

This is typical Bauer-speak. He says it to his enemies and to the hippies who hand out pamphlets to him on the street.

And wait, a consulate? Why is Jack going near a consulate? Does he really want to visit Russia that badly? Maybe he wants to go there to give the Rocky IV speech so that he can end this sequel to the Cold War.

Random: I’m glad 24 was brought to me courtesy of Victoria Secret tonight and even happier that it took them four commercials of half-naked women to sell…was it bras or prostitution? Either one is good in my book.

Bundy is raising suspicion at CTU because he armed a nuclear bomb earlier and he has a penchant for booze. He can’t go home to cry on his bed because CTU only has the budget to hire one really good tech guy. The rest of the money is wasted on cases of Yoo-Hoos and Jack Bauer bobbleheads that say “Who are you working for?” with the press of a button.

Sexy Nadia doesn’t trust Bundy and has done all she can to tell people he has to go (whispered in the hall, called him a fool in front of Old Man Buchanan, created a “fuck-up” folder complete with a stack of 8X10 glossy photographs with a paragraph on the back of each one).

Scowl Face continues to cover for Bundy, even though it turns out that he’s been walking around with a half bottle of booze in his back pocket. It would have been better if he got trashed at work and started singing Journey’s "Any Way You Want It." Instead, like a wuss, he dumped the booze into the sink.

Palmer 2.0 is looking for Tom Boy, his advisor who has ideas to lock up every brown person in America. Ironically, Tom Boy is imprisoned in a large room as his buddy Huckleberry (we got so close to seeing Chad Lowe cry tonight. It’s gotta come soon. It’s the only thing that guy knows how to do well…besides getting dumped).

Huckleberry has brought in “a specialist,” who was easy enough to get past the Secret Service because “specialist” translates to “harmless dork” in their language. Unfortunately, this specialist has been trained to turn a voice recorder into a bomb using liquid from highlighters. I shudder to think what kind of bomb a Sharpie could produce.

The bomb must be placed near Beard (the terrorist turned good) and Palmer 2.0 must be within ten feet of the blast radius. Huckleberry is given the task of placing the bomb, even though the idea of “killing the president” has “just hit him,” as if he thought of this plan during an extended bowel movement and never believed it would work.

The bomb is placed in the podium where Beard and Palmer 2.0 will make their “All You Need is Love” speech to the world. Huckleberry has the detonation code, punches it in, and holds back the tears. But Beard, the trained terrorist that he is, noticed the brown goo dripping around the podium and screamed “bomb!”

In the end, Beard looked pretty mangled as did Palmer 2.0, furthering the notion that presidents are expendable in the world of 24 and that the Palmer family should give up politics and just run a farm in the Midwest where the only enemies you have are the weather and the horny badger who lives in the woods.