Take the Shame

2.12.07
1 p.m. to 3 p.m.

When I first heard of another two-hour 24 “event,” I was expecting explosions, yelling, and cannibalism. Instead, all I got was buildup and character shame. Lots and lots of shame.

Since this post is so damn long, here are the episodes’ quick hits:

Number of shame moments: 5
Bags of popcorn eaten during the show: 1
Times my dad snored uncontrollably during the show: 3

Funniest moment: McCarthy getting shot point blank by the blonde
Saddest moment: Chloe’s attempt at a romantic moment
Characters with sexual tension: Jack and Marilyn, Papa Bauer and Josh, Milo and anyone
he talks to

The shame started simply, with Old Man Buchanan informing Bauer that Napoleon, his mole-looking brother, had died of a heart attack, most likely due to the fact that Jack poured 5 pounds of drugs into him.

Back at CTU, Scowl-Face is screwing up at the desk because Bundy has been kidnapped, causing her to be “too distraught to function,” which is the same way I get when the Hot Pocket explodes in the microwave, causing me to sit on the wooden floor in my pre-made “shame circle” for five minutes.

Stache takes over and directs Bauer, who’s perched in a helicopter and staring over the city of Los Angeles like a judgmental gargoyle, to a silver Maserati speeding down the road.

Bundy is in the Maserati and is being escorted by The Brit and Whore to Bald, where he will be forced to re-arm the nukes. On the way, Whore shoots the Brit (this is what happens when you pay them in pennies and Monopoly money) and continues the transaction, hoping to cash in on the promised $7 million.

Instead, she gets to witness Bundy being beaten with wood and get literally drilled in the shoulder. That’s just mean. Not only do you have to deal with the pain, but that sound just reminds me of the dentist.

Bald: “If you don’t do this, I’ll kill you and find someone else who can.”

There is someone else who can do it, but he actually enjoys getting drilled, which defeats the purpose of torture. He’s not needed anyway, since Bundy’s limit is 5 smacks to the face and two drilled holes. Pansy. Bauer would have embraced the drill and let it play with his internal organs, just for fun.

The White House is freaking out over Palmer 2.0’s smackdown of Tom Boy’s “Brown’s are going Down” proposal. Tom Boy is so disgusted that he has his head in his arms like a three-year-old who was just told he can poo his pants anymore.

Palmer 2.0 also wants Beard to go on national television in an effort to ask Arab-Americans for help and to show the American people that some brown people are good. Some. Beard’s peace presentation isn’t ready due to a lack of construction paper and glitter in his homeland. Instead, he’s forced to write a speech that is informative, persuasive, and full of cheesy phrases like “I’m driving the peace train and I’ll be stopping in your town soon.”

Tom Boy hears of the television appearance and is pissed off because he feels Palmer 2.0 is weak for not hating the browns as much as him. And plus, it was his turn to be on TV.

He calls in Huckleberry (Chad Lowe is dopey looking in everything he does) and throws his arms in the air in an impressive hissy-fit that would put Kanye West to shame. It’s so bad that Tom Boy wants to resign. This is unsettling for Huckleberry since he’s laid plans for an “immediate” change to the presidency.

Huckleberry, after talking to his people, walks into Tom Boy’s office without the resignation letter he promised he’d write (you know it’s a good hissy-fit when you can’t even write your own letters) and starts talking about how everyone in the government has had it with Palmer 2.0.

Tom Boy throws Huckleberry out, only to change his mind later, which brings us to a secret meeting in a room marked “high voltage.” It’s also the room where obese politicos can binge-eat in peace. Tom Boy is told that things can change and that the VP will be on his side.

Tom Boy may have a point because the brown people are winning. Through a phone tap, CTU finds the building where Bald is hiding, but can’t tell which floor or room he’s in. To flush him out, Jack pulls the fire alarm, which forces all the healthy people out, leaving behind invalids and drug addicts. This is also how high schools find the stoners.

Bald is aware that CTU is coming for him and presses Bundy to finish fixing the device that will arm the nukes. He finishes and arms a nuke to prove he wasn’t faking. Just as he’s to be executed, Bauer shows up a shotgun, an army, and a little bit of rage. After he clears the room, Bald is gone and Jack is told that there’s a dead whore in the next room (boo!) and an armed nuclear bomb (yay!).

CTU Tech Support

Bauer: “I have a suitcase bomb.”
16-year-old kid from India: “Allo sir. Yes sir. How can I help you sir?”
Bauer: “There’s a bomb and I need to disarm it.”
India: “Ok sir. I understand your problem and feel your frustration. Please unscrew the plastic box sir.”
Bauer: “Ok.”
India: “Ok thank you sir. Now please tell me what you see.”
Bauer: “A goddamn bomb.”
India: “Ok sir, thank you. Now I want you to…

I could go on, but you’d just kill yourself and hate India more.

The bomb is defused, but the good feelings don’t last because Bundy says the device to arm the bombs is gone (“You made something that works?!”) and Bald is nowhere to be seen.

Bald has escaped in a helicopter and calls Gen. Gredenko, the old-school Russian still harboring a cold-war grudge. All he wants is to see the US crumble and is planning to blame the attacks on the browns. If he doesn’t take at least 6 shots of vodka during the season I’m gonna be pissed.

Both Bauer and Bundy are back at CTU and get to deal with their personal shame. Bundy has a pity party because he armed a nuclear bomb, Bauer believes he killed his brother.

This is also the moment where we are subjected to the awkward relationship that is Scowl-Face and Bundy. It gave me the same icky feeling I got when I saw my buddy’s grandmother hit on a 4th grader at the mall.

Do you want some candy little boy? (eeeewwww)

Old Man wants to alter the report that would clear Jack of any wrongdoing. Bauer isn’t down with that since the last time the Old Man tried to help him, he ended up naked and in China.

Papa Bauer is roaming around, covering his tracks and making calls to his team of drones to seek out Gredenko and kill him since the general is the only other person that knows the sins of Papa.

Bright Eyes (Napoleon’s wife) is also roaming around and is eager to tell Jack that she doesn’t blame him for her husband’s death and that she wanted to leave him and that she heard him talking to Russians one time and that she hasn’t stopped thinking about Jack for 20 years. I don’t care. Nothing much has happened in this second hour and a part of me wants to get the drill in the garage and put a hole in my head because I’m realizing it’s going to take me forever to write this thing (and now it’s 3 a.m.)

Bauer takes Bright Eyes around West LA in the hopes that she’ll recognize the Russian house. All other leads have dried up and much of the CTU staff has busied themselves with chair hockey in the back.

On the way, Bright Eyes gets a call from Papa who admits that he killed Napoleon and that if Bright Eyes doesn’t lead Jack to a specific address, he’s going to kill her son. Bright Eyes does so and Jack runs into the house with a team of CTU drones muttering “Rabble rabble” as they run heavily armed.

A bomb explodes in the house and now Bright Eyes and Stache are on the run with Papa holding the kid hostage in a hotel room. Jack is on the ground and has a rude awakening with a burnt home and pieces of CTU drones scattered amount.

So Papa Bauer, like all fathers, is pure evil. He’s betrayed both his sons, keeping his grandson hostage, and I bet he chews with his mouth open too. But what kind of company does he have that’s worth all this trouble?

Speculation of Papa Bauer’s company
(Has to be worth killing for and epic enough to cause Jack to seek refuge in the military)

-a think tank filled with intellectual geniuses who weigh the culture impact of the television show “Who’s the Boss?”
-a panty factory (self-explanatory)
-Cold Stone Creamery (people do strange things for ice cream)