Attack of the Drone or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Get Off

3.19.07
7 p.m. to 8 p.m.


Audrey Raines, the woman who tamed the savage beast that is Bauer and who was mocked endlessly by some (ok me) for looking like Sheryl Crow, is dead. She got the large, red “DECEASED” stamp all over her file. This made the Bauer cry, mostly because he still has the “KNOCKED UP” stamp in his locker that they bought together. They were going stamp their files together.

Instead, Jack received another present from the world of 24. Just when it seems like he’s down and ready to sob into the knowing arms of a small tree, this box of rage shows up like a warm friend and gives him the strength he needs to kill and press on.

“It's just a box of rage
I don't know who put it there
Believe it if you need it
or leave it if you dare.”

The box of rage was given by Bright Eyes (Dead Bauer Brother’s hot wife) after she made a pass at Bauer and was denied. Bauer, the gentleman that he is, said he had to check in with Audrey to see if things were weird or cool. If things were weird, he would be allowed to get it on with Bright Eyes.

Audrey died in China looking for Jack. DNA was sent over by CTU to confirm it and it must have been legit since her file got the aforementioned red “DECEASED” stamp.

My hope: Audrey is alive and the season will end with her in a cat fight with Bright Eyes, best-out-of –three, winner take all and Bauer gets to launch random water balloons into the ring as everyone cheers.

So now Bauer has emotional pain (the only medicine for that is heroin and he stupidly gave that up) and physical pain with his internal bleeding, which forces him to hug his side from time to time.

The good thing is that both injuries are inside his body, which allows him to dispose of them the same way he gets rid of everything else that’s in him (chicken, bullets, feelings). He pushes it down and stores it for that special moment when he has to commit cannibalism. If it’s stored for too long, it comes out naturally after he eats Mexican food.

Dmitre, the crazy Russian general, is freaking out in the desert because the Americans have uncovered his position, forcing him to launch his legion of drones into the air for an early attack.

What? It’s toy planes controlled with a joystick? I played that Chuck Yeager game when I was kid too and if this is what the government has to fight wars with, then sign me up. I’m going to send my resume that will include my high score and a story about the night a landed a plane while it was raining and I was drunk on Zima. After that, Chuck Yeager personally called me and said that I was “an Army of Fun and to never leave a prostitute behind.”

Only a single drone can be launched in time and it’s headed for San Francisco, presumably to finally wipe out gay marriage and the pathetic 49ers. As expected, LA is pissed the attention is going elsewhere and is planning to gain it back by shaving her head and going into rehab for a weekend.

The VP is also pissed. He’s just waiting for another nuclear bomb to “go off” just so he can bomb the crap out of someone. And he won’t have to wait long. Drones, like teenagers, can “go off” at any moment, with just the right touch.

Though the VP is far from being a teenager, he’s set to “go off” as well, though in his case it takes a lot more time and planning. Things have to be positioned correctly and aimed. Plus, it can only be fired at certain times for the maximum payload. Do this wrong, and you run the risk of throwing out your back and landing on the floor. At this age, you only get one shot, so you have to make it count.

And the money shot for this VP is a tiny brown village inhabited by 2,000 poor people who can’t afford to live in the city. This is how America warns countries she’s pissed at them: she kills the expendable. After that, she goes after pets and raids fridges.

K Hay (Karen Harris), this season’s resident liberal, has returned to the White House just in time to wail that nuclear bombs are bad (there’s always one buzzkill at a party) and unfortunately the Palmer 2.0 is the only person who can do anything to stop it, and he’s stuck in a coma.

With the world on the brink of nuclear war and a drone flying through the air, CTU is busy…trying to figure out if Morris is drunk. Here’s what could have happened in the time wasted on this tired storyline.

-Jack could have left CTU and killed more people
-the drone could have done the elusive triple loop trick on its way to San Fran
-Tom Boy and K Hay could have engaged in a slap fight with them wailing their arms at each other while their eyes were closed.

Morris is sober, which is good because had he been drunk when CTU realized they had a leak, he would have been tortured. Instead, they took the sexy Nadia because she was born in Brown country (Saudi Arabia) and her computer was linked to assisting the drone in avoiding the radar.

How is a leak different from a mole? A leak is when you just pee your pants a little. A mole is when you flat out let it flow with a complete disregard for the safety of yourself and others.

Ricky “Strikeforce” Schroder is quick to point his finger, which angers Milo “Stache” Pressman. This causes Old Man Buchanan to scream like, well an old drunk man. Nadia is brought in for questioning with Strikeforce who, we find out, gets off by hurting people. This makes sense since he’s middle-aged and won’t have to line up an intricate plan involving submarines for a couple of years.

Thanks to a sober Morris, it’s discovered that the drone is being controlled by someone three blocks away from CTU. Three stink’n blocks. I’m beginning to think this day is a cry for help by the Russians. Maybe all they want is a hug.

Bauer, after telling Old Man Buchanan he has taken up the hobby of “revenge concerning Audrey’s murderers, is leading the strike team toward the switch station where the Russian is controlling the drone with a joystick. He didn’t have to be there. A monkey or a mild-mannered gorilla would have done it for a carton of Marlboro Reds.

The Strike team succeeds in shooting people and Bauer takes control of the joystick because the most qualified person to fly a nuclear drone is the guy who has been locked up and tortured in a Chinese prison for the past two years.

Bauer lands the drone in a warehouse area, only to see it crash into something, sending the drone spinning about and catching on fire. The San Francisco police, armed with guns and a gay-dar, determined the area has been spewed upon with radioactive material and sends for haz-mat.

VP hears of this news and decides to bomb the Brown country anyway. Even though the drone didn’t technically get off on America, the drone succeeded in soiling her with his premature, radioactive goo and, as some southern farmers will tell you, that’s enough to rob anyone of their innocence.