Disabled and Disarmed

3.26.07
8 p.m. to 9 p.m.

Jack Bauer found a new friend in his daily fight against terrorism. His name is Brady. He can hack into any computer in the world, will do anything you say (eventually) and loathes all red-colored foods.

Brady is also autistic, making him loose cannon. He can save the world or bring it to its knees, all with a kind smile and a hug. Bauer handles the situation as anyone does when faced with an autistic person: talking calmly and watching out for flailing arms and bites to the arm.

Mark, the brother of Brady, has been using the power of autism to hack into his company’s files for security codes. He sells these to Gredenko for cash and as a way to unwind after a hard day with his disabled brother. And when terrorism isn’t available, he has a shotgun in the corner for fun.

The security codes will help Gredenko target the Edgemont Nuclear Power Facility, his third round pick for places to hit with a suitcase bomb. Prior to this, Edgemont was hardly picked as a target for terrorism, so in terms of potential tourism, this will be a huge boast for the facility’s self-esteem.

At the moment, World War III is hanging in the balance because the VP Noah Daniels wants to send a message to the Middle East by using nuclear bombs instead of Toby Keith songs (I miss the days when patriotism was trendy, fun and profitable).

And what is that message? It’s actually a complicated haiku that involves pet rocks, Goya crackers and ends with the phrase “You can eat my ass.” It’s actually quite beautiful and thought provoking.

The only person who can stop the nuclear insanity is Palmer 2.0, who is in the medical area enjoying a good coma. Since the assassination attempt, the VP has employed the “presidential coma rule.” This means the cabinet has full access to the presidential bathroom, snack cart and Nintendo Wii. If the president is still in a coma after a week, his bedroom is looted.

To avoid war, K Hay (Karen Hayes) talks to Sandra Palmer, a fellow liberal character on the show that has been itching to do something liber-awesome. With a stern smile and two cups of coffee, K Hay convinces SP to have her brother woken up to stop the nuclear strike.

Dr. Welton, who also believes that nuclear war is a bad idea, is scolded by the VP after he’s told Palmer 2.0 could be up and walking soon. Welton treats the VP like an autistic child (remember: calm voice, watch for the biting) and begins work on the president.

Back at CTU, there are more rumblings about CTU: Denver where apparently it was more about weird office interactions and sexual tension than counter-terrorism. And whenever there’s sexual tension, nine times out of time, Ricky Schroder is involved (he had to leave NYPD Blue because Dennis Franz’s jokes about “doing it on the table” were getting a little too frequent and graphic).

Here’s what we were told. Strikeforce “got off” by torturing people, Milo “Stache” Pressman thought Strikeforce was weird and another guy named “Johnson” did something bad and Strikeforce covered for him. I’m too tired to think of something witty for CTU: Denver, so just use the phrase “sausage-fest” and laugh yourself to bed. (JESUS, it’s 2 AM? Where the hell is my crack?)

In the middle of the CTU drama, evidence is uncovered that proves Nadia (sexy brown CTU agent) is innocent of being a terrorist leak and that Strikeforce is more than just a prick. Johnson was setting him up and he didn’t fall for it. The drama ended with Strikeforce getting the final word.

“You screwed with the wrong guy for the last time.” (sounds like a title for a German porn movie).

Milo celebrates Nadia being uncuffed by sexually harassing her in the hallway. Luckily for him, she’s a girl that appreciates a man saying “I’m sorry I thought you were evil” with an uncomfortable kiss in the hallway. I wail at the television one last time and hope that “CTU Denver” returns to its home in the ninth circle of hell.

With the time of the nuclear attack approaching, the fate of the world lies on the shaky shoulders of Brady. Bauer is coaching him in the ways of counter-terrorism by sticking things in his ear and telling him to pretend the voice he hears in his head isn’t real.

Gredenko arrives at the location and gets the information from Brady who is noticeably nervous. The sniper with the tranquilizer gun doesn’t have a shot because Brady is in the way. Bauer tells Brady to get down, which is the equivalent of asking me to do my taxes properly and on time. Luckily for Bauer and the world, Brady hits the ground and the dark hits Gredenko in the throat.

As Gredenko goes to sleep, Palmer 2.0 wakes up and calls off the nuclear strike, ending the couple hours of fun for the VP and giving liberals everywhere the hope that, if they are crazy enough, people will listen.

When Gredenko finally comes to, he strikes a deal with Bauer, saying he’ll help get Fayed as long as he is granted amnesty and he is promised he won’t be returned to Russia. I know. It’s hard to leave the land of Popeye’s Fried Chicken once you’ve had that on so delicious spice.