Last Exit to Crazytown

3.12.07
6 p.m. to 7 p.m.

Crazytown is back and she’s a different kind of crazy. Instead of popping pills and flailing her arms as she screams at walls, she devours fruit and incorporates hippie phrases like “rebirth” and “happy for my happiness” into daily conversation.

The fruit and hippie-speak don’t do much for her mental stability, but it does make her hair extra curly, which is all an ex-secret service agent needs.

Aaron (Killians. He’s slimmer and much more refreshing. I’m gonna name my first-born Killians so I can call him/her “Kill”), is living the exciting life of caring for the insane. This involves answering phones, telling the patient to calm down so they don’t get “all stirred up” and occasional rumps in the sack. It’s fun to have sex with the insane, except when they cover their eyes and howl. Then sex turns into therapy…for everyone involved.

But no amount of fruit or strange sex could prepare Crazytown for the call from her ex-husband, the shamed President Charles Logan (Bug-Eyes) who routinely receives the five-second “shame stare” any time he goes out in public. The Wiggles get the same treatment, but only because they’re creepy.

(And the only thing creepier than the Wiggles is hearing Ryan Seacrest say “This is where it gets huge” as he stares at you from the television.)

Bug-Eyes needs her help. There’s a terrorist with nuclear bombs and the Russian consulate is turning into the actual Russia where people run around drunk with fear and everyone is paranoid because the vodka supply is gone.

Instead of using military force, political discussions, or anything else that makes sense (like the “I-got-your-nose” trick), CTU has given the green-light for Bug-Eyes to ask Crazytown to save the world by doing what women do best: gossip. The only person who can get through to the Russian president is his wife. And the only American his wife will speak to is Crazytown. And people wonder why Russia isn’t respected anymore.

CTU hasn’t lost all its balls. They get a shot of mindless testosterone courtesy of a silver spoon filled with a heavy dose of Ricky “Strikeforce” Schroder.



Strikeforce has one mission and that’s to liberate Markov, the Russian consulate. If he happens to see Bauer along the way, he has the option of offering him a ride back to CTU, but he gets to pick the music they listen to on the way.

As always, Stache (Milo who is now donning a trendy sling) has a problem with Strikeforce, as he does with anyone who talks to sexy Nadia. Or maybe he’s upset because he’s realizing just how silly thin mustaches are.

Strikeforce does exactly what his name implies. He’s in your face, he yells at you when you try to be funny and, as long as you give him 20 minutes, he can successfully storm castles, day-care centers and Pizza Huts.

The newly-in-power VP is given the news that Strikeforce is itch’n and bitch’n to get a move on, but he’s hesitant because he doesn’t want a war with Russia, the country that hasn’t been a world power since “Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow” brought her to her knees.

Instead, the VP wants to go to war with “the country that housed the terrorist Assad.” The country is never named because it’s hard to decide which one has the most evil brown people in it, so it’s best to remain vague.

Tom Boy is forced to lie to the ambassador of the brown people and confess that he saw Assad with the tape-recorded bomb moments before it went off. Prior to this, the VP assured Tom Boy that Chad Lowe and the other guy would be punished. They will go where all white criminal politicos go: a 10,000 square-foot ranch with a swimming pool and tennis court. The downside? No more access to preteen boys and chocolate.

The VP is pissed and ready to “retaliate with a nuclear option.” Americans never say bomb. It’s sooo 1990s.

He even goes as far as threatening the full force of the American military. And as history has taught us, this means civil war, civilian strife and a condemned palace masquerading as a court house for the country that’s invaded.

Inside the Russian consulate, Jack Bauer is being treated like a 10 year old at a funhouse. He’s thrown down stairs with his hands tied up and threatened with a gun to the face (What kind of funhouses did you go to?).

And, like we all did at that age, Jack does anything he can to survive. This time, instead of cannibalism, Bauer steals the belt of a dead guy and uses it as a lasso to disarm the Russian who’s about to shoot him. This is more proof that whatever Bauer touches can be turned into a weapon. Next week he’ll be walking around with a banana and a stapler, ready for action.

The Russians are freaking out and have cut all power and outside communication to the consulate. Bauer, limping around with a gun, finds a couple in the basement (they’re probably Ukrainian pretending to be Russian). Bauer yells that he wants to talk to the outside world, which is ironic since every Russian child yells the same thing in the streets of Moscow.

With a new sense of power that she could “save the world,” Crazytown agrees to talk to the Russian wife. However, the three of them, Killians, Crazytown and Bug-Eyes are forced to talk about the unfortunate weirdness between them as they wait for the Russian wife to be available. This is what happens when you don’t have magazines or Jenga on the coffee table.

Bug-Eyes admits it’s weird for him to see Crazytown with another man, but says that Killians is a good one and that he’s happy for his ex-wife. This drives Crazytown nuts and exercises her scorned-woman’s right by stabbing her ex-husband with a knife.

When asked later if she can handle the phone call to the Russian wife, her reply is: “Of course. I’m not crazy.” You know what sane people never have to say? “I’m not crazy.”

The call is placed and the Russian prez is convinced. But the consulate won’t stand down, forcing Strikeforce to implement his plan created a mere 20 minutes ago. The building is stormed and the consulate is killed, but not before he warned Crazy Ivan (Gen. Gredenko) to launch all the drones in the desert, which are ready to be armed.

These are evil drones, armed with pain and suffering. Some will deliver nuclear bombs while others will deliver cold anchovy pizzas. No matter which one you get, you’ll be left with tears, an empty stomach and a little bit of sorrow.