A Dollar and A Dream

11 p.m. to Midnight
4.16.07

The suitcase nukes are no longer a threat. They’re just heavy suitcases now and because CTU doesn’t know how to handle things that won’t explode, the Marines are called in. .

The battle is over and now Jack can celebrate with his new man-crush Ricky “I Think I Love You” Schroder. Unfortunately, the man-date at Applebees will have to wait, thanks to a drugged-up Audrey (aka Sheryl Crow) who needs to be rescued. Again.

Sheryl Crow went to China to save Jack, but forgot to bring a gun, hire a driver for her car and learn Chinese. Cheng, the guy who tortured Jack for two years, captured her knowing that a white woman will always come in handy in the future. It’s like finding a perfectly good beating stick in the street. Someday, someone’s gonna need a beating.

Cheng is also fast becoming the Khan to Jack Bauer’s Captain Kirk. All we need is Jack to be on his knees, look to the sky and, with a crazed look in his eye, scream “CCCCCHHHHHHEEEEENNNNGGGGGG!!!”

Only the Chinese would trade a human for a piece of technology. They hold technology above all else, which is why they always have the cooler phones. Their version of the iPhone can drive your car and give you a “happy ending” (don’t ask how).

Cheng is demanding Jack to steal the component for the life of Sheryl Crow. Once the Chinese have said component, they will have access to all Russian technology. And because the technology is so old, it will be untraceable. They got the idea from the book “So You’ve Decided to Give Up and Follow the Russians.” The sequel to that book is “So You’ve Decided to Cut Off Your Arm.”

Jack is pissed because the component could start off World War III. I’m pissed because I thought World War III was supposed to have started by now. My sleeper pick to win it all is Spain. No one suspects the Spaniards. Call it a hunch.

For him to agree to this, Jack demands to talk to Sheryl Crow. Cheng does so and stares at her with his judgmental eyes (this is typical Chinese behavior. My father is looking over my shoulder, quietly disgusted about how I spend my Monday nights).

As always, Jack calls Chloe (Scowl Face) to gossip about his life, telling her everything about Sheryl Crow and how much he hates the Chinese. Scowl-Face wants to help and hacks into Morris’ computer (really just walks over and uses his mouse) to download the specs of the component to Jack’s cell phone.

Jack has to wait over a minute for the specs to download. He curses the loading time and the rage begins to rise (ironically, if he had the Chinese version of his phone, it would have downloaded faster).

Palmer 2.0’s rage has been replaced by a hangover, though he decides to make it better by asking VP Fathead for his resignation. He also makes it better by staring at a picture of his deceased brother David Palmer (it was signed “You can see my Unit anytime!”).

Fathead says no to resigning. Palmer 2.0 then promises to make Fathead’s life “extremely unpleasant” by releasing a tape recording proving that he and his blonde assistant conspired perjury. Fathead laughs it off and counters that he has a sex tape of him and the blonde, which would make everyone “extremely unpleasant.”

And whoa! Did Fathead just say “blackmail” to the black president?? That’s racist right? I’m sure it upset someone out there, so be ready to see a 24 writer fired.

Morris knows his hard drive was tampered with. No one’s touched his hard drive in a while and, frankly, he was feeling ignored in the storyline. Scowl Face fesses up to touching it and is convinced by Morris to tell Old Man Buchanan about Jack Bauer’s Rescue Plan of Action to save Sheryl Crow and kill CHHHEEENNGG! Thankfully, we are spared from the Old Man recapping whatever was happening in the episode.

As Scowl-Face is recapping to Buchanan, Jack has found the suitcase nukes and the two marines guarding them. Using skills he obtained during his CTU Drama Crew days, he proceeds to berate them, asking for names and threatening to use his cell phone. It works, since marines don’t like telling you anything and have a natural distrust for phones.

Sub-plot I don’t care about: Morris’ and Chloe’s trust issues.

Ricky Schroder arrests Jack before the fun of running around in a fit of rage can begin. Just like the time WWIII failed to start, I’m disappointed.

Old Man Buchanan isn’t “down” with Jack’s plan. Jack asks to talk to Palmer 2.0 and assures the president that the component will never get into the hands of the Chinese, even if it means blowing himself up. He later reveals that the Jack Bauer Rescue Plan of Action includes inflicting revenge on his former captors and a stop at the nearest Denny’s for a Superbird (Don’t know what that is? That’s shame you’re feeling friend).

Schroder’s man-crush is dying a slow death, especially since he discovered Jack doesn’t hike up Brokeback Mountain. He scolds Jack for mixing relationship feelings with work feelings. That’s tough talk from a guy with a bad haircut who can’t find something to believe in.

Palmer 2.0 gives a speech about celebrating the death and offers up prayer as the best defense against terrorist. He also does his best Porky Pig impression before he collapses onto the ground.

So now Fathead is president and his first order of business is to cancel the Jack Bauer Rescue Plan of Action. He doesn’t believe Jack’s word. Under both Palmer administrations, not believing in Jack’s word got you beaten with the beating stick.

In the car, Schroder gets the call to “quietly disarm” Jack (does it involve whispering?) and to bring him back to CTU. Jack pulls his gun on Schroder and forces him to pull over. Jack takes the car and is off on his own again, fighting terrorism the only way he knows how: with a dollar and a dream.