Evil Robots Will Kill Us All

4.2.07
9 p.m. to 10 p.m.


It’s time to party in the White House bunker, thanks to the 25th Amendment, the hedonistic party of the political world. No other amendment offers this much vague and potentially deadly fun. There are elements of a campaign, an election and a drunken staring contest. The only thing missing from this amendment is a clause that, in an event of a tie, the winner would be decided in a steel cage match.

Such a clause would have been useful since Palmer 2.0’s cabinet has exactly 14 people available to vote. Apparently the White House janitor was busy and couldn’t find the time (or will) to participate.

Palmer 2.0, fresh from his coma nap, is walking around drunk on power thanks to an adrenaline shot. He was offered a wheelchair, but decided against it because he didn’t want to appear, and I quote, “like that bitch Roosevelt.”

He’s a fool. Roosevelt had a rickety wheelchair that screamed geriatric invalid. But now it’s at least 70 years later and we have wheelchairs with four-wheel drive, which screams “Get out of my way!” at a push of a button whenever an FDR wheelchair breaks down in the middle of the hall.

The ground rules for the 25th Amendment state that Palmer 2.0 and the VP are allowed to plead their case. And because I’ve been in a electoral process mood ever since presidential campaigns were launched over two months ago (I totally don’t care anymore. I picked Vilsack to go all the way and that bastard ducked out in the first round), I conducted an impromptu Gallup poll in the living room with my parents and girlfriend (this makes four in all) during the speeches.

Palmer 2.0:
-3 people felt he was smooth and worthy of the presidency, even though it was possible his brain was bleeding into his ear.
-1 person (my dad) forgot who he was. He also wondered if the statement “in possession of my faculties” meant Palmer was holding his testicles in his hand

The VP
-2 people were turned off by his need to “share the pain” instead of the Clintonian model of “feeling pain” (among other things). They also felt his head was unnaturally fat for a human, sparking a debate about evil robots and when they would take over the planet (Final consensus was eight years. Five if China ever watches the movie “I, Robot” and gets ideas)
-1 person was drawn to the VP’s hot assistant and felt she was more competent than the liberal crazies on Palmer’s side
-1 person (my dad) snored loudly and scratched himself during the speech

Commercial Break
Sweet! The Transformers trailer! Boo! They aren’t doing the sound when they transform. This movie will suck because of that.

The vote, by show of hands, was spilt down the middle at seven a piece. But VP Fathead played the “I don’t see you” card by covering his eyes and pointing at K Hay, saying she quit earlier so her vote doesn’t count.

Welcome to America. We can’t protect ourselves from anything or vote without Supreme Court intervention.

In order to win, VP Fathead’s hot assistant offered to perjure herself to the court (sounds sexy) to give proof that the VP wasn’t going to recognize K Hay as the National Security Advisor. Fathead agreed to it and held her hand in thanks. I’m sure Hot Assistant Lisa was looking for more of a bear hug instead.

The entire conversation was caught on tape, thanks to Tom Boy’s micro transmitter and blackmails Fathead to call off his crusade to oust Palmer 2.0.

Mom’s reaction: “That little monkey is very good!”

This concludes our look into the 25th Amendment and I hope you learned that, like the 2nd Amendment, it’s only fun unless someone is shot in the end.

At CTU, sexy-former-terrorist Nadia continues to cocktease Stache with her Arabian good looks. However, Ricky “Strikeforce” Schroder breaks up the love and tells Nadia that Stache may have messed up and she has to help him see if it’s true.

Nadia discovers Stache did mess up and reports it to Strikeforce who immediately covers it up. Why did he do that? Because he’s a man searching for Nukes and religion.

Strikeforce: “I’ve read the Koran, the Bible, the dictionary…even Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead and still don’t have any answers.”

Nadia returns to her station and lies to Stache about what she was talking about with Strikeforce. Thus begins another solid CTU relationship forged through the power of lies and deceit. I give them two, maybe three hours.

Jack, who apparently spent the last 30 minutes giving Gen. Grendenko a death stare, decides to use the Russian as bait to get Fayed. The Russian agrees and is injected with a tracking device in his left arm.

Russian meets with Fayed, rips out the wire under his shirt and tells of Bauer outside waiting to ambush them both. However he has a plan and like all things Russian, it’s completely lacking in reason.

With the help of an ax, the Russian’s arm is hacked off, liberating the terrorists from the tracker and allowing them to roam around the Santa Monica Pier freely and into a hick bar. Outside, Bauer is pinned down by gunfire so he closes his eyes and says the “Show me your head” prayer for help. Don’t ever show Bauer anything, unless it’s a picture of you falling down stairs. He only understands pain.

In the hick bar, the Russian outs Fayed as the terrorist, which is the same as pointing at someone and yelling “gaaaaaaay” in a Catholic Church. Fayed shoots random people before he is stomped by drunk, patriotic Americans. Bauer storms in (fresh from shooting heads outside) and arrests Fayed.

So finally, Abu “I hope your friend is dead!” Fayed is captured and will be brought in, though it may not matter since his crew is itching to bomb anything in sight, even if it’s a Taylor Hicks concert where the causalities would be minimal (though it would mean that Hicks would be gone, so the upside is great).

The one-armed Russian escaped the bar and finds a place under the pier and by the water to have an epic, commie death. Gredenko will be missed. His one mistake was not taking the ax with him so that he could take other severed arms with him into the depths of hell.

Palmer 2.0 is now officially the president again and calls up the doctor for another celebratory shot of adrenaline. The rule is to take one when you wake up and another when you start to feel your organs caving in. You never take it if you’re pregnant or during an erection.

With word that Fayed is captured, though not with the bombs, Palmer 2.0 decides to go ahead and bomb brown people with nukes because no president wants to miss out on the chance of jump-starting World War III.

Speculation on why Palmer launched the nukes
-He dreamed of the future in the coma and is anxious to ski during the nuclear winter
-It’s Fathead in a Palmer mask
-He is actually an evil robot, making the Gallop poll prediction way off

This is the attack Sandra Palmer and K Hay woke Palmer 2.0 from the coma to stop, which proves, once again, that every liberal cause is a lost one and that, in the immortal words of Homer Simpson, the lesson here is “never try.”