Rage and Insanity on the Rocks

10 p.m. to 11 p.m.
4.9.07

Palmer 2.0 has launched a nuclear missile at a brown terrorist country with the intention of blasting all their huts and falafel stands into the ground. He’s had it with the lying, the painfully slow political process and people constantly referring to him as the “lame Palmer.”

The missile makes everyone uneasy, which usually happens when a man decides to expose his weapon and launch it into the air. Tom Boy tries to reason with Palmer by acting like Chicken Little. K Hay calls her husband, Old Man Buchanan, and asks him to lie. And Ambassador Jerkface from the brown country calls, urging Palmer to calm down.

Nothing can calm Palmer down. He’s currently engaged in a nuclear “I’m-not-touching-you” game and he doesn’t intend to lose. No one wants to be touched by a nuclear missile, especially one launched with such table-pounding rage.

As Palmer’s phallic nuclear bomb inches closer and closer to the face of terrorist country X, Ambassador Jerkface starts to give up the name of a high-ranking general who has had contact with Fayed, but has no knowledge of the location of the suitcase bombs. Palmer yells some more and calls off the attack, telling the pilot to “ditch it in the gulf.” That dirty whore was faking it, just like my first dry hump.

Tom, who was getting high the day they taught “bluffing” in political science, is surprised and hangs his head for doubting his president. After today, he’ll be checking into the Shame Hotel, where people cry into coarse, sexually-abused pillows for hours. I hear Imus is checking in soon too (apparently, it’s fashionable to be racist, as long as you’re an angry white guy).

The new enemy is a general named Nabib who looks like Gredenko, only with sane-looking hair and two arms (I miss that crazy Russian already. He should have been given a chainsaw for an arm).

Jack Bauer and Ricky “Strikeforce” Schroder are beating Fayed in a storage room filled with such threatening things as white bread and dirty towels. Bauer beats him with his fist. Strikeforce circles Fayed and judges his religion. Neither man is successful and Old Man Buchanan suggests a “drastic move,” which at his age means moving from the couch to the toilet…without pants on.

Agent Burke is called in with his “pharmaceutical package” for the torture. Initially, I thought it was going to be drugs and needles, but then I remembered the pain I felt after reading a 20-page science paper about how red blood cells can kill you and filled with phrases like “analytical ultracentrifugation.” I bet they make him read something like that and then inject him with something that will raise his red blood cell count (I ain’t no doctor yo, but that shit sounds harsh).

“Now we are gonna have fun.”
-Jack Bauer with unstable look in his eye

There are only two things the Bauer finds fun: shooting kneecaps off and pretending to die. This time it was the latter.

En route to who knows where, a truck sideswipes the vehicle carrying Fayed, Bauer and Strikeforce, scattering them about. People start shooting guns, people go down, including Strikeforce and Bauer. The people in the other truck take Fayed with them and drive off.

Everyone gets up from the ground, including Strikeforce and Bauer, and the neighborhood applauds this impromptu community theater and pesters the two CTU agents to play the lead roles in the upcoming summer performance of “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead.” (They respectfully declined. Strikeforce has plans to “find himself” in Amsterdam. Bauer is scheduled to sit in a closet and stew).

CTU’s Drama Crew (yes they host flamboyant D. Crew parties) talks to Fayed hoping to get the location of his destination and tell him they were sent by Gen. Nabib. Fayed, always taught by his mother to never trust men in vans, which is ironic since he is now one of them, demands to speak to Nabib.

Old Man Buchanan, who is awesome at recapping recent events in seconds, calls the White House and urges Palmer 2.0 to make this phone call happen. Palmer, visibly weak and shaking from the adrenaline and sour patch kids he had the hour before, speaks to Ambassador Jerkface about forcing the general to make the call.

Ambassador Jerkface’s country sucks at anti-terrorism. They are only good at making demands and throwing rocks in the street. They never thought of threatening the family. American’s real policy on terrorism: Just do it…now!

While watching a gun being placed on his son’s head, Nabib calls Fayed and assures him that he sent the men to get him and says that “Samir” should have eaten that whole meatball sub, or something like that.

Sexy Nadia at CTU figures out that Samir is a distress code and that Nabib was warning Fayed he was being setup. The meatball sub was just thrown in there to throw everyone off. Nadia also figures out that Milo is the jealous type, Strikeforce can bleed and that CTU isn’t that exciting when Morris isn’t drunk and Scowlface only has lines like “Ok.”

Jack warns the CTU Drama Crew that Fayed may be on to the setup seconds before they enter a tunnel. The car with Jack enters the tunnel and before he races into it, he utters “Engaging the tunnel” to CTU. Say that to your wife/girlfriend/blowup-doll during sex. It’s worth sleeping on the couch for a week to see their reaction.

Fayed runs away after killing everyone in the CTU Drama Crew (he really rubs it in by saying “Parting is such sweet sorrow” before he hops out of the truck) and steals a garbage truck to return to the home base.

Bauer, who had been following him, sees the truck and slips underneath it and holds on to the axle and screams into his hands-free device. Old Man Buchanan, who is getting closer and closer to retirement, can’t hear what Jack is saying and orders someone younger to run it through filters.

The garbage truck finally stops near a warehouse and thankfully didn’t go over any speed bumps or dead animals on the road. Bauer overhears Fayed say that downtown LA is going to be the target and slips out of the truck.

He storms the area and, after seeing the two suitcase bombs, proceeds to kill anything that moves. And when he runs out of bullets, he uses that special mixture of rage and insanity that every man has inside of him. It’s potent, always goes down smooth and gives you the power to do every stupid thought you have in your brain. This includes hanging on to the bottom of a garbage truck, running down a man with a gun pointed at your head, blasting off fake nuclear missiles and eating hotel soap for $5.

The Jack-Fayed fight ensues and includes pipes, chains, the biting of hands (thanks to Jack’s insatiable appetite for human flesh) and kicks to the stomach. In the end, Jack won by stringing up Fayed with chains, telling him to say hello to his brother and hanging him (No cell phone video of the taunting?).

Strikeforce’s reaction: “Damn Jack.” This also marks ground zero for Strikeforce’s eternal man-crush on Jack.

The suitcase bombs are secured and everyone is dead. The day is coming to a close and Jack is ready for that late-night cry into the pillow. Instead, the Asian guy who looks like my dad shows up and has Audrey in captivity who can only utter a strained “Help. Me.”

This proves jack still has the insanity inside of him because he was told hours ago that Audrey was dead. Now every cute, broken voice on the phone sounds like his old girlfriend to him.

Asian guy takes the phone back and tells Jack that Audrey is alive and that China wants “the component” for her life.

I think the Component will be:

-Goya crackers
-the fabled Easy-Bake Oven 6000
-the remote control that can stop time
-a Nintendo Wii (the only thing on this list that justifies kidnapping)

So just when you think your crappy day is over, my dad shows up with a shit-eating grin and pisses on everything you hold dear. Mark my words. Just like my childhood, my dad is here to ruin everything. He will also get drunk, pass out and let out an inhuman snore that will rattle the house.