Crazy Celebs and Shame at the Workplace

12 a.m. to 1 a.m.
4.23.07

Usually after midnight, things start to change. The beer starts tasting more like water, the sex gets dirtier and celebrities start going out of their mind thanks to all the drugs they’ve ingested that has warped their sense of reality.

So it’s fitting that the episode began with Ricky Schroder running through a field and flagging down a car from the highway. This is how the former Silver Spoons star gets cast in shows. It’s also how he avoids doing the dishes at the house.

Jack “I’m rogue now” Bauer is on his own again. This means the return of the man purse(is it the Freedom Satchel?), one-word answers, dark clothing and an obscene amount of rage. He has the component with the Russian defense codes to trade for Audrey. I saw those Russian defense codes on the internet. They are blueprints on how to build a massive wall made of cannons with a moat of lava encircling Mother Russia.

But the Chinese want the codes. I know, they have a wall too, but they still haven’t figured out how to tame lava or break a man through torture.

Milo “Stache” Pressman can’t take all the political and international drama surrounding Bauer, so he walks around CTU talking about the emotional aspect of the situation and breaking up arguments between Morris and Scowlface (Chloe). I liked him so much more when he was an asshole who just wanted to bang Nadia.

Palmer 2.0 is enjoying coma 2.0 (this one may shut him off from society for days…just like Windows Vista). This has put VP ODB (Old Dirty Bastard), in charge. It has also made ODB horny as hell since Cialis combined with a taste of power intensifies the erectile effects.

Luckily for the Blonde-Aide there were no cigars or dirty instant messages from Washington DC pages in the room, otherwise ODB would have completely lost control of all his bodily fluids (they are, in order of importance: semen, pee, and tears).

With no Palmer 2.0, the show was briefly without an African-American character. Thankfully, a “Peter Hawk” showed up to make things right and diverse.

Hawk, who has information from Chad Lowe (he’s also a member of the Ricky Schroder hitch-hiking club) grills K-Hay about how crappy her husband is at holding on to terrorists and warns her that someone has to “go down” for this whole 13,000 dead thing. And since K-Hay hasn’t “gone down” since high school, it’s up to Old Man Buchanan to take the bullet.

Tom Boy also urges K-Hay to stay at her job because she is “smart and brings balance,” which means she’s like a case of Ensure for a geriatric White House that can’t seem to lay off deep-fried Twinkies and sticks of butter.

CTU isn’t looking too good at the moment. They can’t handle suitcase bombs and their assurances mean nothing. The only thing they are good at is accusing and arresting their own people.

They also fail at relationships. Old Man Buchanan is fired by K-Hay, his wife, and is told that everything will be ok because all he needs to know is that she “loves him.”

Old Man Buchanan’s next bold move: Call up K-Hay and yell that she’s a little pig. Laugh uncontrollably.

Nadia is put in charge and ordered to tell the troops about Buchanan’s departure before it hits the internal forums. She also has to cancel the “Buchanan Brought Sexy Back to CTU for a Debriefing” T-shirts.

There was even more drama I didn’t care about with Morris, Scowlface and their schoolyard bickering.

“You built a bomb!”
“Shove it!”

They’re gonna do it soon, I can feel it.

Bauer (I’m sick of not seeing Bauer for 30 minutes. He better decapitate people in the finale to make up for all the lost screen time) has directed Cheng to an abandoned hotel and has set up the C4 to blow everyone up (only Jack Bauer can kill Jack Bauer).

Before Cheng arrives, Bauer calls Old Man Buchanan and sings the “Thank You For Being a Friend” from the Golden Girls. He also calls a cab company.

“This is Jack Bauer. I’m a CTU agent. This is an emergency. I need a cab.”

That doesn’t make the cab come any quicker. You have to tell them you are hammered and looking for your car. That’s when they haul ass. Sometimes it’s to pick you up, sometimes it’s to kill you.

Ricky Schroder has been tracking Jack’s movements (stalking is also part of Schroder’s nightly routine) and is hiding in the bushes when a limo pulls up with Cheng, Chinese drones and Audrey inside.

Bauer ungags his drugged up girlfriend (she is currently suffering from memory loss, a la Teri Bauer), says he’s sorry and tells her to go to a bridge. Cheng gets impatient. Bauer throws him the component with his hand on the trigger. Schroder freaks out and shoots the closest guy he sees (again, part of the former child star lifestyle that he’s famous for).

A gunfight ensues and Cheng gets away in a black hummer storming up a hill. Instead of going after him, Schroder puts Bauer under arrest. For now, the component is in Chinese hands and every Russian soldier is praying that their lava moat of death will be completed in time.