Crazy Ivans and the show that loves them

Sweet, delicious uranium.

24 Season 8 episode 5
1.25.10
7 p.m. to 8 p.m.

Everyone wants uranium, and some are willing to go that extra mile to obtain it, like have a random three-way with gender questionable Russian whores, which as we all know are the scariest kind.

Regardless, Hassan's bro is dedicated and has sacrificed his family and political career for the sweet taste of some weapons grade 235 uranium. Just don't fall in love with it, or you'll get the swine flu.

"Poppa! He needs a doctor!"

There's nothing more pathetic than a grown man screaming "Poppa!" in public, especially when the said "Poppa" isn't even within hearing distance. Only Madonna circa 1986 and the pregnant teen on Glee have the right to do so.

And why go through the trouble? Because in Russian culture no one should die in a cold room behind a kitchen...that place is reserved to kill democracy and freedom.

Unfortunately for Hassan, he doesn't have access to such a room and has to rely on power and human rights violations. This is what happens when a man loses access to dirty hooch: he seeks revenge. Or he engages in extortion.

What the frak is up with the lame Starbuck subplot? Dana was an accessory to murder as a minor? Kevin is in a criminal ambiguously gay duo? And can Freddie Prinze Jr. act without the perpetual confused look on his face?

At this point the 24 producers could probably splice in scenes from She's All That and no one would notice. Wait, they would notice because the scenes would be slightly less lame.

This is all made up thanks to Deathwish Walker, an ex-agent who has returned to NYC to clean up the streets of...oh wait Charles Bronson is dead.

Apparently Walker is good at putting bad guys away, going undercover and keeping calm under pressure, but she sucks at killing herself.

Bauer: "You're unstable!"

Deathwish answers with cold hard stare as she chews on a Russian thumb.

Bauer: "I'm gonna let it slide."

It's hard to disregard the crazy girl at the party, especially when she comes with multi-million dollar deals and engaging dialogue such as "Just do it!" and "I have nowhere else to go."

As for Bauer, he got Crazy Ivan'd and was left screaming "Dammit!" as he rage-drove on the streets of NYC. He may as well have been in a cold room behind a kitchen.

The Mysterious Case of Renee Walker

Renee Walker, thinking crazy thoughts

24 Season 8 Episode 3 and 4
6 p.m. to 8 p.m.
1.18.10

It seems the writer's of 24 have a dart board and on this dart board are various plots from past seasons that were their favorite. Tonight they hit "ironic torture of Jack," "villainous family member," and "hand gets cut off."

The product of placing the fate of this show to a game of chance means rehashed situations and the viewer feeling deja vu from time to time. It would almost be better for the writers to get some Colombian bam-bam and really stir some shit up.

Instead, we get Jack following up on a lead that brings him to a Queens basement where he is tortured for allegedly murdering a cop and his wife. He already had to drive to Queens and pay $100 for his street intel. If he was in the Bronx, he would have only had to pay $50. Or maybe just buy someone a hot dog.

So NYC cops take care of their own when they think someone has killed one of the city's boys in blue. I'm eagerly awaiting the Fox PSA about how NYC cops would never take the law into their own hands. I give it till the next episode.

But sometimes relying on actual evidence is bad too, as Brian "Bubba Gump" Hastings has proven. So far he sucks as managing his staff and connecting the dots of complicated political plots. What is he good at? Admitting he's wrong, covering up mistakes and using last-minute hires to head up an operation that could send international bad vibes if handled incorrectly.

And his new hires? Hot Agent Walker from last season and Jack "I'm not even supposed to be here today" Bauer. Only now Walker is like Bauer circa season 3 when he was hooked on the Colombian bam-bam. Yes, it all comes back to the bam-bam.

After meeting Jack 4 years ago, Walker has had the taste for torture and has been "going off-book" for fun. She doesn't want money. She wants to see terror in the eyes of men. She also wants to cut off thumbs.

With Jack's ax attack last night, we can now add lost thumb to the list of medieval fighting techniques. Next up should be either be a good round of eye-poking or the rarely used tickle torture (it's rarely used because 9 times out of 10, it just turns into an orgy. An awkward orgy.)

The White House is fairly more advanced. Instead of hand-to-hand combat, the politicians engaged in staring contests and attempt to psyche each other out by their emotional chiefs of freaking out.

Hassan's brother (who looks like the Bollywood version of Jason Schwartzman): You want us to do WHAT?

US Chief of Freaking Out Rob Weiss: I am FREAKING OUT man! This better be good! Everybody knows everything and I'm in a limo yelling into a phone. Aarrgh!

Neither character adds much to the show, though Bollywood Schwartzman gets an edge for his epic pen stabbing to the CTU drone (proving once more that drones can't protect against anything, be it missile launchers or pens bought from Staples).

It seems the brother was involved in a sale of nuclear weapons from the Russians, hence the hit on his brother via a Blackberry-rigged bomb under a manhole cover. I wonder if the Russians were pissed when they realized the blond journalist on the inside may have been a better way to kill President Hassan as opposed to the exploding manhole cover on the street.

Or maybe just sending in Walker Texas Chainsaw Massacre would have worked too. She was already a known operative in the Russian syndicate and could have at least chopped off Hassan's signing hand so no peace treaty could go forward.

But she's crazy and has been classified as "not ready" in Bauer's book of Those Allowed to Kick Ass. Jack's granddaughter also carries that same classification and will continue to do so until she gets her first knife at the age of 6.

Aside from her penchant for torture and the lack of moral compass, Jack's big clue probably came from the fact that Renee's undercover name was also Renee. Even drunken sorority girls in Vegas know you need a better cover than that to get away with lying.

Obvious statement of the week: From MPAT (Madame President Alison Taylor) "We only get betrayed by those we trust." Really? Did you know that guns can shoot bullets and that lactose intolerant kids shit after eating dairy?

Things I don't care about:

Faker Dana's potential evil/criminal past
Freddie Prinze Jr balancing CTU work and wedding planning
Arlo's hard-on for Fake Dana

Things I do care about:

The color Dana's hair was when she was "Jenny"
When Prinze Jr's character will say "There is a bomb...on this...bus"
How a guy named Arlo got anywhere in life without an acoustic guitar or a jug full of moonshine

24 season 8 episode 1 and 2
4 p.m. to 5 p.m.
1.17.10

After hibernating from government work and anti-terrorist activity, Bauer has found a new life of naps, watching boring cartoons and going to the zoo to see bears.

And thanks to stem cells, he doesn't look like a grandpa. In fact, he's ready to work security in LA, which means he'll spend days keeping drunk teenagers from crashing into buildings, and making sure Jay Leno stops stealing people's jobs.

But like many grandparents in America, Jack is forced out of retirement because of the economy. Or an assassination plot.

Jack's new career involves conducting health care in back alleys and gaining info from a source before he eats the taco grande of death. He also has a new satchel, because the first anyone does when they come to NYC is buy something black. It helps conceal the blood.

The target this year is Omar Hassan, who has a penchant for peace deals and loose blondes with a reporter's notebook.

After bringing a source to CTU NY (which looks like a model agency), Bauer is debriefed by Chloe, who is displaying an epic fail at her new job, which was taken by her because her husband sucks at making money.

Bubba, from Forrest Gump, doesn't think too highly of Chloe's skills or her lack of shrimp dinner recipes.

His new one is shrimp interrogation gumbo, which is full of misdirection and shame.

Shame because though they captured a journalist (they are a shifty bunch), she is apparently only guilty of wanting presedential wang.

And where there's a man with a crush on a blonde woman, there's an angry wife saying "nut ah!"

CTU is on top of, and has a new motto: "We're different."

This is hardly the case. There is an office romance, which is connected to a random subplot of identity.

However they now have biometrics for interrogations, which is used to decipher mood changes and whether or not someone has a bun in the oven.

The terrorists are Russian and have already managed to infiltrate the security of UN. How? The Russian put on an accident and pretended to care. He doesn't.

It may not matter. Bauer has been awoken from his slumber, and like all bears, he's pissed off he's back at work, no mater how good the Bubba-Gump test happened

Soon Jack and Chloe form CTU 2 and fight terrorism the only way they know how: on a shoestring budget and random accusations. Creepy man enters an apartment? Lead! Jack has a feeling about something? Lead!

Things I want from 24: Season 8

This Sunday marks the return of Jack Bauer, who has been saved by stem cells and the capitalistic hunger of Fox.

For Season 8 (yes, it's been eight years), the Bauer finds himself appropriately in the city that never sleeps and, according to the trailer above, is hellbent on retiring. However, just like others his age, the the economy won't let him and he's forced to do what he did before for even less money and respect.

Here is a quick list of things I want, nay, need to see in Season 8. If I don't get at least half of these, I'm gonna be pissed. Like Conan O'Brien at NBC pissed.

1. Jack gets an answer after yelling "WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?"

At this point, Jack should just assume everyone is working for a shadow government and that everyone is screwing everyone else.

2. Jack rides a horse and shoots people down with a shotgun a la Young Guns II

In fact, there should be more references to old Kiefer movies. If you count the amount of times Bauer has been brought back from death, the writers have been doing Flatliners for years.

3. Terrorists on the show are not from the Middle East or Muslim or rabid animals

If this season is going to be in NYC, the very least the writers could do is make the bad guys from the Jersey Shore (BTW: Bauer's Jersey Shore name would be Two Guns. Runner-up name: Tin-foil).

4. A major plot point is settled by a Thunderdome fight

Two men enter, one man leaves. It's been eight years. We deserve it.

5. Jack and Chloe makeout like high schoolers

I am fully prepared to gasp in both horror and surprise.