Crazy Ivans and the show that loves them

Sweet, delicious uranium.

24 Season 8 episode 5
1.25.10
7 p.m. to 8 p.m.

Everyone wants uranium, and some are willing to go that extra mile to obtain it, like have a random three-way with gender questionable Russian whores, which as we all know are the scariest kind.

Regardless, Hassan's bro is dedicated and has sacrificed his family and political career for the sweet taste of some weapons grade 235 uranium. Just don't fall in love with it, or you'll get the swine flu.

"Poppa! He needs a doctor!"

There's nothing more pathetic than a grown man screaming "Poppa!" in public, especially when the said "Poppa" isn't even within hearing distance. Only Madonna circa 1986 and the pregnant teen on Glee have the right to do so.

And why go through the trouble? Because in Russian culture no one should die in a cold room behind a kitchen...that place is reserved to kill democracy and freedom.

Unfortunately for Hassan, he doesn't have access to such a room and has to rely on power and human rights violations. This is what happens when a man loses access to dirty hooch: he seeks revenge. Or he engages in extortion.

What the frak is up with the lame Starbuck subplot? Dana was an accessory to murder as a minor? Kevin is in a criminal ambiguously gay duo? And can Freddie Prinze Jr. act without the perpetual confused look on his face?

At this point the 24 producers could probably splice in scenes from She's All That and no one would notice. Wait, they would notice because the scenes would be slightly less lame.

This is all made up thanks to Deathwish Walker, an ex-agent who has returned to NYC to clean up the streets of...oh wait Charles Bronson is dead.

Apparently Walker is good at putting bad guys away, going undercover and keeping calm under pressure, but she sucks at killing herself.

Bauer: "You're unstable!"

Deathwish answers with cold hard stare as she chews on a Russian thumb.

Bauer: "I'm gonna let it slide."

It's hard to disregard the crazy girl at the party, especially when she comes with multi-million dollar deals and engaging dialogue such as "Just do it!" and "I have nowhere else to go."

As for Bauer, he got Crazy Ivan'd and was left screaming "Dammit!" as he rage-drove on the streets of NYC. He may as well have been in a cold room behind a kitchen.