The Mysterious Case of Renee Walker

Renee Walker, thinking crazy thoughts

24 Season 8 Episode 3 and 4
6 p.m. to 8 p.m.
1.18.10

It seems the writer's of 24 have a dart board and on this dart board are various plots from past seasons that were their favorite. Tonight they hit "ironic torture of Jack," "villainous family member," and "hand gets cut off."

The product of placing the fate of this show to a game of chance means rehashed situations and the viewer feeling deja vu from time to time. It would almost be better for the writers to get some Colombian bam-bam and really stir some shit up.

Instead, we get Jack following up on a lead that brings him to a Queens basement where he is tortured for allegedly murdering a cop and his wife. He already had to drive to Queens and pay $100 for his street intel. If he was in the Bronx, he would have only had to pay $50. Or maybe just buy someone a hot dog.

So NYC cops take care of their own when they think someone has killed one of the city's boys in blue. I'm eagerly awaiting the Fox PSA about how NYC cops would never take the law into their own hands. I give it till the next episode.

But sometimes relying on actual evidence is bad too, as Brian "Bubba Gump" Hastings has proven. So far he sucks as managing his staff and connecting the dots of complicated political plots. What is he good at? Admitting he's wrong, covering up mistakes and using last-minute hires to head up an operation that could send international bad vibes if handled incorrectly.

And his new hires? Hot Agent Walker from last season and Jack "I'm not even supposed to be here today" Bauer. Only now Walker is like Bauer circa season 3 when he was hooked on the Colombian bam-bam. Yes, it all comes back to the bam-bam.

After meeting Jack 4 years ago, Walker has had the taste for torture and has been "going off-book" for fun. She doesn't want money. She wants to see terror in the eyes of men. She also wants to cut off thumbs.

With Jack's ax attack last night, we can now add lost thumb to the list of medieval fighting techniques. Next up should be either be a good round of eye-poking or the rarely used tickle torture (it's rarely used because 9 times out of 10, it just turns into an orgy. An awkward orgy.)

The White House is fairly more advanced. Instead of hand-to-hand combat, the politicians engaged in staring contests and attempt to psyche each other out by their emotional chiefs of freaking out.

Hassan's brother (who looks like the Bollywood version of Jason Schwartzman): You want us to do WHAT?

US Chief of Freaking Out Rob Weiss: I am FREAKING OUT man! This better be good! Everybody knows everything and I'm in a limo yelling into a phone. Aarrgh!

Neither character adds much to the show, though Bollywood Schwartzman gets an edge for his epic pen stabbing to the CTU drone (proving once more that drones can't protect against anything, be it missile launchers or pens bought from Staples).

It seems the brother was involved in a sale of nuclear weapons from the Russians, hence the hit on his brother via a Blackberry-rigged bomb under a manhole cover. I wonder if the Russians were pissed when they realized the blond journalist on the inside may have been a better way to kill President Hassan as opposed to the exploding manhole cover on the street.

Or maybe just sending in Walker Texas Chainsaw Massacre would have worked too. She was already a known operative in the Russian syndicate and could have at least chopped off Hassan's signing hand so no peace treaty could go forward.

But she's crazy and has been classified as "not ready" in Bauer's book of Those Allowed to Kick Ass. Jack's granddaughter also carries that same classification and will continue to do so until she gets her first knife at the age of 6.

Aside from her penchant for torture and the lack of moral compass, Jack's big clue probably came from the fact that Renee's undercover name was also Renee. Even drunken sorority girls in Vegas know you need a better cover than that to get away with lying.

Obvious statement of the week: From MPAT (Madame President Alison Taylor) "We only get betrayed by those we trust." Really? Did you know that guns can shoot bullets and that lactose intolerant kids shit after eating dairy?

Things I don't care about:

Faker Dana's potential evil/criminal past
Freddie Prinze Jr balancing CTU work and wedding planning
Arlo's hard-on for Fake Dana

Things I do care about:

The color Dana's hair was when she was "Jenny"
When Prinze Jr's character will say "There is a bomb...on this...bus"
How a guy named Arlo got anywhere in life without an acoustic guitar or a jug full of moonshine