Subterranean Gunfight Blues

24 Season 8 (The Last One) Episode 14
5 a.m. to 6 a.m.
3.29.10

The rods, in their non-glowing stupid glory, is now in the heart of NYC and, in a matter of 15 minutes, threatens to make the Upper West Side look like Trenton, New Jersey, complete with the radiation-poisoned zombies.

The terrorist terms? The delivery of President Hassan. The U.S. reaction: an almost unanimous "No Effing Way."

The minority position: ummm....would it really be that bad?

Chief of Being a Dick Weiss: "This is America. There are mostly Americans living in the Upper West Side. We have to protect Americans and not brown people yelling about peace treaties and missing daughters."

But because Prez Taylor subscribes to the "No Effing Way" response, that idea is struck down because America doesn't give in to terrorists and could use a good bombing so the country can do what she does best: get up after getting punched in the va-jay-jay.

Now that NYC is threatened, President Hassan must be ushered to safety. Unfortunately, Connecticut was already booked by David Letterman, which meant the Family Hassan had to be brought (and in one instance carried) to the rough roads of New Jersey for safety.

Bringing people to New Jersey to be safe is like putting a baby in a venus flytrap crib.

Ethan Kanin: "This is...beyond madness!"

No Ethan, this is SPPAAAARRTTTTAAA and Sparta men like Bauer don't question a plan that involves an underground escape route. What he does question is when he gets ass-called by people in the middle of an operation.

Bauer: "Kanin just called and didn't say anything. I heard muffled voices and it sounded like he was walking around...Eff this mission."

But it's too late. The Secretary of Being a Dick has already been peer pressured into hatching a plan that involves US military soldiers kidnapping the Hassan to take to the terrorists, which is being dubbed the "Two Birds" Strike...because it involves the ritual sacrifice of two birds in the process.

Sadly, this may actually be the best option since Starbuck the Mole is using her dead eyes and rough whispers to relay information to head badguy Samir. Why? Because someone eight years ago bet one of the 24 writers that they couldn't stretch a television show for eight seasons by implementing a plotline that involved a mole each year.

Unless the Chief of Being a Dick Weiss grows a heart (and he won't because the dudes who get appointed to this position have no soul and call everyone retarded), Hassan will be captured and handed over to head badguy Samir, turning the Tunnel of Freedom into a Subterranean Shitshow. This was made evident with Daughter Hassan's contribution this week of spraining her ankle, forcing others to carry her to safety.

As a counterattack, Bauer released the anti-terrorism Cracken, a la Clash of the Titans, and used smoke grenades and trickery to take down an elite team of US military men (or as elite as they can rustle up at 5 a.m., which is known around the world as "skank time" in strip clubs and military operations).

It doesn't matter. Starbuck Mole alerts the terrorists that the president has indeed signaled she is saying "No Effing Way" to their demands, causing Samir to put into motion a 15-minute doomsday clock for the Upper West Side that will have a brown man in a white van as ground zero once all the dust has settled.

And when this happens, what will Jersey's reaction be? "Dude. No. Effing. Way."

It's 4 a.m. and ears of CTU agents are still ringing and your only hope is...

I know computers and hate praise.

24 Season 8 Episode 13
4 a.m. to 5 p.m.
3.22.10

Since CTU has been EMP'd into the stone age, which is technically 1993 in tech terms, the once all-knowing, all-seeing and all-hearing entity has been reduced to traffic cams, phone with hardlines and remote-controlled drones circling the sky that will soon become self-aware and kill us all.

It's gotten so bad that the only thing the essential personnel at CTU can do is pass along reports of burned agents and flooding in the basement.

Bubba Gump: Flooding in the basement...will we drown?"
America: You're dumb without your fancy techno gizmos

The non-essential personnel was escorted outside with the rest of the scum, mainly because they didn't have access to the fancy CTU flashlights (you need a level 4 Hastings pass).

Thankfully, the NSA showed up with its magical box of cell phones and a by-the-book tech dude on a power trip. Why the bad attitude? Oh right, he's married and pushing geeky chics around is the only way he can feel powerful.

I'm not surprised. The NSA always gets a little anxious whenever anyone wants to get up in someone's Trunk Line, especially when it's the girl who makes weird faces into the camera. And because the writers never really explained why it was so dangerous to go through the Trunk Line, I have to believe it was because they weren't allowed to say "Let's just go up the ass and get the system running again" on national television...even on Fox.

Now that CTU is the deaf, dumb and blind kid (who can play a mean pinball), Jack is left to fend for himself with an actor desperately trying not to say "Dude" every 10 seconds (you can hear the intonation in his voice that he soooo wants to).

"Dude! There's snipers everywhere! That's a suicide play! Dude!"

But can it really be called a suicide play when Jack has fashioned an armored turtle float that is now crawling toward freedom? They should have called it the Slowsky Float, since it was going at dial-up speed. It would have been appropriate given the out-of-date tech theme of the night.

It's a shame Not-Owen-CTU man didn't trust Operation Human Shield. His punishment? Being turned into a bullet pinata for all to see.

However, the Slowski Initiative did little compared to the Bauer's "suicide" play of running around in circles and shooting blindly into the night with an automatic rifle. If this was a real suicide play, Jack would have C4 strapped to his back while holding a hand cannon and riding a rabid tiger.

This was all so that they could reach this mythical "hardline" telephone so they could call CTU, the federal agency that looks to recruit people who think differently, which in this case includes people with a penchant for Trunk Lines and grumpy-looking blondes who have a soft-spot for terrorism.

Yes, welcome to your new mole: Starbuck. Apparently the subplot was lame for a reason...and now we get to look forward to Freddy Prinze Jr's best attempt at his "What the...." face when he finds out.

At least we got to see Prady try to cop a feel before he choked out. Like riding a rabid tiger to your death, there's the lame way to go out and then there's the classy way.

How to win a war: Use hysterical women and yellow Taxis

File 33 is well protected with graphics and Velcro

24 Season 8 Episode 12
3 a.m. to 4 a.m.
3.15.10

I had a File 33 once. It held printouts of chatroom logs from a girl I met online, as well as the skematics for my super-cool funhouse I was going to build with tinfoil and scrap wood. I was also 12 and thought it was a good idea to have all my important information in once place. Apparently Omar is on par with the Secret Spy Club organization I formed in my preteen years.

The mysterious "File 33" was announced and revealed in the same episode (which is something Lost could learn from) and was shown to hold all of the fatal flaws of the U.S. It knew about our defensive weak points (California) and the area where, if hit, would crush the American spirit (surprisingly, it's the Ben & Jerry's Factory in Vermont).

The mere existence of File 33 also revealed Bauer's true feelings on immigration issues.

Bauer: Dude, your family brought this messed-up shit into the country. So you get just geeeeeeeet out.

What's that? You want Bauer to save your daughter instead of millions of American lives? Tough shit. When it comes to Team America JB is all about yelling at the NYPD and playing with his laptop while going 80 mph down the street. That's freedom people...and it costs a buck o five.

Despite its cost, it's something the rest of the world envies and some people are willing to take some phallic nuclear rods and light our ass up like the Fourth of July...because we got the bombs.

In retaliation for their jealously, they have deployed a hysterical woman named Kayla who's really good being a 16-year-old girl in a twentysomething's body and following point-to-point directions to CTU while driving a car and screaming "I don't know where I am!" out the window.

Poor Kayla...how can your dad run a country when his child hasn't even been trained on how to send signals via a terrorist video?

Being able to pick up on subtle shit like that is what Team America is all about, which is why Jack can figure out when an immigrant is faking an American accent (it just feels wrong). Deciphering yellow taxis? That's another story entirely.

Bauer: It's empty! EMPTY!

You know what else is empty? The interest the American public has for the Starbuck Storyline of Resurrected Plots. Dude #2 shows up and demands information. Granted, it's allowed Stephen Root into the building who is capable of being dramatically creepy as well as being a dodgeball master.

At this point, I wish Kevin would rise up and just kill Starbuck a la Jason Takes Manhattan. Truckasaurus should show up just to be sure the job gets done.

And then after Truckasaurus kills Starbuck, it can go to CTU and show Bubba Gump how to run things as opposed to yelling "Good work people!" prematurely and running down the hall yelling security.

A goddamn bomb is showing up at your place of bidness and your first reaction is to race down the hall yelling "SECURITY!" instead of picking up the phone and hitting the red button for security?

Maybe Bubba Gump will do better when he's not surrounded by all this fancy technology and is forced to catch criminals Miami Vice style, with brick-like cellphones, beepers, cheap suits and good old fashion street fights. And Tubs. You can't do shit without Tubs. Respect.

The Man in the Box

24 Season 8 Episode 11
3.8.10
2 a.m. to 3 a.m.

Apparently even a man locked in a box with a bomb vest on (Target will be the first to jump on the new fashion statement this summer) is no match for the Bauer, who used his angry Care Bear stare through the window and threats of turning people's moms into radiation zombies to convince Half-White Terrorist Marcus out of hiding.

Sure, you can try drilling through the door or engage in political discussions, but the only way to really coax a would-be suicide bomber is to bring his unsuspecting mom down to the hospital and make her cry into a camera. In some countries, this is also how the local police force get hardened criminals to confess to crimes. Except in Mexico, where everyone and their mother is guilty of something (occasionally it's being too sexy).

The other piece of tension aside from that? Watching green dots appear on the vest. One at a time. Every 10 minutes.

Take into account the demotion of Starbuck and Bubba Gump saying her and her angry-distrusting-husband-to-be are replaceable (though not right now because it takes forever to set up the obstacle course), and you've got yourself a boring and shitty episode.

One thing saved it: Stephen Root and his evil beard. But instead of the Red Stapler from Office Space, Root is armed with a southern accent and impeccable timing. Of course the criminal who just died would have his parole officer come looking for him in NYC at 2 a.m. This is where insanity never sleeps (or leaves you alone at the bar).

This is more evidence that one should never answer their phone at 2 a.m. It either leads to unwarranted accusations or an ugly drunk girl. Yes, you'll have a new story to tell at the bar, but it takes a week for the shame to come off.

Starbuck: Cole! Kevin's parole officer is in town and I dunno what to do!
Cole: Just lie. Whore. Sorry, I didn't mean to say that....whore.

Offering strategical advice and being passive aggressive at the same time is one of the many merit badges available for the CTU boyscout. Of course, those who wish to "trade-up" can demean themselves with Arlo, the sleazy tech guy (which is part of the last leg of the recruitment obstacle course for newbies).

Oh you like sleazy sex in fancy hotels? Then come on down to House of Tarin, where men talk of Amnesty and the women are naive. And there are free showers for everyone (but all must shower alone!).

So President Hassan has been vindicated for his irrational fears and paranoia. Next up on his agenda? Random pantsings...just to see who is a closeted tighty whitey.

And now Bauer is on his way to the hotel room of ill repute, where he will use his specialist skills to break up another seemingly happy couple. In the Olive Garden commercial of life, Bauer is the Kool Aid Man of justice, ready to bust into any scene to make it more interesting and refreshing. Or, in the case of all the families in those Olive Garden commercials, drown their stupid pasta-eating faces in their stupid chicken Alfredo.

OG commercials, the gauntlet has been thrown.

Dirty Bombs in the Street and in the Bedroom

24 Season 8 Episode 10
1 a.m. to 2 a.m.
3.1.10

With the Academy Awards only a week away, it's fitting that we honor the brave men and women who use their acting abilities for justice, as opposed to making millions by playing one dimension characters one screen that earns them the right to be followed by TMZ.com.

The CTU drama crew has a long, prestigious history, and for tonight's episode, they spared no expense in tomfoolery and emotional emptiness. It was by far the greatest display of counter-terrorism chutzpah ever captured on film.

While others with simplistic minds may draw comparisons to Weekend at Bernie's or Driving Miss Daisy or any other film about someone carrying around corpse, they'll miss the subtle touches employed by the CTU drama crew to convey the rawest emotion in the human spectrum: fear.

For a second, the audience was truly captivated by the player Owen, who translated the look of "Oops I crapped my pants" with a stunning conviction that it would be hard pressed to find anyone who didn't think he had some extra baggage in his shorts.

And during the pivotal show-me-your-bomb scene, Owen elevated the reality of the moment with his stoic "No, show me" response to the flabbergasted bomb-vested opponent (who happens to be white. C'mon, do they get ALL the roles for the stage?).

So bravo Owen, you win in the 12 and under category for best frightened boy on television.



As for the best whimpering, that goes to Fahrad, the waste of a character who was apparently only brought on as an excuse to bring the CTU drama crew out of retirement. Other than that, he proved he had two other viable skills: whimpering into cell phones and getting shot in the street.

It was all in the name of spreading the news that the dirty rods were going to be used to make a dirty bomb that would go off all over the dirty mattress that was New York City. And the nuclear explosion would be so massive that no one would be able to have sex in dirty NYC apartments and alleys for the next 40 years.

So it's good that Daughter Hassan and her security boy lover have consummated their lame loveplot of crappiness with a late-night what-what as their people try frantically to find them. Though, thanks to all the moaning, Hassan's security detail should be able to locate them soon, especially since they have acute hearing through shut car doors.

You know what else they can hear through shut car doors? Pre-marital tension. Though some studies have found that couples who kill and bury their dead together have a better chance of "making it" when compared to their peers who just got married for the kids. So we're saying there's a chance for Starbuck and Cole...as long as they keep on dumping scum in random ponds.

Perhaps they should take a page out of the Bauer Book of Love to get their relationship on track.

Step 1: Tell girl she's unstable
Step 2: Role play
Step 3: Get stabbed by girl
Step 4: Break girl out of accusatory debrief
Step 5: Shame head of CTU to drop charges on girl
Step 6: Tell girl to wait for you in your apartment...naked

Through Bauer's six-step plan, anyone can get the crazy girl of their dreams, and possibly their old job back, which is important in today's weak economy. If it gets any worse, the CTU drama crew won't be able to participate in the annual Shakespeare in the Park with Guns event this summer, which would be a shame. Owen plays a really good Juliette.