Subterranean Gunfight Blues

24 Season 8 (The Last One) Episode 14
5 a.m. to 6 a.m.
3.29.10

The rods, in their non-glowing stupid glory, is now in the heart of NYC and, in a matter of 15 minutes, threatens to make the Upper West Side look like Trenton, New Jersey, complete with the radiation-poisoned zombies.

The terrorist terms? The delivery of President Hassan. The U.S. reaction: an almost unanimous "No Effing Way."

The minority position: ummm....would it really be that bad?

Chief of Being a Dick Weiss: "This is America. There are mostly Americans living in the Upper West Side. We have to protect Americans and not brown people yelling about peace treaties and missing daughters."

But because Prez Taylor subscribes to the "No Effing Way" response, that idea is struck down because America doesn't give in to terrorists and could use a good bombing so the country can do what she does best: get up after getting punched in the va-jay-jay.

Now that NYC is threatened, President Hassan must be ushered to safety. Unfortunately, Connecticut was already booked by David Letterman, which meant the Family Hassan had to be brought (and in one instance carried) to the rough roads of New Jersey for safety.

Bringing people to New Jersey to be safe is like putting a baby in a venus flytrap crib.

Ethan Kanin: "This is...beyond madness!"

No Ethan, this is SPPAAAARRTTTTAAA and Sparta men like Bauer don't question a plan that involves an underground escape route. What he does question is when he gets ass-called by people in the middle of an operation.

Bauer: "Kanin just called and didn't say anything. I heard muffled voices and it sounded like he was walking around...Eff this mission."

But it's too late. The Secretary of Being a Dick has already been peer pressured into hatching a plan that involves US military soldiers kidnapping the Hassan to take to the terrorists, which is being dubbed the "Two Birds" Strike...because it involves the ritual sacrifice of two birds in the process.

Sadly, this may actually be the best option since Starbuck the Mole is using her dead eyes and rough whispers to relay information to head badguy Samir. Why? Because someone eight years ago bet one of the 24 writers that they couldn't stretch a television show for eight seasons by implementing a plotline that involved a mole each year.

Unless the Chief of Being a Dick Weiss grows a heart (and he won't because the dudes who get appointed to this position have no soul and call everyone retarded), Hassan will be captured and handed over to head badguy Samir, turning the Tunnel of Freedom into a Subterranean Shitshow. This was made evident with Daughter Hassan's contribution this week of spraining her ankle, forcing others to carry her to safety.

As a counterattack, Bauer released the anti-terrorism Cracken, a la Clash of the Titans, and used smoke grenades and trickery to take down an elite team of US military men (or as elite as they can rustle up at 5 a.m., which is known around the world as "skank time" in strip clubs and military operations).

It doesn't matter. Starbuck Mole alerts the terrorists that the president has indeed signaled she is saying "No Effing Way" to their demands, causing Samir to put into motion a 15-minute doomsday clock for the Upper West Side that will have a brown man in a white van as ground zero once all the dust has settled.

And when this happens, what will Jersey's reaction be? "Dude. No. Effing. Way."