The Man in the Box

24 Season 8 Episode 11
3.8.10
2 a.m. to 3 a.m.

Apparently even a man locked in a box with a bomb vest on (Target will be the first to jump on the new fashion statement this summer) is no match for the Bauer, who used his angry Care Bear stare through the window and threats of turning people's moms into radiation zombies to convince Half-White Terrorist Marcus out of hiding.

Sure, you can try drilling through the door or engage in political discussions, but the only way to really coax a would-be suicide bomber is to bring his unsuspecting mom down to the hospital and make her cry into a camera. In some countries, this is also how the local police force get hardened criminals to confess to crimes. Except in Mexico, where everyone and their mother is guilty of something (occasionally it's being too sexy).

The other piece of tension aside from that? Watching green dots appear on the vest. One at a time. Every 10 minutes.

Take into account the demotion of Starbuck and Bubba Gump saying her and her angry-distrusting-husband-to-be are replaceable (though not right now because it takes forever to set up the obstacle course), and you've got yourself a boring and shitty episode.

One thing saved it: Stephen Root and his evil beard. But instead of the Red Stapler from Office Space, Root is armed with a southern accent and impeccable timing. Of course the criminal who just died would have his parole officer come looking for him in NYC at 2 a.m. This is where insanity never sleeps (or leaves you alone at the bar).

This is more evidence that one should never answer their phone at 2 a.m. It either leads to unwarranted accusations or an ugly drunk girl. Yes, you'll have a new story to tell at the bar, but it takes a week for the shame to come off.

Starbuck: Cole! Kevin's parole officer is in town and I dunno what to do!
Cole: Just lie. Whore. Sorry, I didn't mean to say that....whore.

Offering strategical advice and being passive aggressive at the same time is one of the many merit badges available for the CTU boyscout. Of course, those who wish to "trade-up" can demean themselves with Arlo, the sleazy tech guy (which is part of the last leg of the recruitment obstacle course for newbies).

Oh you like sleazy sex in fancy hotels? Then come on down to House of Tarin, where men talk of Amnesty and the women are naive. And there are free showers for everyone (but all must shower alone!).

So President Hassan has been vindicated for his irrational fears and paranoia. Next up on his agenda? Random pantsings...just to see who is a closeted tighty whitey.

And now Bauer is on his way to the hotel room of ill repute, where he will use his specialist skills to break up another seemingly happy couple. In the Olive Garden commercial of life, Bauer is the Kool Aid Man of justice, ready to bust into any scene to make it more interesting and refreshing. Or, in the case of all the families in those Olive Garden commercials, drown their stupid pasta-eating faces in their stupid chicken Alfredo.

OG commercials, the gauntlet has been thrown.