How to win a war: Use hysterical women and yellow Taxis

File 33 is well protected with graphics and Velcro

24 Season 8 Episode 12
3 a.m. to 4 a.m.
3.15.10

I had a File 33 once. It held printouts of chatroom logs from a girl I met online, as well as the skematics for my super-cool funhouse I was going to build with tinfoil and scrap wood. I was also 12 and thought it was a good idea to have all my important information in once place. Apparently Omar is on par with the Secret Spy Club organization I formed in my preteen years.

The mysterious "File 33" was announced and revealed in the same episode (which is something Lost could learn from) and was shown to hold all of the fatal flaws of the U.S. It knew about our defensive weak points (California) and the area where, if hit, would crush the American spirit (surprisingly, it's the Ben & Jerry's Factory in Vermont).

The mere existence of File 33 also revealed Bauer's true feelings on immigration issues.

Bauer: Dude, your family brought this messed-up shit into the country. So you get just geeeeeeeet out.

What's that? You want Bauer to save your daughter instead of millions of American lives? Tough shit. When it comes to Team America JB is all about yelling at the NYPD and playing with his laptop while going 80 mph down the street. That's freedom people...and it costs a buck o five.

Despite its cost, it's something the rest of the world envies and some people are willing to take some phallic nuclear rods and light our ass up like the Fourth of July...because we got the bombs.

In retaliation for their jealously, they have deployed a hysterical woman named Kayla who's really good being a 16-year-old girl in a twentysomething's body and following point-to-point directions to CTU while driving a car and screaming "I don't know where I am!" out the window.

Poor Kayla...how can your dad run a country when his child hasn't even been trained on how to send signals via a terrorist video?

Being able to pick up on subtle shit like that is what Team America is all about, which is why Jack can figure out when an immigrant is faking an American accent (it just feels wrong). Deciphering yellow taxis? That's another story entirely.

Bauer: It's empty! EMPTY!

You know what else is empty? The interest the American public has for the Starbuck Storyline of Resurrected Plots. Dude #2 shows up and demands information. Granted, it's allowed Stephen Root into the building who is capable of being dramatically creepy as well as being a dodgeball master.

At this point, I wish Kevin would rise up and just kill Starbuck a la Jason Takes Manhattan. Truckasaurus should show up just to be sure the job gets done.

And then after Truckasaurus kills Starbuck, it can go to CTU and show Bubba Gump how to run things as opposed to yelling "Good work people!" prematurely and running down the hall yelling security.

A goddamn bomb is showing up at your place of bidness and your first reaction is to race down the hall yelling "SECURITY!" instead of picking up the phone and hitting the red button for security?

Maybe Bubba Gump will do better when he's not surrounded by all this fancy technology and is forced to catch criminals Miami Vice style, with brick-like cellphones, beepers, cheap suits and good old fashion street fights. And Tubs. You can't do shit without Tubs. Respect.