The sexy and enticing thrill of "crossing the line"

MPAT, bored before she "crossed the line"

24 Season 8 Episode 19
10 a.m. to 11 a.m.
4.26.10

Not since President Clinton turned the White House into the Fun House was "crossing the line" this much fun and terrifying to watch.

What is "crossing the line" you ask? It's when someone runs past that point in one's sub-conscience that allows a person to go off the rails of sanity and suddenly embrace a world where things like grabbing a co-worker's boob, farting in a crowded elevator and torturing for a meaningless peace treaty suddenly sound like rational and viable ideas.

CTU Director Scowlface Chloe: "Jack, you're not thinking clearly. You need to calm the eff down."

Bauercopter: Bauer hears you, Bauer don't care.

Why has Bauer crossed the line and turned into a federal fugitive? The only reason your Uncle John wakes up at 7 a.m. to salute the American flag by firing a couple of rounds with his shotgun: to "git" the Russians.

Bauer's plan is for people to expose themselves out in the open...so all may know their shame. In this case, it's the Russian government for being the shadow terrorist for the entire season and for putting Starbuck in a shitty role with a really tight and revealing purple shirt (I salute you, 24 costume designers. Well played).

Despite Bauer's efforts, the U.S. government has declared the Russian evidence as "too evil," which is the same classification they gave Strom Thurmand's past and John Edwards' charisma.

Luckily, the peace process has a f(r)iend in President Allison Taylor, who is determined as a fat kid at a buffet to get what she wants, no matter the cost. In this case, the cost is waterboarding an enemy combatant and enraging one Jack Bauer.

This idea came from Charles "my neckfat is distracting" Logan who is turning into a combination of Iago and Richard III (yes, I was an English major too) in the twilight hours of 24's life.

Bauer's reaction to being an enemy of the state? Speed dial Michael Madsen and order up some weapons, which is the same thing I do when I get home and the dinner is cold (or, worse, still moving).

Bauer also enlisted the help of Freddie Prinze Jr. because after less than a day of working with him, Jack "knows" the Jr. enough to understand his patriotic soul. After a day has passed, Jack will also be able to tell when you are double crossing him, to pinpoint where you lost your keys and why you faked that orgasm that one time with that guy you met at Country Thunder.

And the only thing Bauer hates more than fake orgasms are fake treaties born from lying liars that have no hope in producing worldwide peace.

The line between peace and justice is caked in vengenance and grand larceny

When two crazies get it on, sparks and bullets will fly

24 Season 8 Episode 18
9 a.m. to 10 a.m.
4.19.10

In the world of 24, peace can never exist for two reasons: it's boring and no one wants to see the Russians at any table, even the kiddie one on Thanksgiving.

With world peace an angry Russian away, Bauer is convinced that no peace is worth it when it has been born from the blood of the innocent. Especially when the innocent is a redhead who was a wild early morning lay.

Crazy uncle Logan's sleeziness has finally come in handy and has found a way to blackmail the Russians into returning to the Peace Table that will produce a treaty that will aim to bring peace to the world.

President Taylor: "You have a sex tape right? Wait, it's worse than a sex tape?"

PT is wasting her time living in the TMZ world of shame. Who needs a sex tape when you happen to know the Russians are behind a plot to ensure peace never breaks out in the Middle East, Europe or Jersey?

According to Logan, they are bastards who orchestrated the Nukes entering the States, the various assassination attempts on Hassan and for implementing Dana Walsh into the plot (most likely their worst offense of all). And the crux of Logan's plan? The simple playground threat of "I'm telling on you."

Logan's wild accusations are enough for the Russians to retract their previous stance of "Um, not really feeling it guys" to "Pass the peace pasta bowl so I can take a massive helping of political posturing."

This means (The Black) Dahlia will be sitting at the peace table across from the very people who indirectly killed her husband. Think of that Thanksgiving when your aunt met her ex-husband's new younger wife who works at Hooters. It's like that.

So while peace is coming through the backdoor (hold for immature laughter), which is the only way Logan will have it, Bauer is running around yelling at Russians in courtrooms and slapping moles with his fist to get to the bottom of the truth.

Chloe: "Jack! Stop hitting people!"
Freddie Prinze Jr: "Just let him play Chloe...he had a lot of sugar this morning" (pssft. sugar = sex).

Though he gets Dana "I will only stare into the camera with dead eyes" Walsh to start talking, Bauer is denied the chance to prove his lead right. Instead, el presidente wants peace thanks to a Julius Caesar quote and the fact that she already had 1 million posters declaring her "The Peacemaker" made up the week before (Homeland Security has to do something with its budget and lack of leadership. Poster making seemed like an obvious evolution).

And to ensure peace, President Taylor makes the bold move of putting Jack in a federal timeout for debriefing. Fatal mistake. Bauer reacts by leaving 24 behind and playing Grand Theft Auto with New York City.

Why do this? Because while peace sounds like a nice concept, the world runs on the war economy and guns will always be cooler than flowers...unless those flowers are filled with poisoned bullets that can shoot out of its petals.

The Quest for Peace and a Girl who can Survive a Post-Coital Shooting

RIP: Walker, Sexual Ranger

24 Season 8 Episode 17
8 a.m. to 9 a.m.
4.12.10

After 8 seasons of 24, the Bauer has finally done what his gun has done at least 500 times before: go off.

For 20 minutes in his Ikea-friendly apartment, Bauer interrogated Walker's va-jay-jay with his man pistol and found out she was working for Morning Glory Deliveries and that she's very good at her job (so good that her performance was enough to distract the assassin outside to hold-off on shooting and use his scope as his own personal pornfinder).

Out of all the women that Bauer has allegedly bedded (Amnesia Teri, Nemesis Nina, Big Lips Claudia, Comatose Audrey), only Renee could match Bauer's animalistic violence. And let's face it, redheads are dynamite in the sack.

Freddie Prinze: "Jack. You have to get debriefed."

Bauer: "I do all my debriefing at home...with women. Not in an empty room with other dudes watching another dude scribble words on a page. Weirdo."

It's the perfect time to get it on since sex is so much dirtier when the prospect for peace dies. And with President Hassan now dead, there isn't much for President Allison "I suck at marriages and peace processes" Taylor to do anymore...except to scold Russian leaders about their anxiety toward peace.

Russian dude: "Mother Russia will never sign such documents about peace unless you provide an inspiring speech on par with the ending of Rocky IV...or ressurect Dolph Lundgren's career. Either way, we wait."

Ah the Russians. It seems 24 will always have a soft-spot for America's Cold War dance partner, and what better way to end the series than with more white men with bad foreign accents (a la Dennis Hopper's bad accent in Season 1) who don't want peace?

Why else would they dispatch a covert cell to kill CTU's only lead in the case (Samir) and attempt to Sniper Bauer and Walker (Worst. Sniper. Ever. Which is what you get when you're made in Russia #sweetcoldwarburn).

And really, was it the sniper bullet or Jack' sperm that killed Walker? I'm guessing it was a combination of both.

Mother Hassan: "What what WHAT?"

Apparently, the final hours of 24 will be an attempt to bring peace to a fictional world that has seen numerous atrocities occur in Los Angeles, and occasionally elsewhere in the world (amazingly, Pittsburgh has been spared...but not from its regular shame).

So in an effort to save the world and bring Treaty Peace to the Middle East (the peace is on paper, not in the streets), Mother Hassan is showing what brown can do for the US and has taken her slain husband's place as president and as being the rough, cold-hearted parent to the eternal whining naive preteen that is Kayla Hassan.

President Hassan, female'd: "Shut up Kayla and get in the limo!"

(I still think the writers lost a bet and are now forced to keep her in the plot at all times).

But how does one protect Peace Process 2.0? With the awkwardness and scowl-faced stares that only Chloe O'Brian can produce.

Bubba Gump's rule as director of CTU is now over, and he leaves a wall of shame that includes the hiring of Starbuck the mole and running down the hall yelling "Seccuuuuuurity!" in an effort to, you guessed it, alert security.

The most technologically advanced CTU office in the country (they have drones that fly remember? 60 percent of the time, they work every time) and this guy thought the best way to sound an alarm was the Paul Revere way. Fool.

With Chloe in charge of things, thanks to the decision by Homeland Security Tim, she can now prove she's smarter than a fifth grader (Prinze Jr) and give hope to the socially awkward in society. If you're right most of the time, no one will care that you're weird and never smile.

However, the key to Peace Process 2.0 is shamed ex-President Logan and his secret Russian files that are apparently legal and have no potential at disgracing the current president. Here's a tip. When you have to explain that your plan isn't illegal and shameful, than it's probably worse than those two combined.

Peace Process 2.0 is doomed anyway. Now that the woman Bauer deposited his sperm into has died, he will no doubt be out for revenge. Every sperm is sacred, but more so when it comes from the man who only has 7 episodes to quench his thirst for violence and counterterrorism.

All I'm saying, is that maybe we should give pizza a chance

Someday, my peace will come...

24 Season 8 Episode 15-16
6 a.m. to 8 a.m.
4.5.10

After being a man of war and purveyor of western whores, President Hassan tried to do something no one thought possible. He tried to bring peace to a television show based on war, terror and violence. In the end, he paid the ultimate price after hearing a list of his alleged crimes, which included:

-being an infidel
-having too much hair
-spawning the most annoying daughter in 24 history
-trying to screw up the Slumdog Millionaire
-failing to negotiate a White Castle franchise for his country in the peace treat

The lesson? Never try. Or at the very least give pizza a chance as opposed to peace. Studies on the internet from the Institute of Wayward Facts suggest that 83 percent more people embrace the notion of $1 slice Thursdays as opposed to worldwide peace.

Instead, Hassan's life was taken in a secret backroom in an apartment inhabited by two human shields posing as a mother and her child.

How did we get to this conclusion that showed Bauer weeping at the cold corpse of Hassan? A calculated fuck-up orchestrated by White House officials, a CTU mole and a boy who loved his girlfriend so much that he was willing to forget about her whole felony past.

It was a spectacular display of shame on all accounts, save for Bubba Gump setting up a security detail that required people to ask his permission to leave the building. Apparently treating counterterrorist agents as 6-year-olds paid off.

And though his end goal was peace, Hassan eventually stepped into harm's way to protect the white women and children in Manhattan from being exposed to a dirty bomb. It's already enough they have to deal with MTV and a deluge of reality stars puking in the city's alleyways. A dirty bomb going off and spreading its dirtiness on the Upper West Side would have pushed the city to the edge, inspiring nightly re-enactments of the "Rowdy" Roddy Piper six-minute fight scene from They Live.

Thanks to Hassan that reality won't exist. In its place is a reality where supercop agents (a la Bauer) can steal whatever car they want and terrorists can use Bluetooth headsets and a cup of coffee to conduct kidnappings.

It's a world where the White House Chief of Being a Dick oversteps his boundaries and sacrifices a career (and possibly a life) for the good of the NYC elite, and where moles like Dana "The Strangler" Walsh find a better motive for terrorist other than money.

"Isn't it always?"

To borrow a phrase from Chief of Staff Rob "I'm here for the heart attack" Weiss: "Really? Reeealllly?"

We were led to believe that she had such reservations helping her ex-boyfriend Kevin score and it turns out she's the same...only her crimes of choice is treason and breaking hearts.

Poor Freddie Prinze Jr. He just wanted to know what love was...and now he knows. It's fraught with accusations, suspicion and pain. Happy Valentine's Day friendo.

It's ok though. CTU has a wellness center that assists agents who have been emotionally compromised. It consists of someone from upper management providing a long hard stare, squinting their eyes and saying, "Get over it."

The CTU wellness pledge may come in handy during "The Final Hours" of 24 (on television), which may allow us to forgive things such as Chloe figuring out where Hassan was located in the building from the way the sunlight hit his face during the grainy terrorist video (good guys have Cisco, bad guys have Skype) and Bauer playing the "If you're brown, get down!" game.

For now, we're all in the metaphorical Situation Room, watching the final scenes of 24 play out and waiting for an epic death or for a guy from Jersey with a ridiculous pair of abs. Either way, it's going to be creepy and weird, and despite some of the best efforts from some of the heroes of 24, there will still be some countries that still don't have access to pizza.