The Quest for Peace and a Girl who can Survive a Post-Coital Shooting

RIP: Walker, Sexual Ranger

24 Season 8 Episode 17
8 a.m. to 9 a.m.
4.12.10

After 8 seasons of 24, the Bauer has finally done what his gun has done at least 500 times before: go off.

For 20 minutes in his Ikea-friendly apartment, Bauer interrogated Walker's va-jay-jay with his man pistol and found out she was working for Morning Glory Deliveries and that she's very good at her job (so good that her performance was enough to distract the assassin outside to hold-off on shooting and use his scope as his own personal pornfinder).

Out of all the women that Bauer has allegedly bedded (Amnesia Teri, Nemesis Nina, Big Lips Claudia, Comatose Audrey), only Renee could match Bauer's animalistic violence. And let's face it, redheads are dynamite in the sack.

Freddie Prinze: "Jack. You have to get debriefed."

Bauer: "I do all my debriefing at home...with women. Not in an empty room with other dudes watching another dude scribble words on a page. Weirdo."

It's the perfect time to get it on since sex is so much dirtier when the prospect for peace dies. And with President Hassan now dead, there isn't much for President Allison "I suck at marriages and peace processes" Taylor to do anymore...except to scold Russian leaders about their anxiety toward peace.

Russian dude: "Mother Russia will never sign such documents about peace unless you provide an inspiring speech on par with the ending of Rocky IV...or ressurect Dolph Lundgren's career. Either way, we wait."

Ah the Russians. It seems 24 will always have a soft-spot for America's Cold War dance partner, and what better way to end the series than with more white men with bad foreign accents (a la Dennis Hopper's bad accent in Season 1) who don't want peace?

Why else would they dispatch a covert cell to kill CTU's only lead in the case (Samir) and attempt to Sniper Bauer and Walker (Worst. Sniper. Ever. Which is what you get when you're made in Russia #sweetcoldwarburn).

And really, was it the sniper bullet or Jack' sperm that killed Walker? I'm guessing it was a combination of both.

Mother Hassan: "What what WHAT?"

Apparently, the final hours of 24 will be an attempt to bring peace to a fictional world that has seen numerous atrocities occur in Los Angeles, and occasionally elsewhere in the world (amazingly, Pittsburgh has been spared...but not from its regular shame).

So in an effort to save the world and bring Treaty Peace to the Middle East (the peace is on paper, not in the streets), Mother Hassan is showing what brown can do for the US and has taken her slain husband's place as president and as being the rough, cold-hearted parent to the eternal whining naive preteen that is Kayla Hassan.

President Hassan, female'd: "Shut up Kayla and get in the limo!"

(I still think the writers lost a bet and are now forced to keep her in the plot at all times).

But how does one protect Peace Process 2.0? With the awkwardness and scowl-faced stares that only Chloe O'Brian can produce.

Bubba Gump's rule as director of CTU is now over, and he leaves a wall of shame that includes the hiring of Starbuck the mole and running down the hall yelling "Seccuuuuuurity!" in an effort to, you guessed it, alert security.

The most technologically advanced CTU office in the country (they have drones that fly remember? 60 percent of the time, they work every time) and this guy thought the best way to sound an alarm was the Paul Revere way. Fool.

With Chloe in charge of things, thanks to the decision by Homeland Security Tim, she can now prove she's smarter than a fifth grader (Prinze Jr) and give hope to the socially awkward in society. If you're right most of the time, no one will care that you're weird and never smile.

However, the key to Peace Process 2.0 is shamed ex-President Logan and his secret Russian files that are apparently legal and have no potential at disgracing the current president. Here's a tip. When you have to explain that your plan isn't illegal and shameful, than it's probably worse than those two combined.

Peace Process 2.0 is doomed anyway. Now that the woman Bauer deposited his sperm into has died, he will no doubt be out for revenge. Every sperm is sacred, but more so when it comes from the man who only has 7 episodes to quench his thirst for violence and counterterrorism.