5.25.2010

Nothing Kills More Than Words

Everybody wants dirty, sexy peace

24 Season 8, episodes 23 and 24
2 p.m. to 5 p.m.
5.24.10


In the end, all mama wanted was a little peace, which was calling her like Columbian Bam Bam to a junkie who had just downed an energy drink.

But in order to get it, people had to die, dudes had to lose ears and Bauer had to be treated like Terrorist Jack so that Mama MPAT could snuggle up against sweet delicate peace at night and stroke its nubile body as countries disarmed their nuclear missiles.

And you thought the final Bauer post wouldn't get weird. That's shameful surprise you're feeling.

Thankfully for all of us, Mama MPAT chose her bedfellow long ago in Logan and, like his lovemaking, their entire professional relationship has been fraught with looks of dismay, disappointment and indigestion (no one should talk to Logan after eating a tuna sandwich).

On the other side we had Mother Hassan and Meredith Reed, two women who were on the slanted lines of a political love triangle in the beginning of the season, only to reconnect indirectly in the name of peace. This also led me to imagine them making out with each other as a way to show the world just how sexy peace could be (24 just isn't the same without a hot lesbian storyline).

Add a shot of Russian rage to the entire mix, and you have all the ingredients needed to set off a Bauer Bloodlust that knows no bounds.

"Dude! Wait...I have a daughter! Look at my tears! They are real!!"

Apparently where bullets and punches to the gut failed, compassionate words spewed out by scared hostages were the only weapons strong enough to pierce the angry bear heart of Bauer. It's probably because weepy pleas of emotion are things Terrorist Jack doesn't understand. His world consists of a duffel bag of war and a penchant for catching people by surprise in the backseat of their car.

(If Jack Bauer ever pops up in the backseat of my car with a gun, I can guarantee I will piss, poop and vomit all over myself simultaneously).

Terrorist Jack has done what so many salesguys have done in offices across America: he's crossed the line, though instead of doing it to bag as many of the ladder-climbing whores from corporate as possible, he's done so in the name of justice, which is the political way of saying "murdering spree."

But there's a reason for all the butchering (aside from the writers piling on as much violence as possible in the final season). There is evidence of Russian shame, and Jack has packaged it with a bonus video blog of his thoughts on how peace can be won, which is only through trust and with both sides coming willingly to the table.

Oh that's how peace is won? It's not through threats of nuclear war and presidential assassinations?

No friends, Grandpa Bauer is talking about the hippies' dream of peace where everyone had to be high and clueless. This is when peace is pure, and untouched by Russian hands. It's the kind of peace that has a kind of sexy innocence to it, much like Chloe walking the halls with a pistol in her hands and a complete lack of confidence.

Terrorist Jack: "Dammit Chloe who else knows I'm here!!"
Scowl Face: "Nobody. I mean Cole. And Arlo. And the vending machine that gave up your reflection."

And then follows the second instance where compassionate words spewed by a scared hostage saved their life. According to Chloe, there is another way all of this can end, and it involves broadcasting the evidence over the internet for all to hear, which is a subtle jab to the journalism industry (so now they are completely useless even in the make-believe land of television. Awesome).

Unfortunately, Logan's guard-dog Pillar is really good at waking up from being knocked unconscious and orders Chloe and Cole's arrest, and confiscates the evidence. Though not before Bauer confiscates a bit of Pillar's ear. And why not? Every crazy show deserves to have its main character play the let-me-whisper-you-closer-so-I-can-bite-off-your-fucking-ear game.

Somehow, amidst all the madness and cannibalism, Mama MPAT political heart grew three sizes that day, thanks to Bauer vlog pleading for peace, forcing her to admit her role in a conspiracy, which equally forced her to make strange animalistic yelps in the elevator (at least it wasn't on camera for the news because then she would have been depicted as crooked and creepy...which is a combo that no politician can bounce back from).

Again, words were shown to be stronger than anything else in the room (it was filled with a combination of murder and sexual tension. I'll let you decided which belonged to who) and it proved biting enough to kill the peace treaty baby and to convince Logan to off his wonderkid Pillar before blasting his head with a bullet (although he failed at suicide too...which makes me think he'll be a deformed menace in the possible 24 movie).

Which brings us to the end: The final scenes of 24 where, thanks to mysterious CTU drones (that were apparently equipped with missiles? WTF?), everyone got to see on the big CTU screen. It was probably thanks to Cisco (I'd like Telepresence please).

Random Government dude: "I know who you are. I'll make this quick and painless."
Bauer: "I'll counter that offer with a sweep of the leg. BOOM!"

And then...nothing.

A last minute phone call comes from FOX, alerting everyone that the finale is actually getting good ratings, and that the impending movie script looks like it packs the right amount of torture and sex scenes to allow Jack Bauer to live on, warrior stem cells and all.

So the series ended as so many past seasons have, with Bauer bleeding on the street and being deported from the country he sacrificed so much to protect. Interestingly enough, had he been an illegal alien who was pulled over for speeding in Arizona, he'd be getting deported too.

Possible places for Jack's new home:

-South America: It's like America...only SOUTH
-Russia: Because Bauer is just that much of a bastard
-Australia: It's the only place in the world that welcomes lawlessness with open arms
-New Jersey: The Jersey Shore has proven that it's really different world over there

Terrorist Jack is dead and in his place is a broken, yet vindicated Bauer. The man who is the only one in the 24 world who has ever read the entire Constitution.

Whenever I look at Old Glory waving in the wind under a clear blue sky, I'll close my eyes and think of the American badass that was Jack Bauer, the man who fought for justice, the right to use messenger bags in public and had the ability to go 24 hours without taking a massive, contemplative shit.

I'll miss the random lamp torturings, the often misplaced rage that reminded me of my father and the haphazard logic that was right 90 percent of the time.

But most of all, I'll miss watching him for free, since the next time we see Jack yelling "Who are you working for!", it will most likely be in a dark theater we all paid $12 to get into. So bravo Jack, you win again.

Peace friends...but only if you come to the table with a bottle of whiskey. That's the only way The Bauer can trust you.

5.17.2010

The Right to Bear Arms for the Freedom of the Press


24 Season 8 Episode 22
1 p.m to 2 p.m.
5.17.10

Somehow, in a world of predator drones, ever-lasting Sprint cell phones and Iron Man masks, it seems that the pen of a reporter is still mightier than the sword...but only if you're a hot journalist because they are the only ones who are allowed to sleep with their high-ranking political sources.

In this fantasyland, apparently a story in the newspaper can start a war and newsrooms still have art on the wall and working phones. This is an important aspect since the FBI has written off landlines by now, stupidly assuming everyone only uses cell phones (finally, not adopting technology has an advantage!).

But what of this evidence, this SIM card ripped from the guts of a bleeding Russian? Is it really that big of a deal? You betcha!

It's enough for Logan to put on a fancy new fake-blood-red tie (foreshadowing...these 24 writers are really putting their English degrees to use) and for the president to care about forgotten laws such as the 1st Amendment.

"Freedom of the Press? That's still in the Constitution? Did no one get my memo?"

It's amazing that a president who was so loved could fall so far from grace, all because she drank the peace process koolaid and envisioned her face on a new 15 cent coin, which is the exact worth of the Constitution after shifty politicians have their way with it behind locked doors.

Thankfully, the founding fathers knew in advance that the 1st Amendment would lack balls and crafted the 2nd Amendment, the right to kick ass with grenades, rifles and use a scary-as-fuck black mask to threaten the lives of shamed ex-presidents.

Bauer is exercising his right to bear arms with a side of indifference towards collateral damage. He's well-armed thanks to Mr. Blonde's Radio Terror Shack and is prepared to shoot-up taxis and, if he has to, countdown from 5 to get the answers he needs.

Lucky for him, his target is ex-President Logan, whose power comes from his willingness to give up any and all associates when his life his threatened. Within minutes, Bad Jack brings his bag of tricks (apparently, it also included a fireplace poker to stab someone through the stomach) so that he could leave his trail of dead for all to see.

"I don't plan on coming back." (he's talking to you, television audience).

Perhaps this Bad Jack is needed, especially since Meredith never learned how to evade the FBI in J-school (looks will only take you so far) and the president falls deeper into her pit of peace process despair as she will do anything to sign the document in the next couple of hours.

Maybe she should have spent more time on healthcare, as opposed to peace.

Instead, Jack is roaming the streets of NYC like a wounded rabid animal who only sees red...Russians that is. And the next one on the list is none other than the Russian president who apparently ordered everyone to do everything bad in the entire season.

President Red Dawn, the Bauer Trolls for Thy...

5.10.2010

Bad Russian Porn and the Members of the Justice League who love it

Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy, or are you gonna bite?

24 Season 8 Episode 21
12 p.m. to 1 p.m.
5.10.10

Like the swine flu, Bad Bauer has taken a turn for the worse, which has him vomiting up evil in the form of medieval torture techniques, using a hot member of the press as bait (there aren't a lot of those anymore) and watching bad Russian porn in the back of an NYC taxicab.

"I told you feelings have no place in international terrorism."
"I love him. And you can not stop me from marrying. Him. Now."

It's all in the name of justice (either for the death of Hot Agent Walker or for constitutional rights, depending where your alliances lie). Bauer's version of the Justice league includes Jr., Mr. Blonde, CT2 (consisting of scowl-face and Arlo the Horny) and Meredith, the last of the hot journalists in the business.

BTW, I've seen newsrooms as of late and they look NOTHING like the busy one depicted on 24. Imagine the world from the film "The Road" and add flourescent lighting, and you'll get a closer picture to the truth.

Oh, wait. Jack knew I was going to mock the state of the newspaper industry and reference "The Road," and is now threatening violence. Why? Cause in the twilight hours of 24, Bauer has entered in the cheat code and now has the ability to sniff out any possible trap that is laid out for him.

Pillar: "Let's intercept this call and the place our men at the location with an angry bear and a 10-pound bucket of mustard...what? Whaddyamean Bauer escaped that fool-proof plan!??"

It seems Bauer (aka the writers) can't afford any downtime that shows the human side of Jack, which opens up the possibilty that he is a robot and programmed to make rash decisions based on nothing.

"Where's your sim card for the phone? It's not in the immediate area around my feet....you must have swallowed it! Time to 86 your intestine!"

Yes. Torture always works, particularly when it's preceeded by an extra TV warning for viewers (that way you know it's going to be extra graphic and awesome). The best part? Jack's defeated realization that the thing he loves the most doesn't work. Apparently the writers have read all those NYTimes, Newsweek and Christian Science Monitor articles about the "impact" of 24.

Actually his mistake was leaving Mr. Blonde in the other room. All you need is him and a slick 70s track, and a good torture session is a mere hacked-off ear away.

So instead, Jack looks for clues through torture and finds what he's looking for lodged between the Russian's pancras and lunch from the day before: Logan.

The ex-prez isn't worried because Russians never talk and the current president has started to forget conversations she had a day ago, as well as that pesky document called the Bill of Rights. Her Machiavellian march towards peace is distracting and useless.

The good news? CT2 (a counter-terrorism army of 2) has setup camp in a conference room thanks to Sprint's mobile network. When you can't trust anyone at work and you're trying to get in contact with known criminals, Sprint will lead the way and give you the invisible online pressance you desire as well as providing its users with an outlet to stare at porn all day, which is a different kind of torture all together.

Just be sure the porn you're watching isn't of Bauer getting down with his lady and you're watching through a scope. If that's the case, you may well lose a bellybutton in the near future, and possibly that sim card you had as a mid-afternoon snack.

5.03.2010

The only thing keeping anyone alive is Jack Bauer

I have a safe deposit box filled with secrets and blinding light

24 Season 8 Episode 20
11 a.m. to 12 p.m.
5.3.10

Bauer has taken to the streets as the Robin Hood of justice, stealing evidence from the scofflaws of society and getting those who can be easily manipulated to help him. The cost? Everyone is against him.

CTU Director Chloe: "I declare him....an OutLAAAAAAWW!"

Bauer's version of Little John is Little Freddie Prinze Jr (now we know why he was cast. The "Jr" is a subtle tip of the feathered-cap), who is as lethal as a rubber-band gun and just as dumb.

"Aw, you took my bullets! Dude, give me my bullets!"

That's right. The Bauer can take your clip and your manhood without you realizing it. Sometimes at the same time.

However, the argument can be made that Jr lost his manhood to Dana "I love Mother Russia" Walsh years ago. I'm not sure how well Cole would have held up being tortured with a towel, ladle of water and a moustached D.B. Sweeney. The moustache alone would have struck fear in Cole's tiny, dumb brain.

And what kind of torture was that? Sweeney was making the same motion obese people do when they are pouring tomato sauce on everything they are about to eat.

"I don't want to shoot you, but I will if I have to do."

Lies. Bauer wanted to shoot the Sweeney right between the moustache hairs, especially after he found out how risky the shot was. Bauer does what he wants, be it shooting a man in the moustache or hanging out in a bank with a brown jacket and looking suspicious. Here's a tip kids: if you're anxious in a bank, you will be arrested. In Arizona, you'll be arrested and deported, particularly if you're brown.

And for reals? Jack successfully impersonated the bespectacled black terrorist dude on the roof? Terrorist cells need to incorporate better bonding activities or, at the very least, learn to withstand the threat of getting their balls blasted off when asked for sensitive intel.

Starbuck's safe deposit white-lightning-in-a box was impressive, mostly because it worked so well. It should be assumed that anything connected to Russia always runs the risk of having behavioral problems, be it a gun, flash grenade or a 7-year-old child who just wanted to live in Tennessee.

The last words Starbuck will remember from Jr: "There is no us Dana....only Zuul."

And who will enter CTU to reign in the allusive Bauer? Logan's right hand man, who apparently doesn't know the definition of "supposedly," in the context of counter terrorism (def: when a hysterical woman says something into a phone, those facts are treated in the same vein as drunken observations from homeless men).

Right-hand man has also brought a slutty blonde, who I'm sure is doing someone at CTU...oh there are only 4 more episodes left? I'm sure a lesbian subplot can fit in somewhere before the bitter end.

Jack is now armed and dangerous, and considered at "Level 8," an arbitrary classification that could mean anything from "spits at you and yells profanity" to "refuses to wait two seasons before killing the woman who is responsible for the death of the woman he liked to bang."

As for the evidence, a part of is almost hoping it's an SD card filled with pictures of Jr in various poses and locations, with him displaying the same dumbfounded look.