The only thing keeping anyone alive is Jack Bauer

I have a safe deposit box filled with secrets and blinding light

24 Season 8 Episode 20
11 a.m. to 12 p.m.
5.3.10

Bauer has taken to the streets as the Robin Hood of justice, stealing evidence from the scofflaws of society and getting those who can be easily manipulated to help him. The cost? Everyone is against him.

CTU Director Chloe: "I declare him....an OutLAAAAAAWW!"

Bauer's version of Little John is Little Freddie Prinze Jr (now we know why he was cast. The "Jr" is a subtle tip of the feathered-cap), who is as lethal as a rubber-band gun and just as dumb.

"Aw, you took my bullets! Dude, give me my bullets!"

That's right. The Bauer can take your clip and your manhood without you realizing it. Sometimes at the same time.

However, the argument can be made that Jr lost his manhood to Dana "I love Mother Russia" Walsh years ago. I'm not sure how well Cole would have held up being tortured with a towel, ladle of water and a moustached D.B. Sweeney. The moustache alone would have struck fear in Cole's tiny, dumb brain.

And what kind of torture was that? Sweeney was making the same motion obese people do when they are pouring tomato sauce on everything they are about to eat.

"I don't want to shoot you, but I will if I have to do."

Lies. Bauer wanted to shoot the Sweeney right between the moustache hairs, especially after he found out how risky the shot was. Bauer does what he wants, be it shooting a man in the moustache or hanging out in a bank with a brown jacket and looking suspicious. Here's a tip kids: if you're anxious in a bank, you will be arrested. In Arizona, you'll be arrested and deported, particularly if you're brown.

And for reals? Jack successfully impersonated the bespectacled black terrorist dude on the roof? Terrorist cells need to incorporate better bonding activities or, at the very least, learn to withstand the threat of getting their balls blasted off when asked for sensitive intel.

Starbuck's safe deposit white-lightning-in-a box was impressive, mostly because it worked so well. It should be assumed that anything connected to Russia always runs the risk of having behavioral problems, be it a gun, flash grenade or a 7-year-old child who just wanted to live in Tennessee.

The last words Starbuck will remember from Jr: "There is no us Dana....only Zuul."

And who will enter CTU to reign in the allusive Bauer? Logan's right hand man, who apparently doesn't know the definition of "supposedly," in the context of counter terrorism (def: when a hysterical woman says something into a phone, those facts are treated in the same vein as drunken observations from homeless men).

Right-hand man has also brought a slutty blonde, who I'm sure is doing someone at CTU...oh there are only 4 more episodes left? I'm sure a lesbian subplot can fit in somewhere before the bitter end.

Jack is now armed and dangerous, and considered at "Level 8," an arbitrary classification that could mean anything from "spits at you and yells profanity" to "refuses to wait two seasons before killing the woman who is responsible for the death of the woman he liked to bang."

As for the evidence, a part of is almost hoping it's an SD card filled with pictures of Jr in various poses and locations, with him displaying the same dumbfounded look.