Nothing Kills More Than Words

Everybody wants dirty, sexy peace

24 Season 8, episodes 23 and 24
2 p.m. to 5 p.m.
5.24.10


In the end, all mama wanted was a little peace, which was calling her like Columbian Bam Bam to a junkie who had just downed an energy drink.

But in order to get it, people had to die, dudes had to lose ears and Bauer had to be treated like Terrorist Jack so that Mama MPAT could snuggle up against sweet delicate peace at night and stroke its nubile body as countries disarmed their nuclear missiles.

And you thought the final Bauer post wouldn't get weird. That's shameful surprise you're feeling.

Thankfully for all of us, Mama MPAT chose her bedfellow long ago in Logan and, like his lovemaking, their entire professional relationship has been fraught with looks of dismay, disappointment and indigestion (no one should talk to Logan after eating a tuna sandwich).

On the other side we had Mother Hassan and Meredith Reed, two women who were on the slanted lines of a political love triangle in the beginning of the season, only to reconnect indirectly in the name of peace. This also led me to imagine them making out with each other as a way to show the world just how sexy peace could be (24 just isn't the same without a hot lesbian storyline).

Add a shot of Russian rage to the entire mix, and you have all the ingredients needed to set off a Bauer Bloodlust that knows no bounds.

"Dude! Wait...I have a daughter! Look at my tears! They are real!!"

Apparently where bullets and punches to the gut failed, compassionate words spewed out by scared hostages were the only weapons strong enough to pierce the angry bear heart of Bauer. It's probably because weepy pleas of emotion are things Terrorist Jack doesn't understand. His world consists of a duffel bag of war and a penchant for catching people by surprise in the backseat of their car.

(If Jack Bauer ever pops up in the backseat of my car with a gun, I can guarantee I will piss, poop and vomit all over myself simultaneously).

Terrorist Jack has done what so many salesguys have done in offices across America: he's crossed the line, though instead of doing it to bag as many of the ladder-climbing whores from corporate as possible, he's done so in the name of justice, which is the political way of saying "murdering spree."

But there's a reason for all the butchering (aside from the writers piling on as much violence as possible in the final season). There is evidence of Russian shame, and Jack has packaged it with a bonus video blog of his thoughts on how peace can be won, which is only through trust and with both sides coming willingly to the table.

Oh that's how peace is won? It's not through threats of nuclear war and presidential assassinations?

No friends, Grandpa Bauer is talking about the hippies' dream of peace where everyone had to be high and clueless. This is when peace is pure, and untouched by Russian hands. It's the kind of peace that has a kind of sexy innocence to it, much like Chloe walking the halls with a pistol in her hands and a complete lack of confidence.

Terrorist Jack: "Dammit Chloe who else knows I'm here!!"
Scowl Face: "Nobody. I mean Cole. And Arlo. And the vending machine that gave up your reflection."

And then follows the second instance where compassionate words spewed by a scared hostage saved their life. According to Chloe, there is another way all of this can end, and it involves broadcasting the evidence over the internet for all to hear, which is a subtle jab to the journalism industry (so now they are completely useless even in the make-believe land of television. Awesome).

Unfortunately, Logan's guard-dog Pillar is really good at waking up from being knocked unconscious and orders Chloe and Cole's arrest, and confiscates the evidence. Though not before Bauer confiscates a bit of Pillar's ear. And why not? Every crazy show deserves to have its main character play the let-me-whisper-you-closer-so-I-can-bite-off-your-fucking-ear game.

Somehow, amidst all the madness and cannibalism, Mama MPAT political heart grew three sizes that day, thanks to Bauer vlog pleading for peace, forcing her to admit her role in a conspiracy, which equally forced her to make strange animalistic yelps in the elevator (at least it wasn't on camera for the news because then she would have been depicted as crooked and creepy...which is a combo that no politician can bounce back from).

Again, words were shown to be stronger than anything else in the room (it was filled with a combination of murder and sexual tension. I'll let you decided which belonged to who) and it proved biting enough to kill the peace treaty baby and to convince Logan to off his wonderkid Pillar before blasting his head with a bullet (although he failed at suicide too...which makes me think he'll be a deformed menace in the possible 24 movie).

Which brings us to the end: The final scenes of 24 where, thanks to mysterious CTU drones (that were apparently equipped with missiles? WTF?), everyone got to see on the big CTU screen. It was probably thanks to Cisco (I'd like Telepresence please).

Random Government dude: "I know who you are. I'll make this quick and painless."
Bauer: "I'll counter that offer with a sweep of the leg. BOOM!"

And then...nothing.

A last minute phone call comes from FOX, alerting everyone that the finale is actually getting good ratings, and that the impending movie script looks like it packs the right amount of torture and sex scenes to allow Jack Bauer to live on, warrior stem cells and all.

So the series ended as so many past seasons have, with Bauer bleeding on the street and being deported from the country he sacrificed so much to protect. Interestingly enough, had he been an illegal alien who was pulled over for speeding in Arizona, he'd be getting deported too.

Possible places for Jack's new home:

-South America: It's like America...only SOUTH

-Russia: Because Bauer is just that much of a bastard

-Australia: It's the only place in the world that welcomes lawlessness with open arms

-New Jersey: The Jersey Shore has proven that it's really different world over there

Terrorist Jack is dead and in his place is a broken, yet vindicated Bauer. The man who is the only one in the 24 world who has ever read the entire Constitution.

Whenever I look at Old Glory waving in the wind under a clear blue sky, I'll close my eyes and think of the American badass that was Jack Bauer, the man who fought for justice, the right to use messenger bags in public and had the ability to go 24 hours without taking a massive, contemplative shit.

I'll miss the random lamp torturings, the often misplaced rage that reminded me of my father and the haphazard logic that was right 90 percent of the time.

But most of all, I'll miss watching him for free, since the next time we see Jack yelling "Who are you working for!", it will most likely be in a dark theater we all paid $12 to get into. So bravo Jack, you win again.

Peace friends...but only if you come to the table with a bottle of whiskey. That's the only way The Bauer can trust you.