The Exchange Rate for Jack Bauer

9 p.m. to 10 p.m.
3.28.05

Finally, Brillohead has accepted who he really is, which is a druggie and a government stooge. It took long enough, but they finally got him high in yet another botched torture. I guess CTU has a quota for torture in a day. Thanks to Jack, they might surpass it this time.

Wise putting the tracking device in the large melon of Brillohead, though it's a shame the Marwan Men shop at Radioshack to get all their fancy and hi-tech toys. And the man doesn't know what he wants to do with Brillo?

"I haven't decided yet. It's a shame because that kid has a killer impression of Conan O'Brien. That wacky little bastard is the only thing that makes me smile sometimes."

And now Chloe is back, the real Chloe, AKA Captain Obvious. If you need someone to sum up all the major plot points and verbally craps all over a character's emotions, she's your girl. Oh yea, look at your husband lying there with his guts opened and your boyfriend is being held hostage by that evil terrorist guy who wants to kill EVERYONE.

At least that ugly necklace from the first couple of shows is gone, though now we have to deal with the salmon-colored shirt and her robotic walking (she doesn't swing her arms.)

Jack is expendable? I cursed at the TV and shot a ball of mashed potatoes at it with my new sling-shot from Mexico. That's punishment for stating such lies.

And nice plan to distract CTU from the LAPD police report with the exchange, though it would have been great if when they saw that pop-up on the screen that people just laughed and said "How cute, the LAPD is actually pretending to be police officers."

Marwan's wrong anyway. Here's a more effective way to distract CTU

-Order Edgar a pizza with everything on it
-Tell Bitchelle that along with Jack, they have stolen her prized portrait of her and Enrique Iglesias
-Give Tony a six pack
-Hire a Tom Cruise impersonator to give the "You Complete Me" speech to Chloe
-Send Curtis Aisha Tyler's audition photo with the blood-soaked phrase "You Let Her Die" written on it.
-Give Audrey a stack of folders she has to sign for the government. When she finishes them, rip them up in her face and laugh about how her husband is going to die

But no, he decides to go the more traditional route by trading the Brillo for the Bauer, making all of CTU scratch their heads and wonder "Who would want this kid? Even his dad wanted to kill him."

What is the exact exchange rate for one Jack Bauer?

After doing some quick math, I determined that it would actually take 10 Brilloheads all armed with shovels, a crate of 60-gig iPods, and a pineapple.

Nice chutzpah for calling up CTU to ask about the kid. A lot of terrorist would have just beat the crap out of Bauer with a tire iron, but not you Marwan.
"Yo, is Brillo there? You tell that punk to stop listening to my Eminem albums. He's always putting the disk in another case when he's finished."

And he even plays a game with Jack. Marwan's got balls up the ass.

"I'm going to ask you some questions. If you get them right, I'll give you a hint as to where the key is for your cuffs. If you get them wrong, I remove an article of my clothing."

Comedy Central has a show like this called Distraction. I wonder if that's where they got the idea. That's all you would need to distract Jack. I don't care how much training you get from the government. No man is truly prepared to look at man-ass. I go to the YMCA and I see it all the time and then I puke. I've lost ten pounds and haven't lifted a thing.

That's sad that Tony has no other friends than Jack. I've heard prison is like a poor-man's eHarmony.com. I guess you can't believe everything you read on the bathroom wall.

"Jack's the only friend I have…well, except for Teddy. He holds my head when I sleep."

I think the guy that plays Curtis was only brought on because he makes the best "What the…?" faces. The audition must have been like "Ok, you hired a hooker, but you found out it was your mom…let's see that face."

We see that Peabody-award-worthy look after Brillohead screams that Curtis is just using him. But Curits makes up for it by giving Brillohead the "Dude, I think you're cool" conversation in the van. Apparently, Curtis saw the PSA too. So maybe they do work, sometimes.

The CD with the hourly report in the bright fushia plastic case was the most annoying new character of the show. Let's hope next week Curtis gets to torture that piece of shit.

Bitchelle is slowly warming up to the Tony. There's some nasty love brewing there. But Tony's a man and as we all know, is oblivious to the subtle signs women have when they want to get attention. Bitchelle will have to sit Tony down with a power-point presentation about how much she wants to throw him up against the wall to get the point across.

I get those power-point presentations all the time, though it's more about why I should stop calling.

The Bauer, still kicking ass with his hands handcuffed to the pipe, kicking people and re-programming the phones. Um hello? What? How the HELL did he know that? I don't understand what he did and I don't care. Jack wasn't killed despite Marwan's nutty plan to put a sniper on the roof. Doesn't Marwan get it? The show revolves around Bauer. If he goes, we go.

So now Brillohead is with crazy Uncle Marwan, the only parental figure he has left and has lost a couple of locks of his brillo-hair thanks to Curtis injecting a tracking device in the thickest part of his hair. Brillo's either dead or has the word "Terrorist" shaved into the back of his head. I'd rather be dead.

A Stealth Bomber is being hijacked with a fake report, a courteous smile, and the phrase "triple checked it myself"? I guess twice doesn't mean shit, but when you do something three times, that trumps reason.
"Oh you shot him three times? He must have deserved it."

Speculation on the Use of the Stealth Bomber:
-Fulfill a childhood dream of Marwan to ride in one
-Do a tower fly-by while listening to Kenny Loggins "Danger Zone" from Top Gun
-Bomb Indonesia because apparently God wants the area wiped out and earthquakes and Tsunamis just aren’t cutting it anymore

Whatever the reason, he has to act quickly because once the window of opportunity closes, all that is left is the mailbox of disgrace and the door of embarrassment.

An Unprecedented Level of Creepiness

8 p.m. to 9 p.m.
3.21.05

It was like a small reunion with Chastising Chloe, Terrorist Mom and Brillohead all coming back. They've all been missed, though maybe I spoke to soon about how cool they were since all three of them found a way to creep me out.

Terrorist Mom:

Good for you helping out CTU and hopefully getting you and your son a new life in the magical and mystical "Witness Protection Program." Though before she agreed to it, she should have made sure the name they were gonna give her was something normal like "Kelly Lambert" or "Lindsay McAdams." Knowing the sense of humor the government has, she'll probably end up with something like "Ima Jerkov."

Oh wait, she got her head blown off, so she doesn't have to worry about names anymore. After she futility tried to shoot Marwan, she should have hung her head and said "Aw…can't you kill irony instead?" I mean, just moments ago she admitted to wanting to kill Jack and now she changes her mind.

At least she got to say goodbye to Brillohead before she was sent off with The Bauer (who by now must be wondering why anyone that tags along with him gets shot, maimed, or tortured). But JEEZ, did you have to enjoy kissing your son THAT much? Again, it was the eyes that were creepy because that moral line between mother and lover seemed to be disappearing from her mind. You could tell by the weird girlish smile she gave Brillohead as she left that she was having impure thoughts.

Score on the creep meter: 7.6 out of 10

Brillohead:

Hey, he's been hanging out in a cell this entire time? That sucks ass. His head didn't look all that brillo-ly this time. Now that he's an orphan, he'll be doing Oliver Twist impression in the coming episodes. I fully expect a "Please sir…I want some more" comment to come out of him. It sucks that the last moments he had with his mom were so sexually creepy. But what's grosser than that? He liked it.

Creep Meter: 8.9 out of 10

Chloe:

I wish she was drunk when Bichelle called her. That way she and Tony would be deemed as the drunks of the office. No, instead we see Chloe in front of a computer, probably checking her NCAA fantasy bracket and no doubt cursing Syracuse for dropping out in the first round.And does she just live around the corner? If I worked at CTU I'd live as far away as possible because it seems when the shit goes down, it's always around that damn building.
Oh and here's the real reason Chloe came back

Bitchelle: Chloe?
Crazy: Yea?
Bitchelle: Yea, I saw that new show you're on, um, Kelsy Grammer Presents: The Sketch Show…
Crazy: ok…
Bitchelle: It's pretty horrible. I got more laughs thinking about the time Tony was so drunk he kept running into the wall. You should come back to CTU. We get better ratings.
Crazy: Yea alright, but I get to touch Tony's ass.
Bitchelle: You only get the left cheek. The right side is all mine.

But it is nice to her back at CTU even though she wins for the creepiest moment in the episode for wearing the "Sweet Mermaid" sweatshirt at home.

Creep Meter: 9.7 out of 10 (even more harrowing than that is that such shirts exists…for kids Creepy Shirt

So an associate professor from Green University is involved in the terrorism? I wonder if he's a terrorist because he recently made comments about how women are held back in the workforce because of a genetic defect? Or maybe he just teaches math (the universal language of terrorism). Those professors are crazy and it makes sense that they named the University "Green" since most professors are high.

Poor Paul. He's looking more like a zombie now and I keep waiting for the doctor to come into the waiting area and tell Audrey that Paul has slipped into a vegetative state and suggests she start working on a court case because it's going to take over 7 years for courts to decide whether or not he deserves a feeding tube. Edgar's alive and he still hasn't been granted the right to have a feeding tube pumping in roast beef sandwiches and pizza rolls into his system.

But at least Paul's got Audrey's attention now and she seems like she's going to pick Paul over the Bauer. Sure, Paul is the safe BORING choice, but The Bauer would make life interesting. A casual errand such as going to the grocery store to pick up more soup could easily turn into an international crisis.

The Bauer: Honey, I'm gonna be late for dinner again.
Audrey: Just bring home the split pea soup because if you forget again I'm going to pull out that lamp torture trick you're so fond of when you fall asleep. And believe me, no one wants to wake up to find their bits and pieces being shocked.

Ok the military guy who was cheating on his wife…was that chic Mandy? (reference for the 24 fans from season 1 and 2). It totally looked like her and she was always a whore for hire. I dunno, but that girl looked like her. For those that don't know, Mandy was a hot number who was a lesbian and came close to killing the president once. She's the one woman on the show who The Bauer has yet to seduce.

Shame on military guy for not being able to take her down. I guess we know who was more dominant in the sack.And how the hell did Reddy hide in the car?? The only conclusion I can come up with is that Reddy turned himself into a leprechaun and was able to turn back into human form to kill military guy. At least he got laid once more before he died.

And only a leprechaun would be so screwed up to rip off a guy's thumb with a pair of pliers. (I think they were Craftsman, so I think I'm gonna pick me up a set from Sears. You never know when you need to rip someone's body apart and if it's good enough for 24, it's good enough for me.)

The sexual tension between Tony and Bitchelle is building and soon they will ravage each other on top of a desk as Edgar cheers and Chloe runs around with roman candles in each hand. It's going to be a glorious moment and I can't wait for it to happen.

New arbitrary fear: An angry Bauer in the back seat of my car waiting to kill me…with kindness.

So the president wants to prevent widespread panic by putting military personal on the streets of America. They might as well rename "Marshall Law" to "Freakout Patrol" because the one thing that freaks people out in America more than terrorism is seeing the military waltz up and down their street armed with Uzi's.

How come every time Bauer gets back to CTU, he hatches up some crazy plan to get himself out of the building? As if his life was so void of excitement that he needs to come up with a crazy plan to keep himself entertained.

"Dude, this time, I'm gonna pretend to be a hostage and meet this Marwan guy. Then I'm gonna drink milk that's a week old and join a rodeo…just because I'm a badass."

Seriously, he's finding new ways to throw himself into harm's way. I like how everyone at CTU has just gotten used to Bauer's nuttiness, as if they expect nothing less than absolute lunacy when he comes up with his schemes.

So that's what road constructin crews are doing. They are just waiting to grab people out of car and throw them into a van. At least I now know they are doing something. I've seen as many as five of them hanging out around a hole doing nothing except holding signs up that say "Stop" and "Slow Down." At least my tax dollars are going towards something constructive.

I'm a little pissed there wasn't more of a reaction to Bitchelle being back at CTU from Bauer. There should have at least been a double take or a "Dude…your ex-wife is here…this totally sucks" moment.

Emmy moment of the night: Bauer giving Audrey the "I'm sorry your husband got shot with me" look.

And how dedicated do you have to be to take a knife to your side to prove that you got hit with a bullet? I was actually surprised he just didn't shoot himself. He's such a badass that I was sure he wanted everything to be as real as possible. Then again, challenges are fun for Bauer. It's fun to get kidnapped by the terrorist. Even more fun to use a knife to pretend you got shot in the side.

More Comfortable in Hell

7 p.m. to 8 p.m.
3.14.05

I'm glad Bitchelle (Michelle's name until she takes Tony back) got rid of whiney Sarah. Teaches her to ask for her raise in the middle of a crisis. I wouldn't be surprised to see her in a later episode pounding on a door and yelling "But Miss Driiisssccooooolll!!! You promised!!!" Sarah is one pout face away from looking like she's 12. In fact, that face probably would have been a lot more effective than yelling at Michelle.

"Aw…I can't fire you now. You're too adorable."

That and as the CTU rule book states, there can only be one bitch at CTU at one time. And Bitchelle is she.

Tony should have made the recap a little more personal, especially with his ex-wife standing in front of him.

"Bring you up to speed? Let's see. I was sitting at home drunk, Jack called, I've been sleeping with a skank that works at Wal-Mart, and you look really hot right now."

It's was also nice to see Audrey talk to Michelle about Tony in the grown-up version of "He thinks you're cute!" conversation.

Audrey: "Oh my God! Tony is SOOOOO cute. Look at him scrowl at the computer like it's yelling at him!"

Bitchelle: "I know, you should have seen him when we were married. He even scrowled at the toilet after a bad night of diarrhea."

She wouldn't give him a level 6-clearance card? But the good bathroom and vending machine are on level 6! This is bullshit! Level 3?? Wasn't Schitzo Mya on level 3, making it the place people go to die? I guess Bitchelle is still pissed at drunk Tony. Or maybe that's where she'll corner Tony and turn on the love. Oh yea…

TONY WANTED TO LEAVE? Hell no. Sadly, that would have ruined my week.

It's nice to know that the EMP didn't mess up any basic battery powered electronics. Good for the flashlight, even better for those batter-powered toothbrushes because no one likes to get a cavity.

I feel for the people who were listening to their iPods when the EMP exploded. One time, I thought my iPod died, but it came back after I reset it a couple of times. That was a scary ten minutes, so I know EXACTLY what the people of LA are going through.

And sure, the EMP won't physically harm Jack and Paul, but it will screw with their digestive system and they will need a laxative or some beano for at least a week.

Audrey wants to leave the BAUER? She saw what he does at work and now it's a turnoff? Even if I saw a beautiful girl working at a cheap clothing store called "Dots" where everything is around $10, I'd still give her chance. Jeez.

What were the evil corporate guys thinking torturing Paul? That guy can take anything as long as they don't use a lamp. Thanks to the EMP, that's a non-issue. But they did get crafty with the office torture, though threatening to use a Sharpie and writing "Penis" on his head would have been better. It's really tough to wash Sharpie off your skin. And no one wants a penis on their forehead.

Speculation on what the code on the paper will say: Marwan's secret recipe for curry with beef and mushrooms that won the CurryMan! competition last year.

(dammit, now I want curry)

Replacing torture (a bit overplayed this season, don't you think?) on my list of top things to watch on TV is LOOTING. My life long dream is to be involved in a looting where I would hit Best Buy, a Coldstone, Urban Outfitters, a BMW dealership, and a hospital that has marijuana pills with a full-sized U-Haul truck. That's right. I have a plan for looting. So should you.

But where does Jack loot? The gun shop owned by two Barrooz wannabes who have been screwed with all their life and now have a chance to act out their inner fantasy: killing American soldiers.

You can tell Allah sanctioned this since the bullet hit the empty clip of all places. Although I was waiting for the Saving Private Ryan moment where the kid takes out the empty clip to look at it and then gets in hit in the chest at the same spot. However, if Fox did that, they would have to order up another PSA for killing a GOOD terrorist as opposed to a BAD one. As I've said before, PSAs do nothing.

Ever notice that CTU drives Fords, but whenever there is havoc in the street or someone dies in a car it's in something like a Mazda or a Mitsubishi? I think this show is trying to tell me that if I don't buy American, I will die.

What the hell did this McClenne-Forrester company do? They have a bunch of computers and soldiers willing to kill Americans. That sounds a lot like the Department of Homeland Security…or Wal-Mart.

I think this will be my favorite episode because the scenes involving the urban fighting reminded me of a zombie movie. Even Paul started to resemble a zombie with blood coming out of his mouth and his staggering from place to place. And barricading yourself in a gun shop is ripped right out of every successful zombie flick ever made. A homage should have been done with Jack getting the radio of a dead soldier and uttering in a slow and ruffled voice:Send more cops…

Speaking of Jack, he gets the award for saying a line that could have been in a porno this week.

"Just stay low and do what I tell you…"

Maybe CTU should start training their soldiers with corporate America because apparently they can't successfully killing a man by shooting him in the back. C'mon. He's right there! You could have at least kicked him a couple of times to see if he was alive. Bauer would have done that. Then again, corporate America couldn't even kill two Arab kids through a window with empty clips as protection…so I guess everyone sucks.

I think Paul and Jack and falling in love. They've experienced something together and maybe even sneaked a hug and a kiss during the commercial breaks. Either way, you could tell there's a deeper connection there between the two men.

Song that should have been playing during the firefight: Sade's "Ordinary Love"

Yes, Tony does know Jack. Shame on Bitchelle for not listening to him. Oh right, she thinks he's wasted.

"Look I know Jack. He's insane. He knows that the best way for him to tell us where he's at is to start shit with heavily armed soldiers. But I also know he's going to have fun doing it…because he wants to KILL."

Just when you think the stereotypes for the show are over, they bring on some more that you forgot about. Redheads are evil Why? Because they look different and are therefore untrustworthy.

And this Redhead (I'm calling him Reddy) works for the US Army. How come most American terrorists come out of the army? And they wonder why we won't sign up.

It was pretty funny to hear Marwan's ringtone on his phone. It had that right pitch of annoyingness that a terrorist with no personality would have. It sounded a lot like the cheer Iraqi women give when they take to the streets and shoot their guns in the air. Or maybe it was his favorite song from back home. Either way, it made my ears bleed.

"Ok, I'm leaving now, I'm walking down the street to loot the bakery because stolen rolls are better than…" POW!
Did Jack just kick through a door where someone shot at him? He's losing his mind. Between that and killing people softly with that metal rod, you can tell he's having the time of his life being back in the field. He's gotten to kill, hold-up a store, loot, flirt with a married man's wife, and ride in a helicopter. If Audrey can't handle that, she should join the rest of the losers in Canada.

Bags of Crap and Fun with IM

6 p.m. to 7 p.m.
3.7.05

The departure of Driscoll was sad. Somehow, she turned into a decent person even though she was introduced as the life-sucking harpy. Apparently that job has now been transferred over to Sarah who enjoys furrowing her brow and snapping at Edgar with the classic "Why are you so fat?" face. Edgar's probably wondering why he even bothered sticking up for Sarah who will probably not enjoy the "I cho cho choose you" e-card he sent to her CTU email account while she was being tortured.

It was nice of Heller to give Driscoll a big bear hug and his five-point plan to overcoming a death in the family.

"First you're gonna cry. Then you're gonna blame God. Then you're gonna blame yourself. Right after that you're gonna stub your toe on the kitchen table and then you'll cry again. It'll be painful emotionally, but that toe thing is just gonna piss you the hell off."

Emmy moment of the night: "Go and make sure your daughter's ok…because I never did!"

Why does everyone stare when a dejected person leaves work? They stop what they're doing and give a solemn stare as the castaway walks slowly through the room. I only complain because that is what I deal with every day at work. So I drink at work, but you don't have to freaking stare. Jeez.

Speaking of drunks, looks like Tony has his old job back, which gives hope to alcoholics everywhere. It is a shame that Michelle had to show up and rain on Tony's parade because I was hoping to see him put his "CUBS ALL THE WAY!" poster on the wall. But I am looking forward to all the drinking jokes she's probably got stored up from the marriage.

Tony: Hey Michelle…you're looking nice and mean with your new straight hair.
Michelle: Thanks…and sorry I didn't give you any change that night, but I saw you had an empty twelve pack next to you on the sidewalk and figured you'd be ok for the night.

And surprise surprise, Curtis has a problem with something. I don't like her, I don't like him. He's been going on record all day with the phrase "I don't like it." He's gotta stop being a Negative Nancy or he'll find himself scrubbing the toilets.

The San Gabriel Meltdown is under control? But what about the panic, the damage to the roads and, you know, the people melting from radiation in the streets? It must be a leper colony there by now. Maybe that's where Marwan (I still think it sounds like MyWand and now that's all I hear) will end up if he's ever captured. Then he can be the Lord of the Lepers, which is a lot like being the Lord of the Dance save for the tight pants and intense profanity.

Aww, how cute. Paul wants to be like Jack. I like how different people get to tag-a-long with Jack on various missions as if they were CTU interns. Fox should capitalize on this and create a ride called the Jack Bauer Experience (JBE for short). You and a date will be issued into this dark room and be given a cell phone and one "get out of torture" card. Jack Bauer will be played by Gary Busey since Kiefer referred to the idea as "The most idiotic thing I have ever heard…and I was in The Cowboy Way."

But Audrey knows that no one can actually be like The Bauer. I'm surprised Jack didn't ask Audrey to repeat the fact that "Paul isn't like you…take care of him" and put the cell on speakerphone so that Paul could hear it too. Then he would slam the phone down and yell "In your face! YEAH!"

Hmm, but Paul does have those "backdoor" computer skills that might get Audrey's engine running. All he needs to do is sing Reo Speedwagon's "Can't Fight this Feeling" during karaoke night and she'll be putty in his hands. Bauer will do a lot, but he doesn't sing.

We've gone from terrorism to deterring a corporate scandal and how appropriate with it being Martha's first week of work since Camp Cupcake (which isn't as delicious as it sounds, but just as soft). McClenen should know that after the court of public opinion has singled you out as a monster, all you gotta do is go to a minimum security prison for six months and you'll emerge as a victim and a hero. Newsweek will even put your head on a model's body just to make you look better.

And nice looking EMP by the way. They could have gone the fancy route like they did in Ocean's 11, but they opted for the full sized economy version that looks like an oversized toaster flanked by two large smoke detectors with a green glow stick in the middle. Very scary.

I fully enjoyed the Instant Message conversation between Jack and Tony, although they could have saved a lot of time with the tried and true short hand language of the IM world.

SoulPatch45: Jack, u there?
Flatliner4Eva: sup
SoulPatch45: Building losing power :(
Flatliner4Eva: Gah! They're on to us >:/
SoulPatch45: brb
SoulPatch45: Ok, e-dogg just found an EMP, 1st flr rm 213
Flatliner4Eva: lol...I love bombs. Maybe I'll send paul to deal wit it
SoulPatch45: LMAO! :P Aight, ttyl
Flatliner4Eva: :)

What did Jack think he could do? Was he actually trying to mentally will the door to move in the opposite direction? I would have just looked at my watch or cell phone because I'd want to see that thing explode when the EMP went off.
And did Jack just throw a pencil? I seriously thought it was meant to poke someone's eye out or somehow knock them out (it is the Bauer, he can do anything...except sing). But then again, throwing a pencil at people in the hopes of killing them is sooo something Bahrooz would do. Will Brillohead ever return? I miss that crazy bastard.

I was expecting Marwan to be a little more pissed that his evil plan was foiled and on top of that, he had to ride the bus, which as everyone knows is degrading and completely embarrassing. But he knows better because all good terrorists have a backup plan and even backup plans for those plans.

And if all else fails, Plan Z involves toilet papering Bauer's house and lighting bags of shit on fire on his porch. As the victims of pranks know first hand, there is no law in the land, no sweet sounding words, and no massive Wal-Mart purchased EMP that can completely erase the horrible memory of finding flaming bags of crap on your porch and futilely trying to stomp out the fire with your boot. Even if you get passed that, the smell just lasts for days.

Racial Profiling and other fun games

5 p.m. to 6 p.m.
2.28.05

I will never tire of torture, no matter how long or how brief. That said, imagine my joy when I saw slapping around Husband Paul in front of Sheryl Crow, who didn't want to leave. I don't blame her. If I had the opportunity to see my ex tortured, I'd bring popcorn and a digital camera.

It was really surprising that Jack even allowed Sheryl Crow to stay in the room to watch him poke her husband with wires from a lamp. Maybe he wanted to show off. Well it backfired Jackass. If you ever sleep with her again, she'll be watching every single damn lamp in the room.

And boo to Sheryl Crow for stopping Jack from shocking Paul's ear. I bet he was pissed too because a part of him wanted to see what would happen. It's going to take a while for Jack to let that one go.

Sheryl Crow: "C'mon C'mon baby. All I wanna do is have some fun."
The Bauer: "No...I really wanted to shock that ear. You took my fun away."
Sheryl Crow: "...But he's my favorite mistake and I just..."
The Bauer: "That's it. I'm getting the lamp."

(Sidenote: JACK WENT TO THE BATHROOM! He even slammed the door to call attention to it. But I didn't hear a flush or water running from the sink. So if he did do his nasty business in there, he's not a very clean guy. Then again, he's always been into creative torture and having a man touch you when you know he hasn't washed his hands is just icky.)

Crafty Curtis finally proved he wasn't a useless CTU drone. He faked out the sinister bald guy and I even got my pistil whip (though I'm still waiting for a repeated whipping). It's a shame Maryanne wasn't alive to see her stud in action. Maybe that was the problem with the relationship before: Curtis was just too boring and not crafty enough. Now he's Action Jackson.

I'm proud of him. He's earned his CTU merit badge for pretending to be dead and hiding behind bookshelves. He'll also recieve a free copy of L7's "Pretend that we're dead."

Understatement of the entire show: "Mrs. Driscoll...there's something wrong with your daughter."

Who's the Harvard professor that figured THAT one out. Driscoll should have been "Um...ya, she's schitzo. Give her some weed and a Wiggles video."

There have been comments made about the dialogue this season and it reached its utter crapiness during this episode when Mya was talking to the doctor.
Mya: "Doctor. I'm sorry. Make me feel good...but get THAT out of here!"

I swear I've heard that same dialogue in a porno once. If I was back at West Coast Video, I'd be able to tell you the exact film.

Kudos to Mya for going down the street and not across the road with her suicide. She may have been crazy, but she knew how to do it right.

Boo hoo, an episode without Bahrooz. It felt empty without that whiny brillohead running around toting a pistol and telling people he hated them. I fear he's gone forever, probably joining Chloe in a heated game of Life in the CTU "Time Out" room.

Terrorist Mom was looking creepy as ever while she was getting interrogated by Tony "look at my new beer gut" Almeda. And way to scare the crap out of her by telling her how horrible prison was, which was needed because people from the MIDDLE EAST have no idea about the darker side of humanity.

"If you won't help us, your boy will go to prison for the rest of his life. And let me tell you something about prison. The food is horrible and the toilet paper is only one ply. ONE GODDAMN PLY! Bahrooz will kill himself in three months. Two if they play the Hide the Soap in Your Ass game in the showers."

It made sense for Super Terrorist Marwan to pose as an IT techy and to hide in a cubicle. (more proof that IT guys are evil). Some of the most pissed off people in the world capable of taking down this country work in offices littered with cubicles. I wish Marwan re-created the Samir scene from Office Space with him yelling at the copy machine.
"Stupid piece of...someday I throw this piece of shit out the window!"

It doesn't matter how smart of a terrorist you are. The copy machine always wins.

Hmm, how do you find a terrorist in a sea of white people? Racial profiling! That first guy was damn lucky he was playing Freecell. He would have been screwed if it was minesweeper.

It was fun seeing how racial profiling worked. It would have been a lot funnier if the entire room was filled with middle eastern men and women. It could have been the terrorist version of Spartacus.
"I am MarwanWand."
"No I AM MARWAN!"
"It doesn't matter! We are all MARWAN TO YOU! WOhahaha!"

But alas, Jack found the Brown guy that didn't fit in and chased him out of the room. Ah Jack Bauer. He's just like Santa. He knows who's been naughty and who's been nice.

The"over-ride device" was a complete letdown, but I guess when you're expecting something to resemble a robotic dinosaur, you're bound to run into disappointment. And there goes Edgar saving the day by telling Curtis to punch in arbritary keys on the keyboard. I always thought IT guys did that to keep you busy while they fixed the problem on their end.

Curtis: "What do I do now??"
Edgar: "Just type all the letters of the alphabet till you get to P. Then stop."
Curtis: "Hey this is like scrabble...aw shit. What comes after O?"

If the terrorists were really smart, the way to control the device would be to beat a game of solitare. Being in a cubicle, it would have made perfect sense.

And now Marwan has stolen CTU gear and clothing, which is even more of a crime than terrorism. Screw with our emotions and nuclear power plants, but the minute you take our clothing is when we really get pissed. Your kids can put our clothes together at their "day camps," but no one gets to wear them but us. Chant it loud and chant it proud...USA! USA! USA!