An Unprecedented Level of Creepiness

8 p.m. to 9 p.m.
3.21.05

It was like a small reunion with Chastising Chloe, Terrorist Mom and Brillohead all coming back. They've all been missed, though maybe I spoke to soon about how cool they were since all three of them found a way to creep me out.

Terrorist Mom:

Good for you helping out CTU and hopefully getting you and your son a new life in the magical and mystical "Witness Protection Program." Though before she agreed to it, she should have made sure the name they were gonna give her was something normal like "Kelly Lambert" or "Lindsay McAdams." Knowing the sense of humor the government has, she'll probably end up with something like "Ima Jerkov."

Oh wait, she got her head blown off, so she doesn't have to worry about names anymore. After she futility tried to shoot Marwan, she should have hung her head and said "Aw…can't you kill irony instead?" I mean, just moments ago she admitted to wanting to kill Jack and now she changes her mind.

At least she got to say goodbye to Brillohead before she was sent off with The Bauer (who by now must be wondering why anyone that tags along with him gets shot, maimed, or tortured). But JEEZ, did you have to enjoy kissing your son THAT much? Again, it was the eyes that were creepy because that moral line between mother and lover seemed to be disappearing from her mind. You could tell by the weird girlish smile she gave Brillohead as she left that she was having impure thoughts.

Score on the creep meter: 7.6 out of 10

Brillohead:

Hey, he's been hanging out in a cell this entire time? That sucks ass. His head didn't look all that brillo-ly this time. Now that he's an orphan, he'll be doing Oliver Twist impression in the coming episodes. I fully expect a "Please sir…I want some more" comment to come out of him. It sucks that the last moments he had with his mom were so sexually creepy. But what's grosser than that? He liked it.

Creep Meter: 8.9 out of 10

Chloe:

I wish she was drunk when Bichelle called her. That way she and Tony would be deemed as the drunks of the office. No, instead we see Chloe in front of a computer, probably checking her NCAA fantasy bracket and no doubt cursing Syracuse for dropping out in the first round.And does she just live around the corner? If I worked at CTU I'd live as far away as possible because it seems when the shit goes down, it's always around that damn building.
Oh and here's the real reason Chloe came back

Bitchelle: Chloe?
Crazy: Yea?
Bitchelle: Yea, I saw that new show you're on, um, Kelsy Grammer Presents: The Sketch Show…
Crazy: ok…
Bitchelle: It's pretty horrible. I got more laughs thinking about the time Tony was so drunk he kept running into the wall. You should come back to CTU. We get better ratings.
Crazy: Yea alright, but I get to touch Tony's ass.
Bitchelle: You only get the left cheek. The right side is all mine.

But it is nice to her back at CTU even though she wins for the creepiest moment in the episode for wearing the "Sweet Mermaid" sweatshirt at home.

Creep Meter: 9.7 out of 10 (even more harrowing than that is that such shirts exists…for kids Creepy Shirt

So an associate professor from Green University is involved in the terrorism? I wonder if he's a terrorist because he recently made comments about how women are held back in the workforce because of a genetic defect? Or maybe he just teaches math (the universal language of terrorism). Those professors are crazy and it makes sense that they named the University "Green" since most professors are high.

Poor Paul. He's looking more like a zombie now and I keep waiting for the doctor to come into the waiting area and tell Audrey that Paul has slipped into a vegetative state and suggests she start working on a court case because it's going to take over 7 years for courts to decide whether or not he deserves a feeding tube. Edgar's alive and he still hasn't been granted the right to have a feeding tube pumping in roast beef sandwiches and pizza rolls into his system.

But at least Paul's got Audrey's attention now and she seems like she's going to pick Paul over the Bauer. Sure, Paul is the safe BORING choice, but The Bauer would make life interesting. A casual errand such as going to the grocery store to pick up more soup could easily turn into an international crisis.

The Bauer: Honey, I'm gonna be late for dinner again.
Audrey: Just bring home the split pea soup because if you forget again I'm going to pull out that lamp torture trick you're so fond of when you fall asleep. And believe me, no one wants to wake up to find their bits and pieces being shocked.

Ok the military guy who was cheating on his wife…was that chic Mandy? (reference for the 24 fans from season 1 and 2). It totally looked like her and she was always a whore for hire. I dunno, but that girl looked like her. For those that don't know, Mandy was a hot number who was a lesbian and came close to killing the president once. She's the one woman on the show who The Bauer has yet to seduce.

Shame on military guy for not being able to take her down. I guess we know who was more dominant in the sack.And how the hell did Reddy hide in the car?? The only conclusion I can come up with is that Reddy turned himself into a leprechaun and was able to turn back into human form to kill military guy. At least he got laid once more before he died.

And only a leprechaun would be so screwed up to rip off a guy's thumb with a pair of pliers. (I think they were Craftsman, so I think I'm gonna pick me up a set from Sears. You never know when you need to rip someone's body apart and if it's good enough for 24, it's good enough for me.)

The sexual tension between Tony and Bitchelle is building and soon they will ravage each other on top of a desk as Edgar cheers and Chloe runs around with roman candles in each hand. It's going to be a glorious moment and I can't wait for it to happen.

New arbitrary fear: An angry Bauer in the back seat of my car waiting to kill me…with kindness.

So the president wants to prevent widespread panic by putting military personal on the streets of America. They might as well rename "Marshall Law" to "Freakout Patrol" because the one thing that freaks people out in America more than terrorism is seeing the military waltz up and down their street armed with Uzi's.

How come every time Bauer gets back to CTU, he hatches up some crazy plan to get himself out of the building? As if his life was so void of excitement that he needs to come up with a crazy plan to keep himself entertained.

"Dude, this time, I'm gonna pretend to be a hostage and meet this Marwan guy. Then I'm gonna drink milk that's a week old and join a rodeo…just because I'm a badass."

Seriously, he's finding new ways to throw himself into harm's way. I like how everyone at CTU has just gotten used to Bauer's nuttiness, as if they expect nothing less than absolute lunacy when he comes up with his schemes.

So that's what road constructin crews are doing. They are just waiting to grab people out of car and throw them into a van. At least I now know they are doing something. I've seen as many as five of them hanging out around a hole doing nothing except holding signs up that say "Stop" and "Slow Down." At least my tax dollars are going towards something constructive.

I'm a little pissed there wasn't more of a reaction to Bitchelle being back at CTU from Bauer. There should have at least been a double take or a "Dude…your ex-wife is here…this totally sucks" moment.

Emmy moment of the night: Bauer giving Audrey the "I'm sorry your husband got shot with me" look.

And how dedicated do you have to be to take a knife to your side to prove that you got hit with a bullet? I was actually surprised he just didn't shoot himself. He's such a badass that I was sure he wanted everything to be as real as possible. Then again, challenges are fun for Bauer. It's fun to get kidnapped by the terrorist. Even more fun to use a knife to pretend you got shot in the side.