3.07.2005

Bags of Crap and Fun with IM

6 p.m. to 7 p.m.
3.7.05


The departure of Driscoll was sad. Somehow, she turned into a decent person even though she was introduced as the life-sucking harpy. Apparently that job has now been transferred over to Sarah who enjoys furrowing her brow and snapping at Edgar with the classic "Why are you so fat?" face. Edgar's probably wondering why he even bothered sticking up for Sarah who will probably not enjoy the "I cho cho choose you" e-card he sent to her CTU email account while she was being tortured.


It was nice of Heller to give Driscoll a big bear hug and his five-point plan to overcoming a death in the family.

"First you're gonna cry. Then you're gonna blame God. Then you're gonna blame yourself. Right after that you're gonna stub your toe on the kitchen table and then you'll cry again. It'll be painful emotionally, but that toe thing is just gonna piss you the hell off."


Emmy moment of the night: "Go and make sure your daughter's ok…because I never did!"


Why does everyone stare when a dejected person leaves work? They stop what they're doing and give a solemn stare as the castaway walks slowly through the room. I only complain because that is what I deal with every day at work. So I drink at work, but you don't have to freaking stare. Jeez.


Speaking of drunks, looks like Tony has his old job back, which gives hope to alcoholics everywhere. It is a shame that Michelle had to show up and rain on Tony's parade because I was hoping to see him put his "CUBS ALL THE WAY!" poster on the wall. But I am looking forward to all the drinking jokes she's probably got stored up from the marriage.

Tony: Hey Michelle…you're looking nice and mean with your new straight hair.
Michelle: Thanks…and sorry I didn't give you any change that night, but I saw you had an empty twelve pack next to you on the sidewalk and figured you'd be ok for the night.


And surprise surprise, Curtis has a problem with something. I don't like her, I don't like him. He's been going on record all day with the phrase "I don't like it." He's gotta stop being a Negative Nancy or he'll find himself scrubbing the toilets.


The San Gabriel Meltdown is under control? But what about the panic, the damage to the roads and, you know, the people melting from radiation in the streets? It must be a leper colony there by now. Maybe that's where Marwan (I still think it sounds like MyWand and now that's all I hear) will end up if he's ever captured. Then he can be the Lord of the Lepers, which is a lot like being the Lord of the Dance save for the tight pants and intense profanity.


Aww, how cute. Paul wants to be like Jack. I like how different people get to tag-a-long with Jack on various missions as if they were CTU interns. Fox should capitalize on this and create a ride called the Jack Bauer Experience (JBE for short). You and a date will be issued into this dark room and be given a cell phone and one "get out of torture" card. Jack Bauer will be played by Gary Busey since Kiefer referred to the idea as "The most idiotic thing I have ever heard…and I was in The Cowboy Way."


But Audrey knows that no one can actually be like The Bauer. I'm surprised Jack didn't ask Audrey to repeat the fact that "Paul isn't like you…take care of him" and put the cell on speakerphone so that Paul could hear it too. Then he would slam the phone down and yell "In your face! YEAH!"


Hmm, but Paul does have those "backdoor" computer skills that might get Audrey's engine running. All he needs to do is sing Reo Speedwagon's "Can't Fight this Feeling" during karaoke night and she'll be putty in his hands. Bauer will do a lot, but he doesn't sing.


We've gone from terrorism to deterring a corporate scandal and how appropriate with it being Martha's first week of work since Camp Cupcake (which isn't as delicious as it sounds, but just as soft). McClenen should know that after the court of public opinion has singled you out as a monster, all you gotta do is go to a minimum security prison for six months and you'll emerge as a victim and a hero. Newsweek will even put your head on a model's body just to make you look better.


And nice looking EMP by the way. They could have gone the fancy route like they did in Ocean's 11, but they opted for the full sized economy version that looks like an oversized toaster flanked by two large smoke detectors with a green glow stick in the middle. Very scary.


I fully enjoyed the Instant Message conversation between Jack and Tony, although they could have saved a lot of time with the tried and true short hand language of the IM world.

SoulPatch45: Jack, u there?
Flatliner4Eva: sup
SoulPatch45: Building losing power :(
Flatliner4Eva: Gah! They're on to us >:/
SoulPatch45: brb
SoulPatch45: Ok, e-dogg just found an EMP, 1st flr rm 213
Flatliner4Eva: lol...I love bombs. Maybe I'll send paul to deal wit it
SoulPatch45: LMAO! :P Aight, ttyl
Flatliner4Eva: :)


What did Jack think he could do? Was he actually trying to mentally will the door to move in the opposite direction? I would have just looked at my watch or cell phone because I'd want to see that thing explode when the EMP went off.
And did Jack just throw a pencil? I seriously thought it was meant to poke someone's eye out or somehow knock them out (it is the Bauer, he can do anything...except sing). But then again, throwing a pencil at people in the hopes of killing them is sooo something Bahrooz would do. Will Brillohead ever return? I miss that crazy bastard.


I was expecting Marwan to be a little more pissed that his evil plan was foiled and on top of that, he had to ride the bus, which as everyone knows is degrading and completely embarrassing. But he knows better because all good terrorists have a backup plan and even backup plans for those plans.


And if all else fails, Plan Z involves toilet papering Bauer's house and lighting bags of shit on fire on his porch. As the victims of pranks know first hand, there is no law in the land, no sweet sounding words, and no massive Wal-Mart purchased EMP that can completely erase the horrible memory of finding flaming bags of crap on your porch and futilely trying to stomp out the fire with your boot. Even if you get passed that, the smell just lasts for days.

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